Friday, September 29, 2006
Here are some photos. The first two are of Gia at the dog rescue person's house, when we first met her:
This next photo is Gia sitting on my step-dad's lap, on the way to our house. Look at how happy she is (and she hasn't even seen the yard yet).
The Scissor Sisters show last night was great, but not as great as the show I saw at the Wiltern a couple of years ago. I think a large part of that has to do with the space. The Shrine Expo Center feels kinda like a high school gymnasium and it has an odd shape and it’s dirty and (I know that the Scissor Sisters are dirty and “dirty” should fit them, but still) the vibe was just better at the Wiltern show.
(Though Jessica and I got in some pretty great people watching. There were these two guys who were dressed completely straight-laced, like khaki pants and buttoned-up shirts, and then they were wearing these odd, matching, really loud black-and-white boas. Like, the boas were kind of impossible to miss, and so we kept joking that the only reason they were wearing the boas was in case they got separated so that they would be able to find each other, and lo and behold every time we’d check in on the boa dudes and noticed that one was missing, we’d be like, “what happened to the other boa dude!?!?” and then within three seconds we’d have spotted him [walking to the bathroom or getting a drink or whatever]. They were just THAT EASY to spot.)
I don’t remember the opening act’s name, but I was unimpressed with them. It’s sad that the Scissor Sisters can play at giant stadiums in Europe and have people like Kylie Minogue introduce them and then they come to America and they’re so unknown that they have to play a not-even-sold-out show at the Shrine with a totally generic opening act. Freaking Gwen Stefani should be opening for them. Or if they want a more unknown band, then freaking Stefi should open up for them. (I didn’t even realize I was going to do the Stefani/Stefi thing until after I typed those two sentences, I swear.)
The Sisters opened the night with an awesome rendition of Take Me Out. Jake (I’m still not used to calling him Jake—I actually went to school with him for a year, and he was Jason back then, so that’s what I still know him as) was wearing this awesome shiny gold suit and a see-through purplish shirt. He has so much freaking energy onstage, it’s infectious. They played most of their first album (two notable exceptions: they did not play Return to Oz or It Can’t Come Quickly Enough, which was a shame, but I guess they can’t play EVERYTHING—though they really should be required to perform It Can’t Come Quickly Enough at every concert because that whole “they shouted them like anthems” moment is great when you’re standing in a room with a thousand people singing along and they’re all shouting the song like it’s an anthem—it’s just a nice, rousing, communal experience moment, that I remember fondly from the Wiltern show and I wanted to relive) (whatever, I guess you gotta live in the moment) and they played a healthy heap of their new album as well, which I don’t know yet (I haven’t actually gotten it yet, I need to do so pronto) so I was going through some of the ol’ “hearing it for the first time” thing, which was hard to do at the Shrine because the acoustics aren’t the best there. But enough complaining, my favorite new song of theirs, based on the show last night, is She’s My Man. It’s a great song.
Some other concert highlights:
--I love how, when Ana Matronic takes over lead vocals during Tits on the Radio, Jason—or, Jake—basically turns into a go-go boy and grooves out to the music. It’s totally hedonistic and fun.
--Del Marquis is really sexy.
--We rocked out the most to Filthy/Gorgeous, which they played in their Encore. My muscles are sore from all of the Filthy/Gorgeous dancing.
--I miss people bringing lighters to concerts. There was one person in the entire expo center who had had the brilliant foresight to bring a lighter, which he held over his head as they performed Mary, and it made me think about the time I saw Kiss in concert about twelve years ago and I cannot for the life of me remember what the song was that inspired everyone to thrust their lighters into the air, but it happened, and a 1000 people holding lighters above their heads at a concert is really quite something. Cell phones are not an equal alternative. If we’d all held lighters above our heads during Mary, oh man, that woulda been a killer moment. Maybe I’m just a sucker for theatricality, but why don’t we all start becoming responsible concert-goers and bring lighters to the next concert we go to, okay? (And when I say lighters-plural, I mean lighters-plural: bring a few so you can share them with your neighbors, in case they haven’t gotten the we’re-bringing-lighters-to-concerts-again memo.)
--They kicked ass on Comfortably Numb.
--I Don’t Feel Like Dancin’ is really growing on me; they actually performed I Don’t Feel Like Dancin’ on Dancing With The Stars the other night, and they had some funny in between song banter about their experience at DWTS. Apparently Mario Lopez wears a lot of make-up.
They played for about an hour-and-a-half, but the concert flew by very quickly. If you ever get a chance to see them, you should. They perform the hell out of their songs, and they’re nothing if not theatrical. (When I was bemoaning the lack of theatricality at concerts these days, I was talking about the audience’s theatricality, not the Scissor Sisters’.)
And of course, Jake/Jason ended the show in his skivvies. It wouldn’t be a Scissor Sisters show if he hadn’t.
I remember the first time I ever saw Jason, really distinctly. All of the freshmen arrived on campus a week before the rest of the school for something called “O-Week,” i.e. Orientation Week, which consisted of lots of “getting to know your fellow freshmen” activities. On our first night of O-Week, we were all forced to (for some ungodly reason) dance the Macarena in the quad. (This was 1996, after all.) Imagine four hundred freshman college students doing the Macarena for an interminable amount of time (that song is REALLY long). Anyway, I remember just as we started doing the Macarena, Jason jumped up onto a cement wall that bordered the quad and he started doing the Macarena on top of the wall, facing us, and suddenly it was as if he was King of The Freshmen and we were all doing the Macarena FOR HIM. Within seconds, Jason had made an impression on everyone in our entire class. He had instantaneously turned us into his audience and we all wanted to know who the hell he was and why we couldn’t take our eyes off of him.
I totally had a crush on him all year and I didn’t do a damn thing about it. C’est la vie.
Anyway, years later, when I heard he was an international singing sensation—a pop star taking over Europe—I was totally like, “well, of course he is.” I mean, he’s always known how to attract attention and it seemed inevitable that the world would take note at some point (he just always had that larger than life thing).
The awesome thing is, he totally deserves it. He doesn’t just put on a damn fine show: he also makes damn fine music. America, take notice!
Thursday, September 28, 2006
If you're trying to get in touch with me tonight and I, like, don't answer the phone or don't return your email or whatever
ERIK: Uh, yeah.
ANONYMOUS COMMENTER: Wait, so are you there right now?
ANONYMOUS COMMENTER: Get out!
ERIK: No, it's true. I'm at the show right now (if you're reading this between 8pm and, like, whenever it ends pm.)
ANONYMOUS COMMENTER: Wait, where are you going tonight?
ERIK: The Scissor Sisters Concert! Geeez.
ANONYMOUS COMMENTER: Oh, right.
(This post is sooooooo not funny at all. I was trying to be snarky and funny and instead I was just limpid and boring.) (This is a total failure of a post.) (I think the anonymous commenter who's been giving me a hard time about mentioning the concert a bunch of times, I think that anonymous commenter is Jesse, and I just wanted to give him a hard time back, or whatever, but maybe it's not Jesse. Anyway, my attempts at being like, burn, are really pathetic.)
(If it helps, I'm sitting on the toilet with my laptop on my knees and poop is literally coming out of my butt as I type this.)
(Wow, I just went there.)
(But it was true.)
THE BELL CURVE:
A new dog for an old softie
By JOSEPH N. BELL
When we lost Coco — our strong-willed, long-haired, free spirit of a German dachshund — almost three years ago, I didn't remove her bed from my outbuilding office. She kept vigil there every day for 15 years, protecting me from such hostile invaders as meter readers and gardeners and occasional neighbors.
I have always been uncomfortable with folks who keep artifacts of the departed in close and constant proximity, and I can neither explain nor justify doing it after Coco died. But I did, and there that bed still is — a black box lined with faux fur and a tiny green blanket. Maybe I kept it there in the subconscious hope that Coco might be induced to reappear in some form or other or the bed might be used again by a Coco successor — a possibility that was delayed by divided opinion in the household and the new freedom to travel without having to find a dog sitter. (I wasn't allowed to put Coco in a kennel because the other members of my family insisted it would traumatize her.)
