Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Future Kids

I’ve decided that when I have children, I want to name them after Beatles songs. (God, I'm really Beatles obsessed lately.) Which means, assuming my future husband is cool with the idea of naming our tykes after Beatles songs, (and cool with the fact that I either want one kid, or four kids, or nine kids), then when we have kids they will be named one (or four) (or nine) of the following names.


--Eleanor-- (lovely name) (and my friend Eleanor would think that I'm naming my kid after her) (which I would be) (I'd be naming Eleanor after both Eleanors, the song Eleanor and the real friend Eleanor) (and also, whenever we got together with friend Eleanor, friend Eleanor would probably give kid Eleanor lots of extra special attention, and kid Eleanor would feel extra loved) (so that would be cool)

--Honey-- (this is an okay name) (but is it a slutty name?) (no offense to real Honeys out there, I'm just wondering) (I mean, it's a perfectly acceptable term of affection, but as an actual real name...it just seems slutty to me, I don't know why) (maybe it's because Honey comes from the song "Wild Honey Pie" and I don't want to think of my future daughter being anyone's "wild honey pie") (they grow up so quick) (also, I'm not sure if I want the "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" double reference)

--Jude-- (my favorite potential name so far) (and I realize that Jude is probably more often thought of as a boy's name, but I think Jude could go either way)

--Julia-- (julia is an "ocean child," which is nice) (seashell eyes) (that's sweet) (and her namesake song would has a very lyrical, lullaby feel to it) (definitely a potential)

--Lady-- (this one would be weird) (but I kinda like it because it's weird) (but it's also kinda wrong to give your kid a name that you know is weird just for the fact that it's weird) (I had this friend named Apple in elementary school--waaaaay before Gwyneth named her kid Apple--and this one time, when I was, like, nine, I said to Apple, "hey, Apple, do you want to eat an Aaaaapppple???" And she looked at me, crushed, and said: "are you making fun of my name?" and the way she said it--the weight beneath her words--you could feel that so many people had made fun of her name, but she didn't expect that I would ever be one of those people--and the thing is, I was nine-years-old and nine-year-olds are stupid and I WAS making fun of her name in a stupid nine-year-old way, but fortunately there just happened to be an apple sitting on the table, just out of Apple's view, and I salvaged the moment and said, "no, no, I wasn't making fun of your name, I wanted to know if you wanted to share this apple, Apple," and I grabbed the apple and offered her half of it, and whether or not she knew that I was really making fun of her name, she played off like she didn't know, and balance was restored to the world, and I never made fun of a person's name again) (or if I did, I never did it to their face at least)

--Lucy-- (okay, i LOVE this one because Lucy could be named after both "Lucy in the Sky" and Lucille Ball, and it would be pretty cool to be named after both a Beatles song and one of the funniest people ever)

--Madonna-- (not gonna happen) (but if you have six minutes, THIS makes me laugh)

--Martha-- (do parents still name their kids Martha? Or is Martha a generation old? In which case, is Martha due for a comeback? And if so, will Martha be the next Jennifer?) (I'm happy to bring a name back. In fact, I used to joke that I wanted to have a kid and name him Oedipus because the name Oedipus has certainly gotten a bad rap.) (We'd call him Oed, for short, of course.) (But I think, ultimately, I'd be too superstitious to name a kid Oedipus--Oed or otherwise.)

--Michelle-- (I'm definitely a fan of this choice) (because, hello, great song to be named after) (but would Michelle feel compelled to take French in high school?) (because I took French in high school and in retrospect I wish I'd taken Spanish) (but if I tell Michelle to take Spanish, she'll probably take French to spite me) (and then if I tell her to take French, she'll probably realize I'm using reverse psychology on her, and she'll take French) (I should just let her do what she wants and go back to worrying about global warming)

--Miss Lizzy-- (another weird choice, but I must admit I'm tempted) (Miss Lizzy Patterson just has a nice ring) (and in case you need any clarification, when I say Miss Lizzy Patterson, I mean that her first name would be "Miss," her middle name would be "Lizzy," and her last name would be "Patterson")

