Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Apparently, People Like Pee

I'm fascinated by how people find my blog.

Two of the recent searches that led people to my blog include "a league of their own long peeing scene" and "revenge of the nerds peeing scene," hence the title of this post.

First of all, I fully think that peeing is funny, but pooping is funnier, in the hierarchy of “things that are funny.”

However, I don’t think that the people who are Googling "a league of their own long peeing scene" and “revenge of the nerds peeing scene” are Googling these scenes because they think they’re funny. No, I think these people are Googling "a league of their own long peeing scene" and “revenge of the nerds peeing scene” in order to satisfy a different “f-word,” and no, it’s not that one either.

What I’m trying to say is, I think these people probably have a...(and imagine I’m whispering here)...fetish.

Okay, honestly, I don’t know why I whispered that last word. Maybe it’s because I live in a country where we still don’t really talk about things like sexuality in as free a manner as we should. A country that I love, but that is way too concerned with legislating things like “morality. ” A country that I love, but that is not nearly concerned enough with things like, oh, um, “gun control” and “civil liberties” and “justice for all.”

I don’t mean to get all political, but the way I see it, if you’re not hurting yourself or anyone else, and if it makes you happy, and you’re both consenting adults, (and like I said before, but I’ll say it again, just to make sure we’re clear) and you’re not hurting yourself or anyone else, then more power to you.

Which is to say, if you’ve got a pee fetish, and it makes you happy, then you are, like, totally welcome at my blog!

While you’re here, you can read my post about my epic long pee (the post that brought you here in the first place) and then, if you want, you could leave, or, better, you could stay, and then you could read more about My Year of New Things, or about the Difference Between Dorks and Nerds and Geeks, or about My Date with Dustin.

Just wash your hands at the door and we’re golden.

Now, I don’t know who you are. I just know how you came to my blog. Google, however...Google knows exactly who you are. Because according to recent reports, Google has records of everything you and I have ever Googled for at least the past three years, and probably even further back. This is scary because, well, (and I’m sorry I’m getting political again, but) George Bush, the schmuck, is trying to get this information out of Google.

I have no beef with Google. Google rocks. I love Google. They’re trying to safeguard our personal info. Keep fighting the good fight, Google.

However, George Bush, the schmuck—he says he wants our Google records so that he can protect us. Bull honkey. He really wants our records because he doesn’t believe in things like our personal freedom.

Bush’s regime is totally straight out of Orwell’s 1984. Instead of saying “freedom is slavery” and “ignorance is strength” and “war is peace,” George Bush’s mottos are “spying is personal freedom” and “lying is truth” and, of course, “war is peace”—yeah, he learned that one from Orwell’s book and he’s certainly doing a number with it.

Ug. I just…I just think that people should be able to Google without being afraid that their Googling is going to be misconstrued and get them in trouble. I think some things must remain sacred. I think that people who like pee should be able to like pee, and they should be able to like it anonymously, if that’s how they want to do it. Their searches for things like "a league of their own long peeing scene" and “revenge of the nerds peeing scene” should not be stored in a file along with their name and number and social security code and shopping habits and health history and god-knows-what-other-information can be found out about all of us online.

Since the government cannot steal information that I provide willingly, I am going to post a list of Google searches I have made in the last week. I’m taking a few things off of the list—this list would be too embarrassing if it included all of the people I have Googled—basically, if I met you in the last seven days, I’ve Googled you, because I Google everyone I meet (we all do, right?)—but I’m leaving other embarrassing things on the list because I’m not really ashamed of anything, and having just looked at the list, I think it’s a really funny list. If George Bush got a hold of this list of Google searches, I honestly don’t know what he’d make of it. He’d probably think I was gay and leave it at that.

