Thursday, July 05, 2007

interview with Rachel Kann, author of "10 for everything"

Okay, so I've been trying to figure out what I want to do with this little corner of the internet that I've carved out for myself with "My Year of New Things," and the plan right now is to forge forward without a plan and to post whatever I wanna post, which I suppose is what I've always been doing. So enough ado about that, and on with the show:

My very good friend Rachel Kann recently had her first collection of fiction published: "10 for everything." If you saw either of my recent productions at Theatre of NOTE--Yellow Flesh/Alabaster Rose, or Red Light, Green Light--you'll remember Rachel from her L.A. Weekly Award winning performance as Rose (pictured below, with Alan Loayza):

She's written a beautiful book and I've been trying to figure out how I could help spread the word (you can purchase a copy of her book here), and I ended up doing an interview with Rachel this morning over IMs. The interview is long and rambly and hopefully entertaining. Enjoy!


Erik (10:28:54 AM): can i just start this interview by saying how much i love your book?
Erik (10:29:01 AM): LOVE IT
Rachel (10:29:16 AM): of course. because i love compliments as much as you love my book!
Rachel (10:29:22 AM): THANK YOU
Erik (10:29:35 AM): i feel like a total fanboy right now, talking to one of my idols. seriously.
Rachel (10:29:47 AM): that seriously means so much because there are very VERY few writers i admire as much as you
Rachel (10:29:59 AM): this is a fucking circle jerk
Erik (10:30:06 AM): i know, okay, starting the interview for real.
Rachel (10:30:16 AM): ok
Erik (10:32:21 AM): but I want to start the interview with a couple more circle jerky “i love you” things that i just have to say
Erik (10:32:26 AM): Beginning:
Rachel (10:32:32 AM): ok
Erik (10:33:09 AM): I'm so impressed by how effortlessly (from my pov) you've transitioned from poetry to fiction. your stories are still so poetic, but they have such a strong narrative drive too.
Erik (10:33:23 AM): Reminds me of writers like toni morrison and sandra cisneros
Rachel (10:33:32 AM): thanks so much
Rachel (10:33:45 AM): that is ridiculously flattering.
Erik (10:34:16 AM): but true. when did you start writing fiction? have you been doing it on the downlow forever, or did you start with these stories?
Rachel (10:35:58 AM): its very very recent. its been exactly one and a half years since i wrote my first short story
(barring high school creative writing class)the first short story i ever wrote is "disappearing".here's how it all happened:
Rachel (10:36:35 AM): i received a community access scholarship from PEN West to take 3 classes at UCLA extension.
Rachel (10:36:55 AM): I have never taken any writing classes before that!
Erik (10:37:02 AM): (that's crazy!)
Rachel (10:37:12 AM): you have to take the classes one trimester at a time, 3 in a row
Rachel (10:38:00 AM): (i could never afford the luxury of a writing class...believe me, it wasn't by choice! in college, i did not even know i wanted to write yet!)
Rachel (10:38:33 AM): ok, so FIRST...i took poetry class...i figured i should...being that i had already been a poet for like, 10 freaking years!
Rachel (10:39:28 AM): it was a great experience...but when it came to register for class number 2, i started thinking...hmm...this is a great opportunity to try something NEW...and my new year's resolution was to do things that scared the crap out of me, as long as there was no clear and present danger
Rachel (10:39:43 AM): not unlike "my year of new things"!
Erik (10:40:17 AM): (hey, it's ain't a bad resolution. we should all keep doing things we're afraid of. it's the only way to grow.)
Rachel (10:40:28 AM): so...i have always LOVED reading fiction, esp short stories, but had been terrified of writing just seemed so LONG
Rachel (10:40:45 AM): (its the best resolution ever! are u kidding??)
Rachel (10:40:59 AM): and dialogue scared the crap out of me too
Rachel (10:41:09 AM): so i decided to take a short story class next
Rachel (10:41:14 AM): and dig this...
Rachel (10:41:39 AM): i hadn't read any of the teachers stuff yet at UCLA ex who were teaching that semester
Rachel (10:41:55 AM): so i started trolling around the sites and blogs of the teachers
Rachel (10:42:06 AM): and i found....tod goldberg
Rachel (10:42:19 AM): who had a special section of his blog called...
Rachel (10:42:25 AM): wait for it...
Rachel (10:42:32 AM): JEWS EATING PORK