--Pam-- (I named one of the characters in my play Sick Pamela, so I kinda already feel like I've named one of my kids Pam, and I don't think I could ever double up like that)

--Penny-- (I don't want to name a kid Penny) (I just don't)

--Pepper-- (is "Pepper Patterson" too alliterative?) (my stepmom's name is Patty, and that has a nice ring, but I'm afraid "Pepper Patterson" just might be too "p" heavy) (on the other hand, it does have a ring) (I just realized that I'm assuming my future husband will let our kids have my last name) (hmmmm, that's gonna be a conversation)

--Prudence-- (I would never name a kid Prudence or Chastity, because that's just cruel)

--Rita-- (I love this name, I don't know why exactly, but it's definitely a strong possibility)

--Sadie-- (great name, but probably not the best song to be named after) (it reminds me of The Accused, because there's that one scene where Jodie Foster is in the parking lot and one of the guys calls after her "hey sexy Sadie!") (I watched The Accused with my Grandmother) (WHEN I WAS TEN) (during the rape scene, Grandma told me to "go stir the spaghetti sauce in the kitchen and I'll tell you when to come back in") (that spaghetti sauce got stirred better than spaghetti sauce has ever gotten stirred before or since)

--Vera-- (okay, I actually really like the name Vera) (I knew a girl named Vera when I was a kid and she was very cool) (but also very hyper) (however, I suppose a lot of kids are hyper and I shouldn't assume that hyperactivity is a quality of Veras specifically)


There are fewer boys names in Beatles songs, so I have fewer boys names to choose from.

--Chuck-- (I realize that Chuck is a kind of hard-edged name, but I like the idea of naming a kid Chuck, as in "just Chuck," as in "not short for Charles," as in, simple, "Chuck")

--Dave-- (Vera, Chuck, and Dave really work as a set, so I'm only going to use these names if I end up with, like triplets) (is it possible to have triplets that aren't all the same sex?) (obviously they wouldn't be identical) (but is that even possible?) (is this a really stupid thing to wonder?) (but I do)

--Father McKenzie-- (yeah, I just threw this name on the list because the Boys Names list was so short) (it's not a real choice)

--Jude-- (I prefer Jude as a girl's name)

--Maxwell-- (it would be twisted to name a kid after Maxwell of silver hammer fame) (I mean, Max is a fine name, but Maxwell?) (so...not going to happen)

--Mr. Kite-- (I'm really stretching for boys names here) (as you can tell)

--Mr. Mustard-- (um)

--Pepper-- (I think this one’s unisex, so I’m putting it on both lists) (his or her nickname could be “sergeant” or “sarg”)

--Rocky-- (I'm afraid too many people would assume the kid was named after the boxer) (which isn't a bad thing, per se, but it might be confusing)

--Wally-- (short for Walrus) (geeez, I'd better just have lots of girls, because this Boys Names list is, for the most part, preposterous)


Am I missing any names that should be on my list? There must be a few more names that are mentioned within songs (a la "Vera, Chuck, and Dave") that I'm forgetting.


Anonymous said...

Father MacKenzie! That's awesome! I want a boy and a girl--Ennui and Apathy. "Do you want to go the park Apathy?" "I don't care."
"What are you doing Ennui?" "I'm bored."

Erik said...

Jeremy, that's funny, I can TOTALLY see Ennui as a name. I wonder if it's ever been done.

I remember during high school I was up for some sort of scholarship and I had to go through the interview and they asked me what I thought my generation's biggest problem was and my mind went totally blank--I could not think of an answer--and finally I just said, "um...apathy?" And it wasn't until later that I realized the irony of my response.

Anonymous said...

Since some people consider MY boys' names' weird (Jaben & Kyan), I might not be the best person to listen to... but since I cannot keep my big mouth shut..................

Pepper - LOVE IT! Boy or girl, it's unique and I actually don't mind Pepper Patterson for a girl, because she can marry out of it. But for a boy yeah, might be too much.

Rita - strong, independent sounding name. It sounds good, too... Rita Patterson. Nice.

Jude - a name I considered too. Gotten a bit common for my taste, but still a great name! Nice choice -- Jude Patterson... I'd go boy with this one tho. JMO.

