Thursday, August 31, 2006
Jenny wanted to know when we could start talking about last night's episode of Rockstar: Supernova. She didn't want to make any spoilerish comments. But I think it's okay to talk, those who watch the show have seen it by now.
a. I liked Ryan, but I was really happy with their decision to get rid of him. As soon as he climbed up on top of those speakers, I was like: "dude, you're a rockstar, you're not fucking Spiderman." I mean, the climbing on top of the piano bit actually worked for me (though I know Jenny thought it was too theatrical/contrived), but it really really really (times infinity) felt like a gimmick last night.
b. So America decided to slap Dilana for her behavior last week and put her in the bottom three. I think that's fine, I think she deserved a good slapping, and I wish her performance last night had been better. Psycho Killer wasn't the best song choice. But she still deserves to win this thing. Her performance of Mother, Mother was the best performance of the season. (I won't go so far as to agree with Dave and say it was the best performance of both seasons--I think that honor has to go to Suzie McNeil for her performance of Bohemian Rhapsody.)
c. Toby rocked and deserved the encore. No "evs" about it.
d. If Lukas wins this thing, I will be so disappointed. I couldn't understand a single mushy word he sang on the Supernova track. I kept rewinding my Tivo, going "huh? whuh?" and listening more closely, desperately trying to figure out what the lyrics were.
e. I know I'm gay and all, but I kinda have a crush on Storm Large.
f. Magni = boring and I have nothing to say about him. (What do you think about that, Jenny, huh? Huh?) (Oooooo, and Gina, you and Fi are big Magni fans too, aren't you?!? Well: slam!)
In a previous post, I used the phrase "rock out with your cock out," and then Adam posted a comment saying that Lindsay uses a variation of that phrase (hers is: "jam out with your clam out") and he suggested a contest to come up with more expressions in the vein of doing-something-wild-with-your-genitalia-to-express-a-"rock-on, dude"-attitude. His unofficial first submission was "do your thang with your wang."
Oh, and Adam's in Cambodia right now and he said he'd get a "t-shirt from Cambodia" for the winner. (Actually, now that I think about it, he might have been talking about something else when he said he would bring back a t-shirt from Cambodia, but I'm going to offer it up as the prize to this little contest anyway, and Adam can't say nothin' about it.)
So, to sum up:
--The original expression is "rock out with your cock out."
--Lindsay's variation is "jam out with your clam out."
--Adam's variation is "do your thang with your wang."
--The contest is to come up with more of these rocking genitalia-using phrases.
--Winner gets a t-shirt (maybe) and admiration and respect (definitely).
Whatcha, whatcha, whatcha got?
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
I didn't take any of the above photos. (Like I said, I only wish I had a camera in my head that could take pictures of my dreams, I don't actually have one.) So I should give some photo credit where photo credit is due:
1. "ferris wheel" by Stuart Yeates (flickr creative commons license)
2. Great Northern photo, found online, photographer unknown
3. It's A Wonderful Life photo, found online, photographer unknown
4. "Hollywood sign with Palm Tree by Solsonic (flickr creative commons license)
5. "Gondolas Venice Italy" by Maleny Steve (flickr creative commons license)
6. "signs" by estherase (flickr creative commons license)
7. People walking toward bus c. 1960s, found online, photographer unknown
8. "Knowledge" by drp (flickr creative commons license)
9. "Cobblestone Street to the Brooklyn Bridge" by Bob Jagendorf (flickr creative commons license)
10. "Rollerskating (33) by stateroadyouth (flickr creative commons license)
11. "reflection on water" by ilferro_ud (flickr creative commons license)
12. Family Ties photo, found online, photographer unknown
13. "hol" by 7-how-7 (flickr creative commons license)
14. "Lamb and Flag Passage" by kk+ (flickr creative commons license)
15. "bjork-4" by mediaeater (flickr creative commons license)
16. "petulant punk" by adrian2006 (flickr creative commons license)
17. "Palais de Papes, Avignon" by Piero Sierra (flickr creative commons license)
18. "It's cold outside" by annafdd (flickr creative commons license)
19. swimmer photo, found online, photographer unknown
20. "rowers" by captainmcdan (flickr creative commons license)
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
I'm kinda obsessed with this show and I just finished watching tonight's episode and Dilana, Toby, and Ryan blew me away (whereas Lukas, Magni, and Storm didn't) and I don't want my three favorites to be in the bottom three so I'm fixated right now and I'm just voting, voting, voting, and I thought, "hey, maybe I can enlist more people to vote with me."