Here’s the list:

"Amy aquino" "Freaks and geeks"
"ark of the covenant"
"Audition arsenal"
"Ben franklin" "I need to lay off the sauce"
"big brother" "freedom is"
"boston legal" ABC
"brokeback to the future"
"Brooke burke" imdb
"Denver theatre center"
"Derek hughes" magic
"desi arnaz"
"emily valentine" 90210
"Gold rush!" "mark burnett"
"Grey gardens" "hung up"
"grey's anatomy" "Missed episode"
"grey's anatomy" "repeat"
"grey's anatomy" reair
"grey's anatomy" superbowl "tivo problems"
"grey's anatomy" superbowl tivo problem
"grey's anatomy" tivo
"grey's anatomy" tivo didn't tape
"handlebar mustache" reaction
"hitting a penguin"
"los angeles angels" roster
"Mary Pat Gleason"
"mo brainer"
"Mythical item" water
"Neil hamburger"
"pandora's box"
"Sam weir" Freaks and geeks
"The contender" ESPN
"The descendants" milo
"Tootie drives"
"Valentine victorious" review
"Will go platinum"
"Yuma, AZ"
“Erik Patterson”
“I speak the only language I need to” “the language of love”
“it’s for my pussy” Wet hot american summer
“no one was home at rayanne’s house”
“sex and the city” “my motherboard, my self”
“take a page from”
“whatever happened to” “michael shoeffling”
73 freeway "newport coast drive"
adopt a pet games win
AREA CODEs
bay area playwrights
blair gauntlet 2 blog
bring it on imdb
buttfluttery
butthole of America
California mega million lottery results
clark gregg is gay
coachella
cock block
crops in baker California
cuisinarte
define crescendo
define talisman
derrick from real world
derrick from real world is a pit bull
door to door storage
emmy nomination "best director"
entemanns
Erik Patterson
firhouse theatre project
firehouse theatre project
freakfurz
Gabrielle carteris
gamblers anonymous
gambling anonymous
garbage pail kids
garbage pail kids series one
gerard "the last holiday" latifah
ghostbusters proton pack
Gilmore girls episode guide
ginky
goodnight and goodluck imdb
gremlins rules bright light
hair lyrics
heat up to
hi
hottest tv actors
how to kill a crab
INXS Don’t Change lyrics
INXS Never Tear Us Apart lyrics
is clark gregg gay?
is jay harrington gay?
jake ryan
jeffrey tambor
jerry seinfeld
jill soloway
kids hate vegetables
mad props
occidental college transcript registrar
office depot spray paint
orange fire
original gangster
phoebe friends
pictures of Daniel Cartier
pictures of Daniel Cartier naked
punkass definition
queen latifah
robin hood prince of thieves theme
Sandra oh speaks
tgif's
the guy in the cow shake commercial
the kinds of friends who just show up "My motherboard, my self"
the real world boston
the smallest town in Arizona is
tremors town
uconn playwrights
upn wb merge
White boy shuffle
who wrote Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day
wolverhampton
world’s largest bar of soap
world’s largest carwash
yeti penguin game

I can’t believe I just put that list on my blog. It’s kinda like I just showed you the contents of my trash can. Now you know who I have a crush on and what television shows I’m obsessed with and, well, I’m not gonna psychoanalyze myself and try to figure out what else you might know about me from that list because I don’t want to know.

I certainly don’t remember why I Googled even half of these things. Like, um, hello: “hi”? Why on earth would anyone Google the word “hi”? It doesn’t make any sense to me and I’m the one who did it. And not to be stuck in the letter “h,” but why on earth did I Google the phrase “heat up to”? What’s that about? What could I have possibly been trying to find out? I have no freaking clue.

Anyway, George Bush, there you go—you don’t need to subpoena Google to find out what I searched for this week. I’ll tell ya myself.

And if you really want to know who googled "a league of their own long peeing scene" and “revenge of the nerds peeing scene” to find my blog, well then you can piss off.

