Tuesday, February 21, 2006


1. Before I go to bed, I feel compelled to make a list.

2. This is not a list of anything in particular.

3. Why am I even still awake making lists of nothing in particular? I am so tired my eyeballs can barely, like, stay open.

4. I mean, seriously.

5. When I was a kid, my mom, PAM, used to read me bedtime stories, and sometimes, as she was reading, she would start to fall asleep, but she would fight the sleep, and even as her eyes were closing she would try to keep reading, but since her eyes were closing she wouldn't be able to see the words on the page, and so random, non-sensical things would start pouring out of her mouth, and then she'd realize that she wasn't making any sense, and then she would stop reading the bedtime story, but I would urge her to keep reading because the bedtime stories always started to get really good when she stopped making sense.

6. Sometimes I think I overuse the comma.

7. When I was in college, I used to keep a journal, and I would write in it before I went to bed, and I used to fall asleep as I was writing, but I would keep writing, and then the next morning I would wake up and look at my journal and have no recollection of what I had written and it would be really stream-of-conscious and rambly and weird and I felt like I was reading transcriptions of my dreams.

8. My eyeball itches right now.

9. Seriously.

10. I was looking at my statcounter, which tells me where my blog readers come from, and someone read my blog in London tonight.

11. And that made me miss London.

12. So.

13. Fucking.

14. Much.

15. I've been having major pangs for London lately.

16. Obviously.

17. If you, like, have lots of frequent flyer miles, or if you recently won that big Powerball Jackpot in Nebraska, and you read my blog, and you want to take me to London, but you haven't asked me yet because you're afraid that I might say no, you can stop worrying, I will totally say yes.

18. And then I'll take you to Wagamama's, which is only the best Japanese noodle house in the fucking world.

19. My eyeball still itches. I'm trying not to think about it.

20. It's the left eyeball.

21. Now I'm hungry. Why am I hungry?

22. Is this insomnia? Does insomnia make you hungry?

23. Like, if I googled "insomnia" and "hunger," would I get a million hits?

24. There's this guy who is trying to turn a paper clip into a house, and I think he's really cool. I wish I thought of it.

25. There was this girl in college, I can't remember her name, I didn't know her very well, but I'm sure some of the people who read my blog knew her, in fact this girl was in my Faulker/Morrison class and I think that, Lindsay, you were in that class, weren't you, I think you were, anyway, you're not the girl I'm talking about, and wow, I feel like I've started this story off poorly, like super poorly, which reminds me of this girl, a different girl, not the first girl from the Faulker/Morrison class, I'll get back to her in a moment, there was this other girl, this girl who I was evesdropping on at a coffeeshop the other day, she was British, and she was talking to her friend, another girl, a third girl, who was also British, and she told her friend that she was "feeling quite poorly," and then she paused and she said, "I think that's wrong," and her friend said, "what's wrong?" and she said, "if you say, 'I'm feeling quite poorly,' wouldn't that mean that you're bad at feeling?" and her friend said, "I suppose so--you should have said that you're not feeling well," and then the girl who was feeling quite poorly said, "that's right, I'm not feeling well, I'm not feeling well at all," and this was actually a conversation these two girls had, word for word, I'm not making any of it up, and I love these girls, and you should too, and if you're having trouble loving them then you have to imagine them speaking with British accents, and you have to fall in love with them just like I did, because I totally fell in love with them, they were British after all, and what's not to fall in love with British girls, even though they have girl parts rather than man parts, they still have British accents, and I think that a British accent might trump something like sexuality, but I'm rambling, which is because I'm tired, but I'm not so tired that I'm nearly as incoherent as my mother used to be when she would read me bedtime stories when I was a kid, and I haven't fallen asleep yet, so I don't think we're in the territory of my subconscious, or anything like that, but what I was trying to say, before I went off on my British girl tangent, which, as you already know, was perfectly reasonable, because I've been missing London so much lately, and oh man, if I could have some soba noodles from Wagamama's right now, then I think I would die and go to heaven, they're that good, but whatever, I have to stop thinking about soba noodles from Wagamama's because I'm going to obsess and then I really won't be able to go to sleep, but what I was trying to say was that there was this girl in my Faulker/Morrison class who I didn't know very well, but then, one day, someone mentioned to me, offhand, that this girl was "a total nympho," and then, from that day forward, I remember sitting in that class, like, every day, thinking "that girl is a total nympho," I mean, I would just sit there in class wondering if she'd just had sex before class, or if she was going to have sex right after class, or if, god forbid, she missed a class, then I would wonder if she missed the class because she was having sex, and Professor Newhall, if you ever read this blog entry, god forbid, then please accept my apologies for thinking about sex in your class more often than I thought about either William Faulkner or Toni Morrison, but it's the truth, and I know it's weird that I would obsess over this girl's potential nympho status because it's not like I wanted to sleep with her, but now I think I might be getting super close to writing-in-my-sleep territory, so I'm just gonna stop, while I'm ahead, now.