I was outside the loop when Coco joined our family. I wanted a dog that could hold his own with the mostly massive neighborhood dogs, but my stepson, Erik, wanted a dachshund, and that's what his mother bought for him — a toy dachshund, yet — when I was out of town. And so I had to make peace with this elongated pygmy who ignored every effort at discipline and quickly took over the household — including me.
But this time I'm not only in the loop, but leading the charge — and Erik has thrown in with me. I've carried in my head for 100 years or so the image of the two dogs with whom I grew up, both wire-haired terriers. So that's the general area in which we've been dog shopping in the past two weeks. We get our leads from studying rescue stations we find on the Internet, where we can look at pictures and descriptions of dozens of homeless dogs seeking a square meal, a warm bed and humans to love and be loved by.
This is both a joyous and painful project. Painful because we would like to rescue all the dogs we've seen and can't. But joyous when we feel the chemistry of an instant love affair. And so we look for that to happen among the breed of dogs — mostly terriers — that we feel would fit our family.
Last week, we think we found one. Her name is Gia, and she is a Schnauzer mix (which is hyperbole for mutt) and we are told she is a year-and-a-half old, housebroken, easy going and well-behaved. Her eloquent eyes spoke to us, and we will spend some time with her this weekend to get better acquainted. By next week, maybe Coco's bed will have a new occupant, and I will have a new protector. I'm not at all sure Coco would be pleased. She didn't suffer competition gladly.
We considered cloning Coco and decided against it. A new dachshund could only suffer unfairly by comparison with the old one. So we sought a clear departure in breed if not so much in size. The fact that Gia — like Coco — is also of German descent is pure accident. It's the chemistry that counts.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
I wanted to do another "giving good face" post (which was originally inspired by Sheila's "Faces I Love" post HERE), but I decided this one should have a theme, so in the spirit of "saying shit out loud," the pictures below are all awesome fucking actors who I admire and who I'd like to work with one day. Some of these actors are famous, some of them are on their way to famous, and some of them are character actors who probably won't ever be famous but who have worked forever and you might not know their names but you probably know their faces. All of them pretty much rock.
The order of actors I want to work with listed below is mostly random, but I wanted to start with Willam Belli because he's the only person on my list who has a blog that I check every day (or who has a blog at all, I suppose, but Willam's blog is definitely on my "check every day" list) and so I emailed Willam and asked for a photo and he obliged (thank you Willam).
Willam is probably best known for his performance as Cherry Peck on Nip/Tuck and though I only just recently added Nip/Tuck to my Tivo list, I've been catching up on older episodes and the most annoying thing about the current season of Nip/Tuck is that Cherry Peck isn't a series regular (and I'm also annoyed that they've only barely addressed the shocking end of last season when Cherry's friend Matt was forced at gunpoint to do an impromptu Hedwig job on Cherry, i.e. cut her penis off--I mean, they basically addressed it in a quick expositiony scene where Matt explained that he took Cherry to a hospital, but COME ON, people, let's see some aftermath) because Cherry Peck is clearly (and by far) the most interesting character on the show (and that's not me dissing the show--at first I was put off by Christian, but now I'm totally into the show--I'm intrigued by most of the characters, but Cherry Peck's in a fuckin' league of her own) and I would love, love, love to work with Willam one of these days. He's a rockstar. So freakin' good.
I know Cynthia from my days at The Actors' Gang--we were in a production of Mephisto together (which we workshopped for, like, seventeen-thousand months) (so technically I already have worked with her, but I look forward to the day when she acts in something I've written) and she was my favorite person to hang out with in the wings in between scenes (not that I like picking favorites, but Cynthia and I totally bonded in the wings in between scenes)--and I've always been a fan of her work. She fucking blew me away in Tracy Young's Dreamplay, and I thought she was a brilliant Arcadina in The Seagull, which ran in repertory with Mephisto and which I probably saw a dozen times, mostly for Cynthia's performance. My favorite performance of Cynthia's, however, has to be as Rita Sue on HBO's Carnivale. I probably started watching Carnivale because I knew that Cynthia was going to be on it, but I quickly became a Carnivale fanatic and I'm still sad that it wasn't renewed for a third season (seriously, HBO, how could you leave us, the fans, hanging like that?!?!? Is Jonesy dead? Is Sophie evil?!? Ahh!! I NEED TO KNOW!?!) and Rita Sue was such a great character and Cynthia's acting--holy crap, so good. The whole storyline she had with Jonesy killed me--KILLED ME.
Next, we have:
Grace Zabriskie has been in a million things. She's one of those actors who's been in everything (from Seinfeld to Drugstore Cowboy) at some point or another. But her definitive performance, in my book, is as Sarah Palmer on Twin Peaks. That scene in the pilot episode where she's on the phone with Leland and the cops come over to tell her that Laura's dead and they don't even have to say it, she just looks at them and she knows? If I think about that scene too much, I might start crying right now. Grace Zabriskie is a beautiful freak.
(Okay, this is not about Beth Grant, I just want to say that I had totally finished writing this post and then my computer froze and I so should not have been writing it on internet explorer, I so should have been writing it in a wordperfect file, because my computer froze and then blogger reverted to the last saved version of this post that I had which means that I lost everything I had written about all of the actors beginning with Beth Grant and now I'm really annoyed and hungry for lunch and SO FREAKING ANNOYED.)
(But Beth Grant should not be punished for my stupidity.) Beth Grant is another one of those actors who's pretty much been in everything, but the first time I really took notice of her was when I saw her in Donnie Darko (she played a psycho stage-mom to the hilt) and I think she should be in every movie ever from now on. Seriously. She's so good (and I feel like I wrote a really great description of why I like her so much in the lost post, but now I'm frustrated and I'm totally taking it out on Beth. I'm sorry Beth!)
Oh, I just remembered something else I mentioned about Beth Grant before I lost this blog post, she just happens to have been in one of (in my opinion) the most memorable Six Feet Under death scenes (and there were a lot of memorable death scenes on that show). She was the religious zealot who saw a bunch of helium-filled sex dolls rising up to the heavens and she thought it was the rapture. You remember the scene. (Right?)
Next we have, one of my favorites (and I know that ALL of these people are my favorites, that's why this post even exists in the first place, but I have a special place in my heart for):
I love the movie Working Girl. Hollywood just doesn't make great romantic comedies anymore like they did in the 80’s. (Hello: Tootsie, When Harry Met Sally, Broadcast News—brilliant, brilliant romantic comedies that don’t feel dated at all.) Amy Aquino is literally in about three minutes of Working Girl—according to IMDB, it was her second film credit—but it’s my favorite scene in the movie (it’s also the last scene). Melanie Griffith has just arrived at her new job, she walks into her office and finds Amy Aquino sitting at her desk on the phone. Melanie assumes that it’s Amy’s office and that she’s supposed to be Amy’s secretary, but then she finds out that Amy Aquino is actually her secretary, and then she gives Amy Aquino this whole schpeil about how Amy doesn’t have to get coffee for Melanie unless she’s already getting coffee for herself and about how she’s not going to treat Amy like shit like most bosses treat their secretaries and the look on Amy Aquino’s face—she’s so surprised to be treated as an equal by her boss and there’s just so much going on inside her and I know it’s only, like, three minutes that she’s onscreen, but I totally know her character in those few moments. She’s just a great actress. Oh, and she also played Neil Schweiber’s mom on Freaks and Geeks which has to be, like, the coolest resume credit in the history of resume credits.
Next we bow down to:
I don’t even know where to begin with Lili Taylor. She’s Lili Fucking Taylor. Seriously. You’ve probably known and loved her ever since her Say Anything and Mystic Pizza days, but the two movies that cemented her in my head as the numero uno actress (my favorite of her many great performances) have gotta be Dogfight and Households Saints and if you haven't seen them then you must do yourself a favor and go to your local Blockbuster or wherever you go and rent both movies right the fuck now. Dogfight and Household Saints were both directed by Nancy Savoca and here’s an actual equation that I just cribbed from a geometry textbook that I found on my bookshelf: Lili Taylor + Nancy Savoca = genius. I would KILL to work with Lili Taylor someday. (Okay, I wouldn’t really kill, but I’ll go so far as to say that working with Lili Taylor would be cooler than working with God.)
