Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Answers to the quiz

1. Erik has never broken a limb. THIS IS TRUE. KNOCK ON WOOD. (Though, I’ll admit, when I was a kid, I used to wish that I would break my arm—not only so that I could get everyone to sign my cast and feel popular, but also so that I’d have an excuse to sit out of P.E.) (But now I’m not so worried about being popular and I don’t have anything I want to get out of, so a broken arm would suck.)

2. Erik has read Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment three times in his life. THIS IS TRUE. (Crime and Punishment is my favorite book ever. I love it. It’s so good. I need to read it again soon.) (You should read it if you haven’t.) (It looks daunting, but it is so juicy.) (And you get used to the funny Russian names, believe me.) (It will make you want to call all of your friends by their last and middle names, then by their middle names only, then by their last names, then by their first and middle names, and then by their last and first names, all in the same conversation.)

3. Erik once performed a monologue on the Globe stage in London. THIS IS TRUE. (I was studying at the British American Drama Academy in London and our Shakespeare class was taught by Michael Maloney) (who just happens to be the coolest person in the world) (we all had crushes on him) (even the straight boys had crushes on him) (because he was just too cool)

4. Erik once threw up on the ceiling of my kitchen. (I think it’s funny how so much of the grammar in this post doesn’t match. It’s all hinky because I originally wrote the quiz in the first person, but then I went back and put it in the third person because it felt more like a quiz that way, but I missed a bunch of random possessives.) (So you get statements like “Erik once threw up on the ceiling of my kitchen.” Whose kitchen exactly is that???) (Well, as it turns out, THIS IS TRUE, and it was my mother’s kitchen and after I threw up all over the kitchen and the cupboards and the ceiling, I went to Magic Mountain for a school field trip and my mom had to clean up the mess.) (Sorry, mom.) (The vomit was so vociferous because I’d just had a bowl of cereal with bad milk and your body lets you know when you’ve had bad milk, and it lets you know fast.) (I was so Linda Blair from The Exorcist.)

5. Ian McKellen once told Erik he looks scandanavian. (THIS IS TRUE.) (This was in 1999, it was the last year my Step-Grandmother and I crashed the Golden Globes, we ended up standing next to Ian McKellen at the valet line waiting for our cars together. I told Ian that I was in rehearsals for a college production of Ibsen’s Enemy of the People and that I was playing the same role he had recently finished playing at the Ahmanson and his face lit up and he said “That’s perfect! You look so Scandanavian!” And then we proceeded to talk about the play for fifteen minutes and he could not have been a nicer person.)

6. Erik (still) owns every Garbage Pail Kid ever made. (THIS IS TRUE.) (I was obsessed.) (I have them in plastic sheafs and binders.) (I remember the first time I saw a Garbage Pail Kid, this kid showed me some in the back row of the school bus on the way to 2nd grade and I remember the cards felt simultaneously dirty and sacred. I knew they would have a profound influence on my life.) (I spent the next several years searching out every single individual card at garage sales and swap-meets until the cards were discontinued, as if God was saying, “enough already, Erik needs to move on with his life.”)

7. Erik looks like Jeff Goldblum. (THIS IS AN OPINION.) (And I have nothing else to say about it that hasn’t been said already.) (Except that I like to refer to him as Jeff Bloomberg.)

8. Erik had three pet rabbits as a child. Each one was named Blackie. (THIS IS TRUE.) (All three of the rabbits were black, hence their names.) (Blackie #1 ran away, Blackie #2 ran away, and Blackie #3 was abandoned in a park after we got a dog and no longer needed a rabbit to make up for the fact that we didn’t have a dog.) (We were horrible people for abandoning Blackie #3 in the park, but still we did it.)

9. Erik had three pet goldfish as a child. Each one was named Freddie. (THIS IS ALSO TRUE.) (I was a really unoriginal namer of pets.)