Not that you really even care about Rockstar if you don't watch it, but go do a little voting for me! It doesn't take long to do and Dilana, Toby, and Ryan need your votes! (I AM SUCH A GEEK.)
UPDATE: if you need a reason to vote for them, or want to know a little about them...
--Dilana has an amazing stage presence and an unbelievable voice and she can fucking rock with her cock out one minute and then the next minute she can give it to you really tender and sweet (what's that Tina Turner quote? "we're gonna start out slow and easy and then we're gonna get nice and hard..." Is that the quote? whatever--that's what Dilana's like.)
--Toby is also really commanding onstage and he's sexy as hell (amazing Australian accent) and he puts on a killer show.
--Ryan used to be really boring, but something happened (he claims he got laid, but I think one day he woke up and realized he was alive) and now I think he's captivating onstage.
--Lukas mumbles all of his words onstage and even though I'll admit he has presence and some sort of undeniable "je ne sais quoi," I don't buy him when he's onstage. I feel like he's faking it half the time and that's the last vibe you wanna get from the lead singer of a band.
--Magni has a huge fanbase, but I just don't get it. He doesn't do it for me.
--Storm is a rock star. I love Storm. But she didn't quite do it for me this week, and ultimately I don't think she's the right fit for Supernova. (However, I think she could have a great solo career, and I would totally pay to see her in concert.)
(SEE, I SAID I WAS A DORK AND THEN I PROVED IT BY COMING BACK TO THIS POST TO UPDATE IT AND TELL YOU WHY YOU NEED TO VOTE EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T WATCH THE SHOW AND YOU DON'T CARE.) (Okay, now I need to stop writing this blog post so I can go vote over and over and over again for the next hour or so.) (Voting stops at around 2am.)
Monday, August 28, 2006
New Thing #129: I went to the Sunset Junction for the first time. (You could argue that this is a lie because, in truth, I HAVE been to the Sunset Junction before--twice--but both previous Sunset Junction outings were about 30 minutes long and I didn't really "do" the junction, whereas yesterday I was there for, like, six hours, and dem junctions was done up. For the first real time.)
New Thing #130: I met fellow LA playwright and blogger, Kyle, of Frank's Wild Lunch (we hadn't started taking pictures yet, so I didn't get a picture of him) (but I read his blog every day--love it--and was so excited to meet him), and I was a total dork (the "dork" part isn't new, just the part about meeting Kyle) because I saw him and totally recognized him immediately and in my head I was like, "oh my god it's kyle from frank's wild lunch!" and then he saw me and recognized me (this all happened very quickly and very simultaneously) and then I walked up to him and we hugged a hello and then I started having this (minor) anxiety attack because people kept making faces at me about the t-shirt I was wearing and saying things about my shirt (which I will explain in a few paragraphs) and while Kyle and I were in the middle of our hello hug, my brain started to race and I was like, "wait, what if this ISN'T kyle, what if this man was just trying to say something about my shirt and then I suddenly mauled him with this suddenly very inappropriate hug" and then the hug broke apart and I looked at Kyle and I was like, "what's your name?" And Kyle's friends looked at me, like, "why did this random guy just come over here and hug Kyle and then ask Kyle what his name was?" And then Kyle said "Kyle" and I sighed, happy that I was right, that, yes, this WAS kyle, but then embarrassed that I'd doubted myself and had this funny/awkward moment.
New Thing #131: I danced with a really drugged-up, strange, lovely woman (like no one was watching). (Pictured) (I'm not taking the time to put these by the correct pictures, because I have to grab some dinner before my writing group, but, you know, it's one of these pictures.) (She was on so many drugs.) (Oh, wait, it's the picture above this paragraph, I guess I am paying attention, sort of.)