Rachel (10:42:37 AM): it's amazing
Erik (10:42:34 AM): brilliant
Erik (10:42:35 AM): so YOU
Rachel (10:43:04 AM): its all pics of jew friends of his caught in the act, pics of them with ribs and bacon and shit
Rachel (10:43:12 AM): i signed up immediately
Erik (10:43:12 AM): i was just gonna ask if it was literally what it says it is
Rachel (10:43:37 AM): and then when i got there, to his class, i realized he was a total rock star
Erik (10:43:34 AM): are there a pic of you on his site now??? of you eating pork??? (and what are you eating?)
Rachel (10:44:09 AM): there were people there on the waiting list and all these hot girls dressed all cute working that angle, and it was like, an advanced class i had lied to get into
Rachel (10:44:51 AM): (i have not yet had the opportunity to eat pork with tod while he had a camera...a girl can dream...)
Rachel (10:44:55 AM): anyway
Erik (10:45:07 AM): (yes, anyway, enough about pork, back to the topic)
Rachel (10:45:16 AM): so after the first night of class, i was like "dude, i think i might be outta my league"
Rachel (10:45:44 AM): and i totally fessed up that i had never written fiction before
Rachel (10:45:55 AM): and lied to get in his class
Rachel (10:46:09 AM): and he was like, "no stay in class, just let me know if u need help"
Rachel (10:46:21 AM): and he was amazing, and totally supportive, and HILARIOUS
Rachel (10:46:54 AM): and by the way, i finally read his work, and i can not recommend his short story collection "simplify" highly enough
Rachel (10:47:04 AM): it is hilarious and dark and twisted
Rachel (10:47:15 AM): so yeah, anyway
Rachel (10:47:43 AM): it was in his class that i wrote "disappearing" which is in "10 for everything"
Rachel (10:48:20 AM): why did i decide to write my first short story ever in 2nd person? because i am like that!
Rachel (10:48:39 AM): i have centered a lot of my work around breaking rules. it’s so fun.
Rachel (10:50:38 AM): and then that story won a james kirkwood award last year from UCLA. it was nominated by Rob Roberge, my next short story teacher, who Tod recommended i study with next, and is also AMAZING and i can not stay enough good things about. He also is dark and twisted and people should check out "More Than They Could Chew" by him. It’s great.
Erik (10:51:15 AM): re: your comment about writing it in 2nd person--what's wonderful about your voice in that story is that it's almost like the narrator is URGING Nita (the story's protagonist) into action
Rachel (10:51:38 AM): So luckily i had these two amazing supportive teachers in a row, who got my sensibilties, and i think it is good karma, a re-balancing from all the asinine teacgers i have previously had in my life, growing up in san luis obispo
Rachel (10:52:11 AM): yes. i really liked it. for me, it was a distancing technique that helped me feel less vulnerable.
Rachel (10:53:02 AM): coming from poetry, writing in the "i" as someone else felt alarming. like i kept wanting to put disclaimers saying "i didn't really DO this, its just made-up fiction, everyone!"
Erik (10:53:08 AM): ha
Rachel (10:53:31 AM): so it was a nice way to ease myself in...and feel contrarian and punk rock for breaking a rule
Rachel (10:54:07 AM): so yeah, nearly ALL the stories, except a very few were written in tod or rob classes
Erik (10:54:36 AM): that must have felt strange to wrap yourself in someone else's skin after writing poetry for so long and being so intensely PERSONAL in your writing.
Rachel (10:54:55 AM): it felt AMAZING
Rachel (10:55:07 AM): especially writing in first person as a man
Erik (10:55:26 AM): not that the short stories aren't personal, but to go from the "i" to all of these different of the things i love about the book so much is that you really DO capture all of these different voices so well. ESPECIALLY the men
Rachel (10:56:07 AM): the second story i ever wrote, also in tod's class was "the historian" and i will say this...i definitely always thought poetry had to be the most therapeutic form of writing
Rachel (10:56:13 AM): NO FUCKING way
Rachel (10:56:19 AM): fiction, baby
Rachel (10:56:37 AM): getting in someone's head and trying to figure out what makes them tick
Rachel (10:56:41 AM): it’s great
Rachel (10:56:48 AM): i thought of you often
Rachel (10:57:01 AM): as you are one of my favorite playwrights ever
Erik (10:57:13 AM): THANK YOU, but this interview is not about me
Rachel (10:57:22 AM): and creating a character in your head, giving them dialogue, and then hearing someone else speak it