And now, time for some beefcake:
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Paul Rudd is beefcake?” And I’m here to tell you, YES muthafuckuhs, Paul Rudd is the dreamiest man working in Hollywood. The people at People Magazine were smoking some serious crack to give Mathew McConahoweveryouspellit the Sexiest Man Alive designation and to ignore Paul Rudd, but I’m going to stop drooling now (his eyes, though!) and declare Paul Rudd the Funniest Living Actor. (If you don’t believe me, go rent Wet Hot American Summer right now.) (The distinction of “Funniest Dead Actor” has to go to Gilda Radnor.) (Because I’m sure she’s still really funny up in Heaven, or wherever it is we go when we’re not Here.) The thing about Paul Rudd is that even when he’s being completely ridiculous, I believe that he’s a real person. (Something I can’t say about, say, Ben Stiller.)
(I met him once—Paul Rudd, not Ben Stiller—at this totally random party, and I was a complete idiot.) (Not that I did anything to embarrass myself, I just could barely talk to him because I was in total awe.) (Which is rare for me—I don’t usually get weird around famous people—but Paul Rudd is beefcake.) (I can't even remember our conversation, all I remember is "blah blah blah I'm talking to Paul Rudd blah blah blah.")
(Oh, and after you’ve rented West Hot American Summer and watched it, ask me to do my impersonation of “Paul Rudd picking up a plate.” It’s a really good impersonation, I swear.) (Actually, I would feel more comfortable calling it an homage to Paul Rudd rather than an impersonation of him.) (Because I'm really bad at impersonations.)
Okay, next up:
When Kate Walsh joined the cast of Grey’s Anatomy, her character was a Grade A Bitch, but throughout the course of the first season, she became my favorite character (on a show that has a lot of characters I love). I truly, deeply, feel for, feel for, feel for Addison. She’s complicated, she can be ugly and mean, she’s got pain, she’s funny, she’s smart—she's totally human--and I want her to be happy. I literally sit in front of the TV and ache for her. Kate Walsh is just great in the role and I’ve seen her on several talk shows and she’s so un-Addison in real life (she is HILARIOUS in real life) and I think she would be so much fun to work with.
(Dammit, I feel like I said so much more about her in the previous incarnation of this post, but now I’m hungry and I’m starting to get a headache. Must. Eat. Lunch.) (I will come back to this later.)
Okay, I had lunch (potato soup at Olive Garden, yum), next up:
I met Marianne Jean-Babtiste at the Golden Globes when she was there for Secrets and Lies, um, a hundred years ago or so. This was back when I used to crash the Golden Globes with my grandparents. I remember she was an incredibly nice woman and we talked about Secrets and Lies and about how much we both loved Mike Leigh and how lucky she felt to have gotten the chance to work with him. She’s on Without a Trace now, which I don’t watch--I pretty much only know her from Secrets and Lies--but she is SO GOOD in that movie and I really want to work with her someday.
Speaking of SO GOOD:
I rarely go to bed before 2 a.m. and they run reruns of Roseanne on one of the cable channels in the middle of the night, I think it might be TBS, and so I’ve been watching Roseanne most night before going to sleep and she was so damned good on that show. But she can do pretty much anything. Have you seen the episode of Grey’s Anatomy that she did last year? Her monologue at the end of the episode turns me into mush.
Okay, speaking of Grey’s Anatomy (or speaking of members of the Steppenwolf Theatre Company, whichever way you wanna look at it):
Jeff Perry plays Meredith’s father, but he also played Mr. Katimski the drama teacher on My So-Called Life and for that I will forever be a fan. He’s really good at playing softly tortured, if that makes any sense.
I don’t think Jessica Harper has acted since the 70’s (maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t feel like googling right now) (even though it’s Google’s birthday today) (happy birthday Google), but she gives such a heartbreaking performance in Phantom of the Paradise (one of Brian DePalma’s earlier films) (it’s mostly a cult film) (the gorgeous music in the movie was written by Paul Williams, who’s written pretty much every Muppet song you’ve ever heard) and I would love, love, love to know what’s become of her, and to give her a big juicy role to sing (I meant to type “sink” but what an appropriate type, ‘cuz she’s a great singer) her teeth into.
Okay, then there’s:
You know Fiona Shaw. Even if you don’t know her name, I’m sure you know her face. How awesome is her face, by the way? I love this picture of her.
Another picture I love is this one of:
Two of my favorite movies ever (EVER) are Fearless and The Fisher King. If (no, not if—WHEN) I get the chance to work with him (someday) I am totally gonna shit my pants. (Okay, Jeff, I can’t imagine you’re the self-googling type, but if you ever did, by chance, self-google and read this, well, I wouldn’t REALLY shit my pants.) (I’m just be hella happy.)
Now for some shameless beefcake:
I mean, this is shameless beefcake because, yes, I would LOVE to work with Jake Gyllenhaal someday (and when I say “work,” I DO mean have him act in something I’ve written), but all of the other pictures I’ve posted have been more in the realm of face shots, and this one is, yes, okay, it’s just a damn sexy photo (and also Gina told me to post this photo of him, so I had to oblige).
I don’t have anything else to say about Jake Gyllenhaal that hasn’t already been said about Jake Gyllenhaal. I think he’s nifty. I think he’s keen.
Another keen mofo:
Michael J. Fox
I saw a taping of Family Ties when I was ten or twelve or somewhere around there. It was towards the end of their run. This was during the Andy years. I remember that the whole taping went really smoothly—they did everything in one take, perfectly, hilariously, poignantly. There was only one moment that was flubbed and had to be reshot. Andy (Brian Bonsall) was sitting on the kitchen counter talking to Alex and then Elise came into the kitchen and Alex was like “tell mom what you learned today” and then Andy was supposed to say “Alex is keen.” And he flubbed the line. The only reason I remember this so vividly is that I didn’t know what the word “keen” meant and I remember sitting there in the audience thinking “huh?” and then thinking “oh my god, Michael J. Fox is thirty feet away from me, I can die and go to heaven,” and then I thought “wait, what’s keen mean?” and then I thought, “Michael J. Fox totally just looked in my direction,” and then I thought, “life is all gonna be downhill from this moment forward,” and then I thought “what’s keen mean?”
I remember the moment when I heard he had Parkinson’s. I was reading magazines at a magazine rack in a little snack shop next to this gas station in Cambden Town in London. It was one of the cover stories on one of their tabloids.
Michael J. Fox was my first crush.
The movie Back to the Future changed my life. I left that movie and I said “I want to drive a flying Delorian.” But since flying Delorians didn’t really exist, I decided to become an actor, which led to me becoming a writer. Pretty much every big decision I’ve made in my life can be traced back to that first viewing of Back to the Future. After I saw Back to the Future, I took my first acting class, I stopped being such an introvert, I made some friends, I decided to go to Occidental because I fell in love with their theater, I went to London for a semester to study acting, etc., etc., etc., ALL OF IT can be traced back to Back to the Future, and therefore to Michael J. Fox. If I’d never seen that movie, I would probably be unemployed and living with my parents right now (wait a second, I AM unemployed and living with my parents right now) (but still, you know, if I’d never seen the movie, I’d probably be unemployed and living with my parents and aimless) (I am anything BUT aimless).
If I ever had the chance to work with Michael J. Fox my head would explode, I would be so happy.
Okay, moving on:
There are so many reasons to love Freaks and Geeks, but one of the reasons to love Freaks and Geeks is Sarah Hagan's performance as Millie, the ultimate math geek. (The scene in "Beers and Weirs" [yes, I'm that much of a nut, I actually know every Freaks and Geeks episode title] where she's playing the piano and singing with Nick Andopolis [Jason Segel] is a brilliant seriously comic scene.) (And when I say "seriously comic" I say that because it's played so straight-faced, but it's so funny.) (I guess that's what makes it so funny.) Sarah Hagan is so good that even though I was obsessed with Freaks and Geeks and had seen every episode twice, I watched her on an entire season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer without realizing that she was the same actress who played Millie. Seriously, and I'm an obsessive fan of both shows. But I had no idea she was the same person.
