Svetlana’s Choice

It’s time for another season of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge! I know that some people really enjoyed my Fresh Meat write-ups and some people were like “really, Erik? Reallllllllly? Again with the Fresh Meat write-ups?” so I’m not going to do a play-by-play thing here, I’m just gonna jot down some thoughts as I watch the show. And if you don’t care about the Challenge, you can leave me comments about how television is destroying my brain.

--First of all, I am so happy that there’s another Challenge. It feels like the last one finished a couple of weeks ago (I think it did) and I’ve been jonesing for some cramazing MTV reality.

--Wow, I can’t believe Evan is back. After the hernia debacle from last season, I wonder what physical ailments he’s gonna try to fight through this time. This dude could partially severe his head and he’d be like “I’m fine, I can push through it, I don’t give up.” There’s a difference between not giving up and accepting that your body is literally falling apart and you desperately need medical attention, but whatevans.

--Diem’s back and she’s in remission from her ovarian cancer! I love her and I’m really happy for her.

--We cut from Diem’s heartfelt confession to Casey talking about how she spent her Fresh Meat reward money on a boob job and that’s why I love this show. Because one woman’s remission is another woman’s boob job, or vice a versa—MTV doesn’t discriminate—health or fake boobs, whatever makes you happy, MTV will tell your story. (Have you ever noticed that people say “boob job” and they say “fake tits” but they never say “tit job” or “fake boobs”? I think we need to switch things up and start saying “tit job” and “fake boobs” more often, but that’s just me.)

(I just realized that I ended my last two paragraphs with “but” phrases.)

--Evan just addressed the hernia debacle. He was like “my doctors gave me a clean bill of health so stop worrying about me, Erik,” and then I was like, “but you were such an idiot for trying to compete with your intestines literally pouring all over the place,” and then he was like, “they weren’t literally pouring all over the place,” and then I was like, “I saw the footage! They were! Literally! Pouring all over the place!” and then he was like, “nuh-uh,” and then I was like, “dude, you’re a tool and your hernia’s gonna come back to haunt you this season. I call it right now.”

--Wes is back this season without Johanna. They’re still dating, but she’s not competing on the show this season, which is probably good for their relationship. The less time they spend together, the fewer opportunities he has to call her a bitch and for her to realize that he’s a douchebag and she deserves better. (Apparently “douchebag” isn’t in my spell check. Why the freak isn’t douchebag in my spell check? Have I never typed the word douchebag before? What’s up with that? Why don’t I use douchebag enough for my spell check to know it by now? Douchebag is a perfectly perfect word. It should be used more.) (That reminds me of this one time when I was in French class in high school, my French teacher Ms. Branica was asking all of us where our families originally came from and this one girl was trying to say that she was Dutch and she said she was “a douche” and we all thought that was the most hilarious thing.) (Why on earth is that memory so vivid in my head? It’s not particularly funny, yet it is INCREDIBLY VIVID IN MY HEAD. Like, this was twelve years ago and I can remember the look on this girl’s face when she realized what she had just said, yet I can’t remember what I wore yesterday.) (Similarly, I have a very vivid memory of the time my biology teacher in junior high school told the class that we were going to study orgasms in class that day, when she meant to say “organisms in class.” And I don’t remember a single other thing that I learned that year. I just remember the teacher saying the word “orgasms” and the fact that we were gonna study them.) (Do I have the most puerile mind or what?)

--Back to Wes, he just said that he can’t wait to have a bunch of “little Wes’ running around.” This is why I believe in zero population growth, people! We can not have little Wes’ running around! Ahhhh! The horror.

--I love how they cut from Wes saying the thing about wanting to have a bunch of “little Wes’ running around” (I still can’t type that phrase without vomiting in my mouth just a little bit) and then the brilliant MTV editors cut to a shot of Casey (Wes’ former partner from Fresh Meat, who he treated horribly) looking all despondant and biting her lip.

--Thank God For Beth. “I am going to make everyone’s life a living hell.” That’s why we love you, Beth. I predict she’s going to kill someone this season. Seriously.

--Who’s Paula? I don’t remember her from past seasons. Why don’t I know who she is? Is she a major MTV character and I’m just having crazy memory loss? Why isn’t Tanya on this season? We want Tanya, MTV.

--CT is the new Wes. Cocky bastard. Love it. He has SO MUCH ‘TUDE!

--Holy crap, we’re only four minutes into the episode and I’ve already written a novel about this baloney?

--Okay, wait, I think I’m remembering Paula all of a sudden. I think she’s a drunk crazy girl who hooks up with lots of people. (Fairly safe bet on the Challenge.)

--Solo mission! Everyone’s happy about it except for Paula. I don’t get Paula. What’s wrong with Paula? Casey doesn’t look happy about it either. Casey, this means that you won’t ever have to compete WITH wes ever again (this time). You should be really happy. Stop frowning. You have new boobs!

--TJ just explained the rules and true to Challenge form, they don’t make sense at all—or they kinda do, but they are so freaking complicated that I couldn’t explain the rules if you paid me 8 million and 7 hundred thousand dollars to explain the rules to you. (How great was tonight’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy?)

--Nehemiah just said “We are fighting for half a million dollars. I cannot even imagine what kind of snakes are gonna come out of people’s personalities.” I love Nehemiah. He’s always saying things like that. I mean “I cannot even imagine what kind of snakes are gonna come out of people’s personalities” makes sense, but it’s really oddly worded. Snakes coming out of people’s personalities? People acting like snakes, yes—but snakes coming out of people’s personalities? It’s just odd wording. Fascinating, strange wording. Nehemiah is like the Yoda of MTV Challenges.

