1. Because I heard a random story about some guy who gave up all carbonated beverages and lost 15 pounds like that! (snapping fingers for emphasis)
2. Because I don't drink enough water and maybe this will force me to
3. Because my dad started getting kidney stones when he was 30 or so
4. And I'm turning 29 next month
5. Which means I'm almost 30
6. Which means I'm entering potential kidney stone territory
7. Not that sodas give you kidney stones, that's not what I'm trying to say
8. Or maybe it is what I'm saying. I mean, I could google it, but whether sodas give you kidney stones or not, they certainly don't do anything to prevent you from getting kidney stones
9. Whereas drinking freaking water does prevent it
10. So I'm going to drink more water
11. And less soda
12. I wrote the title of this post before I had actually written any reasons (I just thought that 237 sounded like a nice number) and here I am on "reason #12" and I've actually only listed, like, two real reasons
13. But whatever
14. It's my list
15. When I was 12 or 15 (I can't remember which) (which is alarming, because 12 and 15 are fairly disparate ages) (but my memory ain't what it used to be) (I think I was 12) (or, frig, maybe 13) (anyway) I went to Vancouver with my Aunt Jill and a few of her friends (Jill was competing in the Toughest Cop Alive competition) (because she's rockstar like that) and Jill's friend Cincha was there (I think her real name was Cynthia, but we called her Cincha) (the "h" on my keyboard is being all funky and it doesn't want to let me type the letter "h") (like, I have to REALLY HIT THE "H" HARD if I want it to appear) (and I do want it to appear) (because I don't want to call Cincha Cinca) and Cincha had a kidney stone and it was awful, but thank god we were in Vancouver because Cincha didn't have health care at the time and they have great health care in Canada and they totally got rid of Cincha's stone, but I remember she was in awful pain
16. And my dad has had, like, 20 of them (no lie), some big ones, some not so big ones, but whatever, when you're trying to squeeze a giant piece of calcium out of your peehole, they're all big
17. My dad was telling kidney stone war stories at dinner the other night in Pismo and it was so freaking disgusting
18. Like, really disgusting
19. Like, he kept making hand gestures to prove certain points and I had to refrain from looking at him for fear of anoter disgustingly descriptive hand gesture
20. It was awful
21. And now I'm even more paranoid about kidney stones than I used to be
22. And I used to be paranoid about the tings
23. See, did you see tat? "Tings." And on tis line! "Tat" instead of "that" and "tis" instead of "this."
24. Fucking keyboard.
25. Reminds me of Stephen King's Misery. Have you read that book? I thougt the movie was great but the book was even better, and I remember that in te book the hero was missing an "n" on his keyboard (at least I think it was an "n") and King lets us read several chapters of what the hero was writing, without the "n's" kind of like I'm doing right now inadvertantly witout the "h's"
26. I'm not sure if I'm going to make it to 237 Reasons, that's a lot of reasons
27. But back to Stephen King, does everyone go through a Stephen King period?
28. I was OBSESSED with him for a few years. I read his books non-stop.
29. But then he published Gerald's Game and that was the worst book ever (it was so bad that I cast King aside and stopped reading him entirely) (even though I was freaking OBSESSED) (but the book made me physically ill)
30. And I really can't stand King's column in Entertainment Weekly
31. I forget what I gave up at te beginning of tis post.
32. Oh, right: soda.
33. I wish that giving up soda was somehow beneficial to the environment.
34. I watched about five minutes of Independance Day on TV last night and Bill Pullman, as the President, has this speech about how all of the countries in the world need to band together as a united front against the aliens, and I was like "global warming is the new aliens" because we all need to band together against global warming and freaking ride bikes more and plant trees and recycle and tings like tat, and, as Bill Pullman as the President of the United States goes on to say, (and I'm paraphrasing) "From here on out, the 4th of July won't be known as the day America became free--it will become known as the day the world became free."
35. But who cares how free we are if we're all melting from the rising heat every summer and all of the coasts in the world are disappearing as the water levels of all of the oceans rise and millions and millions of people start to lose their homes and let's start doing someting about it NOW, while we can change things, and then, from here on out, the 4th of July will become known as Eart Day (or, earth day, if I strike my keys really forcefully)
36. Holy crap, I just got really tired
37. And ungry too.
38. And tirsty.
39. I've really gotten off subject.
40. I gave up soda today to see if I could do it
41. I gave up soda today because there's nothing good about it and it's such an addiction
42. I mean, great to have such an innocuous addiction, rigt? But still: there ain't nothing good about it.
43. Who do you think is hotter: Jeff Probst or Anderson Cooper?
44. Jake Gyllenhaal or God?
45. George Bush or Dick Cheney?
46. Soda messes wit your mind. Seriously. I'm all addled rigt now because I usually have at least three sodas a day and I haven't had ANY today and I'm addled. Addled, I tell you!