Okay, I'm not going to say anything about the next two actors (because I'm running out of steam) except to say that I have two different scripts that I think have great parts for them and Maggie Gyllenhaal and Lucy Liu, if either of you ever self-google (or if your assistants self-google yourself for you) and find this blog post, let's talk.
I have to admit I didn't love Crash. I loved some of Crash, but some of it was kind of doohicky in my opinion. But the good parts were pretty great, and the best thing about that movie is Michael Pena's performance. He was so, so, SO good. I bow down to him. He made that movie for me.
Okay, this blog entry was a lot longer than I intended it to be when I started writing it, but whatever. I have an obsessive personality. And all of the actors above are on "my list." I'm looking forward to the day when I can say that some of these fine folks have performed my stuff. Just puttin' it out there in the universe. Gotta have goals, baby.
Monday, September 25, 2006
My first car was a Mercury Topaz. (I forget the year, but it was old.) One day I parked the Paz and left several (as in four) fairly large candles on the dashboard. (I don't remember why I had the candles in the first place, so don't ask.) A few hours later, when I returned to the Paz, I failed to notice that the candles had all melted and the sunken dashboard had turned into a little wax lake. I started the car, accelerated, and then SPLASH: my whole passenger seat was suddenly coated in hot liquid wax, that never ever really went away.
My second car was a Toyota Camry. (I forget the year, but it was old.) (Not as old as the Paz, though.) One day I bought some deodorant at Rite-Aid (surely because it was mid-afternoon and I'd run out of deodorant at home and desperately needed to put some on) and I left the gel deodorant in that little crevice in between the driver's seat and the passenger's seat--you know the spot I'm talking about, where some cars have their parking break. Anyway, I left the deodorant there one afternoon and it all melted out of the tube and into that little crevice and then I had deodorant in that dumb little crevice of my car for the rest of the car's existence.
I'm now on my third car. It's a Toyota Corolla. (I think) (I'm not very car observant, but I'm pretty sure it's a Toyota Corolla) (it's younger than my previous two cars, but it's not new or anything.) Anyway, today I got in my car and I was like, "uh...what's that smell?" And then I looked over at the passenger seat and noticed that, uh, yeah, I accidentally left a tube of butter sitting on the passenger seat yesterday (don't ask) and the entire tube of butter melted and, yeah, now the passenger seat has been entirely coated in butter and I don't know how to get rid of the smell.
I'm serious: I do not know how to get rid of the smell. IT SMELLS LIKE BUTTER. (Which, actually, isn't the worst smell in the world.) (I mean, it ain't for nothing that most cooks are like "just add butter if you want it to taste better.)
Friday, September 22, 2006
Because a world without a dancing Ellen Degeneres is not a world I want to live in.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
2. I loved the flashbacks on tonight's episode of Grey's Anatomy. (I am so happy that Grey's is back.) (Grey's is, like, my crack.)
3. I had this ginormous zit on my forehead that I've been absentmindedly picking at and now it kinda looks like someone punched me. (i.e. it's really ugly and bruisy) (bruised?)
4. I have to wake up in six hours to drive my step-dad to the airport. And I'm so tired. And I have a really full day tomorrow. So why the hell am I sitting at my computer blogging instead of going to bed?
5. I haven't been feeling inspired to blog lately (and when I say "lately," I mean "for the last couple of months") (or maybe I just mean "for the last month" and it feels like the last "couple" of months"), but I suppose blog inspiration comes in waves.
6. I'm on the hunt for a dog. It's for my step-dad, really, but the dog'll be mine too. We're looking at rescue places because we like the idea of saving a dog, of finding a dog who really needs a home and giving it to him (or her). We looked at some cocker spaniels last weekend and this weekend I'm going to meet some terriers. I had to fill out an application the other day for one of these dog rescue places and there were all of these questions about pet history and I had to write about my dog Coco, who passed away several years ago, at 15-years-old, and it made me really miss her, but I think I'm ready to love another dog.
7. Sorry I haven't been very good about replying to comments lately. I think it's connected to #5. But this weekend I'm going to go through my past several posts and reply to all of the comments I've neglected.
8. I haven't been on a date in a really long time. I want to go on a good date.
9. It doesn't even have to be a "good" date, really, I'd just be happy to have dinner with a cute guy.
10. He doesn't even have to be that cute.
11. Well, he's gotta be a little cute.
12. Oh my god, go to bed.
13. But wait, before I go to bed, I just saw on the news that McDonald's is considering serving their breakfast menu items all day. I'm so fucking conflicted about that because
(a) I love the McGriddle breakfast sandwich, and
(b) I've always been annoyed that they don't serve their breakfast items past 10:30 a.m., but
(c) I don't really want them to extend their McGriddle selling hours because
(d) that means I might eat more McGriddles and
(e) I'm trying to eat healthy (or healthier) which means that
(f) I definitely shouldn't fucking be eating any more McfuckingGriddles.
14. So please don't do it, McDonald's. I'm begging you. Don't extend your breakfast selling hours.
15. Okay, go to sleep, Erik, or tomorrow is going to be hell. (I'm subbing for a third grade class and subbing for a third grade class on six hours sleep is a total recipe for disaster. The kids are going to take over. I can feel it now. They are SO going to walk all over me. I don't stand a chance.)
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
I'm really fucking glad you were born 27 years ago, Urp. And after pit stops in Canada, Australia, and Taiwan, I'm really fucking glad you landed on this here our shores.
Toodles, until the next time. (I think we're due for some Long Island Ice Teas, soon. Like, so many Long Island Ice Teas that we barf. Or that I barf.) (You know what I'm talking about?) (Yeah, we're due for one of those nights.)
Oh, and since it's your birthday and I'm feeling devilish and you're out of town and probably won't look at the blog for at least a couple of days, I'm going to post this really weird picture of you (that you DID pose for, mind you), so that whenever you finally read this you'll call me and be like "Oh. My. God."
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
While I was watching all of this television, I had several TV-related thoughts, questions, and concerns, and I started jotting them down, and here they are.
I was going to call this a “pop culture round-up” but that would imply that I was going to talk about more than just television, and I’m not, or at least I don’t think I’m going to. There’s no rhyme or reason to the following. Here goes.
1. I have a new celebrity crush. Maybe he doesn’t really qualify as a “celebrity” crush, since most people probably don’t know his name (though I do) (I mean, of course I do—he’s my new crush), so maybe I should call him my new actor crush.
2. Speaking of crushes, remember how I stumbled across that Stefy show at the Virgin megastore and crushed on the keyboard player and then stood in the autograph line to meet him afterwards and told him that he has “a great energy onstage” (I was talking to Eleanor, and she was like “I can’t believe you said that you said that on your blog, that’s a really embarrassing thing to admit that you said”) and then I semi-stalked him (via MySpace) and found out that he’s married? Remember that? Yeah, okay, anyway, I’ve been listening to Stefy’s album (like, a lot) and I kinda love it and I am such a 16-year-old girl sometimes. Because this is seriously 16-year-old girl music. I’m listening to it right now. (Song titles include “Where are the boys?” “Hey School Boy,” and “Lucky Girl.”)
3. Based on the first episode of the new season, I want Cao Boi to become the next sole Survivor. Based on the first episode of the new season, I’m totally in love with Survivor again. (Does the “again” imply that I was ever not in love with Survivor? Because I’m a whore for Survivor. I love it. I need to dig up my old Survivor audition tape and get my brother Josh to help me upload it onto the computer and put it on youtube. Because that was some funny shit.)