26. Oh my god.


Anonymous said...

1. you can tell everyone i was the total nympho in that class, even though i think it isn't true.
2. though i loved professor newhall, and that class, i never finished a single faulkner novel assigned to us; i was totally in it for the morrison. which is too bad, because her two recent novels are b-a-d.
3. i wonder which girl you were talking about. hmmmm...
4. i am so happy you remember what class we had together!

Erik said...

1. I kinda lied. I actually DO remember the name of the total nympho. And I bet you knew her/know her and maybe you know if she was/is really a total nympho.

2. Or, at least, I think I remember her name...that's the funky thing about memory--I can picture her face very clearly and I've attached a name to it in my head, but it's been so many years since I've even thought about her--I don't know why I was thinking about her last night--that the name I have for her in my head might not be right.

3. The name I'm calling her in my head is Starla.

4. Just kidding.

5. Yeah, I'm with you on the Faulkner thing. I actually DID finish MOST OF the Faulkner novels. There was one, though, that I never even cracked open--I think it was called The Bear--maybe it was a novella--and I remember for our final we had to write three or four in class essays and one of them was about The Bear and I completely pulled that essay out of my ass based on class discussion without having read a word of the book.

6. Again, Professor Newhall, I'm sorry. I loved your class. The Morrison books were wonderful, as were the Morrison discussions. But Faulkner kinda makes me go ug.

7. big xo,

joe chandler said...

i remember the girl too. I wasn't in your class, but i remember the college nympho.

Erik said...

You know, Joe, there may have been more than one college nympho. How do you know we're talking about the same one?

Bonnie said...

Okay, how did my reading this entry a dozen or more hours ago turn into me getting up out of bed at 1:20am since I simply cannot sleep, and here it is 2am and I'm back at your blog... at the 2am post?



Or not.


Gina said...

I will give you your fix of british girl on Friday night. I'll tawlk to you in my british accent and we can tawlk about british things. We can call my british family in London if you want. oh, and I say we go to London. We'll get jobs as flight attendants on British Airways just for that one trip. We can stay with my family once we're there. I saw we go for it, bloody hell!

joe chandler said...

trust me. there was one college nympho. every college has one. ours just happened to be in your class....

P.S. she read all the faulkner novels, but none of the morrison ones.

Erik said...

Bonnie, HA! Look at the power I hold over you! Keeping you awake at 2am. I like it.

Erik said...

Gina, can we PLEASE talk with British accents on Friday night? ALL NIGHT LONG. Let's do it. It will be a New Thing. (I haven't done any New Things in what feels like years.) We can see how long we last before everyone else gets so tired of us that they leave. And, yes, let's go to London--and I want to go to Cyprus with you too!

Erik said...

Okay, Joe. JOE. For serious? You know who I'm talking about? That's crazy. I hadn't been on the internet all day, and then I saw Uma, and she was like "YOU MUST READ JOE'S COMMENT ON YOUR BLOG."

So, anyway, I gotta ask: did you sleep with the nympho?

joe chandler said...

ok...1. i was kidding in my comment, but I actually do think I know who you're talking about, because i remember an english major that was your year(i think) that was rumored to be a nympho. so, although i'm kidding, i actually do have a picture in my head of someone that i think is her.
2. i have no idea what her reading habits were.
3. the list of people i slept with in college is very short and does not include her.