47. I tagged my initials on a construction site the other night. New Thing #110, boom.
48. Here's a picture:
49. I wasn't the only one tagging. There were actually about twenty of us. I won't name names because I want to protect the innocent.
50. It was awesome.
52. "It was awesome soda." That should be a phrase that means something. Kinda like muggy.
53. Hello fans of Viggo Mortensen!
54. (lots of Viggo Mortensen fans have been reading my blog lately because I went to my friend David's art show tat Viggo produced and then I blogged about it, and some of the Viggo fans found my blog and then they promised to come back occassionally and check how things are going at My Year Of New Things.
55. Y'all (the Viggo fans) are awesome soda. Not "like" awesome soda. You ARE awesome soda.
56. I'm craving chocolate rigt now. The soda desire is fading and now chocolate is calling out to me.
57. I have to go to sleep. I am about to pass out all of a sudden. Maybe I'm tired because my body is used to the caffeine from all of the soda I used to drink (as in, before today) and so now I'm going through withdrawal. (Could I possibly go through withrawal so quickly?) (because it feels awful quick)
58. But my body is SCREAMING for soda.
59. That can't be good. Soda must be a killer. A not-good killer.
60. Did everyone see Superman over the weekend?
61. I did, and I drank SO MUCH SODA during that movie.
62. Actually, that’s a total fucking lie: I think I had fruit punch.
62. Because I knew that I was planning on giving up soda any day now and I was trying to practice.
63. Not that fruit punch is good for you.
64. I mean, it’s probably not good for you AT ALL.
65. Maybe even worse than soda.
66. But back to Superman: I wrote my thoughts about the movie in an older post, but then I was like, “what if no one reads that older post?” and so I thought I’d repeat myself here.
67. Since I’m trying to reach 237, or whatever arbitrary number I’m trying to reach.
68. If anyone is even still reading this right now.
69. They don’t call me Kiki Longpost fer nothin’.
70. Okay, anyway, here’s the thing:
71. First of all, let me preface: I don’t read comic books anymore, but I am a comic book lover at heart.
72. I used to have comic book cases on the walls of my bedroom and I would rotate my favorite comics in and out of the cases.
73. One month I might have featured Batman…
74. Then the next month I might have featured Superman…
75. Then the next month Lobo, then the next month The Justice League, then the next month Grim, and so on…
76. For the most part, I was a DC boy.
77. Sometimes I would buy the X-Men, but it wasn’t because I LIKED the X-Men.
78. Au contraire.
79. It was more because, in the hierarchy of dorks, I felt like dorks who read only DC comic books were lower on the totem pole than dorks who read Marvel comic books, so when I bought Marvel comic books it was mostly to show those higher-echelon Marvel lovers that I could be cool like them.
80. I stopped believing in the Superman comic book after they killed him and brought him back to life.
81. I still believed in Superman, but I didn’t believe in the comic book anymore.
82. I mean, you can’t kill someone and then bring them back to life. You can’t do that to me. It feels cheap. Because if there’s no consequence, if Superman’s life is never REALLY in danger, if you know that if he ever dies he’s just going to be resurrected a couple of issues later, then, well, where’s the drama in that?
83. I just don’t buy it.
84. I mean, you make us go through all of that turmoil, you put us through all of that grief, and then you’re like “just kidding”?
84. So I didn’t buy it: the last Superman comic book I bought was the last issue in the “Death of a Friend” storyline (where all of the heros in the DC universe went through their mourning period).
85. Anyway, all of this is to say that I was a big Superman comic book reader when I was growing up, and I believe a man can fly, and I totally loved the Christopher Reeve movies.
86. And this one…well…I would say I was wildly mixed on it. I mean, okay, yes, for the most part I enjoyed it.
87. Brandon Routh is incredibly charming.
88. The airplane sequence at the beginning is amazing.
89. Whenever Superman saves an innocent random civilian, I got a little bit teary eyed.
90. I believe that the world needs a Superman.
92. Lex Luther throwing a crystal into the ocean? 93. THAT’S supposed to be scary?
94. The thing is, I didn’t think the movie needed ANY of the Lex Luthor stuff. I was so much more engaged when Superman was in Metropolis. When he was on Krypton island with Mr. Luthor, I was sitting there like, “I should have gotten a soda instead of this damn fruit punch.”