*

P.S. Because I am fascinated by how people find my blog—and especially by the Google searches that lead them to my blog—I am going to keep a list of every Google search that brings someone here. My friend Colleen often writes very funny posts about the same topic, and I feel like this is one of her things, and I know that I couldn’t do it even remotely as well or as cleverly as she does it, so I’m not going to put this list into my blog as an entry. Instead, I’m going to hide it somewhere on the blog where I can constantly update it—someplace that’s sort of hidden, but easily findable if you’re industrious. You can look for it if you want; or you can forget about it. However, I am going to put it somewhere on the blog. I’m gonna hide it. Either way, I don’t give a cow. I just want to keep the list somewhere because I am a little bit OCD and I love me a list.

Did you watch Survivor: Panama, Exile Island this week? Remember when Jeff Probst was talking about the hidden immunity idol on exile island, and then he said “I’ve already given you your clue—now find the idol”?

Well, I’ve already given you your clue about where the hidden list is.

Good luck and happy hunting.

21 comments:

Angela said...

Okay, I loved your whole Google list, but the one that stood out for me for some reason was: "how to kill a crab".

Is your house infested with crabs? Are you raising an army to take out those evil crabs? Is this a line from a movie (or perhaps the title of a movie) I've never heard of? Is it the name of an underground punk band? Is it some sort of sexual code phrase? Why do you hate crustaceans? (And I just googled the word crustacean because I suddenly couldn't remember with 100% certainty if a crab IS a crustacean.) (It is.) (Duh.)

Angela said...

As a side note (speaking of people liking pee) (and speaking of people having a pee fetish), I dated this guy who was kinda obsessed with golden showers. He kinda pretended like he wasn't REALLY obsessed with them, but he totally was, which is fine, but there was NO WAY IN HELL I was gonna let him pee on me. So it was always like, ha ha, y'know those weirdos that like peeing on each other in bed...(significant pause)?

(That might have been TMI. Perhaps I should have written this comment as "Anonymous". But, whatever. Some guy once wanted to pee on me. It didn't work out. A heart-warming tale for you and your readers in the week before V-Day...)

Erik said...

Angela,

Okay, I wish that I had a really cool story about how my house is infested with crabs, or that it's a cool sexual code phrase like you suggested, or any number of cool stories, but the truth is I googled it because someone else googled it and I, also, thought it was a strange unique thing to be googled and then I wanted to google it myself. Basically, it was on the list of searches that Colleen wrote about on her blog (which I've linked to in this entry) and I thought it was the weirdest thing for someone to google, so then I googled it to learn more.

But it SHOULD be a sexual code phrase, right?

And it SHOULD be the name of an underground band, too.

Wanna form a band with me and we can call ourselves How To Kill A Crab? And when people ask us what our name means, we can say it's code for a really cool sexual position, but we won't tell people any more than that. We're too punk to tell them anymore. They can fuckin' figure it out for themselves. How To Kill A Crab rawks.

Erik said...

Angela, that is my favorite story of someone wanting to pee on someone EVER! Thank you for sharing. There is no such thing as TMI on my blog.

j-dō said...

Hey Erik...
I totally remember listening to Neil Hamburger with you in high school. Actually I am not sure if I remember him or your impression of him more. I had forgotten about neil. Why did you google him? Do you still have his tapes? Are you still a huge fan? Would you call it a (whispered) fetish?

Bonnie said...

Re: "Just wash your hands at the door and we’re golden."

*snork*

That was some of the best funny writing EVER! *giggle*

Erik said...

Jen (J-do), it's been a really long time since I did my Neil Hamburger impression. I was looking in the LA Weekly for something to do a few weeks ago and I saw an advertisement for a Neil Hamburger show and I SO wanted to see it, but I had missed it, so I've been keeping my eyes open for another Hamburger show. I think that's probably why I googled him.

Erik said...

Bonnie,
I'm so sorry to hear about all of your computer trauma! That is the WORST. I hate it. I went through a similar thing a year ago. UG. I'm glad my blog was good for a laugh at least!
LYMI,
Erik

communicatrix said...

Oh, don't sell yourself short, Erik. Your "searches" post is pretty durned funny.

