Svetlana’s Choice

It’s time for another season of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge! I know that some people really enjoyed my Fresh Meat write-ups and some people were like “really, Erik? Reallllllllly? Again with the Fresh Meat write-ups?” so I’m not going to do a play-by-play thing here, I’m just gonna jot down some thoughts as I watch the show. And if you don’t care about the Challenge, you can leave me comments about how television is destroying my brain.

--First of all, I am so happy that there’s another Challenge. It feels like the last one finished a couple of weeks ago (I think it did) and I’ve been jonesing for some cramazing MTV reality.

--Wow, I can’t believe Evan is back. After the hernia debacle from last season, I wonder what physical ailments he’s gonna try to fight through this time. This dude could partially severe his head and he’d be like “I’m fine, I can push through it, I don’t give up.” There’s a difference between not giving up and accepting that your body is literally falling apart and you desperately need medical attention, but whatevans.

--Diem’s back and she’s in remission from her ovarian cancer! I love her and I’m really happy for her.

--We cut from Diem’s heartfelt confession to Casey talking about how she spent her Fresh Meat reward money on a boob job and that’s why I love this show. Because one woman’s remission is another woman’s boob job, or vice a versa—MTV doesn’t discriminate—health or fake boobs, whatever makes you happy, MTV will tell your story. (Have you ever noticed that people say “boob job” and they say “fake tits” but they never say “tit job” or “fake boobs”? I think we need to switch things up and start saying “tit job” and “fake boobs” more often, but that’s just me.)

(I just realized that I ended my last two paragraphs with “but” phrases.)

--Evan just addressed the hernia debacle. He was like “my doctors gave me a clean bill of health so stop worrying about me, Erik,” and then I was like, “but you were such an idiot for trying to compete with your intestines literally pouring all over the place,” and then he was like, “they weren’t literally pouring all over the place,” and then I was like, “I saw the footage! They were! Literally! Pouring all over the place!” and then he was like, “nuh-uh,” and then I was like, “dude, you’re a tool and your hernia’s gonna come back to haunt you this season. I call it right now.”

--Wes is back this season without Johanna. They’re still dating, but she’s not competing on the show this season, which is probably good for their relationship. The less time they spend together, the fewer opportunities he has to call her a bitch and for her to realize that he’s a douchebag and she deserves better. (Apparently “douchebag” isn’t in my spell check. Why the freak isn’t douchebag in my spell check? Have I never typed the word douchebag before? What’s up with that? Why don’t I use douchebag enough for my spell check to know it by now? Douchebag is a perfectly perfect word. It should be used more.) (That reminds me of this one time when I was in French class in high school, my French teacher Ms. Branica was asking all of us where our families originally came from and this one girl was trying to say that she was Dutch and she said she was “a douche” and we all thought that was the most hilarious thing.) (Why on earth is that memory so vivid in my head? It’s not particularly funny, yet it is INCREDIBLY VIVID IN MY HEAD. Like, this was twelve years ago and I can remember the look on this girl’s face when she realized what she had just said, yet I can’t remember what I wore yesterday.) (Similarly, I have a very vivid memory of the time my biology teacher in junior high school told the class that we were going to study orgasms in class that day, when she meant to say “organisms in class.” And I don’t remember a single other thing that I learned that year. I just remember the teacher saying the word “orgasms” and the fact that we were gonna study them.) (Do I have the most puerile mind or what?)

--Back to Wes, he just said that he can’t wait to have a bunch of “little Wes’ running around.” This is why I believe in zero population growth, people! We can not have little Wes’ running around! Ahhhh! The horror.

--I love how they cut from Wes saying the thing about wanting to have a bunch of “little Wes’ running around” (I still can’t type that phrase without vomiting in my mouth just a little bit) and then the brilliant MTV editors cut to a shot of Casey (Wes’ former partner from Fresh Meat, who he treated horribly) looking all despondant and biting her lip.

--Thank God For Beth. “I am going to make everyone’s life a living hell.” That’s why we love you, Beth. I predict she’s going to kill someone this season. Seriously.

--Who’s Paula? I don’t remember her from past seasons. Why don’t I know who she is? Is she a major MTV character and I’m just having crazy memory loss? Why isn’t Tanya on this season? We want Tanya, MTV.

--CT is the new Wes. Cocky bastard. Love it. He has SO MUCH ‘TUDE!

--Holy crap, we’re only four minutes into the episode and I’ve already written a novel about this baloney?

--Okay, wait, I think I’m remembering Paula all of a sudden. I think she’s a drunk crazy girl who hooks up with lots of people. (Fairly safe bet on the Challenge.)

--Solo mission! Everyone’s happy about it except for Paula. I don’t get Paula. What’s wrong with Paula? Casey doesn’t look happy about it either. Casey, this means that you won’t ever have to compete WITH wes ever again (this time). You should be really happy. Stop frowning. You have new boobs!

--TJ just explained the rules and true to Challenge form, they don’t make sense at all—or they kinda do, but they are so freaking complicated that I couldn’t explain the rules if you paid me 8 million and 7 hundred thousand dollars to explain the rules to you. (How great was tonight’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy?)

--Nehemiah just said “We are fighting for half a million dollars. I cannot even imagine what kind of snakes are gonna come out of people’s personalities.” I love Nehemiah. He’s always saying things like that. I mean “I cannot even imagine what kind of snakes are gonna come out of people’s personalities” makes sense, but it’s really oddly worded. Snakes coming out of people’s personalities? People acting like snakes, yes—but snakes coming out of people’s personalities? It’s just odd wording. Fascinating, strange wording. Nehemiah is like the Yoda of MTV Challenges.

--Tyler seems really conniving and he just said that the girls are all going to pick him first because he’s gay and girls love gay guys and either he’s totally going home today because MTV loves to set us up for an ironic fall at the end of the first episode every season.

--Reason I love these MTV kids #1,897: They just got a clue that told them they would all have to leave the house at 10 a.m. tomorrow morning for their first challenge and EVERYONE gasped as if 10 a.m. was SO EARLY.

--Oh, I think Paula is from Key West. I think she’s new. I think she’s the girl who eats her hair.

--Holy crap. MTV always makes their challenges difficult, but this challenge is fucking even more difficulter than usual. As usual, Beth is trying to screw everyone. Okay, wait, the challenge just ended for the girls and I don’t get their strategy. They’re somehow trying to work as a group but they’re all in it for themselves and there only one person who can get a key but they’re all trying to get the key together? What?

--Evan is totally about to rip his hernia again. Seriously, Evan. YOU ARE PULLING FIVE MEN WITH YOUR BELLY. YOU ARE GOING TO RIP YOURSELF TO SHREDS. Why are the guys all trying to help Eric win? What’s up? Why isn’t anyone else trying to get the key? That was the weirdest challenge. It made more less-sense than the MTV challenges usually do.

--I think it’s interesting that that Derrick didn’t try to save Diem (he chose Kina) (did he and Kinda ever have a thing?) and that Tina didn’t save Kenny (she so holds a grudge from Fresh Meat!) and now this girl Svetlana (?) from Key West has to choose between two of her boys from Key West, forcing one of them into The Duel, and this show has so suddenly just become Svetlana’s Choice, I love it, you just know that MTV somehow orchestrated the entire schoolyard picking system so that it would end exactly how it ended. She even has Meryl Streep’s accent. This is so epic.

--Hey, lookiloo, remember how Tyler was like “I’m totally gonna get picked first because I’m gay and all the girls wanna pick the gay guy?” Remember that? Yeah, well Tyler, I think you’re gonna be this season’s Ev (remember Ev?) because here you are, in the bottom two, and you’re totally going into the Duel today. Just wait.

--Yep. I was right. So predictable (yet I still love it). Tyler’s the last man standing. If you ever say “I’m going to be the first person picked” on an MTV reality challenge, then you are always going to be the last person picked. It’s like a law or something.

--Tyler’s competing against John and I don’t care who wins at all. As long as Derrick’s not going home today, I’m happy.

--Tyler has to lift 31 watermelons to stay in this game. Another reason I love this show. They have challenges that involve lifting 31 watermelons. In a shock twist, Tyler won the challenge! Crizzazy. It was kind of an ass move for Tyler to put his “best friend” in the challenge and then send his “best friend” home by lifting 31 watermelons.

--Beth just said “I don’t want any drama. I swear to you, I don’t want any drama.” Um, huh? Beth? Your last name is Drama! Your name is “Beth Drama!”

--MTV totally just pixilated the nipple boners that were poking through Tina’s shirt.

--Diem JUST finished her chemo and she’s back for another challenge. She is such a rockstar.

--Okay, remember how, like, 30 seconds ago Beth was all “I don’t want any drama. I swear to you, I don’t want any drama?” Well, now she’s all: “I think there’s a bunch of bitches on this show. I love just messing with them and playing with them. It’s very fun for me…I’m gonna have to take down some bitch today, I know it.” And then she did the Beth cackle. Beth! You’re insane! (And I hope you never get kicked out of the challenge because you are great MTV.)

--It’s time for their second competition and Diem just said “the second I see that mud pool, I’m freaking out: Damn it, damn it, I have to take my wig off, I’m so pissed,” and she hasn’t taken her wig off yet, but I just want to say that I’ve always thought women with bald heads are beautiful. I love bald women. It’s a look that more women should embrace more fully.

--Speedo time!

--I’ve always wanted to run around in a big vat of mud. That’s the only reason I wish I knew how to play football—so I could go play football in the mud on a rainy day, like people do, and get really muddy.

--This challenge is pure gay porn.

--Kina hates Beth so much that I hope they’re the final two ladies standing. Beth is practically a cartoon character. Is she playing her self

--Diem is freaking out about having to take off the wig. I understand, but D—you’re gonna look so much hotter than any of these other girls. I like that the other women all decided to put on swim caps so that they’d all look the same. Nice moment of solidarity on a show that is almost devoid of moments of solidarity. Unless your name’s Derrick, because my man Derrick is super solid.

--I said this wasn’t going to be a beat by beat blog, but it kinda has been. Sorry, Lindsaylindsay.

--The wig just came off and Diem, you are SMOKIN’. Seriously. So. Hot. Derrick just yelled out “D—you look good!” And she’s starting to feel it—she’s starting to feel “kinda kinda good” and she fuckin’ should—you can sense that all of the guys are like, “dayum, girlfriend.” And, uh, yeah…I think I just turned straight. My grandmother will be proud.

