a live-bloggin anotha freakin' ep of Fresh Meat

Okay, so I didn’t blog about last week’s episode of Fresh Meat. I watched it while I was in Pismo Beach with my dad and my brothers and we had very shoddy wireless in our hotel room and I didn’t end up live-blogging it while I watched it and I kept meaning to watch it again on my Tivo but then the week just swept me away and I never got to it and I’m sorry.

Anyway, last week on Fresh Meat: because of Wes’ supreme dickosity, he got sent into Exile again and then everyone voted for his Exile Challenger to be Tanya and then Tanya had a major meltdown and sprouted devil horns and basically said shit like, “if you think I was a bitch before, you’ve never seen bitch.” And Tanya was the most maddest at Derrick because apparently they’re really good friends (but I can’t remember ever seeing them speak to each other before) (shifty MTV editors shoulda planted their friendship some more) (unless the “friendship” is all in Tanya’s head) (but I want to believe it isn’t because I actually kinda feel for Tanya and I feel bad that she’s known as the bitch) (even though she does crazy, bitchy things) (I freezeframed my Tivo so I could write this little “last week on Fresh Meat” paragraph and I inadvertently froze it on a frame of Derrick standing looking off in the distance, probably at sultry Diem off camera, and he is so freaking hot) (I want to date, like, Derrick’s gay cousin—come on, Derrick, you’ve gotta have a gay cousin, right?) (oh, but back to Tanya, here’s the thing: I feel like they’re setting Tanya up as the new villain because I feel like Wes’ run is up and he’s finally going to get kicked out in today’s Exile and then they won’t have Wes running around being the lovely asshole that he is and they need drama so they know it’s Tanya’s turn to provide the drama and even though she’s obviously crazy, she might not be so completely crazy in real life) (I’m just hoping some of it’s for the TV drama) (does anyone else out there miss Julie the Mormon? she’s always good for a good fight or two)

Oh man, I thought I was watching a recap of last week’s show, but I was actually watching the last 30 seconds of last week’s show and I love how the editors edited together that footage of Tanya walking away from Derrick in tears (“I need a break, I’m gonna go away!”) and then we see her in the confessional looking all crazy again saying that “the [she says an unintelligible word here] Tanya is going to come out” [it sounds like she might be saying “the ragged Tanya” but that doesn’t make any sense because her demeanor is all threateny, so my imagination is just cycling through all the possible evil adjectives she might have used just now] and then the camera pulls away from a shot of Tanya staring off into the Australian distance and then this guitar riff comes in and we cut to a shot of Tanya crying so hard she can barely catch her breath and then we get some more hard guitar riff as the camera pulls away from her looking at Australia again and then we get a quick shot of her biting her lip and wearing sunglasses now so we can’t see her red eyes and then one last shot of her looking at Australia and boom the episode ends and they’ve certainly set us up for some Tanya nastiness tonight! (I think she might have said “the rat in Tanya is going to come out,” though that doesn’t make all that much sense either, but it does make more sense than “the ragged Tanya”)

Now, on to tonight’s episode:

Okay, now that I’m actually watching the recap of last week’s episode, I remember that Tanya and her partner Johnnie did really well on the challenge “so you know [being sent into Exile] isn’t based on merit and that’s why I’m pissed!” and I also remember that Derrick and Diem blew me away because they were the first team to compete and they had to do this really difficult rope climbing thing and it was agonizing to watch because Diem had a really bad grip on the rope and there was really no reason she should have gotten across the rope—many other teams after them fell, boom, like that—and it totally didn’t look like she was going to make it across, but she fucking worked that rope.

Okay, now the ep is starting. Tina and Kenny are being all sexy and flirty by the pool and then we hear this sound, this buzzing sound, and we cut to Tanya who is staring at them by the pool and we realize that the sound we’re hearing is, like, a swarm of flies, oh my God, Tanya is totally the lord of the flies all of a sudden, she’s just staring at Tina like she wants to absentmindedly kill her (apparently Tina and Kenny didn’t do as well as Tanya and Johnnie did at last week’s challenge and Tanya thinks that Tina and Kenny should have been voted into Exile and maybe if they had they wouldn’t be all sexy and flirty right now, would they? Oh no they wouldn’t, dumb fucking sexy flirts) and now I’m pretty certain that that “Gatorade” cup in front of Tanya is filled with lots and lots of booze and she’s flipping off the camera and telling us that she’s had “animosity” against Tina for the last three years and then Tanya uses the word animosity about three more times and then MTV cuts to some footage from one of the Battles of the Sexes seasons of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge and we see Tanya and Tina yelling at each other and then we cut back to Tanya, now, sitting with Wes, and she says “you don’t understand how crazy I am” and then I feel justified in calling Tanya crazy and I don’t have to feel bad about it anymore because she fully acknowledges her cray crayness.