New Thing #132: I spent an entire day wearing a shirt with a picture of my own face on it. Several people kept saying to me, "there's a picture of your face on your shirt," and finally I was like (and I forget who I said this to), "is that really weird?" And they were like, "it's weird," and then they paused and said: "but it's good weird." The shirt (again, it's pictured in one of these pictures, not sure which one, cuz I ain't looking for it right now) was a belated birthday gift from my brother Josh (who I still have not given a birthday gift to, and his birthday was a week before mine, and Josh: I have not forgotten! You will get a gift when you least expect it, i.e. the next time I show up at your house at one in the morning, randomly), he made the shirt, it has a freeze-frame image from the youtube video we made together (which, if you haven't seen it, you can see it here: ERIK MAKES A BANANA, aka I MAKE BANANAS) and underneath the picture it says "I make bananas" and it's the coolest shirt in the whole wide world, I love it so much, and I don't think it's weird to wear a shirt that has a picture of your own face on it as long as the words "I make bananas" are written underneath the picture.
Oh, but wait, I just want to point out that in one of these pictures, I'm smiling and it looks like I have a really dirty front tooth, but I DON'T HAVE A REALLY DIRTY FRONT TOOTH. That's actually a bunch my incredibly long mustache hairs bunching up in front of my not-dirty front tooth.
This is a really odd assortment of photos, but that's the thing about the Sunset Junction: it's fucking odd, but it's also kinda fucking beautiful. (You know, all of the wonderful east side freaks of Los Angeles coming out for hot dogs, popcorn, music, beer, bears, and carny games.)
Their show BACK TO THE PRESENT plays in New York at Dance Theater Workshop from 21st to 23rd of September (www.dtw.org)
And it plays in Minneapolis at Walker´s Arts from 28th to 30th of October (www.walkerart.org)
And it play in Seattle at On the Boards from the 8th to 10th of October (www.ontheboards.org)
My friend Jared (pictured) is in the show (which these pictures are from) and the Dorky Parksters are all rock stars in Europe and I recently got the chance to see one of their shows on videotape and it blew me away (which is saying something because watching theater on tape is never the same--the whole time I was watching I was yearning to be sitting in that audience, seeing the spectacle for real) and if you're in the above cities at the same time as Dorky Park, you've GOTTA go see them, and report back to me, because I'm bummed I'll miss the show. (Come to LA, Dorky Park!)
Saturday, August 26, 2006
If you haven't been following along from the start:
Part One: (clink me)
Part Two: (clink me)
Part Three: (clink me)
Anyway, I just saw this photo and I wanted to enter it into evidence. The hand is featured prominently. Check it out:
The weird thing about the photo is that...um...doesn't the hand look kinda disembodied???
Like it's straight outta Evil Dead or something, RIGHT? So maybe THAT'S the answer! The hand in the original Jennifer Aniston photo WAS scott caan's hand, but the reason it didn't look like it belonged to him was that IT WASN'T ATTACHED TO HIS ARM WHEN THE FUCKING FREAKING PHOTO WAS TAKEN!?!?!!!?!!!!!
Finally an answer to the Jennifer Aniston's Third Hand Photo Question that makes sense.
Friday, August 25, 2006
So, if you want to either feel really stupid or just a little bit smart (and I say "just a little," because if you ace it all you've really proven is that you have a third grader's knowledge of US geography) (so it's not like passing this test is passing the MENSA test), then take this test. Be ready before you clink! As soon as you hit "play," the timer starts counting down and you only have about 60 seconds to complete the test!
Let me know how you do. (Oh, and in the interest of full disclosure, the first time I took the test, I got a really bad score--something like 20 out of 48--but I blame some of that on the fact that I didn't realize how quick the timer was counting down and so I wasn't exactly rushing and I simply ran out of time.) (Whereas the second time I took the test I got 35, and then the third time I took the test I got a solid 48 out of 48, and then I just took it again several hours later to make sure I'd retained the information and I got 48 out of 48 again, so, you know, thank god.)