Rachel (10:57:27 AM): crazy!
Rachel (10:57:32 AM): brilliant
Erik (10:58:30 AM): but back to the thing about it being therapeutic, it totally IS because you get to use and abuse all of your relationships, everything that you don't GET or UNDERSTAND about the people you love, you can put it into fiction, and then it isn't them anymore, but you can still work through the shit you have with them
Erik (10:58:34 AM): if that makes any sense
Rachel(10:59:12 AM): of course it makes perfect sense
Rachel (11:00:04 AM): something i always did as a poet was kind of dissociate myself while writing a highly personal thing and then a few years LATER be like, yeah, that was my shit
Rachel (11:00:12 AM): or DO as a poet
Rachel (11:00:24 AM): i know i am doing it, it just helps
Rachel (11:00:28 AM): but FICTION
Rachel (11:00:35 AM): i can just make it ALL up
Rachel (11:00:57 AM): because the emotional kernel is the same. we all go through the same shit, ya know?
Erik (11:00:55 AM): yes, you have that freedom
Rachel (11:01:08 AM): i love it
Erik (11:01:07 AM): yes, you start with the emotional kernel and then you can just dig in
Erik (11:01:09 AM): That day when we had lunch at the 101 and you showed me your book for the first time, when I read a few of your stories out loud, it was exciting because you have a natural ear for dialogue--and i think that comes from all of your years as a spoken word poet. the dialogue feels like how people speak. it IS how people speak.
Rachel (11:01:41 AM): it's wild how terrified i was of writing dialogue for so long
Erik (11:01:46 AM): Have you performed any of these stories? Have you read them at shows?
Rachel (11:02:10 AM): hearing people read my dialogue aloud is orgasmically fun. it’s the best thing ever.
Rachel (11:02:19 AM): yes! here is how that started.
Rachel (11:02:40 AM): a year and a few months ago, i had a show at beyond baroque at about 7pm.
Rachel (11:03:40 AM): i was at a bbq, and a lil' buzzed, and totally forgot i had a show! i remembered and got there in time, but as i do my poetry memorized, that just did not seem like the best idea. and i had some of my short stories in the car with me from class.
Rachel (11:03:49 AM): and i just said "fuck it"
Rachel (11:03:55 AM): and read some fiction
Rachel (11:04:08 AM): and it went over great, and i really enjoyed it
Rachel (11:04:12 AM): and...
Rachel (11:04:15 AM): AND
Rachel (11:04:31 AM): an angel in my life, miss julia bemiss, was in the audience.
Rachel (11:06:18 AM): and she really enjoyed it. and she told marie lecrivain, also an angel in my life, who happens to be from Sybaritic Press, and she came to a bunch of my next shows, and after seeing me read like, 6 stories or so, at show after show, offered me a book deal! so that is how "10 for everything" came to be. so thank goodness i got buzzed and read short stories aloud.
Erik (11:06:40 AM): thank goodness for alcohol!
Erik (11:06:44 AM): speaking of which...
Erik (11:06:53 AM): (you'll appreciate this segue)
Erik (11:07:27 AM): i've noticed (and you've mentioned to me) that every story in your book has a "featured alcholic beverage," if you will
Rachel (11:07:50 AM):'s crazy!
Erik (11:07:47 AM): which i think is so funny
Rachel (11:07:56 AM): very nice segue
Rachel (11:08:01 AM): me too!
Rachel (11:08:24 AM): especially because i really don't drink, like, hardly at all! but my characters sure do!
Erik (11:08:26 AM): and then I was listening to Pretty Talk earlier today (one of my favorite poems of yours) and i noticed the "bacardi, ramone, and coke" reference
Rachel (11:08:39 AM): and you will appreciate THIS segue
Rachel (11:08:58 AM): its bacardi LIMON
Rachel (11:09:02 AM): hahahahahahah
Erik (11:09:06 AM): see, i am SUCH a bad drinker
Rachel (11:09:12 AM): please keep this ALL in
Erik (11:09:15 AM): i've always thought that you said RAMONE
Rachel (11:09:21 AM): this has to stay in the interview
Erik (11:09:25 AM): and I thought that was some sort of alcohol
Erik (11:09:27 AM): I SWEAR
Rachel (11:09:38 AM): hahahahahahaah
Erik (11:09:54 AM): i thought it was three beverages, Bacardi, Ramone, and Coke
Erik (11:10:02 AM): thank god i've never tried to order it!