--No one is putting rings on Diem’s pole. (That sounds uh wrong.) But But I don’t think they’re just being nice. She deserves this win because she totally just had a great personal win and she should take the challenge to honor that. Awesome. She did. She won. She’s totally rockstar. Diem Brown, I want you to self-google yourself and read this: You are fucking awesome. Feel it. Believe it.

--Oh…nice…Tina and Beth are starting the first catfight. As Evan says “one of the most beautiful moments [Diem winning] was quickly followed by one of the most ugly moments…” and Tina is about to punch Beth…oh, do it! Fight! Fight! Fight! Whoa…Tina took a punch! I didn’t think it was gonna happen. Holy crap! She totally just took a fucking punch and then the episode ended! Cliffhanger, baby.

--This is an amazing show. Wow. Just wow.

This is pandemonium, Larry!

Okay, oh my god, if you're a fan of the Real World/Road Rules Challenges (hello Uma, Marie, Annie, Steve, Bonnie, et al) then YOU MUST WATCH THIS:

Clink me for a preview of MTV's The Duel.

Yeah, it looks like it just might be the BEST freaking challenge EVER.

So. Much. Drama. Like, more drama than usual. And there's usually a lot of drama. And Derrick's back. And Diem's back. And I had no idea the new season was starting so soon! Holy frak!

Goodbye Fresh Meat

Okay, since tonight’s the finale of MTV’s Fresh Meat, I feel like I should do some mild live-blogging of it. I’m not actually watching it live right now, I’m watching it on my Tivo, so I’m sticking with my tradition of not really live live-blogging.

I’m still sad and upset that Derrick and Diem got kicked off the show last week, but I’ll just have to get over it. Unfortunately, now that Derrick and Diem are gone, I’m not really rooting for anyone. I kinda like Tina and Kenny, but I kinda hate them too because Tina was all “get your anorexic ass away from me” to Diem last week and I wanted Diem to scream back that she had a fucking “cancer ass, thank you very much,” but she didn’t, and so Tina never got her comeuppance for being such an asshole. So I don’t want them to win. And I think Derrell and Aviv seem like great people and they probably deserve to win, but honestly, they’re kind of boring, and Derrell just said that he’s been on four of these shows and he won the first three he was on and he wants to go “four for four” and now I’m like, “girlfriend, you’ve already won enough” and “that’s too many consecutive words that sound like “four.”

So that leaves Wes and Casey. And I hate to admit that I’m actually rooting for them now. Because I fucking hate Wes. He’s a misogynistic asshole. But there’s something to be said for the fact that he’s still here after going into exile so many times, and Casey certainly deserves to win a shitload of cash (250,000 clams) for putting up with Wes this whole time.

Anyway, here we go, the exile is about to begin:

Holy crap. They have to run TEN MILES for their final exile mission, including competing puzzles and going through obstacles and possibly carrying lots of weight and even being tied together and there are lots more rules, but as always, the rules on this game are so freaking complicated.

Wes is still being a dick with Casey. Even though I’m rooting for them, I’m not going to ever mention the fact that he’s a dick anymore because I hate the negativity.

(Hey, BonBon, are you reading this? Total sidenote—not at all related to Fresh Meat—do you watch Grey’s Anatomy and comment on a messageboard about it? Because I was reading a messageboard today and was reading someone’s comment that made several comparisons to Grey’s and 90210 and I was like “this feels like BonBon,” and then I looked at the name of the commenter and I forget what the name was but it had the word “cricket” in it and I was like…IS THIS BONBON?!?!?)

Back to Fresh Meat:

Ten miles. Shit. I would die.

Oh my god they have to run through the water right now “and the race has just started,” Tina just said with so much attitude.

Okay, wow, they all failed the first puzzle and now they all have to carry hundreds of thousands of pounds…except for Darrell and Aviv who only have to carry 50 pounds. Shit.

Tina and Kenny are in the lead right now. Casey and Wes are in last place. I’m not feeling it for them right now. When do they film their testimonials? They’re talking about the race, so these testimonials were all filmed after the race was over. How weird. They have to talk about the race as if they’re still in the middle of it and they don’t know who wins, but they’re already done.

Holy shit, now they have to carry each other WHILE carrying hundreds of thousands of pounds.

Wow, I’m really mad at MTV right now, Wes just mentioned that Casey’s fucking weak and he’s carried her the whole game, and then they showed this montage of clips as if to prove that Wes was right, but who would ever want to run when they have Wes calling them a bitch the whole time?

I thing I just saw a random Australian walking on the beach. I’m sure he was like, “crikey, why is that mate with the Mohawk calling that boinker a bitch?” (He probably didn’t say boinker, I just can’t think of an Australian slang word for “girl” right now.)

Didn’t Steve Irwin popularize the word “crikey?” His unexpected death was so, so sad.

Darrell and Aviv just aced their second test and they got to drop all of their weight and they’re totally going to win this thing. Okay, they won. I guess I’m happy for them. They’re definitely the nicest people and the strongest and they deserved it. But this was kinda anticlimactic.

Wes and Casey came in third and they look SO beaten. Hey, you still won 10,000 bucks a piece. And now Casey’s crying that she “really, really let Wes down.” Come on, Casey! He should give you HIS 10,000 for how badly he treated you.

Goodbye, Fresh Meat.

UPDATE: I was just looking at my statcounter, at the searches that have led people to my blog today, and most of them are Fresh Meat related, one of which is outrageous. Check it out:

1. mtv fresh meat spoilers
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Okay, now, I'm cool with the search for Coral's boobs, and I wish I could help you, bud, but what the fuck is up with someone googling number 26? That one's just whack.

My favorite search is one of the few non-Fresh Meat related searches, number 35.

Oh, and for all the people out there would want Fresh Meat spoilers: Derrell and Aviv freaking won, didn't you read the rest of this entry?

Oh, and JENNY: (this is totally NOT related to Fresh Meat) after watching this week's reality episode of Rockstar online, I'm not rooting for Dilana anymore. There's no way she's gonna win. She's gone too far cuckoo. Now I'm rooting for sexy sexy Toby.

Dispelling the myth that 14-year-olds cannot apply to be on MTV's MADE.

Earlier this afternoon, the following google search brought a very disappointed 14-year-old to my blog:

Why can't 14 year olds apply for MTV's Made?

I feel bad that this kid came to my blog looking for an answer to this (very important) question, only to leave my blog empty handed (in a matter of words). (And when I say it's very important, I'm not being sarcastic or ironic.) (I truly feel for this 14 year old kid, because any kid who wants to be on Made is a good kid in my book.) (Seriously--I love the show.) (Interestingly enough, I don't think I've ever written about the show on my blog, but still the search found me.) (It's like it was destined for me.) (If you aren't familiar with the show, each episode follows a high school aged kid [who must apparently be older than 14] as they try to get "made" into someone they aren't but wish they could be, i.e. the geeky girl wants to get made into the Prom Queen, or the princessy girl wants to get made into a Skater Chick, or the white boy wants to be made into a rapper, etc., and then MTV provides them with Made Coaches who help these kids achieve these seemingly impossible dreams, and sometimes the kids achieve them, and sometimes the kids don't, and it's fascinating and it's really a kind of hopeful show because the kid featured in each episode usually learns how difficult it is to achieve many of your dreams but that they ARE attainable if you work at it, if you persist, if you don't give up, and then by the end of each episode the kids featured usually have this amazing sense of accomplishment because they actually have pulled something off that a lot of other people thought would be impossible. It's an inspiring show. I admit that I'm a sucker for a lot of things, but I think that this is one reality show that isn't only about entertainment, but that also does some greater good.) (So that's what the show is.)

So. Hey, random 14-year-old. Yeah, I'm talking to you. The one who googled "why can't 14-year-olds apply for MTV's MADE?" I did some research for you because I WANT YOU TO APPLY. And guess what I found out? YOU CAN. According to MTV's website, you can apply to be on Made "if you appear to be between 15 and 21." The operative word in that sentence (and if you've been slacking off in English class, I mean the fucking most important word in that sentence) is "appear." Meaning you don't really have to be 15! You can be 14 as long as you look older, and even if you don't, well, all you have to do to apply is send in a videotape "[explaining] what your goal is, why you think you can make it, and why you need [MTV] to help you reinvent yourself. Also mention if you know when your goal can be achieved (tryout date/audition?)" and then MTV will "give you the tools to pursue your dream - the coach, the trainer, the tutor, whatever - and you'll do the rest." What I'm trying to say is that even if you don't freaking look 15 yet, then pour your heart into that videotape and maybe they'll look beyond your youthful appearance and see your heart and your dream and your goal and they'll see that spark, that fire, and they'll want to help you get Made?!? You never know. It never hurts to try. The answer might be no, but hell: it might be yes too. And if you don't send in a tape, well, then there ain't no might about it: the answer is no. So make a kick ass tape and send it in!

I really hope that you google your question again and come back to my blog because my blog now has an answer for you. Anyway, good luck, kid.

*

My favorite episode of Made is the one where the band girl wants to become Prom Queen and no one thinks she's going to get it because she's a freaking band girl, and then this rumor starts spreading around campus that she's planning on building her prom dress herself out of duct tape, and the rumor happens to be true, and she's staying up late every night making this EPIC dress out of DUCT TAPE, and it looks like it's not going to come together because she still has homework to do and she still has to find a date and she still has to try to convince the school to vote for her when no one knows her, and then flashforward to Prom Night: we see her in her DUCT TAPE PROM DRESS for the first time and...it's freaking amazing. Like, the coolest dress in the history of dresses. And she made it! Which makes her even cooler than the dress. And the dress is really cool. So she's, like, hecka cool, or hella cool, or wicked cool, or totally cool, depending on which region of the United States you live in. And then the other kids at school--who have been dissing her because she's a duct tape freak--when they see her in her afreakingmazing dress, they can't help it: they have to admit it's fucking cool. Because it is and you're a big ol' liar if you say it isn't. And you can, like, feel the high school tides turning in her direction. I mean, this girl is the kind of girl who is a supreme dork in high school but then by the time she goes to college she's one of the coolest kids on campus, but that tide is shifting earlier than it usually does in these stories, and then she gets crowned Prom Queen, and she gets the boy, and they dance, and YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP.