CLINK ME WHEN YOU'RE READY TO PLAY
Shit, this is the first new thing I've done in forfuckingever.
New Thing #128: I learned the geography of the United States of America.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Jenny suggested starting a Rockstar blogger pool, and I'm game. I'm curious. Are any of my readers watching the show? Who are you rooting for?
Only vote if you're actually watching the show! (that's me being anal) (I want my poll to reflect truth) (so maybe it'll just be me and Jenny voting) (oh, and I'll just go ahead and say that if Dilana doesn't win, I want Toby to win) (Toby has PRESENCE) (i love him) (he gets sexier every week) (Dilana and Toby are the remaining rockers who I would pay to see perform)
(and if you're a new My Year of New Things reader who has come here googling "Gilbey Clark" or "Tommy Lee" or "Jason Newsted" or "Storm Large" or "Lukas Rossi" or "Ryan Star" or "Dilana Robichaux" or "Zayra Alvarez" or "Magni Ásgeirsson" or "Patrice Pike" or "Toby Rand" or "Mark Burnett" or "Rockstar: Supernova" or whatever, feel free to vote in the poll!) (that last paranthetical statement was me trying my darndest to manipulate google and get more Rockstar: Supernova fans to come to this poll via google) (I am not ashamed) (I just drank some awesome Thai iced tea) (the thai iced tea comment has NOTHING to do with Rockstar: Supernova, but evs, you know?)
(oh, and doesn't it kinda look like it's an alien descending on the planet earth in these photos?)
The LA Weekly's "GO" review of THE DOGWALKER:
"The sort of movie that you’d see on Lifetime if that channel actually respected its viewers’ taste and intelligence, Jacques Thelemaque’s feature directorial debut has been kicking around the festival circuit for five years, and now finally comes to theaters in a leaner cut that jettisons an extraneous subplot to get to the core of its human story. Battered wife Ellie (Diane Gaidry) escapes her life via a flight to Los Angeles, where she rapidly loses everything, but then meets cranky ex-con Betsy (the late Pamela Gordon, who’d be Oscar-worthy if the Academy ever considered truly independent movies), who needs help maintaining her dog-walking business and sees a kind of kindred spirit in the beaten-down transplant. Their ever-changing relationship is the heart of the movie, yet it’s also a larger allegory for the way Los Angeles can beat people down and the means they find to survive and even triumph regardless. You don’t have to love dogs to get it. (Music Hall) (Luke Y. Thompson)"
Check it out.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Thank you John, Paul, Ringo, and last, but never least, George. Here they are singing Let It Be: (oh, and check out John's beard! it almost makes me miss mine!) (i said almost)
Three other things that helped get me the fuck outta my funk (if i ever write a self-help book, i want it to be called Get The Fuck Outta Your Funk):
1. This AMAZING rockstar dance video by OK GO, which has definitely made the rounds (BonBon first brought it to my attention, and then Sheila raved about it), but I have to post it myself as well because if, by any chance, you HAVEN'T seen it, well, YOU FUCKING HAVE TO WATCH THE HELL OUT OF THIS. Seriously. I dare you to watch this without breaking out into a big goofy grin. It's impossible. The time, the commitment, the brilliance, the energy, the love: it's all there. Watch it. Watch it again. And then watch it again. (I did.) Enjoy:
2. The fact the Derrick and Diem are doing so well on MTV's Fresh Meat. (How sad is it that reality television has the power to affect my mood so much?)
(The clip below is not from Fresh Meat. It's from one of the previous Real World/Road Rules challenges, but I just found it on youtube and I'd never seen it before and it kinda made me love Derrick even more.) (Because as awesome and rockstar as he is, I think he's really a dork at heart, which makes him even more rockstar.) (Or maybe he's just a drunk.) (But I still love him.)