4. I watched thirty minutes of Bonanza. I had never seen Bonanza before. Was Bonanza the worst show in the history of television? Actually, I shouldn’t say that. Even though what I saw was terrible, I will admit that it was compulsively watchable. Like, I couldn’t change the channel. I had to see how the episode was going to end. But SO melodramatic. And the acting was wretched. (The episode I watched involved a blind woman who was engaged to Michael Landon and then tripped on a rug and suddenly GOT HER VISION BACK and then pretended that she was still blind because she was afraid that the only reason Michael Landon wanted to marry her was because she was blind and he felt pity for her and of course Michael Landon’s father catches the “blind” woman primping in a mirror and so he knows that she’s faking her blindness and every single scene was punctuated by at least thirty meaningful glances at the ceiling, telegraphing that the actors were “conflicted.”) The show was on for 14 years, so I suppose it was considered quality in the sixties, but compared to some of the (truly) great acting that goes on in today’s world of TV, Bonanza’s really campy now.
5. Somebody should produce a late night stage version of Bonanza, like they did in the 90s at the (then) Westwood Playhouse with The Real Live Brady Bunch. It might be really funny. (Then again, maybe not.)
6. I get the impression that Ellen doesn’t like to dance anymore.
7. Which makes me really sad.
8. Because there’s nothing better than watching someone dance with pure abandon and joy (okay maybe there are lots of things better than that, but it’s still high up there on the list of “pretty great things”) and when I was watching Ellen dance at the beginning of her talk show yesterday I felt like her interior monologue was “I can’t believe I locked myself into this she-dances-at-the-beginning-of-every-show thing.” It just really felt like the last thing in the world that she wanted to be doing was dancing.
9. She seemed engaged again when she was doing her interviews, it was just the dancing that felt off.
10. Whatever happened to her British DJ Tony? He’s not on the show anymore and I miss him. Maybe I’m not a 16-year-old girl, maybe I’m an 80-year-old woman. Whatever. I still miss Tony, the British DJ. Where the hell did he go?
11. I’m totally into Aaron Sorkin’s new show, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Totally into it.
12. I want the woman with one leg to win Amazing Race. (Is it wrong for me to call her “the woman with one leg?” I don’t know any of their names yet. It always takes me a couple of episodes to learn peoples names.) Either the woman with one leg couple, or the black moms, or the coal miner couple. Those are the three teams I’m rooting for, outta the gate.
13. Did you know that Sarah Jessica Parker’s favorite show on television is The Amazing Race? Yeah. Seriously.
14. I think my mom and I would make a good Amazing Race team.
15. This is totally off topic, but my mom and I have been going through some heavy shit, relationship-wise, but we just had a breakthrough where we hit a wall with each other and then pushed through the wall and had a real (tough but real) conversation and it was really good. I’m not going to get into any of the nitty-gritty, but suffice it to say that we had a lot of stuff to work through and we worked through a large chunk of it, and I feel really good about where we are right now, and I think that if we went on an Amazing Race around the world, we would make for some REALLY GREAT FUYCKING TELEVISION. There would be lots of crying and some of the physical parts of the race would be rough, but I think that racing around the world and scaling walls and jumping off cliffs together would be good for our relationship and did I say that we’d make for some really compelling television right now? Because we would. (Yes, producers of Amazing Race, I’m talking to you.)
16. This isn’t related to television, but I’ve already gotten off-topic, so I want to recommend Half Nelson. It’s a great movie. It makes me really happy to not be addicted to crack and it kind of makes me want to be a high school girl’s basketball coach at an inner-city high school. But that’s just me—I’m impressionable. Ryan Gosling and Shareeka Epps are amazing in it. Actually, all of the acting in the movie’s pretty damn amazing. None of it feels like acting.
17. I think that Joss Whedon should cast Charisma Carpenter as Wonder Woman. Supposedly he’s looking for an actress in her early 20s, but come on: the Wonder Woman from the comic book (and from the 70s television show) has always been at least a solid 33-years-old. Give the role to Charisma.
18. Lukas Rossi (the new lead singer of the band now known as “Rockstar: Supernova”) needs to stop saying the word “man” at the end of every sentence, man. I keep reading all of these interviews with him, man, and he uses the word “man” at the end of every sentence, man. I swear, man. It might sound cool in real life, man, but when you’re talking to a print journalist, man, the word “man” starts to look funny so many times on the page, man. You know what I mean, man? I’m happy for you, man. Even though I didn’t really want you to win, man. But I’ve gotten over that, man. Now I think you’re a good fit for the band, man, and Dilana and Toby and Storm are going to rock their own careers, man, so I’m not feeling sorry for them not winning anymore, man. But enough with the “man,” man.
19. TV Land had a “Three’s Company” marathon over the weekend and I miss John Ritter.
20. I never saw Snakes on a Plane and I feel like a bad person. A really really bad person.
Monday, September 18, 2006
The search for truth continues. (photo via obliquity)
Saturday, September 16, 2006
"The winner of the 2006 Lindsay Firth Jam Out with Your Clam Out Competition is Bonnie BonBon Gillespie with the entry: Thrash out with your gash out."
Here's an email exchange I had with Adam (with spoilers censored of course, for dramatic effect, since we don't have a final final answer).
It's official, your blog is BANNED in Vietnam. I have tried several times in different cities, because I know that the T-shirt contest is long over. But I can't get on it. Diplomatic measures may have to be taken between the US and Vietnam to sort this out. But then again, diplomacy has never worked well in this country, so I might have to wait until I'm in Thailand.
But this might be a new thing: being banned in a foreign country.
That's sad news about Vietnam banning me, but it's also kinda fun to be so controversial, maybe one of these days I'll be banned in America too.
I wonder if I'm banned in Vietnam because I swear too much or something like that. I wonder if myspace.com is banned in Vietnam too (like it's banned in American high schools). I wonder if my blog is banned in American high schools?
Can I post your email on my blog? Inquiring minds (okay, maybe just Aimie) want to know when the final contest results are going to come through!
Ya ya, post whuteva. I think the winner is ****** *** **** **** **** ***. I bought several T-shirts, one of which will fit *****. But, I'm adding ANOTHER rule: all (meaning yours, the winners, and Lindsay's) T-shirts will be sent to your address (which you should give me at some point) and they can only be picked up in person from you. That means that ***** and Lindsay have to go to see you to get their shirts [you can post this too].
Myspace is not banned in Vietnam, but they've managed to keep toilet paper and traffic lights almost completely abolished.
So there ya go, people. That's yer update. The contest has not been forgotten. We'll have an official winner soon.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Anyway, in seven and a half hours, I'll be subbing for a pre-school class. DID YOU JUST READ THAT LAST SENTENCE? Yeah, pre-school. That's, like, four-year-olds. And I just looked up the school and found out that the way it's broken up is you have a morning group for three hours and an afternoon group for three hours and there are a total of sixty kids.
Please dear lord let there be a teacher's aide or another teacher or a kind mother or someone, anyone, just don't tell me that it's going to be just me and sixty four-year-olds tomorrow.
I need to go to bed. Ah!
UPDATE: Funnest. Day. Ever.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
So instead of representing my whole day, this month's 12 of 12 really only tells the story of one moment. One obsessive little moment.
Basically, I was, like, a stalker for an hour, and I'm just gonna go ahead and use the 's' word because after you look at all of my photos you're going to agree with me anyway, so I might as well say it before you do.
So here's what happened. I was at Virgin Megastore. I thought that today was the day that the new Scissor Sisters album was coming out and I wanted to buy it because I'm going to see them in two weeks and I want to know their new stuff well enough to be able to sing along because concerts are always better when you know the songs well enough to sing along. But the new Scissor Sisters album doesn't "drop" until the 26th, so I was s.o.l.
I left Virgin Megastore, dejected. I got some food. And then I had to walk back through Virgin to get to my car and that's when I stumbled across Virgin's in-store concert of the evening, Stefy. Now, Stefy has two songs on the John Tucker Must Die soundtrack, so I know their work (I cannot believe I just typed that sentence) (actually I can) (the best thing about JTMD was the soundtrack) (the movie itself was just feh) but I didn't know their name, or anything else about the band for that matter, so when I saw that this random band was playing inside the store I didn't really think of it.
Until I saw the keyboard player.
I totally fell in love (or in crush, or whatever you want to call it), like, instantly. Pretty much all of Stefy's fanbase appears to be youngish and Goth and as soon as I set eyes on this keyboard player I totally wished I was 19-years-old and wearing eyeliner so I could fit into this group and become, like, a Stefy groupie, and just watch this keyboard dude play the keyboard all the freaking time.