Erik said...

Joe, your comment had the air of believability, so I believed you. Also, if I remember correctly, the nympho was a year ahead of me. And I can't remember if she was an English major, but probably. And even though you say you didn't sleep with her, I think you did. Because the whole "I didn't sleep with the nympho" thing you're trying to pull on me totally does NOT sound believable.

TheDarkerUma said...

1) i hate to be a wet blanket here erik, but you have pulled the whole "lets do an accent all night" game before.

in fact that is how i met my current beau (is that how you spell it)?

2) oh, and a word of warning Gina, Erik did not last long at this game at all!

3) does it count that I played a nympho in college? come on, a girl can dream, no?


Erik said...

1. first of all, wow, thanks for being a super wet blanket, urp. GEEZ. yeah, THANKS.

however, as you yourself stated, i didn't last much of that fateful night (when you met your beau) (and yes, that's how you spell it) doing the accent game. now, if gina and i do it, i'll probably give up again, but if i DO last the whole night, then THAT would be a New Thing, right?

2. you were funny today. i like your new location in the office because it means that when i'm there you have to walk by me lots of times. or at least you did today. or whatever.

3. what do you mean you "played" a nympho in college. you're the real nympho i'm talking about.

4. just kidding.

5. you know i'm kidding, right?

6. joe, uma is not the nympho i'm talking about. uma wasn't a year above me, she was a year below me--which, obviously, you know. because you were in her year, but you know that too, because you're you.

7. oh, also, joe--do you remember, like, a month ago, in a different comment thread, maybe it was less than a month ago, actually, but we were talking about who we were from Twin Peaks, and then I said that my friend Urp was Audrey Horne, and then you were like, "if you have a friend who is Audrey Horne, man, I want to meet her," except you didn't say "man," I added the "man" part--well, anyway, do you remember that? because i don't think you realize that Urp is actually Uma. so i thought i'd tell you that you were kind of inadvertantly hitting on uma. and as her hubby and all, i think i'm supposed to take offense to that, and so i think that i should throw a drink in your face, or maybe throw a plate of spaghetti in your lap. and i know that we've talked about doing that for the last two months now and it hasn't happened, and soon you're gonna start calling me "the boy who cried drink toss and spaghetti throw" but i promise we will get together and do those New Things soon.

8. i'm totally not consistent with my usage of capital letters. Sometimes I write in caps. and sometimes i don't. i just noticed all of my previous comments used caps and then this one didn't, and it made me wonder if most people are consistent with their caps/non caps usage, or if lots of people flip flop like i seem to.

9. urp, back to your comment--i don't think you lasted the WHOLE night doing your accent, either. (or did you?) (the title of "accent champ" really belongs to john, i think)

Erik said...

okay, by the way, as a sidenote, i'm already getting "nympho" google hits.

Erik said...

and, also, by the way, COLLEEN: I'm also getting "giant labia" google hits, thankyouverymuch.

joe chandler said...

I know of at least three people who would be pissed at me if I hit on Uma, and you Erik, would be the least pissed. Therefore let the record show that i am not hitting on Uma. Wait, I just thought of a fourth person. Wow, Uma and I could never date.

I will cancel things in order for you to throw an item in my lap or face.

Your comment section in your blog is more fun than candy.

p.s. i still want to meet audrey horne, just not uma audrey horne, cause i've already met her

p.p.s. if you're wondering you would be fourth place for "amount of anger over joe hitting on uma."

Erik said...

I can think of 17 people who would be pissed off if you hit on Uma, and of those 17 people, I think I would be 8th place in terms of "amount of anger over joe hitting on uma."

joe chandler said...

Seventeen! Seventeen! Now your comment reeks of unbelievability. At the most there would be 8-10 people that would be pissed. And keep in mind I'm talking about people with a personal stake in this situation. If some random guy in Idaho would be bothered you can't count him.