3. and TJ Wilk, the hottest manny on the planet (just looking at these photos of him helps keep me out of my funk):
Monday, August 21, 2006
Okay, so I know that for the last three months or so, I've been, like, "Snakes on a Plane this" and "Snakes on a Plane that," or, maybe I haven't really talked about the movie very much on my blog, but I've definitely been anticipating the hell out of it and talking about it a lot IRL (in real life) (erik, if you're going to go ahead and explain that "IRL" means "in real life" then why don't you just say "in real life" in the first place?) (because I didn't, okay) (anyway) (now I'm talking to myself) (do you ever think about your sanity and how fragile it might be?) (whenever i see some obviously crazy person walking down the street gesticulating wildly and talking to themselves, I wonder if that person was a non-crazy one day and then something snapped and the next day they were crazy?) (and then i worry that maybe i'll just snap like that one of these days) (but then i remind myself that crazy people never think they're crazy so i take solace in the very fact that i'm questioning my sanity and its fragility) (what the fuck am i even talking about right now?) (i guess i've just been thinking a lot about this rollercoaster we call life [oh my god i can't believe i just typed the phrase "this rollercoaster we call life"] [that's the worst phrase in the history of this paragraph] and the subjectivity of sanity) (now i can't believe i just typed the phrase "the subjectivity of sanity") (these parantheticals are really having their way with me tonight) (sorry) (I WAS FUCKING TALKING ABOUT SNAKES ON A MUTHAFUCKING PLANE) (which I haven't seen yet, despite the fact that I've been hyping it for what feels like hundreds of weeks) and I actually went to the movies over the weekend, but instead of seeing Snakes (and instead of seeing Step Up, which i'm also PSYCHED to see) (and also instead of seeing Material Girls, which looks kinda awesome in an after-I-see-it-I'll-be-fully-prepared-to-argue-with-you-that-it's-better-than-The-Godfather-even-though-I-haven't-seen-it-yet-I-just-have-that-much-faith-in-it kind of way), I went to see Oliver Stone's World Trade Center, and I just have to say that I wish he'd gone the controversial route, but instead he told a very straightforward story that, yes, made me cry about ten times, but lacked the kind of cinematic chutzpah you expect when going to an Oliver Stone film, if that makes any sense.
What a terribly awkward run-on sentence. Anyway, my point is that you probably already saw Snakes on a Plane, so if you're planning on going to the movies this upcoming weekend (and who isn't) (I'm putting my salesman hat on now, which is why i said "and who isn't," but stay with me here) then you should go see The Dogwalker, which opens at the Laemmle Music Hall in Los Angeles on Friday, August 25th. (I think it's also opening in other select cities, but I don't have that info, so check your local listings.) (Check me out: "check your local listings") (I sound like I've done this before) (okay, I guess I have)
The Dogwalker stars Pamela Gordon, who was a fucking Los Angeles theater rockstar. I got to know Pamela's voice really well before I actually met her. Of course, I knew her from her various film and tv gigs (chief among them her role as Wyatt's mother on fucking Weird Science) (I loved Weird Science) (I mean, it's hard not to love all of those John Hughes movies, and I absolutely loved Sixteen Candles and Breakfast Club, too, but I have to admit that when I first saw those movies I was a little too young to fully appreciate them--I was still in elementary school, so I kinda looked up to those movies as harbingers of things to come, and then, years later, I fully FULLY appreciated their genius--but with Weird Science, well...with Weird Science, I was fucking there. I mean, like, I knew what it felt like to be a total dweeb geekazoid--I identified, big time--and even though Kelly Lebrock wasn't necessarily my dream babe, I admired the fact that she knew how to take these two scrawny wimpazoids and turn them into Men with a capital M.) (So, yeah, I loved Weird Science.) (AND PAMELA FUCKING PLAYED WYATT'S MOTHER, did I mention that already?) (So, yeah: Pamela Gordon was already a rockstar in my book before I even met her), but before I got to know Pamela, I listened to her voice every night for seven weeks.