Basically, he was really cute and he gets so into the music that he kind of jumps around while he's playing. And I was standing there watching Stefy (or, really just watching the keyboard player) when I noticed several people taking photos with their cameraphones and then I realized that I'd forgotten all about 12 of 12 and I started snapping photos. Which I'll post below.
But first I just want to say that after I started snapping photos, I just totally embraced the moment and reveled in being a *fan* and I stood in line after the show and got all of the band members' autographs. In truth, I really only wanted the keyboard player's autograph, but I got everyone else's John Hancocks out of respect for the music. And I got to shake my new crush's hand, and I told him he had a "really great energy while he was playing" and then I walked out of the store and jumped around like a 12-year-old girl. And then I came home and googled him and found him on MySpace and found out that he's married, so he's not going to be a future boyfriend and now I'm officially done stalking him, but it was fun to have a crush for an hour. It's been awhile since I've had a crush.
Here are the photos: (I apologize for the fact that some of them are small, I don't know why my camera makes some photos small and some photos normal sized) (maybe it's because it's not really a camera, it's a fucking phone) (oh, and these photos are totally out of order, but I like that--it feels more fan-ish--like: my hour of stalkerdom tonight felt really frenzied and the photos represent the whole feel of that hour better when they're out of order)
You can't really tell how cute the keyboardist was from these pictures. And I don't really think he looks that cute in the band's promotional materials. But in real life he was really cute.
New Thing #140: I watched an in-store concert at Virgin Megastore.
New Thing #141: I stalked a keyboardist.
New Thing #142: I waited in a line filled with 19-year-old Goth kids just so I could get a hot keyboard player to sign the free poster I got with the purchase of his cd.
New Thing #143: Before I found out that said keyboardist was married, when I was still stalking him, I found his band's MySpace page and recognized at least two of the band's friends from the Virgin Megastore concert, and I was like: "that's so weird, I was totally just standing behind them in line for Gavi's autograph (Gavi's the keyboarder, or it's his nickname, I've gathered, from his MySpace page) (and oh my god, I'm so not really a stalker, if you ever google yourself and find yourself reading this, but I am glad I bought your cd and I'll enjoy shaking my rump to it every now and then) and nothing I've said in this particular "new thing" really merits "new thing" status, but the year's almost over and I'm desperate here and sometimes I wish I was a Goth.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Okay, the encore previously-voted-out-but-brought-back-to-perform performance tonight is Ryan Star. Voted on by Verizon Wireless phoneholders. (Is phoneholders a word?) I went through a period of really liking Ryan Star, but then I jumped aboard the “he’s a poseur” train and I really super-duper wish that Zayra had gotten the chance to come back because she would have freakin given a performance that we hadn’t seen before, that would have maybe shocked and wowed us, and that maybe we would have thought was slightly terrible, but we would have loved it at the same time (I know we would have), whereas the performance Ryan gave tonight was, uh, exactly the same as when he sang this song five weeks ago. Or however many weeks ago. Oh man, and they gave him a car? Now I wish Storm had gotten the audience voted encore. She should get the car.
I love Dilana.
I wanna Dilana.
Sorry, they’re recapping the whole season and it’s reminding me of how awesome she is as a performer. And throwing a glass on the ground and shattering it on someone’s bald head IS kinda rockstar, you know?
Okay, now they’re recapping Toby’s performances throughout the show and now I want HIM to win. Damn.
I’d be happy with any of them. (VOTE FOR DILANA OR TOBY TONIGHT!)
Toby’s up first. He’s singing Karma Police. His voice is so much better than Lukas’ or Magni’s. I don’t even understand why there’s a question here. Only two of the final rockers can actually sing. (Okay, Magni can sing, but he’s bald. I mean boring. I mean bald. I mean, he totally doesn’t register for me.) But freaking Toby…yowza. Okay, I have to admit that this performance of Karma Police is kinda boring. Maybe I just think that Toby’s hella hot. Maybe that means that Dilana should win this thing. The best part of Toby’s performance was when he kind of wailed at the end.
Toby’s singing his original song now and he’s reminding me why I went from Team Dilana to Team Toby in the first place. I want a t-shirt that says “Team Toby” on it. (If anyone out there’s taking notes for Christmas shopping, remember that, k?)
Oh-oh-oh-oh. This song was stuck in my head the other day. (Proof that it’s a good song—I’d only heard it twice and I was fucking rocking out to it in my car a week later.
Reason #1453 that Toby is rockstar: he just wrote his catchphrase (he has a catchphrase, people) on the back of Magni’s bald head.
Reason #1294 that Magni is NOT rockstar: he just made this motion like he wanted to smash his guitar and then…he didn’t. Ummmm. Don’t real rockstars actually smash their guitars when they feel like it, instead of just making a motion like “I want to smash my guitar?”
Okay, Lukas is up now, singing Coldplay’s “Fix You.” Wow, he’s actually singing. I give it five more seconds…as soon as the guitars kick in, he’ll start screaming…wait for it, wait for it, wait…ok, yep, there we go…now he’s shouting and screaming. Man, whenever he actually starts a song by really singing, he always blows it. Whenever I watch him sing, I start thinking about Paul Williams (who I love) and I start wishing I was watching Phantom of the Paradise (an amazing movie, if you’ve never seen it) instead of reality television. And then Dilana or Toby get onstage to perform again and I love reality television again with the heat of a thousand suns.
Okay, I think that was probably the best peroformance he’s ever given, but it’s not enough. Paula Abdul is in the audience? That’s weird. And is that Ashlee Simpson? Who’s she with? Is she with one of the Olsen twins?
Uh…I have to give Lukas credit this week. He just sang his original song and I understood every single lyric. That was a first. And when you understand what he’s saying, his song actually sounds good. HE actually sounds good. I think he’s going to win. That’s my prediction. Lukas is going to win tomorrow. Even though he was better than he’s ever been tonight, I still feel ug about him.
Paula Abdul SO wants to have sex with Lukas Rossi.
Dilana’s up. It’s time for her to continue her upward climb back to Queen of Rock. I love her a cappella opening of Roxanne. Wow. This woman has pipes. And she knows how to use them. And she’s not afraid to bring all of her competitors onstage to sing backup with her. And none of them distract from her awesomeness. This is a really hard song to sing. If you’ve ever heard anyone sing it at a Kareoke bar, you know what I’m talking about. I’ve never heard anyone other than Sting EVER sing this song and sound good. But Dilana just did it.
I still don’t really love her original, but I liked her in between song banter so much (I mean SO MUCH) better than the last time she sang this song and she was like, “this song is for all of those people out there who don’t get me,” or whatever she said.
Okay, now she’s going into the audience. She put the microphone in Paula Abdul’s face and Paula screamed. That was a really weird moment in the history of rock and roll. Where did Ashlee Simpson and the third Olsen twin go? Does Paula Abdul sing anymore, or is she too busy being incomprehensible.
Tommy Lee just said “that was hot” and he’s right. By the end of the song, I was totally into Dilana’s original song. Is Tommy Lee about to cry? I want to see Tommy Lee cry.
This is crazy. I have no idea who’s going to win this thing.
Dilana was better than Toby tonight. So now I’m back to rooting for her over Toby, but I still want a Team Toby shirt.
And here’s Magni…singing Hush by Deep Purple…how awesome is the House Band? When Magni’s singing, I watch the House Band…I don’t think there’s any way that Supernova is getting rid of Lukas first tomorrow, so my vote for the first person to go home tomorrow night would be Magni. Not that that was a surprise to anyone. I don’t have anything to say about Magni. I am trying to will one of the cameras to show us the back of Magni’s head because I want to know if Toby’s “EVS” is still written back there or if Magni’s gotten someone to scrub it off for him. Okay, we just saw a slightly obscured view of the back of his head and I didn’t see any ink. I think he’s washed his head. That’s not very rockstar.
Reason #2341 Magni isn’t very rockstar: He washes the back of his head. SO not rockstar.
I wish I was watching Bjork right now.