So good.

*

I wonder what this random 14-year-old kid anonymously google-search-landing on my blog wants to get Made into? Is it a boy? A girl?

Do they want to (and the following examples are all suggestions from MTV's website) win Class President? Land A Role In The Spring Musical? Ask Someone Special To A School Dance? Be Crowned Prom King Or Queen? Learn How to Ice Skate? Gain Confidence To Meet Their Pen Pal/Online Friend In Person? Reignite An Old Romance? Make A Spring Sports Team? Join The Dance Team? Lose Weight? Complete A Triathlon? Help A Friend Achieve Their Goal? Learn To Box? Well, whatever they want to do, I want to know!

*

When I was 14, I wanted to be made into an Academy Award Winning Actor. (Yeah, I'm pretty sure MTV would have turned down my application--because unless the Academy Award was made out of duct tape, I think that dream would have been a little bit difficult for them to help me accomplish.)

*

What I want to know is, why can't 29-year-olds apply to be on MTV's MADE? Huh, MTV? What about that? I mean, okay, I understand that the show wouldn't be quite as interesting if it was 29-year-olds. The teen crowd is much more dramatic than my age group, especially when it comes to Reinventing Yourself Despite The Fact That All Of Your Peers Want You To Stay In the Box They've Already Got You In (i.e. basketcases are not princesses are not jocks are not criminals are not brains).

But if you (MTV) ever decide to produce a one-off "older person" episode of Made, well, would you consider making me into a boxer? (I hella promise you that would be SO dramatic. First of all, my Made coach would have to teach me how to take a punch without letting out a high-pitched scream.)

Or you could make me into an autobiographical comic book artist! (This would be a big challenge!) (I can't draw to save my life!) (but ever since I saw the movie American Splendor, I've desperately wanted my own comic book, and, actually, this is one thing that I think I might be able to make without your help, MTV. Because I don't really need to illustrate the thing--I could just write it and then get someone else to illustrate it.) (Harvey Pekar is a god.) (okay, so I'm putting this on my List Of Things To Do Without MTV's Help and I'm going to think of other things to get Made into) (as I was typing that last sentence, I got worried that it sounded snarky, and if you, MTV, really are reading this, I just want you to know that I don't really have a snarky bone in my body and I'm SO not being snarky right now--I truly love Made, and I'm sitting here at my computer letting myself succumb to the fantasy of you actually producing an "older person" version of Made and how rockstar that would be).

Or you could make me into a circus clown. (This was a fantasy of mine way back in the day.) (I was THIS CLOSE to applying for Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Clown College.) (What stopped me?) (I had my application all filled out and everything when I heard that the school was closing down for a period of time while they restructured--this was years ago--but if they hadn't closed down that year, I wonder how different my life would be right now? Would I have gotten into the program? Would I have gone? Would I have been any good at it? Would I be on the road right now, with a whole bunch of frogs and dogs and bears and chickens and whatevers.) (I understand that there aren't very many frogs and dogs and chickens in the traveling circuss, but if you get the reference to "frogs and dogs and bears and chickens," you win a prize.) (The reference is totally random and I don't even know why I put it there, because it has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm talking about right now.) (anyway)

Okay, so: MTV, if you ever read this, feel free to help Make me into either a boxer, an autobiographical comic book artist, or a circus clown. Thank you very much.

Fresh Meat live blog is BACK

Okay, so I'm going to live blog MTV's Fresh Meat again tonight, because Uma told me to (that's not completely true) (actually, I suggested it and then she approved of the idea).

Derrick and Diem are falling in love and it's making her forget that she has ovarian cancer. She's mumbling and she doesn't make sense. (Okay, so far this blog entry doesn't really make much sense either.) (I was sort of lost in staring at Derrick and his amazing Derrickness to be able to focus on what was actually going on in the episode.) She's afraid that no one will want to be with her because she has cancer. But what she doesn't realize is that she's totally one of (if not THE) coolest people in the house. And Derrick is such a manstud, and such a sweetheart, and you can tell he's falling in love. I hope they get married and have lots of beautiful little babies. It's impossible to be snarky when talking about them.

Okay, other stuff has happened and I've just been babbling about how much I love Derrick and Diem. Now it's time for today's challenge, which involves diving under water and staying down for as long as possible. I would be terrible at this. I was in a play many, many years ago and I remember during one of the rehearsals we had these "who can hold your head under water the longest" competitions and I was really bad at it. That's a true story.

Wes is talking shit about Casey again. Some things never change.

Tina and Kenny just went underwater. I've barely said anything about Fresh Meat. Okay, while we're on commercial, I just want to point out again that during that "holding your breath under water" competition, I think that part of it was a weird claustrophobia thing, because when I'm swimming I can stay underwater for a long time. But when we were sitting onstage and I was holding my head in a pot of water I could only stay for, like, five seconds. Uma was in the play too. I can't remember how well she did, but I think she was probably better than me at it. I think everyone was better than me at it. I was a really sucky hold-your-head-in-a-pot-of-water actor.

Okay, we're back.

Tina just said that she could feel "the pressure in her head getting worse" and I like Tina so I'm not going to make any stupid jokes. Not jokes that are stupid, but jokes about stupidity. That's what I meant. Wow, I feel really stupid right now. MTV just made it look like Derrel and Aviv did really bad at this challenge, but sometimes they edit it so you can't tell who is doing well and who isn't and I think they did weller than they want us to think. Oh, wait, DAMN: Chanda and whoever her partner is (I can't see him right now, oh wait, it's Theo) they are doing KICK ASS. They were under water for, like, an hour.

Wes just called Casey "stupid on so many levels it isn't even funny." Despite the fact that he usually DQ's himself.

Okay, it's Derrick and Diem's turn. Go, go, go, fucking hold your breaths, please, come on, oh shit, is that a shark? Derrick is greaking, he was vowing to do really good at this, but then he saw what looked like either a shark or a big fish (maybe it was that thing from the TV show Surface) and, ok, he's still holding his breath, okay, fuck, it WAS a shark, but they did really well and MTV wants us to think they won, which means they're probably second place...okay, TJ is about to tell us...YES! They WON!

Derrick and Diem fucking deserve to win this. Come on Gods of MTV. They freaking need the money so they can pay for their inevitable weapon. I like that Diem is finally getting into the gane-playing part of this game. The smart thing to do is vote out the strong people, and the strong people just happen to be their friends, and last week Derrick made her put her best friend into exile and now Diem is making Derrick put HIS best friend into exile, and Derrick looks so upset, BUT COME ON. You gotta do this. We're talking 250 thousand buckaroos.

Another commercial. I'm really hungry. I had a really late lunch and then all I had for dinner was a chicken breast and now I'm starving. Oh, I saw a promo for the 11 o'clock news on CBS earlier tonight and they were teasing a story about Tom and Katie saving some people and the story is totally about the clown people pictured two posts below. I totally have to remember to watch that. Maybe they'll explain their crotches.

Okay, we're back. Diem looks almost THRILLED to be putting one of Derrick's friends in Exile. Derrick looks like he's going to throw up. I think Diem is taking such perverse pleasure in this, it's ridiculous. I'm glad that Chanda understands--she realizes that it's all about competition at this point, and that they're the strongest peeps right now. This is really good news for Derrick and Diem. Darrell and Aviv just got selected to go into Exile against Theo and Chanda--and Darrell is also one of Derrick's best friends. Which means that the two supposed strongest teams are going into Exile. Derrick and Diem can TOTALLY beat Wes/Casey and Tina/Kenny in the end. This rocks. This is good. (Except now everyone hates Derrick, which sucks, but come on: dude has to win this money so he and Diem can buy horses to ride off into the sunset together on.)

I don't know why Darrell is pissed off at Derrick--Derrick didn't have anything to do with the rest of everyone voting him into Exile. How on earth did Wes stay in this game so long? It's kinda crazy.

Okay, now we're at the Cheeky Monkey bar that they hang at, and MTV just showed us a sign that said "69" and I think that was a little obvious, right before cutting away to Derrick and Diem drunkenly making out and Diem telling Derrick, "you know what...I'm bad."

And how they're sitting on the sidewalk talking about how good Derrick's heart is (true) and how great his "wooooo" is, and then they show Derrick saying that "the money will help Diem the most...it might ultimately save her life, and that's what matters the most," and if it was possible to love him even more, I do right now.

This wasn't a very good live blog.

They just showed a clip of Derrick being interviewed on MTV's Fresh Meat online Aftershow where Derrick says "Derrick loves the girls, man," and that makes me wonder if maybe Derrick has googled himself and read my Fresh Meat liveblogs, because I get so many goddanged google hits about Fresh Meat and all of the various cast members that I'm sure pretty much everyone on the show has self-googled and come here at some point, (seriously, I get, like 30 hits a day from people who have googled Fresh Meat related searches) and I hope Derrick isn't freaked out by the fact that I have a huge crush on him, it's really just a blog crush, not really a real life crush. I know that you love the girls, Derrick. A crush is a crush. I just want you to be happy because I honestly think you're the best person to come out of an MTV reality show. You have a heart the size of a watermelon. Rock on.

(I just reread some of this--I didn't reread the whole thing, I just kinda skimmed it--and I laughed when I read the sentence "maybe they'll explain their crotches" because it isn't completely clear that I'm talking about the clowns and you could totally read that sentence as referring to Tom and Katie and I think it can work that way too.) (Because if Tom and Katie explained their crotches on the eleven o'clock news on CBS, well, I think a lot of people would tune in for that.)

a live-bloggin anotha freakin' ep of Fresh Meat

Okay, so I didn’t blog about last week’s episode of Fresh Meat. I watched it while I was in Pismo Beach with my dad and my brothers and we had very shoddy wireless in our hotel room and I didn’t end up live-blogging it while I watched it and I kept meaning to watch it again on my Tivo but then the week just swept me away and I never got to it and I’m sorry.