In 2000, the summer after I graduated from college, I was working on XXX Love Act at the Actors' Gang as the Stage Manager and Assistant Director (to be honest, I didn't really do any assistant directing, but director Mark Seldis was nice enough to give me the title, so I'll lay claim to it) and we needed someone to record a couple answering machine messages as sound cues. Mark asked Pamela to do it. Pamela had this amazing, deep, throaty voice. I wasn't there when they recorded the cues, but I was there every night when we played the sound cues, so I became very well acquainted with her voice, and then, one night, I was standing outside the theater and I heard her. I remember that very distinctly: I didn't see her first, I heard her voice first, and then I turned and there she was: Pamela fucking Gordon, in the flesh.
Anyway, I'm just trying to tell you that Pamela has always been a bit of an icon in my eyes, and if you knew her work, she would probably be an icon in yours as well.) (Oh, and sidenote upon sidenote: I didn't actually meet Pamela that night when she came to see XXX Love Act. If you want to read the story of how I met Pamela, CLINK HERE)
Pamela died in 2003 (stop smoking, people), shortly after filming her first starring role in a movie (which happened to be, yes, The Dogwalker). I have a feeling she woulda starred in many more films had she been around longer. Do yerself a favor and go check out her movie. I saw it at the Newport Beach Film Festival a couple of years ago and loved it. Pamela is great in it, as always. Go check out the movie. GO. (I'm serious here, GO.) The preview is below.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
(Also, in light of the google search scandal from a couple weeks back, when an anonymous list of google searches released by AOL and Google for research purposes was tracked back to an elderly woman in Georgia, who had to be like, "yep, those are my searches," and then there was a little hullabaloo of people being upset that their searches might also be released and tracked back to them, well, hell: no need to track my searches the fuck back to me, I'll tell you what I've been searching myself.)
(this is just a random sampling of searches)
(all of the links are clinkable, if you feel like following my searches yo'self)
24 hour rush
a hairy site
a strange sight
Amazing race chip screencaps
an inconvenient truth website plant a tree
America's cup Frozen yogurt
beachwood canyon for rent
beachwood canyon guest house
beachwood canyone one bedroom
ben lee best of
ben lee song about claire danes
bit torrent download
blog make donations
bring it on imdb
british american drama academy
cassie alex degrassi
chip arndt bulge
Chip arndt naked
chip arndt sexy
chip arndt underwear
chip arndt wet
country where you wipe with your hands bathroom
country where you wipe with your hands toilet
crazy Elisabeth Hasselbeck
daniel cartier naked
Eric Bruskotter starship
Erik Patterson gay
gay LA bloggers
girl struck by lightning
Gnarles barkley crazy lyrics
Gonzo song I'm going to go back there someday
hot dog the movie
joey and caitlin
John Tucker must die soundtrack
kaike and mateus carrieri
lightning arm tattoo
London cheap tickets
make a picture into a silhouette
manny degrassi abortion
marshmallow cool whip chips recipe
new play grants
Paris Hilton vagina perez
rupert everett starbucks
sheila variations dogfight lily
snakes on a plane reviews
toby naked rockstar
women midlife crisis
Friday, August 18, 2006
Strip #1 is Mandy Freund and me.
Strip #2 is Brigid Ryan and me.
Strip #3 is Aimie Billon and me.
We all had various "themes" going in each strip, but I don't feel like explaining our "themes" right now and I think it's kinda funner (i know it's not a real word) to just let your imagination roam free and decide for your self what our themes are, you know?
Thursday, August 17, 2006
A lot of people (including me) are expecting this movie to be so bad that it's good. Of course, it could be just good enough that it's bad. Or it could be so good that it's terrible. Or it could be so fucking horrendously bad that it's amazing. (I'm hoping for that last sentence to be an accurate description.)
Regardless, however good it is, nothing could stop me from seeing it this weekend. Are you going? You totally should. Let's make this mortherfuicking (wow, I just looked up at the strange man sitting next to me at this coffeeshop and then looked back down at my screen and I love that bad spelling) (mortherfuicking is the new motherfucking) movie the #1 movie over the weekend! Dorks rule!
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Why can't 14 year olds apply for MTV's Made?