10. Susan Sarandon once told Erik he was "sweet" and that she was "a tart." (THIS IS TRUE.) (It was a 4th of July party, we were standing at the desert table, I had served myself a piece of chocolate pie and she had served herself a piece of apple tart. We both eyed each other’s deserts and she asked me, “are you thinking what I’m thinking?” And then I said, “what are you thinking?” And then she said, “maybe I’d rather have what you’re having?” And I said “yeah, that’s what I was thinking,” even though I was really thinking “Susan Sarandon is talking to me about desert, oh my god Susan Sarandon is talking to me,” and then she said, “wanna share?” And I said, “sure,” and we each had a bite of each other’s deserts and she said “I’m happier with my pie” and I said “me too” and then she said “you know what that means, don’t you?” And I said, “what?” And then she said, “it means that you’re sweeter than I am and that I’m more of a tart than you are.”) (True story.)

11. Erik got hit in the head with a baseball bat when he was twelve. (THIS IS TRUE.) (Afterwards, I had a bump the size of a golf ball and my eyebrow got stuck to an icepack and peeled off of my face.)

12. Two years ago, Erik sold his entire comic book collection (over 2,000 comic books) for 300 buckaroonies. (Sadly, THIS IS TRUE.) (I rented a booth at a comic book convention and only sold about 50 comic books all day. At the end of the day, someone from another booth offered to buy my whole lot. I was desperate for cash at the time and my comic books had received very little interest all day, so I sold them.) (All in all I made a total of 300 bucks.)

13. Erik once inadvertantly started a mini fued between Amy Irving and Kate Capshaw (Mrs. Speilberg #1 and Mrs. Speilberg #2, respectively). (This is a really long story, a story for another day, but it is TRUE, TRUE, TRUE.)

14. Erik has been to a straight porno movie theater in Venice, Italy. (WAY TRUE.) (Major vagina.)

15. Erik played a paramedic on ER. His scene was with Dr. Greene. (I suppose you could argue that this isn’t totally true, since I didn’t actually have any lines of dialogue, but I was in the scene with Dr. Greene and I was wearing a paramedic’s uniform and I improvised a little bit of action involving me and a telephone and I was clearly visible in the final cut, so, yeah, even though I was an extra, THIS IS TRUE.)

16. Erik applied to Barnum and Bailey's Clown College, but was not accepted. (THIS IS TRUE.) (I had big dreams.) (I still have big dreams, they just don't include cramming into little cars anymore.)

17. The first concert Erik ever went to was Weird Al Yankovic. (SO, SO TRUE.) (He was AMAZING in concert.)

18. The second concert Erik ever went to was Elvira. (Also SO, SO TRUE, and also AMAZING.) (Have you seen that movie she made in the early 90's? Elvira Mistress of the Dark? My childhood friend Katie and I once rented that movie and kept it for so long [watching it over and over and over] that when we finally returned it, about a month late, we were in big trouble with Katie's mom, who had been the original renter.) (We would watch that movie and howl.) (I cannot bear to watch it as an adult, though, because I'm sure it will prove to be awful and then all of my memories of watching it over and over will be tainted.)

19. The Real World/Road Rules Challenge TV shows are the best shows to have ever been on television ever. (You might argue that this is an OPINION, and I’ll give you credit if you said this was an opinion, so as not to inspire any wrath, but in reality, THIS IS TRUE.)

20. Erik has gotten two parking tickets this month. (Sadly, oh too TRUE.)

21. Erik can sing every lyric to every song in Into the Woods. (I didn’t know that this was still TRUE until a few weeks ago when I was eating dinner at Mi Casa with Jesse and we were talking about beans and suddenly the Witch’s bean song started to rumble around my head and I started singing it and the whole musical just came rushing back to me.) (“Beans, beans, the magic beans! I let him go, I didn’t know he’d stolen my beans. I was watching him crawl back over the wall and then bang! Crash! The lightning flashed! And, well, that’s another story nevermind anyway…”) (I could go on, but I won’t.) (I am a dork.)