Anyway, last week on Fresh Meat: because of Wes’ supreme dickosity, he got sent into Exile again and then everyone voted for his Exile Challenger to be Tanya and then Tanya had a major meltdown and sprouted devil horns and basically said shit like, “if you think I was a bitch before, you’ve never seen bitch.” And Tanya was the most maddest at Derrick because apparently they’re really good friends (but I can’t remember ever seeing them speak to each other before) (shifty MTV editors shoulda planted their friendship some more) (unless the “friendship” is all in Tanya’s head) (but I want to believe it isn’t because I actually kinda feel for Tanya and I feel bad that she’s known as the bitch) (even though she does crazy, bitchy things) (I freezeframed my Tivo so I could write this little “last week on Fresh Meat” paragraph and I inadvertently froze it on a frame of Derrick standing looking off in the distance, probably at sultry Diem off camera, and he is so freaking hot) (I want to date, like, Derrick’s gay cousin—come on, Derrick, you’ve gotta have a gay cousin, right?) (oh, but back to Tanya, here’s the thing: I feel like they’re setting Tanya up as the new villain because I feel like Wes’ run is up and he’s finally going to get kicked out in today’s Exile and then they won’t have Wes running around being the lovely asshole that he is and they need drama so they know it’s Tanya’s turn to provide the drama and even though she’s obviously crazy, she might not be so completely crazy in real life) (I’m just hoping some of it’s for the TV drama) (does anyone else out there miss Julie the Mormon? she’s always good for a good fight or two)

Oh man, I thought I was watching a recap of last week’s show, but I was actually watching the last 30 seconds of last week’s show and I love how the editors edited together that footage of Tanya walking away from Derrick in tears (“I need a break, I’m gonna go away!”) and then we see her in the confessional looking all crazy again saying that “the [she says an unintelligible word here] Tanya is going to come out” [it sounds like she might be saying “the ragged Tanya” but that doesn’t make any sense because her demeanor is all threateny, so my imagination is just cycling through all the possible evil adjectives she might have used just now] and then the camera pulls away from a shot of Tanya staring off into the Australian distance and then this guitar riff comes in and we cut to a shot of Tanya crying so hard she can barely catch her breath and then we get some more hard guitar riff as the camera pulls away from her looking at Australia again and then we get a quick shot of her biting her lip and wearing sunglasses now so we can’t see her red eyes and then one last shot of her looking at Australia and boom the episode ends and they’ve certainly set us up for some Tanya nastiness tonight! (I think she might have said “the rat in Tanya is going to come out,” though that doesn’t make all that much sense either, but it does make more sense than “the ragged Tanya”)

Now, on to tonight’s episode:

Okay, now that I’m actually watching the recap of last week’s episode, I remember that Tanya and her partner Johnnie did really well on the challenge “so you know [being sent into Exile] isn’t based on merit and that’s why I’m pissed!” and I also remember that Derrick and Diem blew me away because they were the first team to compete and they had to do this really difficult rope climbing thing and it was agonizing to watch because Diem had a really bad grip on the rope and there was really no reason she should have gotten across the rope—many other teams after them fell, boom, like that—and it totally didn’t look like she was going to make it across, but she fucking worked that rope.

Okay, now the ep is starting. Tina and Kenny are being all sexy and flirty by the pool and then we hear this sound, this buzzing sound, and we cut to Tanya who is staring at them by the pool and we realize that the sound we’re hearing is, like, a swarm of flies, oh my God, Tanya is totally the lord of the flies all of a sudden, she’s just staring at Tina like she wants to absentmindedly kill her (apparently Tina and Kenny didn’t do as well as Tanya and Johnnie did at last week’s challenge and Tanya thinks that Tina and Kenny should have been voted into Exile and maybe if they had they wouldn’t be all sexy and flirty right now, would they? Oh no they wouldn’t, dumb fucking sexy flirts) and now I’m pretty certain that that “Gatorade” cup in front of Tanya is filled with lots and lots of booze and she’s flipping off the camera and telling us that she’s had “animosity” against Tina for the last three years and then Tanya uses the word animosity about three more times and then MTV cuts to some footage from one of the Battles of the Sexes seasons of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge and we see Tanya and Tina yelling at each other and then we cut back to Tanya, now, sitting with Wes, and she says “you don’t understand how crazy I am” and then I feel justified in calling Tanya crazy and I don’t have to feel bad about it anymore because she fully acknowledges her cray crayness.

Tanya has decided that she’s going to win today’s challenge so she can get out of Exile and put Tina in Exile in her place. Of course, she’s telling this to Wes and Wes is looking at her like “you’re a woman, so there’s no way you’re going to win today’s challenge.” I mean, Wes didn’t say that, but you can SO read that on his face, his thoughts are just that transparent. And he’s a misogynistic scumbag, natch. As if to prove my point, Wes totally ignores the fact that Tanya just said she was going to win today’s challenge and he turns the conversation around to himself and says “okay, so if I win the challenge today” (even though he’s never even come close to winning a challenge) “and I put Tina into Exile against you…” and then Tanya is so drunk that she doesn’t realize that Wes has shifted focus from her and her crazy scheme to win today’s challenge and she’s like “I’d fucking love it! I want to be in Exile against Tina! I’d beat her ass!” (I just rewound to hear Tanya’s exact words and before she says what I just said she says [huh?] she says, “I’d beat and her I would love it,” very simply, but she has this totally random accent when she says it—maybe she’s always had an accent and I’ve just never really picked up on it—but I kinda find it endearing right now.

Okay, Wes was just talking about Tanya in metaphorical-speak and he makes no sense at all. Here’s what he just said:

“Tanya is a bomb. She might not have blown up right now, but trust me her wick is getting thin.” Huh?

Cut to Tanya standing by some bushes with an attitude that’s even slicker than her hair, which is suddenly SO SLICK it’s distracting and she’s all cocky because she and Wes have both agreed to vote Tina into Exile if either of them wins the challenge today (even though neither one of them has come close to winning a single challenge thus far) (and have you noticed that Tanya is always talking about how hard every challenge is? it never sounds like she’s complaining, it usually sounds more like she surprised that MTV has put together a strenuous, difficult challenge, which I always find funny because the challenges on this show are ALWAYS difficult and when I’m watching them at home on my couch I’m usually like, “that challenge would kill me.”)

Tanya just told Wes that if he beats Tina in the challenge, she will suck Wes’ toes and Wes could not look more excited. (Johanna, are you watching at home? Did you see the look on your boyfriend’s face? Are you still dating him? LEAVE HIM!)

Later that night, they get a clue about tomorrow’s challenge and little Katie’s like “hey everyone, we got a clue!” and the way she says it (combined with the fact that everyone’s already sitting in the room) it’s obvious that moments earlier the MTV producers were yelling at everyone like, “okay people! stop drinking and having sex just long enough so we can get some footage of little Katie saying that there’s a new clue!”

I want more story development for Derrick and Diem. How is their love blossoming? Instead, we get some romance between Theo and Lynette, who are lying in bed speaking Spanish together and when I say they’re speaking Spanish, they’re actually speaking Spanich, and then suddenly Theo’s wearing rabbit ears and when I say that Derrick’s wearing rabbit ears I mean he’s literally wearing rabbit ears. Lynette’s getting over a long relationship right now and she “wants Theo to respect her,” and as soon as she says that, all of the men in the house start hitting their heads like they’re monkeys and when I say they’re hitting their heads like they’re monkeys THEY’RE SERIOUSLY HITTING THEIR HEADS LIKE THEY’RE MONKEYS. Seriously, people.

We cut to a quick, sad shot of Casey (Wes’ partner) packing her bags. She hasn’t said anything yet in tonight’s episode (mostly because Wes won’t ever shut up) and she’s been in Exile three times already and you can see by the look on her face that she’s pretty sure this is it. (I have this fantasy that she and Wes will be competing in the Exile competition and they’ll be winning and just as they’re approaching the finish line, Casey will stop running and she’ll just stand there and she’ll tell Wes that she isn’t going to cross the finish line because he doesn’t deserve to win because he’s an asshole to women and she’s stronger than he is because she has the power to take this game away from him and that’s it, he’s done, she’s not crossing the line—just, like, this big Fuck You to him.)

Tanya is certain that she’s going to win today.

Oh, now Casey’s speaking! She’s not nervous because she knows that Tanya’s luggage is really heavy (remember, part of the Exile challenge involves running long distances dragging your luggage with you—so the more you packed, the more disadvantage you’re at)

Time for today’s challenge. Basically people have to blow air into these kayaks and then take the kayak somewhere and do something, but they aren’t allowed to get any limbs in the water and if they do then they have to come back to the shore and start over and there are other rules but I didn’t really understand everything TJ just said. Lots of kayak stuff.

Katie and Eric are going first against Shane and Lynette…Oh, ok, they have to collect a flag. Shane and Lynette did really well and Katie and Eric are totally floundering (mostly because Eric is lying down in the kayak and basically, in Katie’s words, “taking a nap”). Okay, after they collect the flag, they have to deflate their kayaks, which Lynette says is “the most difficult part of this challenge!” and I think she’s being a little melodramatic. Then Katie yells at Eric and it looks like this marriage is beginning to go sour (they’ve always seemed so happy together!) and Katie suggests that she and Eric are the worst team and that they deserve to go into Exile. Ouch.

Now it’s Derrick and Diem against Tina and Kenny. Derrick says their strategy is to just “go go go!” and then we see Tina and Kenny falling into the water and now I’m mad because they’re making it look like things are really close between Tinny and Derriem (I just came up with those nicknames) (just now) (am I good, or what?) but if I remember correctly, TJ said that if any limbs touch the water you have to go to the shore and then start all over again. Is Tina’s butt not a limb? Her whole body was just in the water! Make them start over! But he doesn’t and things are neck and neck and then, boom! Derrick and Diem (sorry, I meant Derriem) just deflated their raft and won their heat! Rock on.

Now it’s Coral and Evan against Wes and Casey. Wes, you’re about to get schooled. His strategy is to inflate his raft as little as possible so they can get into the water quickly and of course his strategy doesn’t work and of course his foot gets in the water and of course they tell him he’s going to have to start again and of course he just gives up because, well, wait—Wes—I thought you were going to win this one?

Now we have Tanya and Johnnie up against Darrell and Aviv and it’s Tanya’s turn to shine. She wants to win so she can put Tina in exile. But, well, in Tina’s words, “when Tanya comes into competition, she talks a lot of shit but she can’t back it up.” And, of course, she doesn’t win, and now it’s definitely going to be Tanya vs. Wes in Exile.

The last team to compete is Theo and Chanda and because it’s an odd number of teams they go it alone.

Shane and Lynette win the challenge. Shane’s kinda cute. I never realized that until just now. I only say “kinda” because he’s no Derrick.