Rachel (11:12:56 AM): anyway, yeah, my characters often drink. and so i was thinking for the book release, i wanted it to be able to feature all the booze from the story. and a bar seemed too hectic for drinking i am having a massive book release backyard party at my friend jen swain's beautiful yard, and we will have southern comfort and sunkist, bacardi wine coolers, sangria, etc etc...all the story drinks will be there. its gonna be august 4th, and people should check for upcoming deets about that as they get firmed up. but its definitely august 4th, its definitely gonna be a blast, its definitely gonna be hours long with lots of music and bands and fun.
Erik (11:15:04 AM): ok, that's brilliant, i will totally be there, and i'll probably get drunk off my ass. i wanted to ask you if that was a conscious thing, the drink references? A lot of the characters in your stories are trying NOT to be vulnerable, or to let the cracks in their armor show...and we all kind of revert to our truest, basest selves when we i think it's perfect that you've explored the moments when these people end up at their emotionally weakest/vulnerable.
Rachel (11:18:35 AM): yes. it was totally not intentional...but it's how my fucked up characters get vulnerable. you got it. not always, but often enough! i drank like FISH in high school, and pretty much got it out of my system then. thank god. and i also bartended and cocktail waitressed for years. so its part of my consciousness. p.s. there will air mattresses in the yard at the party so people can rest and sober up before they drive. HOLLER! JEN SWAIN ROCKS! i also want to give props to eric from the band idiot brother who will be playing at the party and planning the event with me and jen.
Erik (11:19:13 AM): speaking of high school...
Rachel (11:19:26 AM): hahahaha
Erik (11:19:40 AM): what was it like growing up in san luis obispo and how did it influence you as a writer?
Rachel (11:20:24 AM): growing up in san luis obispo was stifling to say the least
Rachel (11:20:39 AM): i can appreciate it now for its beauty etc
Rachel (11:20:43 AM): and i had fun
Rachel (11:20:48 AM): but shit man
Erik (11:21:04 AM): you had to fucking get out
Rachel (11:21:18 AM): let's just in small towns are WAY more out of control than in normal towns
Rachel (11:21:24 AM): and also
Rachel (11:21:35 AM): here are some highlights that make my point
Rachel (11:22:26 AM): i got kicked out of honors science my freshman year, because my teacher and i got in a fight about whether life could exist on other planets. and the fucker brought up GOD
Rachel (11:23:03 AM): the football team at my school spit on the AIDS quilt when it came to visit our school, at their coaches behest
Erik (11:23:11 AM): holy crap
Rachel (11:23:16 AM): i used to have swastikas carved in my desk
Rachel (11:23:23 AM): etc etc etc
Rachel (11:23:28 AM): hahaha
Erik (11:23:36 AM): like i said, you had to fucking get out
Erik (11:23:49 AM): AND you totally just made this interview so depressing.
Rachel (11:24:02 AM): i recommend "i want to be a cowboy" by the vandals for anyone who would like to know the archetype of people i grew up around
Rachel (11:24:11 AM): haha fuck u
Rachel (11:24:16 AM): it was awesome
Rachel (11:24:22 AM): i was this bizarre mix
Rachel (11:24:52 AM): i would be in like, doc martens and striped knee highs with black eyeliner and an ice-t t-shirt
Erik (11:25:13 AM): brilliant image
Rachel (11:25:21 AM): but make no mistake, i was making out with the hot open minded football players under the bleachers
Rachel (11:26:01 AM): i had my little crew. specifically, me and heathie and biff, these three goth girls. me with my hip hop twist
Erik (11:26:08 AM): see, i would have traded you newport beach for san luis obispo in a heartbeat if it meant i could have made out with the hot open minded football players under the bleachers
Rachel (11:26:23 AM): HOLLER!
Erik (11:27:04 AM): we would have totally been friends in high school. were you a theater geek back then, too?
Rachel (11:27:17 AM): OF COURSE!
Rachel (11:27:39 AM): i was desperately searching for fags to hag onto, and that is where they are!
Rachel (11:28:18 AM): i was actually already producing crazy variety shows in the theatre, which was really just 2 classrooms with the wall knocked down between them
Rachel (11:29:24 AM): i would put on drag pieces. i remember a particularly glorious drag cinderella piece. and would do raunchy shit from lysistrata, and just be like..."but its classical theatre!"
Rachel (11:29:41 AM): i was SUCH a faghag from such a young age.
Erik (11:29:45 AM): nice, SO san luis subversive
Rachel (11:30:02 AM): i was raised by a wonderful faghag mother, and started taking dance at 3.