I feel bad that this kid came to my blog looking for an answer to this (very important) question, only to leave my blog empty handed (in a matter of words). (And when I say it's very important, I'm not being sarcastic or ironic.) (I truly feel for this 14 year old kid, because any kid who wants to be on Made is a good kid in my book.) (Seriously--I love the show.) (Interestingly enough, I don't think I've ever written about the show on my blog, but still the search found me.) (It's like it was destined for me.) (If you aren't familiar with the show, each episode follows a high school aged kid [who must apparently be older than 14] as they try to get "made" into someone they aren't but wish they could be, i.e. the geeky girl wants to get made into the Prom Queen, or the princessy girl wants to get made into a Skater Chick, or the white boy wants to be made into a rapper, etc., and then MTV provides them with Made Coaches who help these kids achieve these seemingly impossible dreams, and sometimes the kids achieve them, and sometimes the kids don't, and it's fascinating and it's really a kind of hopeful show because the kid featured in each episode usually learns how difficult it is to achieve many of your dreams but that they ARE attainable if you work at it, if you persist, if you don't give up, and then by the end of each episode the kids featured usually have this amazing sense of accomplishment because they actually have pulled something off that a lot of other people thought would be impossible. It's an inspiring show. I admit that I'm a sucker for a lot of things, but I think that this is one reality show that isn't only about entertainment, but that also does some greater good.) (So that's what the show is.)
So. Hey, random 14-year-old. Yeah, I'm talking to you. The one who googled "why can't 14-year-olds apply for MTV's MADE?" I did some research for you because I WANT YOU TO APPLY. And guess what I found out? YOU CAN. According to MTV's website, you can apply to be on Made "if you appear to be between 15 and 21." The operative word in that sentence (and if you've been slacking off in English class, I mean the fucking most important word in that sentence) is "appear." Meaning you don't really have to be 15! You can be 14 as long as you look older, and even if you don't, well, all you have to do to apply is send in a videotape "[explaining] what your goal is, why you think you can make it, and why you need [MTV] to help you reinvent yourself. Also mention if you know when your goal can be achieved (tryout date/audition?)" and then MTV will "give you the tools to pursue your dream - the coach, the trainer, the tutor, whatever - and you'll do the rest." What I'm trying to say is that even if you don't freaking look 15 yet, then pour your heart into that videotape and maybe they'll look beyond your youthful appearance and see your heart and your dream and your goal and they'll see that spark, that fire, and they'll want to help you get Made?!? You never know. It never hurts to try. The answer might be no, but hell: it might be yes too. And if you don't send in a tape, well, then there ain't no might about it: the answer is no. So make a kick ass tape and send it in!
I really hope that you google your question again and come back to my blog because my blog now has an answer for you. Anyway, good luck, kid.
My favorite episode of Made is the one where the band girl wants to become Prom Queen and no one thinks she's going to get it because she's a freaking band girl, and then this rumor starts spreading around campus that she's planning on building her prom dress herself out of duct tape, and the rumor happens to be true, and she's staying up late every night making this EPIC dress out of DUCT TAPE, and it looks like it's not going to come together because she still has homework to do and she still has to find a date and she still has to try to convince the school to vote for her when no one knows her, and then flashforward to Prom Night: we see her in her DUCT TAPE PROM DRESS for the first time and...it's freaking amazing. Like, the coolest dress in the history of dresses. And she made it! Which makes her even cooler than the dress. And the dress is really cool. So she's, like, hecka cool, or hella cool, or wicked cool, or totally cool, depending on which region of the United States you live in. And then the other kids at school--who have been dissing her because she's a duct tape freak--when they see her in her afreakingmazing dress, they can't help it: they have to admit it's fucking cool. Because it is and you're a big ol' liar if you say it isn't. And you can, like, feel the high school tides turning in her direction. I mean, this girl is the kind of girl who is a supreme dork in high school but then by the time she goes to college she's one of the coolest kids on campus, but that tide is shifting earlier than it usually does in these stories, and then she gets crowned Prom Queen, and she gets the boy, and they dance, and YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP.