Tanya is certain that she’s going to win today…until she finds out that she has to run this race carrying luggage that weighs as much as the luggage they brought with them…which means that Wes is carrying 56 pounds and Casey is carrying 57 pounds, while Johnnie is carrying 106 pounds (!) and Tanya is carrying…147 pounds of luggage (!!!!!!)

Holly crap!

Dammit, Wes and Casey are totally going to win—they’re already sprinting away and Tanya can barely pick up her bags. This is sad. This is awful. I really hope Casey stops before the finish line to teach Wes that lesson. Wes is at such an advantage because he’s done this so many times AND because he apparently packed NOTHING. (Who wants to bet that Tanya and Johnnie are going to forget to grab their flags during the race?)

Wes and Casey are, like, miles ahead of Tanya and Johnnie. Wes and Casey are, like, the Senseis of the challenge. Casey’s like “we don’t even read the directions on the puzzles anymore!” Tanya and Johnnie spend a lot of time at the first puzzle and they totally fuck it up. Cut to Wes and Casey, and they’re…they’re lost?

No, they aren’t lost…they’ve won it…and Casey is ecstatic and even though she hasn’t taught Wes a lesson I at least feel happy for her because I want Casey to be happy (she deserves mucho mucho happiness for being saddled with Wes) and then Wes starts talking about how he’s being nice to Casey and she’s doing better and for a second I start to think that Wes is turning into a better dude, but then he says: “I pretend to be a nice guy, I pretend to be really sensitive, but really I’m just like kaching, kaching!” and he’s completely unredeemable.

Goodbye Tanya. You’re crazy but you should have been here longer. We’ll miss your cray crayness.

Back at the house, Theo just said “I have a freaking big one.” He was talking about his Adam’s Apple, but we all know what he was really talking about.

When Wes and Casey get back to the house, everyone is freaked. They’re starting to feel like Wes and Casey are unstoppable in Exile. They definitely have a huge advantage over everyone else because they’re the only people who know what to expect. Damn them. (Not you, Casey—just Wes.) And…my Tivo just cut out but I think the show was pretty much over anyway. This show is depressing. Too much Wes, not enough Derriem lovin’.

Fresh Meat: more assholyness from the Austin crew

This week’s live-blogging of Fresh Meat is criminally late. Sorry.

To recap last week’s episode: Wes was an asshole again, to infinity.

We open with more of Wes being an asshole and he’s going on and on about how it’s obvious that the challenge has come between him and Johanna in their relationship. Yeah, right, it’s the reality show that’s come between them, not Wes’ big mouth. That’s right. Yeah, sure. Good one, Wes. (Fun, he just called his girlfriend “the most spiteful person he knows.” Don’t you love young love?) If Johanna doesn’t kick his lame lily-white ass to the curb in tonight’s episode, she’s a freaking idiot. Seriously. Johanna, please—if you self-google yourself and find this blog entry, I am begging you: leave the bastard.

So now that the whole requisite in-case-you-forgot-Wes-is-an-asshole recap is done, it’s time for the Fresh Meaters to have some fun. Which means it’s time for a costume party. Which means we’re about to see Tanya dressed as a slut and we’re about to see all of the other women dressed as Tanya.

Okay, the costume party sequence was so quick I barely even got to see what half of the Fresh Meaters were wearing and now I have to rewind and do some pausing. It looks like Diem is dressed as a slutty mermaid with an eye condition. The next person we see getting into costume is a blonde woman putting on mascara who for the life of me I cannot recognize. (More proof that I had a stroke in my sleep, perhaps?) (Because I’ve seen enough episodes of Fresh Meat by now that you would think I would know everyone’s names by now.) (Though there’s always at least one person on these reality shows who lays low for several weeks and then all of a sudden starts talking out of necessity—because there ain’t no one else around—and then you’re like, “who the hell is that?”) (So maybe this blonde girl with the mascara is the silent type.) (WAIT—holy crap—I think it’s Casey, aka Wes’ partner, aka [in Wes’ words] “the most miserable, terrible, unathletic person ever,” or whatever he called her [that wasn’t an exact quote, but I’m sure it’s close] and now I feel bad for not recognizing her in the first place because girl deserves props for having to put up with the Devil’s assholyness every week.) (That’s right, I just called Wes “the Devil.”) (It’s because I’m tired of typing his name and I’m tired of him dominating this show with his assholyness, and I’m tired of people googling his name and finding my blog and I’m just plain done with him.) (His name will never again be uttered on my blog.) (From here on out, he will be referred to as “the Devil.”) (Okay?) Next we see supposedly-closeted (according to Shane) (and I can’t believe I’m sitting here spreading gossip I’ve heard Shane talking about on “Overdrive,” the aftershow they air on mtv.com) Jesse dressed as Tinkerbell. True story. (True story!) And Tinkerjesse is standing with Johnny, who is dressed as either Conan the Barbarian or a Half-Naked Man With Muscles. I can’t tell which. We then cut to a quick shot of Tanya trying to seduce Jesse and it looks like she has lipstick smeared all over her face and I think she’s already made out with at least five of the men in the house. Then we see an amazing shot of Johanna dressed as Drunk Tinfoil and Evan dressed as the Devil (not dressed as “the Devil,” but as the actual devil) and then standing behind them is Darrell as Tupac except I think it might actually be Tupac. I can’t tell what Chanda is supposed to be—she has a black cape on—maybe she’s a vampire? Theo is dressed as a naked bunny. Sorry, a naked DRUNK bunny. At the end of this very quick costume party montage, we see several shots of Tanya in her red lingerie getting wasted, doing shots, letting other people do shot off of her body, and then there’s this really puzzling image of Tanya with what looks like an egg yoke in a seashell perched on top of her bosom and I honestly have no idea what that thing is supposed to be but I’m getting the distinct impression that she’s waiting for someone to drink it and I’m afraid. I’m very afraid.

Tanya’s partner Johnnie just said that he’s afraid Tanya is starting to unravel and I’m like “starting?”

Next we get a scene between Johanna and Evan and I’ve gotten a better look at her costume and I think she’s supposed to be a Drunk Tinfoil Pilgrim. With low self-esteem. Because she’s decided to go apologize to the Devil for how much of an asshole he’s been to her. Come on, Johanna! I’m glad that you’re telling him that he’s hurtful and expressing your feelings and all, BUT DUMP HIS ASS. And then Johanna’s like, “if he hurts me again, there won’t be a second chance,” and I’m like, “Johanna, Johanna, Johanna—you’ve already given this dude, like, 10 second chances in the last four episodes of this show. How many second chances are you not going to give him before you finally stop giving him second chances?”

And then, the next morning, the two of them are all giggly and in love again and I’m really mad at the Devil for giving Mohawks a bad name. Because Mohawks used to be so fucking cool.

I want to go to Australia. That was a completely random comment and it has no bearing on the contents of this post.

Okay, it’s challenge time. Which means it’s time for everyone to squeeze into really tight speedos and cover their bodies with oatmeal and then try to keep as much oatmeal on their bodies while running across a field and then dumping their body oatmeal into a bucket and then running back to the other side of the field and getting more oatmeal. As TJ explains the rules, we see a shot of Casey (the devil’s partner) looking so sad and down and defeated and I feel so bad for her and I wish there was a way that she could switch partners or something.

Commercial break. My pink lei is starting to itch and it’s only been eight hours. But I’ve never been leid so long before and I figure I’ll be able to get through the itching phase and come out the other side a stronger man.

Back to Fresh Meat: covering your body with oatmeal and running with it really is kind of disgusting. The highlight of this challenge, though, has to be seeing Derrick in a speedo and covered in oatmeal. Despite the disgustingness of the oatmeal. I’m sorry. I’m obsessed.

I can’t tell who’s doing good and who’s doing bad. It’s kind of impossible to tell, the way they’re editing it. Coral just made a joke about how badly she needs to wash oatmeal off of her nipples.

Wow, Coral and Evan got first place. They fucking rock. They’re amazing. They’re powerhouses. Now it’s time for Johanna/Jesse and Casey/the devil to compete against each other in Exile.

I’m sorry, I’ve kind of lost steam, this is some lame live-blogging. I’m just tired of the devil. NOTE TO MTV: too much devil, not enough Derrick!

I was about to say that this is kind of Shakespearean—boyfriend and girlfriend pitted against each other in this final challenge like they are—but it’s not Shakespearean. I just wish that more people would find my blog by searching the word “Shakespearean,” so I thought I would throw the word into this post a couple of times. Ooooo, how sad are those Shakespearean scholars going to be when they come to my blog looking for Shakespeare and they find my rambly musings about Fresh Meat. But before I can continue talking about Fresh Meat being Shakespearean, the devil just called Casey a “stupid bitch” and I seriously want to kill him.

It looked like Johanna and Jesse were going to win the race, but then they made a really dumb mistake and the devil won and finally, FINALLY, Johanna confronted the devil about his assholyness and told him to lay off of Casey: “Do you know the kind of person you seem like when you act like that…?” and then Johanna says that “when he called Casey the b-word, he was getting out of hand” and I don’t understand how someone who says “the b-word” instead of “bitch” could EVER date the devil. It’s so weird.

The episode ends with Casey telling the devil that she hates him and the devil finally apologizes and then Tanya mentions that she’s a timebomb waiting to explode and I’m getting the feeling that MTV is getting ready to pass the crazy torch from Wes (that’s the last time I’m typing his name) over to Tanya.

Fresh Meat will come

If it's Monday night and you've come here to read my thoughts about tonight's episode of Fresh Meat (hey, it could happen!) (Fresh Meat is a very popular show) (cough cough Marie and Annie cough cough) I'm going to have to disappoint you tonight. I haven't watched the episode yet. I've been dealing with a car debacle (it's not really a debacle, it's more along the lines of Erik-did-something-really-stupid) (which, okay, I guess that's, like, the definition of "debacle") (but it's not bad, per se) (that's what I'm trying to say) (you don't have to worry about me or anything) (I'm fine) (the car's fine) (everyone's fine) (just, you know, muggy debacle) (oh, and if you didn't read the art gallery comment thread, you don't know that I'm trying to use the word "muggy" as an adjective that means "awesome" or "rad" or "great" or "big") (like the Boston kids and their "wicked" and the NorCal kids and their "hella/hecka") and I'll blog about my muggy car debacle later.