22. When Erik was a kid, he had a copy of The Complete Guide to I Love Lucy sitting next to his television set, as well as a highlighter, and every time he saw a new episode of I Love Lucy he would highlight the episode in the book so that he would know when he had seen every single episode. (THIS IS TRUE.) (How could this NOT be true?) (I want to have an I Love Lucy marathon one of these days soon. I haven’t sat down and watched a block of I Love Lucy in years.) (Years!)

23. This one time, Erik broke into the Psycho house on the Universal backlot and he stood in the Janet Leigh shower. Naked. (THIS IS TRUE, too.) (Aimie, you thought this was a trick question, BUT I WAS NAKED.)

24. Erik subscribes to Entertainment Weekly, US Weekly, and The Week. (THIS IS TRUE.)

25. Erik knows the root of pi to the twentieth decimal. (THIS IS FALSE.) (Our first false statement!) (Urp, do you know the root of pi to the twentieth decimal? Because if I know anyone who does, it would be you.)

26. Erik saw Dude, Where's My Car in the movie theater SEVEN TIMES. (I love this movie.) (It’s so bad but so, so good.) (Love it.) (TRUE.)

27. Erik did not learn how to swim until he was ten. (THIS IS TRUE.)

28. Erik was born eight weeks premature. (THIS IS TRUE.) (I was supposed to be born in October, I wonder how that would have made me different?) (Because I bet I would have grown up to be a very different person.)

29. Erik celebrated his third birthday at McDonald's. (I have pictures, proof, TRUE.)

30. During elementary school, Erik had braced for two years, then he wore a retainer for two years, and then he had to wear braces AGAIN for two fucking more years. (The typo “Erik had braced” was merely a typo and not intended to throw anyone off.) (One of the most horrible moments of my childhood was when I went to the dentist to hand in my retainer, thinking I was done with ortodonty, and the doctor said that it was “time for phase two” and they were going to put the braces back on.) (Fuck you, Mr. Dentist.) (TRUE.)

31. Michael J. Fox is a hunk. (I will not give you credit if you said this was an OPINION. This is not an opinion. This is gospel. THIS IS TRUE.)

32. Lindsay and Bonnie, Erik received your prize Cambodian shirts in the mail (thank you Adam!) and he needs to make plans with you so that he can give them to you! (this is true) (I already said THIS IS TRUE and I wasn’t lying.)

33. Erik once pretended to be a bird with Will Ferrell. (We were in a play together a couple of years before he got the SNL gig and THIS IS TRUE, we played a large bird in one of the scenes. I was the bird’s head and Will was my right wing.)

34. Erik's favorite restaurant in the whole entire world is Wagamama's in London. (Holy fuck, I’m salivating right now just thinking about Wagamama’s. This is so TRUE.)

35. Erik thought he was allergic to chalk until he was fourteen, but in reality touching chalk just kinda gives him the chills (but chills do not an allergy make). (Yeah, I guess I’m a freak, this is TRUE.)

36. Chocolate chip omelettes are good. (Not an opinion. Fact. TRUE.)

37. Erik love The View. (I do love The View and I’m not afraid to admit it.) (I also love the missing “s” in this statement.) (“Erik love The View” is very poetic in a Rosie way.) (TRUE.)

38. Erik have a secret tattoo that he hasn't told anyone about. On his left hipbone. (I suppose this was a trick question, but it is FALSE. My tattoo is not secret, and I’ve told lots of people about it, and it’s on my right hipbone.)

39. Erik has never been to Mexico. (THIS IS TRUE, how weird is that?) (Even though Mexico’s only a couple of hours away.) (I never even went to Tijuana in high school to get drunk or cheap hookers or anything.)

40. This one time, Erik met Matthew Perry at a bar and told him he thought Perry was funny on Friends and Perry gave him a quick look and said "and I think you've got a great shirt" and then walked away from Erik. And Erik's shirt totally was not great. So Erik thinks Perry was being ironic. (THIS IS TRUE and I don’t really have anything to add to this story other than what I already said.)