Rachel (11:30:58 AM): my parents, who grew up in ny, would scour the city for anyone of any other ethnicity, any gay people, anything non-christian, and make friends with them so we could be around them
Erik (11:31:12 AM): i love your parents
Rachel (11:31:28 AM): yes, my parents are the shit
Erik (11:31:35 AM): okay, so you were producing shows back then, but you weren't writing yet. when did you start writing poetry? you said you didn't start writing until after college, right? was that when you were living in New York?
Rachel (11:33:27 AM): yes. i was really just producing so i could act, and see 14 yr old boys do cinderella in drag. make no mistake.
Rachel (11:34:42 AM): i started writing in nyc. i was at a jesus christ superstar audition and met amy steinberg, who became a dear friend, and she straight up nagged me into writing poetry. she spent a year telling me i had the weirdest way with words, and telling me to write some poems. and eventually i did.
Erik (11:35:16 AM): Thank you, Amy Steinberg
Rachel (11:35:45 AM): i know. that is a true angelic blessing as well. right?
Erik (11:35:54 AM): YES. Okay, there's totally no segue here, but I want to get back to your book.
Rachel (11:36:09 AM): word
Erik (11:36:12 AM): Can we talk about your story "therapy" for a minute?
Rachel (11:36:45 AM): of course. in fact, after this interview i am on my way to teach some incarcerated girls.
Erik (11:37:38 AM): for anyone reading this who hasn't read rachel's book (and what are you waiting for, go buy it!), "therapy" is told from the pov of a sixteen-year-old pregnant juvie girl, and i was blown away by it
Rachel (11:38:20 AM): thank u
Erik (11:39:21 AM): it's so raw and true and i know you have a lot of experience teaching juvie girls--it's obvious, because i don't think that's a voice that can just be "made up," you have to have some experience there--have you shown that story to any of the girls you teach?
Rachel (11:39:52 AM): no no no
Rachel (11:40:18 AM): it just would not be terms of the rules i am forced to follow by the non-profits i work for.
Rachel (11:40:30 AM): it’s too bad. i would love to know what they think
Erik (11:41:00 AM): that makes sense. can you talk about your teaching experience with them?
Rachel (11:41:07 AM): i am not even allowed to curse, or talk about violence, or show any sort of sympathy towards a character who would exhibit those behaviors.
Rachel (11:41:54 AM): which of course, i think i show great love for the narrator in that story. i love her. and i want readers to understand how people sometimes do things other people find monstrous.
Rachel (11:42:20 AM): yes. i have been teaching incarcerated kids (and non-incarcerated sometimes, too!)
Rachel (11:42:28 AM): for like, 7 years now
Erik (11:42:28 AM): i get that, absolutely--your love for that character is evident
Rachel (11:42:34 AM): crazy.
Rachel (11:42:49 AM): it’s amazing, exhausting, fulfilling work
Rachel (11:43:05 AM): it’s really uplifting and depressing all at once
Rachel (11:43:24 AM): i have thought and thought and thought about this stuff for a long time
Rachel (11:43:49 AM): a lot of these kids...they have done things that i would HATE them for in another circumstance
Rachel (11:43:57 AM): and what i realize is...
Rachel (11:44:19 AM): it’s all about context
Rachel (11:45:06 AM): if some kid raped and murdered my sister...i could not go in there and be like "you have a voice, you are love, you are accountable, you have something to say, and i wanna give you the tools to say it"