95. And Kate Bosworth was terribly miscast.
96. Imagine if Lois Lane had been played by Parker Posey.
97. Now THAT woulda been a Lois Lane I coulda rooted for.
98. I know you’re probably thinking "but she's too old," but, um, Margot Kidder was 32 when she made the second Superman movie and 5 years have supposedly passed between the second movie and this one and Parker Posey is 38, so she's actually kinda the perfect age to play Lois Lane, whereas Kate Bosworth is 26 and I thought she was way too young
99. Especially because she looks like she's 14.
100. I felt like I was watching a little girl play dress up.
101. Did you notice, in the scene where Clark is watching Lois on TV interviewing the woman on the plane—it’s the VERY FIRST TIME we see her—she asks the woman a question and she makes “air quotes” with her fingers.
102. Lois Lane would NEVER make “air quotes” with her fingers.
103. She may be an awful speller, but she does not make air quotes with her fingers.
104. I’m sorry.
105. She just doesn’t.
106. I know that my blogfriend Michael Hartney had a problem with the fact that Superman let the thugs die on Krypton Island, but that didn’t bother me so much.
107. Lois Lane making “air quotes” with her fingers, on the other hand?
109. The crap.
110. Outta me.
111. But back to te Parker Posey thing—I know you're probably also thinking "but she's too snarky," but Lois Lane is SUPPOSED TO BE SNARKY!
112. She's a snarky reporter!
113. Until Supes inevitably melts her heart.
114. And anyone who has seen Party Girl knows that Parker Posey can do the transition from snarky to melty.
115. I'm just saying.
116. (How great is she in Waiting For Guffman?)
117. (So great.)
119. Despite Lex and Lois not doing it for me, and despite the fact that I wasn’t drinking soda during the movie, I still really liked about 50 percent of Superman Returns.
120. I’m drinking Gatorade rigt now.
121. Is Gatorade bad for you?
122. I mean, they say it’s good for you, but is it really only good for you if you drink it after you’ve been really physically active?
123. Like after you’ve run a marathon or won the World Cup or something?
124. But if you drink it on your couch while you’re blogging, then it’s really actually quite bad for you?
125. I’m just wondering because I don’t want to give up soda and then start drinking more Gatorade and find out that Gatorade is, in reality, even worse for me than soda.
126. My favorite soda is Code Red Mountain Dew.
127. That shit is like crack.
128. I’ll miss it.
129. I was having dinner with my dad and my brothers the other day and we were talking about The Contender and how the one boxer who had to quit last season (because he had the chicken pox) is coming back to compete again this season, and then my brother Josh was like “too bad they can’t bring back the guy who shot himself.”
130. And he was so earnest and sad, but there was something about the way he said it that I found really funny.
131. I’m totally going to hell.
132. I was drinking coke at the time.
133. I was actually on my third refill.
133. So I blame the coca-cola.
134. Drinking Coca-Cola Might Make You Find Things Your Brothers Say In True Earnestness (Like Comments They Make About Dead Boxers) Inappropriately Funny
135. That should be a warning label on coke bottles.
136. Have you seen the warning labels they put on cigarette boxes in Canada?
137. Those warning labels are so fucking rock star.
138. They say things like “this pack of cigarettes will probably kill you.”
139. And “this pack of cigarettes could make you impotent.”
140. And things like that.
141. I have a lot of friends who smoke and I hate it.
142. I do.
143. I think it’s disgusting and it makes me sad because I don’t want my friends to get lung cancer and if you smoke it’s seriously inevitable.
144. And it smells.
145. I don’t mean to get on a soapbox or anything.
146. But my biggest pet peeve (in the world) (seriously) is that smokers think they can just throw their cigarette butts on the sidewalk, or out their car windows, like the world is their ashtray.
147. I am SO debbie downer right now.
148. It’s the lack of soda, people. I’m sorry.
149. But still: stop smoking, okay?
150. If I can quit soda, you can quit smoking.
151. The 4th of July is my step-dad’s birthday.
152. He’s 85 now.
153. Happy birthday Joe.
154. I gave up soda because I want to live to see my 85th birthday.
155. I gave up soda because it's so bad for teeth, but I still drink a ton of tea and I was just wondering how safe that is.
156. Okay, #155 was a lie: I googled “I gave up soda because” and I only got ONE GOOGLE HIT and that was what I typed for #155.