TheDarkerUma said...

ok you both are full of shit. i think joe was originally right. 4 at most.

erik, if there is 17, i want names. outside of the top 4 that is.

p.s. this is fun. i feel like a rock star.

Erik said...

Oh, Joe, Joe, Joe. Dear Joe. I have never been to Idaho, nor, to my knowledge, has Uma. (Though, Urp, if you HAVE been to Idaho, please correct me.) So, since I have never been to Idaho (and neither has Uma) (right, Urp?) then there is no random dude from Idaho on the list. However, there was a random guy in Taiwan who was on the list, so I'll take him off the list, and now we're down to a very believable sixteen.

marie said...

are we counting uma on the list of people who would be pissed off if joe hit on uma? cause she'd be at the top.

Erik said...

Alright, "Uma," you want names? I'll give you names. Give me a second, I'm drawing up the list. (minus the top 4.)

Erik said...

Marie brings up a good point! Yes, we ARE counting Uma in the top 4.

Erik said...

Okay, so #1-4 will be left to the imagination (since they're so obvious, at least to those "in the know"). Here's the rest of the list of...

People Who Would Be Pissed Off If Joe Chandler Hit On Uma:

5. My Mom (obviously)

6. Erica (Right? I mean, even though she has leukemia and all, I still think she'd be pretty pissed off at you, Joe.)

7. John Bouchard (actually, he probably wouldn't be upset, but I thought it would be fun to put him on the list)

8. me

9. Brian F. (okay, yes, I think that Brian might be mad, and Joe, you don't want Brian to be mad at you) (I was just looking at my Oxy transcript the other day and I noticed that I got a C- in Technical Theater. I got a C-!!! What's up with that? I guess I was really bad in the class, but I had a lot of fun in the class, and doesn't "fun" count for ANYTHING??? What did you get in Technical Theater, Joe??? I bet you got an A. You were in my class. Do you remember me doing C- quality work? I bet you remember me doing at least B- quality work. Right?) (Just say yes.)

10. David Letterman (trust me)

11. Our old landlady Sybil. (She was CRAZY. She fucking gets mad at EVERYONE.)

12. Jason Reade (again, I have no idea if Jason would actually be mad about this or not, but I bet that even if he wasn't mad, he would pretend to be mad so that he could be one of the "mad people." That's just my hunch on how he would react to the situation.)

13. All of the dancers in Thunder From Down Under, the Australian strippers on the strip in Vegas (I lump all of these men together just because it's hotter that way) (and I definitely think they would be PISSED Joe) (fucking PISSED)

14. Carrie Bradshaw

15. Bonnie (I know you don't know these people, Bonnie, but back me up here: you would be PISSED)

16. Actually, I don't have a sixteenth person. I lied about the sixteenth person. It's only fifteen people who would be pissed off if Joe hit on Uma.

joe chandler said...

wow, uma wasn't in my top 4. so now the top 4 that everyone should know if they know anything has been expanded to a top 5 whose names we don't have to mention because everyone knows who they are. in response to erik's list. my guess is that jason reade wouldn't be pissed at all. but john bouchard would be super pissed so that can count as two.

I think i got a B in tech, and then an A in advanced tech. In tech brian really cared whether or not you did well on the test and budgeting project. in advanced he just cared that you told him good jokes and tried hard.

marie said...

16. Anna (she's always hated Joe anyway)

17. Aubree (she'll take my side on anything, now that I won her and Brian in the divorce)

18. Ross (sorry, ums)

19. Erik, unfortunately, Brian does not consider how much fun you (or he) had in class when he's calculating your grade. But I know for a fact that he thinks a lot more of you than a C- now.

Erik said...

Dammit, I should have skipped regular tech and just gone straight to Advanced tech!

I remember that the tests were my downfall, actually. I could never remember the names of anything.

marie said...

jason would definitely be pissed, ever since he and uma bonded while "winning" (cheating at) trivial pursuit the other night.

Erik said...

And I wonder who's in your secret top four--since Uma wasn't in it, that means that our lists must have been slightly different. Interesting. Very interesting.