Rachel (11:45:40 AM): but it WASN'T my sister. thank god. and somebody needs to tell these kids these humans, they are more than the sum of their actions.
Erik (11:45:44 AM): that's totally what my play He Asked For It is about!
Erik (11:46:39 AM): And I completely agree with you, it's about context. We don't do enough in our jail and juvie systems to HELP the people who've derailed get back on the right fucking tracks.
Erik (11:47:15 AM): Thank god that those girls have YOU going in there, telling them that they have a voice, you know?
Rachel (11:47:23 AM): it’s our only hope. It’s their only hope. and if i was a painter, or a chef, i would probably still be in there, teaching kids how to sketch or make omelettes. any form of creative self expression. but let's keep it real. i am no martyr. it’s my day job. i am blessed to feel like my work might help reach someone. rather than being, "do you want fries with that?" cuz that could just as easily be my job.
Rachel (11:49:12 AM): but i do hope to one day be rich and self sufficient as an artist. and if that ever happens, believe me, i will be taking some time to travel and live the glamorous glamorous life like fergie. but i will totally come back and volunteer. after i have been glamorous glamorous for a while
Erik (11:50:02 AM): I feel like we're both sixteen-year-old girls right now, being all optimisitic about how we can change the world and shit, but i agree with you: we need to do our part, in whatever way we can...and you don't just do that by teaching, but you do that with your writing too.
Rachel (11:50:27 AM): i hope i get financially solvent one day. it’s so fucking stressful being broke. i want to get to the part of life where i am on david letterman's couch laughing about being broke. i want to be carrie bradshaw still. and that show is off the air already!
Erik (11:50:44 AM): wait, when you mentioned fergie right now, i think maybe you were talking about black eyed peas fergie, but i was picturing duchess of york fergie
Rachel (11:50:58 AM): i want to marry mr big
Erik (11:51:22 AM): damn, and i want to be charlotte york sitting on a couch with my harry goldenblatt
Erik (11:51:37 AM): and we can go out and eat expensive food together every night.
Rachel (11:51:43 AM): actually, fuck fergie and the black eyed peas by the way. listen to kim hill instead, everyone.
Rachel (11:51:51 AM): amazing.
Rachel (11:52:06 AM): i want to fuck smith also
Erik (11:52:04 AM): supposedly, they're, like, minutes away from greenlighting the Sex and the City MOVIE, by the way.
Rachel (11:52:24 AM): its a go. they just said so on the news this morning
Rachel (11:52:38 AM): i'm nervous about it
Erik (11:52:35 AM): when we're rich like fergie, the duchess of york (not peas), then we can all fuck Smith.
Rachel (11:52:51 AM): it seems like the can it stay aloat?
Erik (11:52:57 AM): I'm nervous too, they ended the show so perfectly, why mess with it?
Rachel (11:53:06 AM): i really want it to be good
Erik (11:53:04 AM): I mean, I am dying for the movie, but still
Rachel (11:53:15 AM): i know
Erik (11:53:12 AM): That last episode was SOOOO good
Rachel (11:53:24 AM): i just want to be carrie
Rachel (11:53:34 AM): i know!
Rachel (11:53:59 AM): i used to hate carrie so much for fucking aidan over that it was ridiculous. i hate cheating