157. Not that #155 isn’t a good reason to give up soda.
158. It’s a great reason.
159. I’m doing it for my teeth.
160. Is soda bad for your cholesterol?
161. Probably not.
162. But it SHOULD be!
163. Because if it WAS, then I would be doing a really good thing for my heart by giving up soda.
164. But if I give up soda and lose some weight as a result of giving up the soda, THEN I’ll be doing something good for my heart so it all works out.
165. Hi Joe Chandler.
166. I wonder if anyone is still reading this list?
167. Who do you think is hotter: Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston?
168. I just realized that I think I actually have more straight male readers than gay male readers, so if I’m gonna be like “who do you think is hotter?” then I should give some equal opportunity to the ladies.
169. Or something.
170. Speaking of which, guess whose boobs are these:
(photo to be inserted later) (seriously) (I have a really great photo to post here, but it’s on a different computer) (come back later for your chance to guess)
171. What do you think would be easier: Giving up soda or Finding out the truth behind the Mystery of Jennifer Aniston’s Third Hand?
172. I just had a really great bowel movement.
173. Clean, solid.
174. I wonder if giving up soda will improve my poop!
175. I know that I should have used a question mark in #174, but my fingers really wanted to type an exclamation point because the idea was so exciting!
176. It’ll probably make me tired for a few days.
177. I gave up soda once a few years ago and I had an awful headache for three days.
178. So far I’ve been headache free this time.
179. I really want the whole “giving up soda” thing to stick.
180. Even though I have likened giving up soda to giving up crack cocaine, I would venture to guess that giving up soda is probably easier to do.
181. I’m sorry (Marie, Annie, Steve) that I haven’t blogged about this week’s Fresh Meat yet. I was out of town.
182. I’m craving cake.
183. I think I was craving cake earlier in this list—or maybe it was chocolate.
184. I’m so repetitive and predictable.
185. I just did some more googling and soda is some scary shit.
186. It’s not as scary as global warming, but the fact that soda is terrible for your body is still kinda the “inconvenient truth” of the body.
187. New Thing #111: I went to my first playgroup.
188. Playgroup is this thing where mother’s bring their kids to a big gymnasium so the kids can play with other kids in this huge open space and the mother’s can gab about motherhood together.
189. I’m not a mother.
190. But I went with one of my favorite muthas, Rebecca Gray, and her daughter Marisol.
191. Last week sometime.
192. It was in this huge ginormous gymnasium place and when we walked through the doors I felt like we had suddenly walked into this alternate child world. Seriously, once you go through those doors the children become, like, the rulers of the universe and the mothers quickly look like living, breathing diaper bags.
193. Which is as it should be.
194. I mean, when you’re two-years-old, the world really SHOULD be yours.
195. Hanging out with Rebecca and her beautiful little tyke got my daddy biological clock ticking (just a little bit)
196. I really look forward to being a dad.
197. A dad who doesn’t drink soda.
198. (do you like how I just, very smoothly, worked the soda angle back into this post?) (“a dad who doesn’t drink soda”) (brilliant!)
199. I want either one or two or four or ten children, I haven’t decided yet.
200. I kind of want a husband first, though.
201. (Anderson Cooper, call me.)
202. (I bet Anderson Cooper doesn’t drink soda.)
203. (Have you read about that woman who went to one of Anderson Cooper’s book signings wearing a shirt that said “Anderson Cooper gives me a boner”?
204. (How cool is that woman?)
206. (Anderson had a sense of humor about the shirt, too; he loved it.)
207. (Wouldn’t you, if you were him?)
208. (I mean, come on.)
210. It would have been easier to give up soda in Pismo Beach, where it was colder.
211. I should have given the shit up while I was up there.
212. Oh well.
213. Who do you think is hotter: James Dean or Marilyn Monroe?
214. Bea Arthur or Estelle Getty?
215. I’m totally running out of steam right now.
216. But I can’t! I’m so close to the end of this list!
217. What if I drank a soda right now to help me push through?
218. How sad would that be?
219. And pathetic, it would be REALLY pathetic.
220. It’s too bad they can’t bring back the guy who shot himself on The Contender.
221. I get to take my lei off today.
222. Had you forgotten about the lei?
223. I’ve been wearing it for seven days.
224. Seven days!
225. When people asked me why I was wearing a lei for seven days and I told them it was a dare, I mostly received blank looks.
226. No one really understood.
227. I mean, SOME PEOPLE understood.
228. But a lot of people were like, (sound of crickets)
229. And then I was like, “um…”
230. The lei finally broke this morning.
231. It’s still around my neck, but it’s broken.
232. So thank god I get to take it off.
233. I hate soda.
234. Soda sucks.
235. I am so fucking over soda.
236. Done with it.