Oh, and the Fresh Meat blog, that'll come later too.

I have to take a shower after watching tonight's episode of Fresh Meat

Okay, so I’m “live”-blogging Fresh Meat again, for the five people who read my blog who also watch Fresh Meat (maybe there are more of you) (but for every person who reads my blog and LIKES Fresh Meat, there are at least 10 people who read my blog and DO NOT like Fresh Meat) (that statistic is probably grossly inaccurate also) (however, I will note that since I started writing about Fresh Meat, almost every single google hit I get has been Fresh Meat-centric) (I wish that someone would google “best ways to keep meat fresh” and then stumble upon my blog, because that would give me a chuckle or two) (I have no idea how to keep real actual chicken and pork and beef fresh) (on with the show!)

But first, a quick recap…Last Week On Fresh Meat:

--Wes was a dick.
--Derrick and Diem were falling in love.
--Wes was dickish some more.
--Johanna loves Wes.
--Wes was a dick.
--Derrick and Diem were falling in love.

I did that recap from memory because my Tivo didn’t actually tape tonight’s recap (it started taping—boom—with the opening credits), but I don’t even have to go back and look at my last Fresh Meat write-up to know that it’s an incredibly accurate recap. (Actually, maybe Derrick and Diem were falling in love two weeks ago, but whatever.)

The episode opens with a shot of two lizards hugging and then it cuts to a shot of Wes and Johanna frolicking in the pool and I really love when reality TV editors do thinks like that because, come on: Wes and Johanna are freaking lizards, it’s true. So then Wes and Johanna start laughing maniacally and they haven’t even spoken yet and they’re freaking me out. And THEN, Johanna hugs Wes and it looks like she’s going to kill him. Seriously. She looks like a scary succubus. And then we cut to Johanna talking in testimonial and she says something like “Wes and I have a pretty good relationship…he was a mess before I got my hands on him,” and I’m like, “wait, seriously, Johanna—he was MORE OF A MESS before? Because he’s a fucking mess now. And if you’re saying he’s better, he must have been, like, the anti-christ before, and you’re a really good girlfriend.”

Thankfully (I seriously almost just wrote “thankfucky,” which is SO a better word than “thankfully”) (I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like being thankful and all, and I think that “thankfully” is a really awesome word, but it doesn’t hold a candle to “thankfucky” because, um, hello? “Thankfucky?” Best. Word. Ever.) (Michael Hartney gave me props in his blog for inventing the word “clink,” but even though I thought that I had invented the word clink, and therefore invented it for myself, I didn’t truly, honestly invent the word. Like, it had actually existed before I had the cojones to say I’d invented it.) (But “thankfucky?” That’s gotta be another story. That calls for some googling.) (Which I just did—I just googled it—and when you google the word “thankfucky,” you get one hit. But it’s a British website and most of the words on the website appear to be misspelled and I don’t think that they actually intended to use the word “thankfucky”) (though it does have a certain British ring to it) (I miss England) (I wish I was in England right now) (But I fucking digress) (sorry) (thankfucky, I think I can lay claim to the word “thankfucky,” despite that one British website, because I think they used it accidentally, without realizing what a jolly brilliant word it is) (so, thankfucky) Tina is sitting by the pool watching Johanna and Wes frolic and she tells it like it is: “I feel bad for Johanna because Wes is an asshole…I am appalled by how he talks to his partner Casey” (who, if you’ll remember, he’s always referring to as “the weakest, most incompetent, least athletic, stupidest person”) “that sexist asshole needs to go home.” Amen, sister.

Okay, so after dissing his girlfriend and her partner as “the weakest team right now,” Wes explains that he is going to do anything and everything he can to make sure that Johanna doesn’t go into exile today, which means that Johanna is TOTALLY going into exile today, and then Johanna demands that Wes “take her to the room!” and she peels her arm off of him long enough to point at the room like she’s an evil princess and the thought of these two people having sex just made me swore off sex for the rest of my life. And then the camera panned to the water and then dissolved to a shot of a lit torch and I don’t know what that is supposed to signify about Wes and Johanna’s love life, but I’m just going to move on and try to get the images out of my head.

Okay, now Tina is kickboxing with some guy whose name I can’t remember (he’s a Fresh Meater) and apparently tonight’s episode is all about booty because everyone knows that kickboxing equals they’re-totally-about-to-do-it. Which makes me hope that if everyone’s getting’ some in tonight’s episode, then freaking Derrick and Diem better freaking get some freak on because freakity freak. Oh! but then Tina stopped the kickboxing session because she was all “I saw a picture of your girl” to the dude whose name I don’t remember and then everyone was like, “dude, you got dissed! You’ve already got a girl!” (And somewhere in the house, Tanya is getting ready to kickbox with him anyway.) Apparently the dude’s name is Kenny (speaking of Kennys, hey Adam—are you still reading my blog? Did Kenny ever come check out the blog? He totally didn’t. What’s up with that?) and he’s Tina’s partner and Tina likes him but she doesn’t want to fool around with him too much because “he doesn’t realize that this is a job!” and I sooooo love that all of the Real Worlders and Road Rulers consider competing on the Challenges to be a job.

Holly crap, did I not just say that Tanya was somewhere in the house getting ready to jump Kenny’s bones? Because as soon as Kenny says “Tina’s grown on me,” Tanya comes out of nowhere WEARING A WHITE, WET, SEE-THROUGH TANK-TOP and literally throws herself on Kenny with so much force that she knocks him into the pool, but Kenny wants to show Tina that he actually likes her and not Tanya so simultaneously while Tanya is throwing herself all over Kenny, Kenny still has enough wits about him to literally grab Tina’s shirt and pull it completely off as Tanya pushes him into the pool. I’m not making this up, people. It really happened. And somewhere there are still photographs of Tina’s bare breasts as she falls into the pool after Tanya and Kenny—because while all of the above was going on, Evan was standing next to the pool with his camera and then he laughed a laugh that could not sound more like the laugh of a twelve-year-old-boy-who-just-saw-boobies-for-the-first-time if he tried to make it sound like the laugh of a twelve-year-old-boy-who-just-saw-boobies-for-the-first-time. Seriously, the. Most. Juvenile. Laugh. Evah.

After the pool shenanigans, our Fresh Meaters get a clue about tomorrow’s challenge and the clue is basically “do you want to get high tomorrow?” And everyone’s starts screaming “it’s sky-diving!” but Derrick obviously really wants to toke some of the marijuana because he’s nodding really vigorously and if this was Blind Date and a thought bubble appeared on the screen it would totally say something like “I’m high right now” or “where are my Scooby snacks?”

Then we cut to a shot of Jesse talking about his eyebrows, except he’s not talking about his eyebrows, he’s talking about how he and Johanna need to win this challenge, but all I can see is his eyebrows and all I can hear is this thing called Subtext that keeps screaming “I’m gay and I’m cute” and I’m sad because why do all of the cute, gay Fresh Meaters (Ryan and Jesse) have to be teamed up with the annoying Austen girls (Melinda and Johanna), making them the first people to be kicked off the show??? (Ryan was booted last week and I’m predicting that Jesse gets booted tonight—except when I say “tonight,” I really mean “next week” because MTV likes to stretch these things out as long as possible.) (But mark my words: Jesse and Johanna are the next team to go.)

So the group arrives at the challenge and the first thing they see is a huge rock climbing wall and everyone (except for Derrick) is upset that they aren’t going sky-diving, while Derrick is upset that they aren’t going to get high from the marijuana. Basically, the wall is really tricky and, like, booby trapped (kinda) and whoever gets to the top the quickest wins, but it’s tricky and I can’t explain the rules because the rules for every game on this show are always way too difficult to explain and I’d rather just say “they have to climb a tricky wall” and just leave it at that.

Of course, Jesse and Johanna are chosen to go first, which means that they’re at the most disadvantaged and they’re totally going to lose. While they’re climbing we get two choice quotes from Wes, re: Jesse: “He’s not that strong” and “I wish he had muscles.” Wes is totally The Biggest Asshole of Reality TV. I am going to go so far as to say that Wes is a bigger asshole than both Puck (of Real World: San Francisco fame) and Johnny “I faked my grandmother’s death” Fairplay (of Survivor fame). Now, that’s just my opinion, but I have a feeling that a lot of people out there might agree with me. What do you think? Another choice Wes quote: “I think Johanna did absolutely horrible, but I didn’t expect her to do very well…she can’t even get down with athleticism.” Yeah, Johanna, if Wes was a mess BEFORE you got to him, holy freaking cow, because he is an ASS now, and he’s The Worst Boyfriend in The World and you should dump his ass.

I totally don’t understand the motivations of people on this game. Tina and Kenny just attempted the climb and then Tina fell off the wall, causing her and Kenny to be disqualified, and then she gets all mad because she’s afraid that people are now going to think that she and Kenny are a weak team, and then Wes gets all cocky and he’s like, “this is great! Now people are going to think that Tina and Kenny are a weak team and they’re going to vote them into Exile.” But what I don’t get is…if each team is playing for themselves, wouldn’t they want to keep weak teams around? Because that means that you’ve have a better chance of beating them later? Especially if said “weak teams” are cool people who you enjoy having around, like Tina and Kenny? Wouldn’t you rather vote out assholes like Wes? I just don’t understand why anyone would even think that this was a moment that signaled Tina and Kenny’s doom—I would think that they’d WANT TO look weak? Or am I wrong?

I’m tired of quoting all of the assholy things that Wes says. He and Casey are climbing the wall right now and he’s still going on and on about how stupid he is and I just want him to go home. He’s poison. I can’t take it anymore. Goodbye, Wes, go home. (Casey, you seem like a lovely person—screw him.)

Wes and Casey got elimated and then so did some other team…this wall is really tricky…for reals…until finally the teams seem to be learning from the people before them and they’re starting to complete the task...including Derrick and Diem! Derrick and Diem do really well. But then Coral and Evan climb up the wall as if they’re natural born spiders or something, and everyone starts whispering about how great Coral and Evan are and I’m like, “Tina and Kenny are SO NOT a threat, I don’t understand why Wes would think they’re going to get voted into exile, it is SO NOT going to happen.”

Derrick and Diem get 4th place…dammit, I want them to win. Why won’t people start letting the cancer girl win? Is it too much to ask? Hopefully she and Derrick are having lots of fantastic fourth-place sex.