Anyway, Magni’s still singing, but I’m bored. So it’s time to urge people to vote for Dilana. She’s back in my #1 slot. That sounds dirty. VOTE FOR DILANA! (Or Toby, I still love him.) (I really can’t make up my mind, can I? Obviously.)
VOTE FOR DILANA. OR TOBY. JUST VOTE. (at rockstar.msn.com) (For some reason blogger won't let me do links right now) (weird)
Monday, September 11, 2006
Friday, September 08, 2006
She's right. My favorite scene in the movie was the one where he's in the yard dancing with his sister and brother. (It's a very sweet scene.) Oh, and the final dance number kicks balls (I thought I'd try that as a variation of "kicks ass" but I'm not sure if it really works as a substitute) and there's even a nice little homage to Dirty Dancing in the dance number. The movie is definitely worth seeing. (I already recommended it to Boom Boom Becca, and Bonnie I think you'd love it too, for shiznit.)
Speaking of cheesy awesome movies, Jessica keeps making fun of me because we were having lunch at Fuddruckers and they have these random TV screens around the restaurant and we saw a preview for the movie The Covenant and she kinda dissed the movie and then I was like, (very emphatically): "Dude, it's warlocks in high school. On the swim team. I can't fucking wait." And I'm serious.
I think it has the potential to be the best movie ever. (And I know I haven't seen the movie yet, but I'm going to go so far as to say, based on the concept alone, that the movie is probably going to be better than the Lord of the Rings trilogy.)
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
(If the contest name doesn't make sense and you don't feel like clinking the link above to read more about it, then the basics are thus: come up with phrases that involve genitalia and rocking, a la "rock out with your cock out.")
The creator of the best new phrase gets this shirt as a prize:
The shirt's being provided by my friend Adam, who happens to be in Cambodia right now, so he's the Official Judge and the winner of the contest will be determined by Adam and Adam only. (And Adam, you fucking rock, I love the shirt.)
Oh, and the idea of the contest was Adam's, inspired by Lindsay's original phrase "jam out with your clam out," and I think Adam has decided that Lindsay is disqualified because she provided the inspiration for the contest in the first place (thereby making her ineligable for the same reason that "employees of CBS are not allowed to compete on Survivor," but maybe Adam will get Lindsay a t-shirt anyway?)
Contest entries so far: (in order of receipt)
1. do your damage with your clammage (submitted by aimie)
2. rock the moon with your poon (submitted by aimie)
3. it's okay to freak out with your deek out (submitted by aimie)
4. Dance like Madge with your vag (submitted by jesse)
5. Open the trunk with your junk (submitted by jesse)
6. gimme a smooch as if you liked the cootch (submitted by jesse)
7. it's not wussy, use your pussy (submitted by lindsay)
8. make it hot with your twat (submitted by lindsay)
9. do no wrong with your dong (submitted by lindsay)
10. better believe her, that's some beaver! (submitted by lindsay)
11. bring your balls to the ball (submitted by joe c.)
12. be a genius, take out your penis (submitted by joe c.)
13. take your penis out of your pants and headbang to this awesome rock music (submitted by joe c.)
14. Thrash out with your gash out (submitted by bonbon)
15. Jerk in with your merkin (submitted by bonbon)
16. let the rock get caught in your twat (submitted by aimie)
17. feel the music grunt in your cunt (submitted by aimie)
18. dance out rock woes on your cameltoes (submitted by aimie)
19. metal tempo and time feels fine on my gine (submitted by aimie)
20. you can crank or yank that wank because the music is rank! (submitted by aimie)
21. shake your bones out with your stones out (disqualified entry/example offered by adam)
22. rock the boat out with your scrote out (disqualified entry/example offered by adam)
23. jam that song out with your schlong out (disqualified entry/example offered by adam)
24. shake your legs out with your eggs out (disqualified entry/example offered by adam)
25. Send em out with your pudendum out (disqualified entry/example offered by adam)
Keep your submissions coming!
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
I'm just going to comment on each performance.
First we have DILANA. Oh, Dilana, I used to think she was going to win this thing. She's still my favorite performer. I think she has the most amazing voice. But she totally tripped herself up (literally, it looks like, today: she sprained her calf and she had to hobble through her performance) by focusing on the debacle she got herself into a couple of weeks ago and not just moving on and focusing on the whole kick-ass rock thing. Her banter in between songs tonight was basically her way of sailing the white flag (did i just use that cliche correctly) (i meant to say i think that she's given up, she knows she's not going to win this thing anymore) because all she talked about was that if she doesn't win this, then she's going to keep rocking. Um, that's not exactly the kind of banter I want to hear in between songs when I go to see Supernova perform. I want to know that you can maintain rock momentum. That's what Supernova wants to see too. Oy. I think you lost the competition tonight, BUT I STILL LOVE YOU AND THINK YOU'RE THE BEST PERFORMER. Seriously. Don't hate on the fans. The fans love you for a reason. Because you're kickass. (And I suppose it's very Sid Vicious of you to be all "this song is a big fuck you to my fans" and I respect that you're rock and you're roll and your tough and shit" but I want to SEE that toughness that I think you truly are by you just forgetting about all the flack you got from the scandal of a few weeks ago and fucking ROCK.) (I'm starting to get repetitive, so I'm going to un-pause my Tivo and see what Dave Nacarro has to say.)
Dave is still your #1 fan. Oh, man, Dilana, I would SO pay $100 bucks to see you perform live, and that's the truth, baby. Buck up! We'll fuck off, you just keep rocking.
Dude! The House Band is opening for Supernova on their tour? How fucking cool is that? I want to know who sings for them when they're performing without reality show contestants? I think the pianoman is their main dude (I wish I knew all of their names, but I can't remember their names right now) so maybe he sings. They might actually be a better band than Supernova, depending on who Supernova picks to be their front person.
Okay, now MAGNI is up: He's singing Back in the USSR first. This is a great song. I don't even know if it's a John song or a Paul song, but, uh, whenever Magni sings all I can see is, like, some frat dude who just had a couple of pints singing in the basement of his frat pad, you know? He's no Beatle is what I'm saying. I just don't feel him. (Sorry, Jenny.) (Sorry, Iceland.)
Wow, though, the House Band's guitar player with the faux hawk is fucking hot. Magni just sang up real close to him and they shared the mic and sang a couple of lines and the guitar dude is smokin. So much more smoking than Magni.
Magni's original song is better than Back in the USSR. That came out wrong. The song isn't better by a mile, but he actually seems to be kind of feeling the song, whereas I don't think he's ever been to the USSR, let alone been back there.
Microphones are really phallic. Especially the way Magni holds them. Not that I'm into Magni at all. My mind is just wandering. I hate when singers do that hand motion to an audience. You know the one. The hand motion that's like, "yeah, come on, react." Uh, they'll react if they're feeling it, your hand isn't going to make them like you more.
Oooooo, Tommy just dissed Magni, and Magni's comeback was the worst comeback EVER. Tommy was like, "both of the songs you sang sounded the same," and Magni was like "because I sang both of them." So if Magni fronts Supernova, that's what we have to look forward to? The same sound over and over again? (Sorry, I don't mean to be a hater--I actually LOVE iceland--I mean, hello? Homeland of Bjork? Yeah, I LOVE ICELAND--but Magni isn't the lead singer of Supernova.)
STORM LARGE is up next, and she looks fucking hot. She's wearing a mansuit. Love it. And she's about to sing Suffregette City with Dave Navarro. This is gonna be good. I can feel it.
Yeah, Storm is bringing it tonight. She's kinda a freak, and I think we saw that earlier in the competition, and then she lost her freakitude for awhile--the middle weaks were kinda forgettable for Stormy--but this is like breakfast, lunch and dinner rolled into one performance, you know? (Oh, and remember when Jill humped Gilbey's leg and Gilbey was like "that's not sexy?" yeah, well: This. Is. Freaking. Sexy.) Storm just got on the grown (on her back) and kicked Dave's guitar with her boot and kinda writhed with the mic, but it fit the song, it wasn't humpy at all. It was awesome. She's very Alex de Large tonight. (I didn't even realize that Storm shares a last name with the protagonist of A Clockwork Orange until AFTER I typed his name, I swear.) Oh, and she just did the hand motion that I was complaining about a minute ago, BUT SHE MADE IT WORK, i swear.