--Tyler seems really conniving and he just said that the girls are all going to pick him first because he’s gay and girls love gay guys and either he’s totally going home today because MTV loves to set us up for an ironic fall at the end of the first episode every season.

--Reason I love these MTV kids #1,897: They just got a clue that told them they would all have to leave the house at 10 a.m. tomorrow morning for their first challenge and EVERYONE gasped as if 10 a.m. was SO EARLY.

--Oh, I think Paula is from Key West. I think she’s new. I think she’s the girl who eats her hair.

--Holy crap. MTV always makes their challenges difficult, but this challenge is fucking even more difficulter than usual. As usual, Beth is trying to screw everyone. Okay, wait, the challenge just ended for the girls and I don’t get their strategy. They’re somehow trying to work as a group but they’re all in it for themselves and there only one person who can get a key but they’re all trying to get the key together? What?

--Evan is totally about to rip his hernia again. Seriously, Evan. YOU ARE PULLING FIVE MEN WITH YOUR BELLY. YOU ARE GOING TO RIP YOURSELF TO SHREDS. Why are the guys all trying to help Eric win? What’s up? Why isn’t anyone else trying to get the key? That was the weirdest challenge. It made more less-sense than the MTV challenges usually do.

--I think it’s interesting that that Derrick didn’t try to save Diem (he chose Kina) (did he and Kinda ever have a thing?) and that Tina didn’t save Kenny (she so holds a grudge from Fresh Meat!) and now this girl Svetlana (?) from Key West has to choose between two of her boys from Key West, forcing one of them into The Duel, and this show has so suddenly just become Svetlana’s Choice, I love it, you just know that MTV somehow orchestrated the entire schoolyard picking system so that it would end exactly how it ended. She even has Meryl Streep’s accent. This is so epic.

--Hey, lookiloo, remember how Tyler was like “I’m totally gonna get picked first because I’m gay and all the girls wanna pick the gay guy?” Remember that? Yeah, well Tyler, I think you’re gonna be this season’s Ev (remember Ev?) because here you are, in the bottom two, and you’re totally going into the Duel today. Just wait.

--Yep. I was right. So predictable (yet I still love it). Tyler’s the last man standing. If you ever say “I’m going to be the first person picked” on an MTV reality challenge, then you are always going to be the last person picked. It’s like a law or something.

--Tyler’s competing against John and I don’t care who wins at all. As long as Derrick’s not going home today, I’m happy.

--Tyler has to lift 31 watermelons to stay in this game. Another reason I love this show. They have challenges that involve lifting 31 watermelons. In a shock twist, Tyler won the challenge! Crizzazy. It was kind of an ass move for Tyler to put his “best friend” in the challenge and then send his “best friend” home by lifting 31 watermelons.

--Beth just said “I don’t want any drama. I swear to you, I don’t want any drama.” Um, huh? Beth? Your last name is Drama! Your name is “Beth Drama!”

--MTV totally just pixilated the nipple boners that were poking through Tina’s shirt.

--Diem JUST finished her chemo and she’s back for another challenge. She is such a rockstar.

--Okay, remember how, like, 30 seconds ago Beth was all “I don’t want any drama. I swear to you, I don’t want any drama?” Well, now she’s all: “I think there’s a bunch of bitches on this show. I love just messing with them and playing with them. It’s very fun for me…I’m gonna have to take down some bitch today, I know it.” And then she did the Beth cackle. Beth! You’re insane! (And I hope you never get kicked out of the challenge because you are great MTV.)

--It’s time for their second competition and Diem just said “the second I see that mud pool, I’m freaking out: Damn it, damn it, I have to take my wig off, I’m so pissed,” and she hasn’t taken her wig off yet, but I just want to say that I’ve always thought women with bald heads are beautiful. I love bald women. It’s a look that more women should embrace more fully.

--Speedo time!

--I’ve always wanted to run around in a big vat of mud. That’s the only reason I wish I knew how to play football—so I could go play football in the mud on a rainy day, like people do, and get really muddy.

--This challenge is pure gay porn.

--Kina hates Beth so much that I hope they’re the final two ladies standing. Beth is practically a cartoon character. Is she playing her self

--Diem is freaking out about having to take off the wig. I understand, but D—you’re gonna look so much hotter than any of these other girls. I like that the other women all decided to put on swim caps so that they’d all look the same. Nice moment of solidarity on a show that is almost devoid of moments of solidarity. Unless your name’s Derrick, because my man Derrick is super solid.

--I said this wasn’t going to be a beat by beat blog, but it kinda has been. Sorry, Lindsaylindsay.

--The wig just came off and Diem, you are SMOKIN’. Seriously. So. Hot. Derrick just yelled out “D—you look good!” And she’s starting to feel it—she’s starting to feel “kinda kinda good” and she fuckin’ should—you can sense that all of the guys are like, “dayum, girlfriend.” And, uh, yeah…I think I just turned straight. My grandmother will be proud.

--No one is putting rings on Diem’s pole. (That sounds uh wrong.) But But I don’t think they’re just being nice. She deserves this win because she totally just had a great personal win and she should take the challenge to honor that. Awesome. She did. She won. She’s totally rockstar. Diem Brown, I want you to self-google yourself and read this: You are fucking awesome. Feel it. Believe it.

--Oh…nice…Tina and Beth are starting the first catfight. As Evan says “one of the most beautiful moments [Diem winning] was quickly followed by one of the most ugly moments…” and Tina is about to punch Beth…oh, do it! Fight! Fight! Fight! Whoa…Tina took a punch! I didn’t think it was gonna happen. Holy crap! She totally just took a fucking punch and then the episode ended! Cliffhanger, baby.

--This is an amazing show. Wow. Just wow.