Of course, Coral and Evan get first place, which means they get to choose one of the two teams who are going into exile, and then Wes does the Stupidest Thing He Could Possibly Do (um, maybe because he’s an idiot? Sorry, Wes, but you are what you preach)—he goes to Coral and Evan and he’s like, “DO NOT VOTE ME OR MY GIRLFRIEND IN. You need to vote ANYONE BUT ME OR MY GIRLFRIEND.” Which totally means that Coral and Evan are going to vote in either Wes or Johanna because he’s totally given them the idea to force the two evil lovers to have to go head to head in exile. It’s practically destiny. And, of course, they pick Wes. (Wes, if you ever do another Challenge, remember that you’re never supposed to say something like “don’t vote me into exile/the gauntlet/the inferno/whatever,” because that’s like telling someone not to think of an elephant—once you’ve gotten it into your head, it’s impossible not to do.) Wes is PISSED. I am ECSTATIC.

Okay, Wes is being a drama queen now and being a bad boyfriend and I’m not going to live-blog this. I’m boycotting it. Too much drama. (Don’t get me wrong—it’s great MTV drama—but he’s such an asshole it’s ridiculous.)

Wes is having the biggest freakout in the world and, as Theo just said, he’s being “semi-delusional,” and he’s screaming and screaming about how people “better not fucking put my girlfriend into exile against me” and I’m afraid he’s totally going to make it happen because, as Theo just said, he’s putting the idea into all of their heads. It’s like he’s totally using the Power of Saying Shit Out Loud, but he’s using it for evil.

It’s Deliberation Time. And everyone decided to let Wes have it. They voted Johanna and Jesse into exile. If I wanted to care about all of Wes’ drama I’d say that it’s almost Shakespearean—the whole lover-pitted-against-lover thing—but I don’t really want to give his drama that much weight (even though I’ve just written five pages about it). Why on earth is Wes still wearing those freakish tights???

Wes just said: “She’s not the brightest star.”

Tina just called him “downright dirty.”

And Johanna just said that she “loves herself more than [she] loves Wes” and if that's true then she had better beat him because she so deserves better than that freakazoid. Holly freakin’ crap.

(photo by autowitch via flickr)

Fresh Meat--episode 3--real actual LIVE blogging of the episode

This is the first time I'm actually live-blogging live. Does that make this New Thing #98, then?

Yes, it does. (Sorry, Lindsay Lindsay.) (But still--I promise that for every MTV-centric blog entry, I will publish at least 5 or 6 non-MTV-centric blog posts.) (I'm totally adding this note on the commercial right now. Is that cheating? To go back and add things after I've already posted chunks of the "live" blog? Does that make this NOT live?) (Whatever, it's live.)

I don't know if I can do this without pausing occasionally. (The last two times I "live-blogged" Fresh Meat, I was able to pause and rewind when I wanted to enjoy, oh, fuck, the show is back on, now I have to scroll to the ottom and keep "live-blogging." Oy!) ("ottom," ha.)

I've already missed so many things.

Tina is really mad. She has been doing this shit for years. I'm not sure if she should be so proud.

Oh, look, Melinda--you're talking to Danny on the phone. Remember how you said you were going to die because he was gone? Or, you said something like that. I don't usually notice boobs, but Melinda's boobs are, like, characters on this show.

Okay, um, in Melinda's testimonial, why does her hair look so bad?

Jesse is so gay. He's gay. He's totally gay.

Look at Coral's boobs. I'm all about the boobs tonight, apparently--or the cameramen are all about the boobs, because that shot of Coral just now was SO boob-centric.

I don't think I can do this without pausing. Everything moves too quickly. I am HUNGRY. I want chocolate. Okay, there's some sort of challenge that's happening right now, involving jail cells and eating some sort of slop.

Either Ryan/Melinda or Casey/Wes need to win this challenge if they don't want to go into exile, but I hope neither of them win because I want the Austen kids to have to pick each other off one by one and go home, home, home.

Tanya's team is going against Katie's team right now. I totally missed what TJ was saying about what the rules of this specific challenge are. I don't know what they're supposed to be doing. Um, this is such a trainwreck of a post.

Commercials are on. I'm going to publish what I've got. This is live, y'all!

More at the next commercial.

BACK:

Okay, apparently they are looking for keys in the slop, and they can only find the keys with their mouths and then they get out of the cells they're locked in and then they have to run, and Tanya just won the first round.

People are grodyied out (how do you spell grodyied?) about "eating out of Tanya's bowl." I don't know why they're so worried. I mean, after all of these years, they've all already eaten out of Tanya's bowl at least once or twice. (And when I say they've "eaten out of her bowl," I mean that they've "eaten her pussy.") (Because we're talking about Tanya here.)

Jesse and Johanna lost their key. That was a really dumb move. They were too busy thinking about Tanya's bowl. Jesse's kind of cocky. And gay. Very gay.

Okay, now Melinda and Ryan are eating out of Tanya's bowl, and Wes and Casey are eating out of other bowls, and Melinda and Ryan don't seem to have any problems eating out of Tanya's bowl and they won that round.

Poor Casey. "I've got the least athletic and least intelligent person as a partner" Wes just said.

WES, YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

Now Chanda is really upset. She doesn't want to eat out of ANYONE'S bowl, least of all Tanya's. They're worried about snot in the bowl, but they should be worried about a lot of other things in Tanya's bowl. Am I taking the "Tanya's bowl" thing too far?

OOOOOOOO GO DERRICK AND DIEM!!! Go! They did okay, I think they were in the other cell, not in Tanya's cell.

Coral and Evan appear to be falling in love. If that's not MTV foreplay, I don't know what MTV foreplay is. They are ALL OVER EACH OTHER and losing on purpose. Losing on purpose = love.

Okay, the challenge is over. Tonya and her partner got 2nd place. Apparently everyone else was SO worried about eating out of Tanya's bowl that they couldn't eat nearly as fast enough, except for Theo and Chanda, who were really worried about eating puke and shit, but not worried enough to not win. I am trying to type really fast. Fuck this is making me hungry. Seriously. Typing makes me hungry.

Okay, so Wes and Casey the Idiot (I feel bad that I just called her an idiot) (I just became Wes) (let me rephrase that--), okay, so Wes the Asshole Fuckwad and Casey the Sweety are now in Exile against Melinda and Ryan. I missed what the instructions were, again. Okay, commercials! Commercials mean I hit "publish," thereby making this "live." Here ya go.

Okay, I'm watching commercials right now. This has been really stressful. This "live" blogging thing. I think it's really funny that Lindsay Lindsay has already commented and that she got first because she HATES the MTV blog posts. And I love that Steve checked in to see if I was live-blogging it WHILE he was watching it. Or while he's watching it RIGHT NOW. This is LIVE, people. I'm housesitting, or dogsitting, rather. And I can't find ANY chocolate in the kitchen. I NEED SOME CHOCOLATE. Like, this craving for chocolate is really huge right now. This craving is, like, as big as Melinda's boobs.

Okay, so get this:

The following google searches brought people to my blog today:

1. vince vaughn's hand (conspiracy theorists, take note!)
2. mtv fresh meatovarian cancer (notice that "meatovarian" is one word)
3. johnnie and mtv and hot and fresh meat
4. real world fresh meat spoilers wins coral
5. mtv fresh meat spoilers
6. mtv fresh meat diem
7. bttf clock tower game
8. fresh meat diem
9. gilda radnor
10. jesse, fresh meat, gay
11. mtv fresh meatovarian cancerdiem
12. diem cyst
13. coral mtv naked
14. will forte spelling bee skit link
15. louis prima wrote
16. go pre shirt nike
17. fresh meat - mtv - diem
18. diem from fresh meat
19. derrick and diem
20. ryan mtv fresh meat
21. jesse, fresh meat
22. diem and derrick the challenge

Are people SUPER obsessed with Fresh Meat? Or am I the ONLY PERSON blogging about Fresh Meat and therefore the few people who are googling it are all coming to my site?

Oh, fuck, we're back from commercials:

la la la, okay, they are on a race and they have to do puzzles. I have to say that the "exile" portions of Fresh Meat are really lame. These races pretty much lack any drama. BORING.

'kay, Melinda and Ryan won the first "puzzle" and their prize was that they got to drop their bags, which they've been carrying with them and it looked like Ryan and Melinda would win but apparently they're supposed to have flags with them and they forgot their first flag or something.

Um, Casey just hocked (hawked?) the biggest loogie I have ever seen on television. I wanna be all "you can't do that on television," but apparently you can.

Okay, they aren't showing us the end of the challenge...wait, now they're cutting to the house...Wes and Casey won, of course, because Ryan and Melinda forgot their flag or whatever.

GOODBYE Melinda and Ryan. Arrivaderci, sayanaro, ciao. Melinda gets to go back to Danny, now. That's what she wants and it's what I want. Oh my god, this is boring, but I just remembered that Danny's partner, Ev, the cocky girl, remember her? I found her MySpace page and she and Danny are having a total fued on MySpace and it's really funny and I don't have the link to it right now but you should go find it. Everyone on this show is insane.

(except for Derrick)

What a lame blog post. I'm sorry, Lindsay Lindsay.

"Live-blogging" Fresh Meat Episode Two

Okay, so after I “live-blogged” the first episode of MTV’s Fresh Meat last week, a few people told me that I should “live-blog” every episode. The problem with trying to “live-blog” every episode is that, in order for the “live-blogging” to really be, like, timely, it should actually be done, like, “live,” which is why I keep putting the phrase “live-blogging” in quotes. Because Fresh Meat was on last night and I’m only now watching it for the first time. (Which should in no way reflect my feelings for this awesome show.) (I love this show so much.) (I’d marry it if I could.) (Or Derrick—I’d marry Derrick if I could.) (Obviously there are a lot of things standing in between me and Derrick getting married—not just the whole “gays can’t get married” thing, but the fact that Derrick isn’t gay.) (But whatever.) Anyway, here I am, a day late, “live-blogging” episode two of Fresh Meat.