Mr. Kite - drop the Mr, change the spelling. Kyte isn't too bad for a name. Kyte Patterson. Kyte Erik Patterson. See how nice that looks? Or wait -- Kyte Jude Patterson. Like it!!

Erik said...

Rebecca, I like your kids names!

And from my list, I'm leaning more and more towards Pepper. For some reason that one's my favorite right now. And you're probably right that it works better for a girl. I like that Pepper comes with the nickname Pep.

Anonymous said...


and don't people name girl babies McKenzie? But it's kind of Disney channel.

I love Jude and I think it would be really cool to have a girl or boy Jude. Or maybe just name all of them Jude. No, wait.

Name ALL of them Eleanor -- like the Dr. Suess (is it Dr. Suess?) where all of the kids (not really kids because they're more like things) are named the same thing.

And by the way, I will only give special love and attention to your kid if you name her Eleanor. Don't you know it. I know that sounds like a threat, but it was supposed to be more like a bribe. I really want you to name a kid Eleanor.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of baby names, after Alice became a nurse for the elderly geese of her town and James declared himself sole proprietor of a snail circus, Alice decided to confess her perturbed, but honest love to him. James, in turn, asked her to marry him. It was a simple ceremony in the town square, remembered for many years as the wedding with the miniature schnauzer band that lasted till noon the next day after a torrential storm.

They were married for many years and had two daughters and a son named Roy. This confused the children most of the time. They never knew who mom was referring to when asked to take out the trash, so they became known as Roy One, Roy Two and Tom.

(i am sorry. i'll stop now with the stories.)

Gina said...

I heart Max but i HEAT Pepper. Are you kidding me. Pepper Patterson is awesome!

Gina said...

I also LOVE sadie. Love. She can re write the history of what people think of that name.

Erik said...

Eleanor, you actually DO sound very threatening to me.

And you're right, McKenzie is SO disney channel. Which I don't think is necessarily a bad thing. She would probably be very popular.

I can't name all of my kids the same name because if I named all of them the same name it would have to be Johnny and that's not a Beatles inspired name. Do not ask me to explain this. It can't be done.

And finally, I want to reiterate that I found your comment threatening.

Erik said...

Addicted to Carl, I wish there was a Beatles song about someone named Alice, becuause I'm quite fond of that name.

Erik said...

Gina, I am soooo happy you are keeping "heat" alive.

And there's another vote for Pepper Patterson!

Erik said...

Oh, and Gina, I actually LOVE the name Sadie, but if I named a kid Sadie I would have to say that she wasn't named after the Beatles Sadie, because that would just be too weird if she was.

Anonymous said...

Pepper! That is such an adorable name! Pepper Patterson is like Parker Posey, see...not too many P's.

I named my daughter Tuesday. She's in preschool now and when they go over the days of the week all the kids love to scream 'Tuesday!!!' cuz that just happens to be the name of their coolest friend. When she was little I was worried that she would get teased. Adults were already teasing me about it. "Was she born on Tuesday?" "Yeah! I couldn't think of anything else" - Morons!! You know that Lynard Skynard song "Tuesday's Gone"? That's why my husband chose Tuesday.
Anyways, you better hope I don't have anymore kids or I'm taking your name. Watch your back!

Anonymous said...


Would threatening get you to name your kid Eleanor?

Erik said...


i LOOOOOOVE the song "Tuesday's Gone" and that is such a great name. That makes me happy. But I am going to be SO upset if you steal Pepper from me. DO NOT STEAL PEPPER! It's MY kid's name!

Erik said...

Eleanor, I don't think I can ever name a kid Eleanor, because I want to protect the kid from getting made fun of on the playground and such and if I name a kid Eleanor then other kids are always going to be like "Eleanor's Boobies!" And I don't want to put my kid through that.

So don't threaten me.

Anonymous said...

re: honey.

i find that i am really into slutty/stripper girl names. should i ever name a child, someone will have to really restrain me from naming her sugar. i mean, how cute is that? so i have to say, i am behind your wild honey pie 100%. but i'm guessing i've lost my cred on this one and you will be asking someone else.


Erik said...