41. Erik can juggle. (Well, I’m not good enough to juggle knives and bowling balls, but I’m good enough to say THIS IS TRUE.)

42. Erik can bowl a 150 game. (This is beyond FALSE. Oh my god, I am the worst bowler. I love bowling and I’ve got style on the lanes, but I’m lucky if I get over 50 points.)

43. Erik was once in a minor fender bender with Lara Flynn Boyle on Hollywood Blvd. (just past Tamarind) (Totally FALSE.) (However I did meet her once and our conversation was akin to a car crash.)

44. Erik has had sex at Disneyland. (Unfortunately, as much as I wish I had a great story here, this is FALSE.)

45. Erik is legally blind. (My vision is 20/400, which means that if you have perfect vision and you can see something 400 feet away, then I have to be twenty feet away to see it.) (Or something like that.) (It also means that my vision is really bad, bad in fact that it qualifies as legally blind.) (Therefore, THIS IS TRUE.) (Hence my glasses.)

46. Erik knows how to surf. (I wish.) (FALSE.)

47. Erik only does crossword puzzles in ink. (THIS IS TRUE.) (I used to do crossword puzzles all the time with my step-grandmother on my step-mom’s side.) (This isn’t the step-grandmother who I used to crash the Golden Globes with, this is the other one.) (And she taught me to only use ink, a practice I’ve never strayed from.)

48. Erik owns a unicycle. (THIS IS TRUE.) (My dad gave it to me for my birthday back when I was trying to get into Barnum and Bailey’s clown college.) (However, I’ve never been able to ride it.) (It’s reeeeeeally difficult.)

49. Eric Dane (McSteamy) is really freaking hot. (I know some people assumed this was an OPINION, and I’ll give you credit if that’s the answer you gave, but it’s wrong.) (THIS IS TRUE.)

50. Erik once slow danced with a nun. (This one time I slow danced to Radiohead’s Creep with a lesbian punk, but alas, I’ve never danced with a nun, slow or otherwise.) (So, THIS IS FALSE.)


Anonymous said...

You miss a blog for one measley day . . .
And why wouldn't the clown college take you?
I mean, you look like Jeff Goldenstein and you can juggle--what else do you need?

Jesse said...

24. Erik subscribes to Entertainment Weekly, US Weekly, and The Week. (THIS IS TRUE.)

??? You paid for it? and it comes to your house where you live? and it's in your name???

This is so false.

And who won?

Anonymous said...

Michael J. Fox...forever a hunk...and a good writer surprisingly...and I've read A LOT of memoirs! McSteamy...nah, not compared to McDreamy, sorry.

Erik said...

Jeremy, I suppose that question is sort of a trick question. I sent in my application and then I got a letter from them saying they were closing the school temporarily to restructure or something like that, and to apply again next year, which I didn't do, so I didn't get denied for any real reason other than the fact that the school wasn't going to be open that year. It was sad.

Oh, and Jeff Goldenstein--ha!

Erik said...

Jesse, it is TRUE. All three subscriptions were gifts and they're all in my name. US and The Week come to my house, and Entertainment Weekly goes to my brothers' house because my brother Josh likes to read it to, so I pick up my Entertainment Weeklys whenever I see them, which is why I'm usually behind on my EW reading. But it says MY NAME on the little subscription bar.

Erik said...

I: I've never read his memoir! Is it really good? It's on my "to read" list. I'm about a third into reading YOUR book...I had to stop because I need to finish a draft of the play I'm working on, but I'm loving it so far...And I'm sorry but McSteamy is hotter than McDreamy.

Erik said...

Oh, and JESSE: I haven't had time to grade the quizzes, but I will grade them later today.

Anonymous said...

It's so sweet that you think Blackie #1 and #2 ran away.