Erik (11:53:57 AM): with carrie running through the streets of paris and just missing Big and the MC Solaire music underscoring it, and then Miranda running through the streets trying to find Steve's mom!
Rachel (11:54:12 AM): but i just watched all the episodes again recently
Erik (11:54:13 AM): i watch them all the time.
Rachel (11:54:19 AM): i good
Erik (11:54:29 AM): i actually like Aidan better than Big, but she fucked him over too much.
Rachel (11:55:04 AM): i hate cheating
Erik (11:55:13 AM): That moment when they're both dressed in black and white like they're about to get married and standing by that huge fountain and he asks her to marry him and she says she can't and he says "I can't believe we're here again."
Rachel (11:55:29 AM): i know
Erik (11:55:28 AM): killer
Rachel (11:55:38 AM): she is so weird
Rachel (11:56:04 AM): but i KIND OF understand more these days. but...BOO to cheating
Erik (11:56:04 AM): okay, since we've now completely gotten off topic, i want to play a game of Cliff with you.
Rachel (11:56:15 AM): ok
Erik (11:56:10 AM): do you know the game?
Rachel (11:56:20 AM): know
Rachel (11:56:24 AM): o mean no
Rachel (11:56:30 AM): i mean no
Rachel (11:56:34 AM): HAHAHHAA
Erik (11:56:58 AM): I give you three names, you pick one to sleep with, one to live with, and one to throw off a cliff. you cannot sleep with the person you live with.
Rachel (11:57:41 AM): its called "fuck marry kill" and howard stern invented it and of course i know this game
Rachel (11:57:52 AM): let's go
Rachel (11:57:57 AM): its on
Erik (11:57:53 AM): ok, NO, in SOME circles it's called fuck marry kill
Erik (11:58:09 AM): but i learned the game in fucking London in 1998 and in London it's fucking called Cliff
Erik (11:58:11 AM): okay
Erik (11:58:14 AM): HE DID NOT
Rachel (11:58:20 AM): okay
Erik (11:58:19 AM): WHEN?
Rachel (11:58:23 AM): FINE
Erik (11:58:21 AM): I WANT PROOF
Rachel (11:58:32 AM): in the 80s
Erik (11:58:33 AM): sorry, ok, maybe he invented it, give him props, FINE
Erik (11:58:38 AM): since we're on the topic of Sex and the City: I'll start with...Steve, Aidan, Big
Rachel (11:58:49 AM): i always play the sexual fortune game and i always give u props by the way
Rachel (11:58:53 AM): ok
Erik (11:59:05 AM): ok, thank you, thank you, so we will give Howard props for inventing Fuck, Marry, Kill
Rachel (11:59:10 AM): marry big, fuck aidan, kill steve
Erik (11:59:16 AM): wow
Rachel (11:59:24 AM): i know that is shocking
Rachel (11:59:33 AM): but - big has the best apt
Erik (11:59:33 AM): i would marry steve, fuck aidan, kill big!
Rachel (11:59:43 AM): aidan is too white trash
Erik (11:59:45 AM): okay: Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte
Rachel (11:59:51 AM): and steve is WAY too short
Rachel (12:00:09 PM): kill charlotte, fuck carrie, marry samantha
Rachel (12:00:18 PM): again, i know it’s shocking
Erik (12:00:20 PM): Trent, Gordon Gano, Bjork
Erik (12:00:28 PM): (and obviously Trent is Trent Reznor)
Rachel (12:00:35 PM): actually, i might like to turn charlotte the fuck out
Rachel (12:00:41 PM): kill bjork
Rachel (12:00:46 PM): fuck gordon
Erik (12:00:54 PM): i knew you would kill bjork and it makes me sad.
Rachel (12:01:01 PM): even tho he is short, bjork is shorter still
Erik (12:01:06 PM): i also feel like you killed me when you killed charlotte
Rachel (12:01:15 PM): i just could not deal with her
Rachel (12:01:44 PM): bjork and charlotte...i would just be like "come ON are u KIDDING me?" the whole time
Rachel (12:01:53 PM): of course i would marry trent.