And I don't think Jason would REALLY be pissed, but don't you think he would PRETEND to be pissed, just for the fun of it? (You would know much better than I, since I barely know him.)

joe chandler said...

this was fun

joe chandler said...

i thought my top 4 was painfully obvious. it included you Erik...plus others....come on...you know, right?

i stand by my feeling that jason would laugh and think it was funny. then i'd make fun of him for always needing rides to the store in college.

Erik said...

Okay, actually, I just called Jason, because we talk all the time, and I read all of the comments to him, and he said that not only would he be pissed IF it happened, but he's pissed by the mere NOTION of it. So there--the issue is resolved.

jason reade said...

i wouldn't be pissed at all. i heart NYC. uma, we rule at trivial pursuit.

Erik said...

Okay, obviously, when I said that I called Jason and he said he was pissed, I was lying. Apparently, in reality, he wouldn't be pissed at all. So now the list of people who would be pissed at Uma should be winnowed down to 15, except I just remember a random guy in Canada and another random guy in Australia, so the list is back to 17.

TheDarkerUma said...

yeah jason!!

who else is going to join this rollicking shin dig?

i'm going to bite the bullet and say who i think the top 4 is.

1 & 2) Marie & John - PISSED - It's the nature of the beast. Unless you're mother theresa and ghandhi, respectively.

3) Marvin - Pissed but perhaps, more confused.

4) Erik - PISSED because he would think its fun to be PISSED. But perhaps also a little pissed, as well.

Let's all get together and play trivial pursuit, ya'll!

Erik said...

Joe, your list was/is obvious, yes--no need to clarify. I forgot about myself, that's the person who I wasn't counting on your list.

TheDarkerUma said...

Man, did the bullet stop the flow, yo?

I feel like the kid who came to the table and everyone left.

Hello? Anyone there?

jason reade said...

i'm still here uma. me, jason reade. i'm from san diego(poway) and then i moved to park city(there aren't that many mormons there). then i went to oxy. this is definitely me, jason reade. it's not joe pretending, just in case you were wondering. it's jason. and i'm still here.

Erik said...

I want to play trivial pursuit with y'all, except I hear you're all a bunch of cheaters.

Erik said...

Oh my god. I feel like Chazz Palmintero (is that how you spell his name?) at the end of The Usual Suspects when he realizes that Kevin Spacey isn't really Kevin Spacey, he's actually Keizer whatsisname (Soze).

Okay. So let me get this straight. This "Jason Reade" character who has been posting on my blog...is that actually JOE?@!?!?

Because if it IS joe, then I DID call Jason Reade, and he IS pissed.

Erik said...

Uma, you did not stop the flow, yo.

I am still here too.

As is the (possibly fake) Jason Reade.

joe chandler/jason reade said...

i'd really like to play trivial pursuit too. erik it could be the first time you played trivial pursuit with a jason reade imposter.

Erik said...

Okay, not to change the subject or anything, but if you like Arrested Development, then you have to go to this website:


(Thank you to Eric for sending this my way!)

And if you don't like Arrested Development, well, first of all, what's wrong with you? And second of all, what happened to all of the nympho talk? Let's talk about nymphos some more.

Erik said...

you ARE an imposter!

oh, man, this is like that moment at the end of The Usual Suspects and that moment at the end of The Sixth Sense all rolled into one, with that moment in the middle of The Crying Game thrown in for good measure.

Erik said...

I had 26 comments in this thread, and then, like, 2 minutes later I had 45 comments in this thread. How did that happen?

I blame it on Jason Reade.

Erik said...

It's actually probably because I don't only comment on everyone else's comments, but I even comment on my own comments. It's my fault. I'm addicted.

TheDarkerUma said...

only YOU could have a conversation with yourself, on your own post, in the comments section of that said post.

my hat is off to you, sir.

Erik said...

That's true. Thank you. Yes. I love all of you commenters, but if you weren't here, I would continue to comment myself and have my own little conversations. (In fact, there is one comment thread, in the archives, where I did just that--actually, it has a lot of comments in it, and i STILL comment in it, but I am the only person in the conversation.) (And there's also an old comment thread that Bonnie and I keep alive, gloriously.)

