New Things #31 and #32 and #33: My budding gambling addiction, Mo Brainer, and Mo' Better Peach French Toast.

A few New Things I did this weekend:

New Thing #31: I won 90 bucks in a Super Bowl pool today! I have never ever even made a single bet on the Super Bowl before and the first time I do, I win 90 bucks? What else can I bet on?!??? This rocks, this whole gambling thing. (1) It's easy money and (2) it's easy. Sign me up. I am ready to start my life of gambling.

I mean, come the frick on:

You throw down some money, watch a bunch of hot guys run around in tight pants for a couple of hours, and then walk away with 90 bucks? I wanna bet on the Super Bowl every day.

It's, like, totally a mo brainer.

[I meant to type "no brainer" but then I typed "mo brainer" and I left it because what a fucking awesome pairing of words, right? "Mo brainer." It's great, it's brilliant, we've gotta start using it to help it get into the universal lexicon. Arte you with me? ((Here's another typo, "arte," which I'm leaving in for obvious reasons: it's fun and dramatic and should be followed by a "thou"!))

I think "mo brainer" should be used to describe a situation where you're in over your head and you need someone's help. Like, for instance, in the world as we know it (i.e. the world without the phrase "mo brainer"), if you were trying to solve a problem--let's say it has to do with the furniture arrangement in your living room--and you needed help and then a friend of yours showed up and asked if you needed help...if all of that happened, you might smile and say something like "two heads are better than one," meaning you would love their help. Right? Right.

Well, in a world where we've got the phrase "mo brainer," if you found yourself in the same situation where you were trying to solve a problem and you needed help and then a friend of yours showed up and asked if you needed help...well, in this world, you might say something like, "Oh my god, thank you, yes, please help me, this is totally a mo brainer," meaning, literally, it needs more brains, i.e. "two" brains--your friend's and yours--because two heads are better than one, natch. (Which is "natch," yes, and true, but it doesn't need to be reiterated over and over again. No, the phrase "two heads are better than one" should be abolished and replaced by "mo brainer.")

Or you might use the phrase in a situation where someone is doing something stupid and someone else needs to talk them out of it. Like, say you're a paramedic or a firefighter or police officer (or something cool like that) and you've responded to a call about a dude who's standing on the ledge of a building. You get there and you send your best gal or guy up to the roof to try to talk the dude down. But your best gal or guy isn't getting through to him. So you say, "dammit, this is a mo brainer," meaning you literally need another brain on the case, so you send someone else up to the roof to try to get the potential jumping dude off the ledge. And you were right. It was a mo brainer. And because of your snap judgement, and the extra brain you assigned to the case, you have safed a life.*

Or say someone is going to do something really stupid, like throw everything away and become a professional gambler, you might say they're pulling a mo brainer, which, in this scenario, would mean that you think the stupid person needs some mo' brains, foo.]

Anyway, I think I might give up my writing career and become a professional gambler, or if I decide I don't want to play the tables in Vegas, then I'll just become a professional Super Bowl better and horde as much cash as I can throughout the year until I've reached Super Bowl Sunday and it's time to make my bets.

Mo brainer, right?

Anyway, I think that inventing that phrase (did, I though? I mean, I googled the phrase and I only got what looks like unembraced typos ((unlike my typos which are practically made love to)) and since it is a new phrase I invented, then I think it should be a New Thing that I did this weekend too. It's my New Thing #32.

NEXT WEEK ON ERIK'S BLOG: Erik loses his "nest egg" and his friends trick him into going to GA (a.k.a. Gambler's Anonymous) by telling him there's gonna be another Super Bowl and the viewing party is in the rec room at the local church.

New Thing #33: I ate French Toast with peaches cooked directly into the bread at Denny's. I don't really recommend this to anyone. While I was eating the French Toast "with cooked-in fruit," I thought it tasted good, but now, hours later, my stomach is all, "fuck you, Erik."

*Jeez Louise, another fricken typo. "Safed a life"??? And why am I compelled to leave the typo in and tell you about it at the end of the post? What's that about?