Tanya has decided that she’s going to win today’s challenge so she can get out of Exile and put Tina in Exile in her place. Of course, she’s telling this to Wes and Wes is looking at her like “you’re a woman, so there’s no way you’re going to win today’s challenge.” I mean, Wes didn’t say that, but you can SO read that on his face, his thoughts are just that transparent. And he’s a misogynistic scumbag, natch. As if to prove my point, Wes totally ignores the fact that Tanya just said she was going to win today’s challenge and he turns the conversation around to himself and says “okay, so if I win the challenge today” (even though he’s never even come close to winning a challenge) “and I put Tina into Exile against you…” and then Tanya is so drunk that she doesn’t realize that Wes has shifted focus from her and her crazy scheme to win today’s challenge and she’s like “I’d fucking love it! I want to be in Exile against Tina! I’d beat her ass!” (I just rewound to hear Tanya’s exact words and before she says what I just said she says [huh?] she says, “I’d beat and her I would love it,” very simply, but she has this totally random accent when she says it—maybe she’s always had an accent and I’ve just never really picked up on it—but I kinda find it endearing right now.

Okay, Wes was just talking about Tanya in metaphorical-speak and he makes no sense at all. Here’s what he just said:

“Tanya is a bomb. She might not have blown up right now, but trust me her wick is getting thin.” Huh?

Cut to Tanya standing by some bushes with an attitude that’s even slicker than her hair, which is suddenly SO SLICK it’s distracting and she’s all cocky because she and Wes have both agreed to vote Tina into Exile if either of them wins the challenge today (even though neither one of them has come close to winning a single challenge thus far) (and have you noticed that Tanya is always talking about how hard every challenge is? it never sounds like she’s complaining, it usually sounds more like she surprised that MTV has put together a strenuous, difficult challenge, which I always find funny because the challenges on this show are ALWAYS difficult and when I’m watching them at home on my couch I’m usually like, “that challenge would kill me.”)

Tanya just told Wes that if he beats Tina in the challenge, she will suck Wes’ toes and Wes could not look more excited. (Johanna, are you watching at home? Did you see the look on your boyfriend’s face? Are you still dating him? LEAVE HIM!)

Later that night, they get a clue about tomorrow’s challenge and little Katie’s like “hey everyone, we got a clue!” and the way she says it (combined with the fact that everyone’s already sitting in the room) it’s obvious that moments earlier the MTV producers were yelling at everyone like, “okay people! stop drinking and having sex just long enough so we can get some footage of little Katie saying that there’s a new clue!”

I want more story development for Derrick and Diem. How is their love blossoming? Instead, we get some romance between Theo and Lynette, who are lying in bed speaking Spanish together and when I say they’re speaking Spanish, they’re actually speaking Spanich, and then suddenly Theo’s wearing rabbit ears and when I say that Derrick’s wearing rabbit ears I mean he’s literally wearing rabbit ears. Lynette’s getting over a long relationship right now and she “wants Theo to respect her,” and as soon as she says that, all of the men in the house start hitting their heads like they’re monkeys and when I say they’re hitting their heads like they’re monkeys THEY’RE SERIOUSLY HITTING THEIR HEADS LIKE THEY’RE MONKEYS. Seriously, people.

We cut to a quick, sad shot of Casey (Wes’ partner) packing her bags. She hasn’t said anything yet in tonight’s episode (mostly because Wes won’t ever shut up) and she’s been in Exile three times already and you can see by the look on her face that she’s pretty sure this is it. (I have this fantasy that she and Wes will be competing in the Exile competition and they’ll be winning and just as they’re approaching the finish line, Casey will stop running and she’ll just stand there and she’ll tell Wes that she isn’t going to cross the finish line because he doesn’t deserve to win because he’s an asshole to women and she’s stronger than he is because she has the power to take this game away from him and that’s it, he’s done, she’s not crossing the line—just, like, this big Fuck You to him.)

Tanya is certain that she’s going to win today.

Oh, now Casey’s speaking! She’s not nervous because she knows that Tanya’s luggage is really heavy (remember, part of the Exile challenge involves running long distances dragging your luggage with you—so the more you packed, the more disadvantage you’re at)

Time for today’s challenge. Basically people have to blow air into these kayaks and then take the kayak somewhere and do something, but they aren’t allowed to get any limbs in the water and if they do then they have to come back to the shore and start over and there are other rules but I didn’t really understand everything TJ just said. Lots of kayak stuff.