Rachel (12:02:03 PM): he is extremely short as well.
Rachel (12:02:09 PM): but he is trent
Rachel (12:02:23 PM): and i still think he might be the tallest of those three
Rachel (12:02:39 PM): no offense to short people here, i just feel like a moose all the time.
Erik (12:02:35 PM): I think Bjork would be a hoot to live with. (I mean, obviously I would think that, but still.) A friend of mine used to work as Bjork's personal assistant and she has this story about how they were eating breakfast and Bjork took the table cloth off the table and turned it into a gown, presto, on the spot, and then went out for the day
Rachel (12:03:01 PM): yeah, i would kill her for being too precious.
Rachel (12:03:10 PM): but i still love her
Rachel (12:03:26 PM): bachelorette is one of my favorite songs ever written on earth
Erik (12:03:37 PM): Ok, let's see: Bush, Cheney, Satan
Rachel (12:03:47 PM): if she was in fact on earth when she wrote it. hard to say.
Rachel (12:03:57 PM): ok.
Rachel (12:04:00 PM): fuck
Rachel (12:04:16 PM): cheney has to die, so does bush, obviously
Rachel (12:04:36 PM): but i would marry bush just to destroy him from the inside out
Rachel (12:04:41 PM): kill cheney
Erik (12:04:52 PM): Marry Satan, fuck bush, kill cheney. That's the way I'd go.
Rachel (12:04:59 PM): and fuck satan. i bet he can eat pussy real good.
Erik (12:05:01 PM): Totally.
Rachel (12:05:44 PM): ok i have to go teach! can u stand it? still have to get dressed. any last questions?
Erik (12:06:13 PM): One last question, along the lines of the Marry/Fuck/Kill game.
Rachel (12:06:30 PM): yes of course
Rachel (12:06:34 PM): hit me
Erik (12:06:49 PM): If you had to play Sophie's Choice (i.e. pick a favorite, which is obviously impossible, but that's why it's called Sophie's Choice) with the ten stories from your book, which would you choose?
Erik (12:07:40 PM): so hard, i know.
Rachel (12:08:09 PM): fuck
Rachel (12:08:20 PM): i can't
Erik (12:08:35 PM): but the nazis are about to shoot all of your stories and you have to save one.
Rachel (12:08:42 PM): but who i would most like to MEET is frank from disappearing and noa from the historian.
Rachel (12:08:53 PM): i really want to make out with both of them.
Rachel (12:09:00 PM): and they aren't real.
Erik (12:09:05 PM): ok, that's not answering the question, but it's still a good answer, so i'll accept it
Rachel (12:09:20 PM): um. it changes. right now i am kind of in love with "match"
Erik (12:09:59 PM): It was so much fun to interview go get dressed and go teach!
Rachel (12:10:17 PM): every story in the book is a "love" story (HA), but this one is the only one about friend-love, between two teenage girls. and they actually find some resolution!
Erik (12:10:22 PM): I love "Match" too
Rachel (12:10:38 PM): ok. I LOVE YOU and you are AMAZING and one of my favorite writers on earth
Rachel (12:10:55 PM): i am so flattered to be interviewed by you.
Erik (12:10:55 PM): i'm not editing ANYTHING out of this interview by the way.
Rachel (12:11:02 PM): i am yer fan
Rachel (12:11:11 PM): u better not!
Rachel (12:11:32 PM): i forgot...i really wanna meeet skyler too
Rachel (12:11:42 PM): from "wesley"
Rachel (12:11:50 PM): how hot is he?
Rachel (12:12:10 PM): i walk around looking for frank, skyler, and noa.
Erik (12:12:09 PM): SO hot. I wanna meet him too. In fact, if you meet him, send him my way.
Rachel (12:12:19 PM): tell me if u meet them.
Rachel (12:12:24 PM): JINX!
Rachel (12:12:28 PM): ahahaha
Erik (12:12:24 PM): you owe me a coke.
Erik (12:12:25 PM): ha
Rachel (12:12:33 PM): xoxoxoxoxxo
Erik (12:12:32 PM): xoxoxo
Rachel (12:12:40 PM): bye
Erik (12:12:39 PM): later


Anonymous said...

i will buy anyone a chocolate bar that finishes reading that behemoth. i love you, patterson. i can't believe we typed that much.

mavervorl said...

Dr. Patterson,

I have not given your blog the support it deserves, despite blurking here several times monthly. I encourage your decision to post anything you like. Nice colors and fonts! Excellent words!



Erik said...

Will you buy ME a chocolate bar? I want a Big Kat.

Erik said...

Thank you Marty! Rachel owes you a chocolate bar.

Anonymous said...

FUCK YES!! big kats for everyone! (incl your mom)