I wonder what this random 14-year-old kid anonymously google-search-landing on my blog wants to get Made into? Is it a boy? A girl?
Do they want to (and the following examples are all suggestions from MTV's website) win Class President? Land A Role In The Spring Musical? Ask Someone Special To A School Dance? Be Crowned Prom King Or Queen? Learn How to Ice Skate? Gain Confidence To Meet Their Pen Pal/Online Friend In Person? Reignite An Old Romance? Make A Spring Sports Team? Join The Dance Team? Lose Weight? Complete A Triathlon? Help A Friend Achieve Their Goal? Learn To Box? Well, whatever they want to do, I want to know!
When I was 14, I wanted to be made into an Academy Award Winning Actor. (Yeah, I'm pretty sure MTV would have turned down my application--because unless the Academy Award was made out of duct tape, I think that dream would have been a little bit difficult for them to help me accomplish.)
What I want to know is, why can't 29-year-olds apply to be on MTV's MADE? Huh, MTV? What about that? I mean, okay, I understand that the show wouldn't be quite as interesting if it was 29-year-olds. The teen crowd is much more dramatic than my age group, especially when it comes to Reinventing Yourself Despite The Fact That All Of Your Peers Want You To Stay In the Box They've Already Got You In (i.e. basketcases are not princesses are not jocks are not criminals are not brains).
But if you (MTV) ever decide to produce a one-off "older person" episode of Made, well, would you consider making me into a boxer? (I hella promise you that would be SO dramatic. First of all, my Made coach would have to teach me how to take a punch without letting out a high-pitched scream.)
Or you could make me into an autobiographical comic book artist! (This would be a big challenge!) (I can't draw to save my life!) (but ever since I saw the movie American Splendor, I've desperately wanted my own comic book, and, actually, this is one thing that I think I might be able to make without your help, MTV. Because I don't really need to illustrate the thing--I could just write it and then get someone else to illustrate it.) (Harvey Pekar is a god.) (okay, so I'm putting this on my List Of Things To Do Without MTV's Help and I'm going to think of other things to get Made into) (as I was typing that last sentence, I got worried that it sounded snarky, and if you, MTV, really are reading this, I just want you to know that I don't really have a snarky bone in my body and I'm SO not being snarky right now--I truly love Made, and I'm sitting here at my computer letting myself succumb to the fantasy of you actually producing an "older person" version of Made and how rockstar that would be).
Or you could make me into a circus clown. (This was a fantasy of mine way back in the day.) (I was THIS CLOSE to applying for Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Clown College.) (What stopped me?) (I had my application all filled out and everything when I heard that the school was closing down for a period of time while they restructured--this was years ago--but if they hadn't closed down that year, I wonder how different my life would be right now? Would I have gotten into the program? Would I have gone? Would I have been any good at it? Would I be on the road right now, with a whole bunch of frogs and dogs and bears and chickens and whatevers.) (I understand that there aren't very many frogs and dogs and chickens in the traveling circuss, but if you get the reference to "frogs and dogs and bears and chickens," you win a prize.) (The reference is totally random and I don't even know why I put it there, because it has absolutely nothing to do with what I'm talking about right now.) (anyway)
Okay, so: MTV, if you ever read this, feel free to help Make me into either a boxer, an autobiographical comic book artist, or a circus clown. Thank you very much.
I guess maybe I sometimes have an unhealthy relationship with great character actors (because I love good actors and I watch my favorite movies over and over again and you fall in love with certain characters and blah blah, etc., etc.) and I've probably seen When Harry Met Sally at least a dozen times, and I also loved Bruno Kirby in City Slickers, and I I kinda feel like I lost a distant cousin. He just seemed like a great man, and he was the kind of actor who could get away with playing that guy who's such a schmuck you just want to slap him but then a moment later he kinda melts your heart and you want to give him a hug. You know what I mean? Like, I love the main romance in When Harry Met Sally, but the romance between Bruno Kirby's character and Carrie Fisher's character is just as important to that film. It wouldn't work without him.
So I just wanted to take a moment and toast Bruno Kirby, who died way too young. Send out some love to his family.