Nice. She just took off her jacket for her second song. Which she says is called "What the what is lady like" but I think it's really called "What the fuck is lady like?" Wow, she's really fucking tearing this up tonight. I love her all of a sudden. And just like that, Storm moved up in line. I think she might actually win this thing? (Well, we haven't seen Toby yet, but this is a good original song.) Fuck, yeah. This is her best performance so far.
So, roundup so far: I would pay to see Dilana perform and I would pay to see Storm perform.
The Supernova boys just said that her original song was "voom" and "pphhhhuh" meaning "hot" and "wow" and I would just like to add that it was "yowza," "yum," and "it took its penis out of its pants and headbanged to some awesome rock music."
Okay, LUKAS is singing Livin' On A Prayor right now, or I should say he's mumbling it, and I'm totally not interested, so I just wanted to say, ADAM, ARE YOU READING THIS??? ADAM, IF YOU READ THIS, I GOT YOUR EMAIL WITH THE PHOTO OF THE T-SHIRT AND I'M GOING TO POST THE PICTURE AS SOON AS I FINISH WATCHING ROCKSTAR AND VOTE FOR MY FAVORITES A FEW TIMES, OKAY? SO, IN LIKE, THIRTY MINUTES OR SO, THE T-SHIRT PHOTO WILL BE POSTED. I FREAKING PROMISE.
Wow, Lukas REALLY rearranged this song. I hate it. And not just because of Lukas' mumbly mouth thing, but, uh, LIVIN' ON A PRAYOR is a great fucking song (I'm serious) and you ain't doing it justice.
Lukas' in between song banter was better than everyone else's so far, I'll give him that. I like knowing that his song is about his mom, but now he's singing the song and I don't understand any of the lyrics. Did he just say "you make my breakfast"??? I think he did. Or he said "you make my bed." I'm not sure. But moms do those things, sometimes.
Every time they cut to Dilana she looks so uninterested. I miss my old Dilana who was vibrant and into this whole experience.
Okay, I think Lukas was actually singing "you make my head spin," not "you make my breakfast." Hmmm. Dave loves Lukas. But he's always the same? He's always running around spastic-like and mumbly. I SO DO NOT GET WHY PEOPLE DIG HIS THING SO MUCH.
And now it's time for fucking TOBY! Awesome.
(Wow, though, first the news just promo'd the 11 o'clock news with a story about "teens! digging up the dead! at cemetaries! doing the unthinkable! tonight!" yikes.)
He's singing Mr. Brightside first. This is one of my favorite pop songs from the last ten years or so. I love Toby's energy. He has something. That whole "it" thing. He so has it. I can't type anymore, I just have to listen. And drool. Hold on, I'll be back in a minute.
Nice job with that one, mate.
Time for his original song. He just took off his jacket, which was a good idea. I love his "oh oh oh oh" refrain, that's nice. Interesting, Storm and Magni are singing along with him. I wonder how much they've all heard each other's songs. It says something that Storm and Magni like the song enough to sing along. Tommy just took his glasses off as if to be like, "dude, I need to see this guy better, yeah." Toby's smart. e is ALWAYS going over to Supernova and singing in front of them, giving them the subtle I'm Your Singer thing. Okay, Tommy is singing along to the song too, that says something. The song is definitely catchy. And when Tommy pinched Toby's ass, Toby kept rocking.
VOTE FOR TOBY! DO IT! GO VOTE FOR TOBY NOW!
Monday, September 04, 2006
I’m still sad and upset that Derrick and Diem got kicked off the show last week, but I’ll just have to get over it. Unfortunately, now that Derrick and Diem are gone, I’m not really rooting for anyone. I kinda like Tina and Kenny, but I kinda hate them too because Tina was all “get your anorexic ass away from me” to Diem last week and I wanted Diem to scream back that she had a fucking “cancer ass, thank you very much,” but she didn’t, and so Tina never got her comeuppance for being such an asshole. So I don’t want them to win. And I think Derrell and Aviv seem like great people and they probably deserve to win, but honestly, they’re kind of boring, and Derrell just said that he’s been on four of these shows and he won the first three he was on and he wants to go “four for four” and now I’m like, “girlfriend, you’ve already won enough” and “that’s too many consecutive words that sound like “four.”
So that leaves Wes and Casey. And I hate to admit that I’m actually rooting for them now. Because I fucking hate Wes. He’s a misogynistic asshole. But there’s something to be said for the fact that he’s still here after going into exile so many times, and Casey certainly deserves to win a shitload of cash (250,000 clams) for putting up with Wes this whole time.
Anyway, here we go, the exile is about to begin:
Holy crap. They have to run TEN MILES for their final exile mission, including competing puzzles and going through obstacles and possibly carrying lots of weight and even being tied together and there are lots more rules, but as always, the rules on this game are so freaking complicated.
Wes is still being a dick with Casey. Even though I’m rooting for them, I’m not going to ever mention the fact that he’s a dick anymore because I hate the negativity.
(Hey, BonBon, are you reading this? Total sidenote—not at all related to Fresh Meat—do you watch Grey’s Anatomy and comment on a messageboard about it? Because I was reading a messageboard today and was reading someone’s comment that made several comparisons to Grey’s and 90210 and I was like “this feels like BonBon,” and then I looked at the name of the commenter and I forget what the name was but it had the word “cricket” in it and I was like…IS THIS BONBON?!?!?)
Back to Fresh Meat:
Ten miles. Shit. I would die.
Oh my god they have to run through the water right now “and the race has just started,” Tina just said with so much attitude.
Okay, wow, they all failed the first puzzle and now they all have to carry hundreds of thousands of pounds…except for Darrell and Aviv who only have to carry 50 pounds. Shit.
Tina and Kenny are in the lead right now. Casey and Wes are in last place. I’m not feeling it for them right now. When do they film their testimonials? They’re talking about the race, so these testimonials were all filmed after the race was over. How weird. They have to talk about the race as if they’re still in the middle of it and they don’t know who wins, but they’re already done.
Holy shit, now they have to carry each other WHILE carrying hundreds of thousands of pounds.
Wow, I’m really mad at MTV right now, Wes just mentioned that Casey’s fucking weak and he’s carried her the whole game, and then they showed this montage of clips as if to prove that Wes was right, but who would ever want to run when they have Wes calling them a bitch the whole time?
I thing I just saw a random Australian walking on the beach. I’m sure he was like, “crikey, why is that mate with the Mohawk calling that boinker a bitch?” (He probably didn’t say boinker, I just can’t think of an Australian slang word for “girl” right now.)
Didn’t Steve Irwin popularize the word “crikey?” His unexpected death was so, so sad.
Darrell and Aviv just aced their second test and they got to drop all of their weight and they’re totally going to win this thing. Okay, they won. I guess I’m happy for them. They’re definitely the nicest people and the strongest and they deserved it. But this was kinda anticlimactic.
Wes and Casey came in third and they look SO beaten. Hey, you still won 10,000 bucks a piece. And now Casey’s crying that she “really, really let Wes down.” Come on, Casey! He should give you HIS 10,000 for how badly he treated you.
Goodbye, Fresh Meat.
UPDATE: I was just looking at my statcounter, at the searches that have led people to my blog today, and most of them are Fresh Meat related, one of which is outrageous. Check it out:
1. mtv fresh meat spoilers
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Okay, now, I'm cool with the search for Coral's boobs, and I wish I could help you, bud, but what the fuck is up with someone googling number 26? That one's just whack.
My favorite search is one of the few non-Fresh Meat related searches, number 35.
Oh, and for all the people out there would want Fresh Meat spoilers: Derrell and Aviv freaking won, didn't you read the rest of this entry?
Oh, and JENNY: (this is totally NOT related to Fresh Meat) after watching this week's reality episode of Rockstar online, I'm not rooting for Dilana anymore. There's no way she's gonna win. She's gone too far cuckoo. Now I'm rooting for sexy sexy Toby.