Anyway, all of that said, I love all of you commenters, even the ones who are imposters.

Erik said...

I'm so repetitive sometimes. Do I even read my comments before I post them? Who starts off with, "I love all of you commenters," and then finishes off with "Anyway, all of that said, I love all of you commenters," as if it's a new thought?

joe chandler said...

in response to your AD rumor...

the latest i've heard is that it's not going to happen. but what do i know.

Erik said...

Joe, I'm gonna hope that you know NOTHING because I can not let go of the hope that the Showtime rumors are true. So unless David Cross is, like, your uncle, or something, and you just talked to him, and he was, like, "Tobias Funke is no more," then let's keep the faith alive.

Erik said...

I'm feeling nostalgic for the days when this comment thread used to get a new comment every few minutes.

jason chandlereade said...

I've been checking it every 20 minutes all day.

Erik said...

Joe, I wanted to make a Brokeback Mountain joke riffing on the "I can't quit you line" and you and my blog, but then I realized that Brokeback Mountain jokes are kinda last week. So I'm not going to make ANY jokes.

BUT...speaking of Brokeback...and to bring Uma back into the conversation...since she used to work on Spongebob...here is a Spongebob Brokeback parody that isn't nearly as funny as the Brokeback to the Future parody because Spongebob and Patrick REALLY ARE IN LOVE in the cartoon, so there's not much to parody, but still, it's funny and I wanted to put it on my blog but I didn't want to put it in the main section of my blog. Oh, and also, I can't quit this comment section.

Brokeback Spongebob

(via World of Wonder)

TheDarkerUma said...

i worked on spongebob, hence i feel included...

that comment makes me think of Roman who once put in his evite RSVP "insert witty comment here".

it reminds me that i will never be cool. there's a comfort in that and yet the teenager in me still wishes someone like jeff kauffman would say "you have great taste in music, uma".

musings of a darkie whom is being wooed into comment addiction...

Erik said...

Umstra (I have never called you that before), I didn't mean to force you into commenting or anything like that, but I'm glad to hear you're beginning to get addicted. That is my evil plan, after all.

(If you were with me right now, you would hear me laughing like Plankton, except I wouldn't sound anything like Plankton because I'm so bad at impersonations, so you'd be like "why are you laughing so weird like that?")

Bonnie said...

1. It is 2am again. Just sayin'.

2. What is WITH YOU PEOPLE and your 57 freakin' comments?!? WOW!


4. I am PISSED, Erik. You said I would be and dammit I AM!!!!! Oh, man, how pissed I am!!!!

5. Um, what am I pissed about?

6. Speaking of giant labia, I have a story to tell you about an enormous clitoris but you have to ask me to tell you the story IN THE POST OF A BLOG ENTRY and not in comments, so that you'll get lots of Google results on that term too. Deal?


Bonnie said...

Oh, and that can be the new thing you do that day... since you mentioned wanting to pick up the pace on that whole thing. ;)

Anonymous said...

Well, I been workin' and not payin' attention to the blog lately, but the enormous clitoris got my attention. Way to go, Bonnie. Now please tell all.

Uma, it's all about you, and that is as it should be. You rock. (Miss you.)

Erik, you too. (The rock part.)


Bonnie said...

Oh, I'll tell you all about it, PAM! Just as soon as your son asks me to on a blog entry. ;) That way, it'll really help with his search results. ;) Heeeeeee!

Glad to see you again! Keep it real, stay punkass!

Erik said...


Bonnie said...

See what blogging has done to your family?

CoCo linked to you, so I came over here and started being your NBF comment friend. Your mom developed a crush on me. And now... yup. She's just sent you to therapy for a good two years. ;)


*stroking imaginary handlebar moustache* again. ;)

Yay blogging!

Yay clitoris!

Yay punkass mom!

Yay KiKi!

Yay me!

Bonnie said...

OMG, how much do I suck? I said "NBF comment friend" in my last comment????? I suck so HARD!

That's like saying "ATM Machine" or "HIV Virus" or "SAT Test" and you might as well just kill me now.


The horror!