For the record, I believe the eyebrow that fell off is in an envelope somewhere and could still be reattached if you are still walking around feeling like you lost a limb.

Thank you for acknowledging my role in the projectile vomit story. It was one hell of a mess.

And I believe you were born early for a good reason--you were in a hurry to get out cause you had a lot of reality TV to catch up on, not to mention a lot to offer the world. Getting here early probably explains why you always need to sleep late and can't stand to be late. I hope sometime you will share some of your photos from the premie Intensive Care Unit so your readers will see how beat up you looked when you came into this world and what a fighter you are.

Love you,

Erik said...

"Blackie #1 and Blackie #2 DIDN'T run away?!?!?!?????


Anonymous said...

so much juicy goodness...
lindsay lindsay

drc said...

I hate to disagree with Erk the Brave, but MJF is NOT a hunk. Eeeewww. Sorry, but that is definitely an opinion.

aimie said...

i am so good, it hurts!

1. we NEED to hear the spielberg wives story. we NEED to.
2. and, lucy marathon sooooon!!!! i actually was given a dvd set of "the lucy show" which i didn't watch religiously growing up but think would be interesting... did you know that "i love lucy" was one of those really rare instances in my life when i thought i hated something so completely and wholly until i realized i loved it with an ache and couldn't live without it? in fact, the only other thing i can think of that falls into that category is mayo.
3. you WERE naked?! wow. an ommission in my memory. i am correcting that file as i type.

PAM: i loved your timing explanation for erik. absolutely true to the point. and, funny, t'boot!

Erik said...

drc, I gave you a point for that one, but I respectfully disagree with you.

MJF IS A HUNK. He was back in the day, and he's still a hunk for keepin' up the good fight.

Erik said...

AIMS: Have you never heard the Speilberg wives story!??! Ohhhh, that's a good story, but I feel like it's a better story heard than read. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'll write it up. It's just long. (As if writing long blog entries was something I never did.)

Wow, I can't believe you ever hated I Love Lucy. That's crazy. I'm so glad you finally came around because it really is one of the most brilliant pieces of entertainment ever and it still holds up completely. (Unlike most of the other sitcoms I grew up loving.)

And yes, Naked I was.

Erik said...

Mom, I didn't reply to your other comments because I was still in shock about your Blackie #1 and #2 revelation.

I've always wondered what happened to the eyebrow envelope (labeled "eyebrow"). Do you think it still exists somewhere? I always figured it was lost, gone forever.

And I think your analysis of my time thing is apt.

Love you too,

Anonymous said...

Erik, my recollection is that Michael J. Fox's memoir was really, really good...but at the time I was on a memoir-reading blitz and had just finished a really, really bad one...which was Peggy Lipton's book "Breathing Out." Great title, but that's where it ends...and that was with the help of a supposed real writer. (Hopefully no one reading this will know or be that person!) Anyway, Michael's book was great to me though my opinion may have been tainted...and to my knowledge there was NO additional writer involved. (It's occurring to me that you might have no idea who Peggy Lipton is since Mod Squad was way before your time. Damn, I'm old! Anyway, she was on the Mod Squad and used to be married to Quincy Jones.)

Anonymous said...

Oh, and one more thing...I so need to hear the Mrs. Spielbergs story!!!!

communicatrix said...

I love this post!

I would totally do a Lucy marathon w/ you. Or Dragnet, if you like that. But you probably like Lucy better.

Anonymous said...

For the record, we didn't do in Blackie #1 or #2. They escaped from the cage and ran into some predators in our back yard. Sorry you're in shock about this. Guess it's all part of being a grownup.

This seems an appropriate time to let people know you were practically pubescent before you gave up on Santa Claus.

I think a know a place to look for the eyebrow. Can't imagine I would have thrown that away.


Anonymous said...

A friend and I are attempting to crash the 2009 Golden Globes, and it looks like you have some experience in that area! Would you be willing to share some tips? If so, email me at