So the episode opens with a couple beautiful shots of the Australian countryside…and now Derrick is walking down the road with his partner, Diem. If you don’t remember from last week’s preview, we saw Derrick’s partner Diem saying something about how she wanted to be as physical as possible now because she wasn’t sure how long she’d be able to do physical things…now I had some theories as to what she might have been alluding to, but here we go…she and Derrick are talking…and she has ovarian cancer, she’s laying it all out for Derrick…wow, okay…she’s making me cry…and so is he…jeez, louise…she had surgery THREE WEEKS AGO. They just removed one of her ovaries. And she’s still here…competing. I love her, she’s inspiring. I WANT HER TO WIN. And if I wasn’t in love with Derrick before (and I was, obviously), then I’m a goner now: he’s got the most heart of anyone who has ever appeared on MTV ever. I’m serious here.

I want to transcribe their whole opening dialogue. Just humor me. Maybe you don’t want to read it, but Derrick and Diem just became the team to beat in this competition (not because she has cancer and I feel sympathy—it’s not that at all—it’s the fact that she had surgery THREE WEEKS AGO and now she’s here for an adventure and she’s ready to fight everything that life throws her way and she’s inspiring) (and Derrick is a good, decent guy) (and he’s hot) (and so is she), and I have to transcribe their dialogue in this opening scene because I’m weird and obsessive.

So they’re walking down this beautiful Australian road…

DERRICK: Here’s the whole gist of it, right now, are you ready for this?
DIEM: I’m ready, go.
DERRICK: You’re the only person I can trust.

Cut to:

DERRICK TESTIMONIAL FOOTAGE: “I think it’s phenomenal that I have a partner to rely on, and one person to trust, and that’s Diem.”

Back with Derrick and Diem walking down the road:

DERRICK: Is there anything you’re afraid of?
DIEM: I have to say…I can’t believe I’m going to say this…well, I’ll say it. I had surgery…I had surgery a year ago. They removed a cyst, no problem. I had—three weeks ago—I had another cyst tumor, they had to remove an ovary, appendix, my lymph nodes…and I have ovarian cancer.

Insert slow-mo footage of Derrick and Diem walking, as this news sinks in. Then we cut to:

DIEM TESTIMONIAL FOOTAGE: “Four weeks ago, I started having some pains in my side and I actually had a surgery to remove a cyst on my ovary and then they…they found it.”

Back with Derrick and Diem on the Australian road:

DIEM: I’ve been through two treatments, one the day before I got here, I’m on the lower, lighter dose right now, and when I get back is when I go on the higher dose and I’ll lose my hair and all that…

Cut to:

DIEM TESTIMONIAL FOOTAGE: “I hate lying and I have a partnership with Derrick and I need to tell him what I’m going through to let him know, so that he understands that I’m not weak.”

Back with them on the road:

DIEM: I want to do this because I have another big battle after this…

Diem’s crying now:

DIEM TESTIMONIAL FOOTAGE: “And I want to do everything physical now because I’m not sure when I’m going to be able to do anything physical again.”

And back with them on the road:

DIEM: I’m not a negative person. I’m going to try everything as hard as I can.

And I’m crying now, as we cut to:

DERRICK TESTIMONIAL FOOTAGE: “This is way beyond a “Challenge.” Do you know what I’d feel like if I let this girl down? I’m going to give this girl everything I’ve got. 100 percent, 110 percent. Blood, sweat and tears. I’m gonna give her everything.”

And then back with them on the road, as they give each other a sideways hug and continue walking:

DERRICK: I’m happy you’re my partner.
DIEM: I’m happy you’re mine.

End transcription.

Okay, this is why I love Derrick. I feel like all of the other guys on this show would have reacted to Diem’s news, like, “damn, I got stuck with the cancer girl,” but Derrick’s not like that. I think he’s inspired by the fact that she’s here because she wants a physical challenge and I think he wants to be as strong as she is.

Back at the Fresh Meat house, all of the other Fresh Meaters are hanging around, drunk, and reading a random clue about tomorrow’s challenge. Now Jesse is saying that he’s “really nervous” because he’s partnered with one of the Austen cast members (who are universally despised by everyone else in the house) (because the Austen cast members are all basically douche bags), and I have a feeling that he’s going to be the next Fresh Meater to go home.

…everyone hates the Austen douche bags…this is apparently the main source of conflict in the house right now, so they keep stressing that plot point: everyone hates the Austen douche bags…(okay, okay, we get it)…

TJ Lavin, the host, is a total tool. He just is. I have nothing else to say about him except for the fact that he seems absolutely, completely uninterested in what he’s saying. Which is actually kind of entertaining.

Okay, it’s challenge time: One member of each team hangs upside down from this harness over the water while holding the other member of the team, who is dangling below them. Whoever gets the best time, wins. It might sound simple, but it looks VERY DIFFICULT.

Wes and Casey are the first team to compete, and once again Wes (who’s one of the Austen boys, remember) proves that he’s a jagoff asshole who has no idea how to inspire his teammate (poor Casey). These words actually just spewed out of Wes’ mouth: “Just hold on for dear life…I want to be the one who lets go…I am going to be REALLY MAD if you’re the one who let’s go.” Okay, maybe when you read those words they don’t sound that dickish, but I promise you when they came out of Wes’ mouth they sounded so incredibly dickish it’s out of control.

If I was competing in this challenge, I think I might (maybe) last for, like, 3 seconds.

Okay, frat boy Evan just tried to ask Wes for some advice on the challenge, and dickhead was like “why don’t I just get out a pen and a piece of paper and write out all of the ways that you can beat me.” And then Evan stared at him, like, what? And then the editors inserted the sound of crickets chirping, and that was a really brilliant dickish moment. Even though Wes is an ass, he makes for some entertaining Fresh Meatiness and I don’t want him to go home today. (If one of the Austen kids are going to go home, I think it should be Johanna because she’s boring and there’s no bigger sin on MTV than being boring.)

Melinda and Ryan did pretty well…
Johanna and Jesse did really sucky…
Darrell and Aviv lasted a long time…

Tanya’s watching. She’s crazy. She just remarked that “this is hard.”

Katie and Eric did really badly…
Tanya and Johnnie rocked it, until Tanya started to kick and of course Johnnie couldn’t hang on to her anymore because Tanya was flailing about.
Tina and Kenny sucked…
Shane and Lynette did freaking amazingly. (Is “amazingly” a word?) (I didn’t know that Shane was gay. Why didn’t I know that until just now?)

Derrick and Diem re about to go…okay, shit…I’m worried…I want them to do really well.

Um, who’s this Chanda girl? Apparently she’s Theo’s partner, but I’ve never seen her before. She just said something and that’s the first time I’ve ever heard her speak.

Uh-oh, Derrick has a really weird grip. TJ just said that he looks solid, but…oh, man…there she goes, Diem is in the water. Damnit, they didn’t last very long. Theo and Chanda lasted way longer than them.

Okay, the last team: Coral and Evan. Everyone’s watching them, like, “we hate how you’re dominating this competition and you’d better not fucking win again.”

The results:
11th place: Johanna and Jesse, 00:08
10th place: Katie and Eric, 00:10
9th place: Wes and Casey, 00:12
8th place: Tina and Kenny, 00:16
7th place: Tanya and Johnnie, 00:31
6th place: Darrell and Aviv, 00:34
5th place: Melinda and Ryan, 00:38
4th place: Derrick and Diem, 00:42 (okay, the way they edited this, I totally didn’t think that they had done this well) (awesome) (I mean, I wish they had won, but 4th is still pretty good) (it was a difficult challenge)
3rd place: Shane and Lynette, 00:43
2nd place: Theo and Chanda, 00:49.30
1st place: Coral and Evan, 00:49.72

I’m a fan of Coral, I think she’s pretty cool. But Evan is too cocky. He’s all “why are we even still playing the game, they should just give us the win.” Whatever, dude. You’re annoying. You’re no Derrick. Go home.

Because they won Coral and Evan get to pick one of the teams to go into exile. They’re obviously going to pick one of the Austen kids, which is fine by me. As long as Derrick and Diem are safe, I don’t care who goes home. Okay, they picked Melinda and Ryan.

Now the rest of the Fresh Meaters get to decide who is going into the exile against Melinda and Ryan…Wes is afraid that people are going to vote his girlfriend Johanna into exile, and he doesn’t want that to happen. He won’t let it happen. He’s all macho and manly and, like, “I’m not gonna let my girl go into exile, I’ll put myself there before letting people vote her into exile,” and I know he wants us to think he’s noble and shit, but we’re not buying it. He just said that he really thinks it’s cool that his partner Casey approves of his decision to put himself into exile (which means that Casey goes into exile too), but I think the reason Casey is okay with the thought of going into exile is because she (like the rest of us) cannot stand Wes and and she’s ready to go home.

Wes just asked everyone to vote himself into exile and everyone applauded his suicide plan and now Johanna is asking everyone if they realize that her boyfriend is willing to go home to save her…and…NOW SHE’S SOBBING and everyone’s looking at her, like, IT’S A GAME, WHY IN THE HELL ARE YOU CRYING? IF HE GOES HOME, YOU’LL SEE HIM AGAIN IN, LIKE, TWO WEEKS. Now everyone’s ignoring Johanna and they’re all honoring Wes’ wish to go into exile and thank god it’s still Austen cast member against Austen cast member because that means Derrick and Diem have that many more weeks before they might have to face exile.

If Ryan wasn’t gay, I have a feeling that Melinda would be all over him right now.

Okay, the episode is about to end, so the whole cast has gone out for some drinks, and we’re wrapping up with Diem and Derrick again…and I have to transcribe again…because I LOVE THEM BOTH on such an irrational level and I think they’re falling in love with each other and I want them to be happy and become the next Rob and Amber (i.e. the next reality TV love story) and I want them to get married on television.

Cut to:

DIEM TESTIMONIAL FOOTAGE: “If you have a positive outlook on anything, you’re able to heal yourself. And I think that my mindset right now is really positive and I want to prove to myself that I’m strong and I can do anything that anyone else can do.”

And we see Derrick and Diem flirting with each other…holding hands…talking close…looking into each others eyes…

And we cut to:

DERRICK TESTIMONIAL FOOTAGE: “I can’t help but be attracted to Diem. She’s beautiful both inside and out. The Challenge is one thing, but to be given the opportunity to make a difference in somebody’s life in this type of situation means so much more to me than just, like, that stuff that we call money.”

And then we end in a slow-mo of the two of them holding hands…like, close on their hands…and I am suddenly roped into this show even deeper than I was last week and it’s damn good TV and holly shit, I want Derrick and Diem to win, win, win.