And now, I will help you out on future searches: GIANT LABIA JANE KACZMEREK NAKED CARTOON DUCK SMASHING COMPUTER.

xxx
c

Erik said...

Colleen, you don't even know how happy GIANT LABIA JANE KACZMEREK NAKED CARTOON DUCK SMASHING COMPUTER makes me.

Aimie said...

okay, two things:

1. i once was riding a sexual partner and really had to pee. but, it was a new thing and i didn't want to have to stop and run to the bathroom and resume, y'know? so, i kinda forgot about it until one particular jab of his little weenus hit my bladder directly (literally, i think he popped a hole through my other organs and wonked my bladder) and i peed a little. now, it wasn't a full load of urine but enough for him to get really proud of himself (he was an arrogant pisser, pun intended, you might be able to deduce who i'm talking about here with that tidbit) and think that he had just turned me on so much that i gushed. this is what that was like...
"ohmygod, you just got so wet."
"um, really...?!"
"yeah, put your hand on my stomach, it's like a puddle of you."
"wow."
"i guess you like that, huh?"
"um, yeah."
and, he never knew that he was dipping his hand into pee. sometimes when i see him, i have to laugh because only he could take an inordinate amount of liquid and make it into his own mastery of my body.

2. I forgot what the other thing was.

xoxo aimie

Aimie said...

okay, got it.

2. WHY ON EARTH TGIF's?! is it because i worked there one summer? (see how i'm tying in to my last comment about random things like pee and TGIF's making one's head swell if one is, in fact, a megalomaniac) is it because you like their jack daniels chicken? or their bartending olympics? don't laugh. it was a big deal. we all watched the bartenders set things on fire and do quasi strips while they made drinks. actually, only the girls did that. the guys were pretty legit.
*one week later one of the bartenders was fined $5000 for an undercover underage drinker sting operation. he was fired, too. he had won the olympics the week before because he gave everyone free blow job shots. tragic, eh?

Erik said...

I have three words:

OH. MY. GOD.

big XOXO

Erik said...

And how did I not know you worked at TGIF'S? Because I know the story about the guy who got busted and fined for serving minors, but I don't remember you ever working at TGIF'S. I remember Islands. Was TGIF'S before Islands?

Erik said...

This is my favorite quote:

"It's like a puddle of you."

I think I know who this story must be about, but I will ask you if I'm right next time we see each other.

soleclaw said...

I almost don't want to post my lame-o comment now after reading all these awesomely funny ones. Oh well.
So in your list of searches I noticed a few mythical topics. I would looove to suggest a great sight for all things mythical: http://www.pantheon.org
its great. real great. take the quizzes to see how much of a mythology buff you are (or arent).

Erik said...

Oh my god, soleclaw, NO COMMENTS are lame-o, all comments are good. I am a comment whore, and I hate the thought of someone NOT leaving a comment for fear of it being lame-o. Seriously, since it's my blog, consider me King of Comments, and I decree that no comment written by soleclaw will ever be considered lame-o.

I'm on my way to pantheon.org right now. Thank you for the heads up.

Aims said...

heehee! i have three better words.

sean. is. back.

but, i don't get the nogin. F it all. you'll just have to fill me in.

i bet you've guessed the identity of bighead. if you think you know, you know!

yes, tgif's was my first restaurant job followed by islands, mi piace, and the electric lotus. oh, the people i've waited on...

did i tell you that menopause: the musical is finally closing? march 12th. sienna and i are going to drink 20 margaritas and go see it (because i've only seen it from the wings). wanna come? :)

Erik said...

aims, i totally never saw your last comment and am just seeing it now for the first time. i wonder if you'll ever see THIS comment. when are you going to menopause: the musical? you have to let me know the date, i want to come.

Bonnie said...

Ooooooh, just noticed that you changed your comments' timestamp to include DATES. Woo! That's soooo your new thing! Yay! Mucho apreciado, dudo!

Erik said...

Okay, I just reread this comment thread for the first time since it originally happened, and angela and aimie, it makes me really happy that both of you shared those stories.