Katie and Eric are going first against Shane and Lynette…Oh, ok, they have to collect a flag. Shane and Lynette did really well and Katie and Eric are totally floundering (mostly because Eric is lying down in the kayak and basically, in Katie’s words, “taking a nap”). Okay, after they collect the flag, they have to deflate their kayaks, which Lynette says is “the most difficult part of this challenge!” and I think she’s being a little melodramatic. Then Katie yells at Eric and it looks like this marriage is beginning to go sour (they’ve always seemed so happy together!) and Katie suggests that she and Eric are the worst team and that they deserve to go into Exile. Ouch.

Now it’s Derrick and Diem against Tina and Kenny. Derrick says their strategy is to just “go go go!” and then we see Tina and Kenny falling into the water and now I’m mad because they’re making it look like things are really close between Tinny and Derriem (I just came up with those nicknames) (just now) (am I good, or what?) but if I remember correctly, TJ said that if any limbs touch the water you have to go to the shore and then start all over again. Is Tina’s butt not a limb? Her whole body was just in the water! Make them start over! But he doesn’t and things are neck and neck and then, boom! Derrick and Diem (sorry, I meant Derriem) just deflated their raft and won their heat! Rock on.

Now it’s Coral and Evan against Wes and Casey. Wes, you’re about to get schooled. His strategy is to inflate his raft as little as possible so they can get into the water quickly and of course his strategy doesn’t work and of course his foot gets in the water and of course they tell him he’s going to have to start again and of course he just gives up because, well, wait—Wes—I thought you were going to win this one?

Now we have Tanya and Johnnie up against Darrell and Aviv and it’s Tanya’s turn to shine. She wants to win so she can put Tina in exile. But, well, in Tina’s words, “when Tanya comes into competition, she talks a lot of shit but she can’t back it up.” And, of course, she doesn’t win, and now it’s definitely going to be Tanya vs. Wes in Exile.

The last team to compete is Theo and Chanda and because it’s an odd number of teams they go it alone.

Shane and Lynette win the challenge. Shane’s kinda cute. I never realized that until just now. I only say “kinda” because he’s no Derrick.

Tanya is certain that she’s going to win today…until she finds out that she has to run this race carrying luggage that weighs as much as the luggage they brought with them…which means that Wes is carrying 56 pounds and Casey is carrying 57 pounds, while Johnnie is carrying 106 pounds (!) and Tanya is carrying…147 pounds of luggage (!!!!!!)

Holly crap!

Dammit, Wes and Casey are totally going to win—they’re already sprinting away and Tanya can barely pick up her bags. This is sad. This is awful. I really hope Casey stops before the finish line to teach Wes that lesson. Wes is at such an advantage because he’s done this so many times AND because he apparently packed NOTHING. (Who wants to bet that Tanya and Johnnie are going to forget to grab their flags during the race?)

Wes and Casey are, like, miles ahead of Tanya and Johnnie. Wes and Casey are, like, the Senseis of the challenge. Casey’s like “we don’t even read the directions on the puzzles anymore!” Tanya and Johnnie spend a lot of time at the first puzzle and they totally fuck it up. Cut to Wes and Casey, and they’re…they’re lost?

No, they aren’t lost…they’ve won it…and Casey is ecstatic and even though she hasn’t taught Wes a lesson I at least feel happy for her because I want Casey to be happy (she deserves mucho mucho happiness for being saddled with Wes) and then Wes starts talking about how he’s being nice to Casey and she’s doing better and for a second I start to think that Wes is turning into a better dude, but then he says: “I pretend to be a nice guy, I pretend to be really sensitive, but really I’m just like kaching, kaching!” and he’s completely unredeemable.

Goodbye Tanya. You’re crazy but you should have been here longer. We’ll miss your cray crayness.

Back at the house, Theo just said “I have a freaking big one.” He was talking about his Adam’s Apple, but we all know what he was really talking about.

When Wes and Casey get back to the house, everyone is freaked. They’re starting to feel like Wes and Casey are unstoppable in Exile. They definitely have a huge advantage over everyone else because they’re the only people who know what to expect. Damn them. (Not you, Casey—just Wes.) And…my Tivo just cut out but I think the show was pretty much over anyway. This show is depressing. Too much Wes, not enough Derriem lovin’.