Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Tales of a Substitute Nothing

The following is a verbatim transcription of a conversation that took place yesterday between me and some Freshman dude named James.

James walks into the class, looks at me.

JAMES: Are you our sub?

ME: Yep.

JAMES: (looking at the board) Your name’s Mr. Patterson?

ME: Yep.

JAMES: Did you know our real teacher’s name is Mr. Patterson?

ME: Yeah. I know. Freaky.

JAMES: Did anyone ever tell you that you look like—

ME: Don't say it—

JAMES: That actor, that guy—

ME: No, I don’t.

JAMES: The guy from Independance Day—

ME: Seriously. Don't say it—

JAMES: Jeff, uh—

ME: Dude. Stop.

JAMES: Bloomberg. Jeff Bloomberg.

ME: It’s Goldblum.

JAMES: Yeah, that’s it! You look like Jeff Goldblum.

And in my head I’m all “oh my freaking god” because I’ve been getting “you look like Jeff Goldblum” since 1993 and I’m so over it and I really wish Jeff Goldblum would do the decent thing and just, like, fade away into obscurity, or stop looking like me.

And then this girl Kylie is like:

KYLIE: Actually, I think you look like Vince Vaughnn.

And then, even though I think I look way more like Jeff Goldblum than like Vince Vaughnn, I turn to Kylie and I’m totally like:

ME: Thank you—Vince Vaughnn is way better than Jeff Goldblum.

KYLIE: I know.

And then this other girl, Danica, pipes in with:

DANICA: Actually, I think you look like my dentist, except my dentist has a bigger nose than you do.

ME: Um…

And then I put the kibosh on this conversation and shush everyone so I can take roll.

UPDATE: Hey, check out this pic I just found. It's me and me.


Doug said...

Jeff Goldblum? Really? Although I've only seen you in photos, you are far cuter than Jeff Goldblum, and from the photo I do see the Vince Vaughn thing. Um . . . am I first?

TheDarkerUma said...

one of the closest people to me in the world....

says i look like courtney cox.

fall head first

Erik said...

Doug, congrats on the first, and thanks for saying the VV thing and for not agreeing with the Jeff G. thing.

Erik said...

Urp, you DO look like Courtney Cox. Stop denying it.

large and deadly dragons go "ug"

christy said...

I still don't see Jeff Goldblum.

Or Vince Vaughn.

But Vince Vaughn is WAY better than Jeff Goldblum.

But I don't know whether Vince Vaughn is better or worse than that girl's dentist with the big nose.

I just did that picture analysis and it kept saying I looked like JD Fortune (okay there were a lot of very attractive females in the mix too, but those aren't funny.)

canadian dentists need dental drilling vouchers

Anonymous said...

This is so funny, especially the photo. I don't think you look like either of them, but I saw someone in a car today who looked just like you. It might have been Jeff Goldblum.

Love you.

Gina said...

I heart Vince. He's so money.

Is he wearing leggings in this photo?

I don't think you look like either guy. I think you look like Erik.

Except when you have your crazy mustache thing going on.

Then you look like a porn star who's name I can't quite put my finger on.

Erik said...

Christy, you TOTALLY look like JD Fortune!


JD Fortune is hot.

(oh, and check out my word verification word!)


jd rocks xenophobic telenovellas

Erik said...

PAM, I bet you DID see Jeff Goldblum. I've seen so many celebrities out in the world, but I don't think I've ever see Jeff Goldblum. I wonder if that means he and I are the same person?

Erik said...

Gina, that's funny--he totally looks like he's wearing leggings.

aimie said...


well, i think you look like a cross between gary oldman and tim roth.

and, that is damn hot. tell me you never had the rosencrantz and guildenstern fantasy. 'cause i continue to have it.

*** i tried to post a pic of them here and couldn't. but, go google an image of them and breathe it in... they are sexy and so are you, brown sugar***

i only get teri garr and carrie fisher myself. with an occasional nicole kidman (?#@$@#$?!?!?!!!).

Anonymous said...

I thought you smelled Jeff Goldblum's armpit?

And, by the way, you DO look like Vince Vaughan.

I keep forgetting to tell you that there is this part in Wedding Crashers and he really reminds me of you. It's when he's eating breakfast with Owen Wilson and he wants to leave (when he's saying he was unwillingly tied up and had his sweaty sock stuffed in his mouth and then the brother comes into his room with a painting...)

If you don't believe it, rent the movie. Any of you non-believers as well.


Bonnie said...

It's like you're their lovechild.