Lindsay, to take that even further:

What if I just abandoned the Beatles theme and named my first kid Slutty Patterson.

People name their kids "Chastity," so why not "Slutty"???

Anonymous said...

are you making fun of me?

Erik said...

Okay, yes, I was making fun of you, but not maliciously. I actually DO like the name Sugar.

I think I was more making fun of people who name their kid Chastity.

("more making fun of"??? hello, English Minor)

Anonymous said...

Okay, first of all, you're a jerk.

Second of all, screw you.

Third of all, Mr. Kite Patterson is never going to get a huge wedgie, I'm sure.

Fourth of all, I did get picked on as a kid. But what will be cool about your kid is that when she grows up people will be like, "oh, Eleanor, like Eleanor Roosevelt," and your daughter will be like, "um, no! Like Eleanor Rigby! Duh." That'll be fun.


Erik said...

Ok, FINE, eleanor, I'll lay off of "Eleanor's Boobies" for awhile. (That sounds beyond dirty.)

I'm sorry you got picked on as a kid. Did kids know enough about Eleanor Roosevelt to assume you were named after her? Or are you talking about adults assuming you were named after Eleanor Roosevelt? And ARE you named after Eleanor Roosevelt? I always thought you WERE named after the Beatles song? Am I wrong???


Anonymous said...

If I see you in Los Angeles, I'll tell you who I'm named after.

Kids just picked on me because they had never heard of it before (they had never heard of the Roosevelt or Rigby), and my name was too many syllables for Vermonters. They all called me "Elner."

Also, if you make her a Jew then people can call her Jewanor like me.

Erik said...


That's horrible!

christy said...

My picks are Lucy and Walrus. I think they go together as a pair, too.

I love Lucy (heheh) because of Lucy Maude (LM) Montgomery, writer/creator of Anne of Green Gables. And Peanuts Lucy. It's a very versatile name, and will remind everyone of someone positive.

For me, my favorite girls names are (as of this blog comment):

Moire (although I would probably spell it Moira to save her a lifetime of idiots mispronouncing her name)
Rory (possibly as a nickname for "Aurora", which is the most beautiful name ever, and strangely enough my sister and I decided this independently and never talked about it and then got in a huge "fight" when we found out that whoever has a girl first has dibs on the name...)
Nora (can you tell I love the "ra" names? maybe I should just name her "ra") (oh btw my sister's name is Laura so maybe that has something to do with it)

-Janey (also in a lesser-known Springsteen song, but I liked it before that. I dig nicknames as the real name)

-Angelee (I made this one up for a story I made up in college...okay I just said "made up for something I made up")

For boys:

-Jack (just Jack). Jack and Janey go together, too. But I would have to have Jack first for it to work, or twins, because if I had the girl first without the boy and didn't know if I was going to have a boy I'd name her something else, probably.

-Mace (he'd be a badass punk) (but maybe I'd name him "Macy" and then call him "Mace" and that would make him a little less badass and a little more intellectual, and pay homage to my favorite character actor William H. Macy) (even though that is TOTALLY opposite what I just said about the whole nickname as real name thing)

-Chip (back to the nickname as real name) (what's Chip a nickname for anyway, Charles?)

Oh and you can totally have fraternal triplets that are all different sexes...well at least two different sexes.

Rob Kendt said...

From a total Beatles geek, here are some more...

JOAN, ROSE and VALERIE (all from "Maxwell's SH")
MOLLY (Obladi)
MARY ("Let It Be")

DESMOND (Obladi)
LEAR ("Paperback Writer")
BILLY (Shears)
WALTER (Sir Raleigh, "Yer Blues")
and of course

Erik said...

Rob, I've been waiting for a "total Beatles geek" like yourself to dig deep and flesh out my list with more non-titular Beatles name suggestions.

re: your girls names...

ANNA: probably my favorite addition to the list. I like that it refers to a Beatles song AND one of my favorite Counting Crows songs, and I also love that it's a palindrome, but I'm just weird.

JOAN, ROSE and VALERIE (all from "Maxwell's SH"): Okay, now I looooove this song, and I'm cool with naming kids Rose and Valerie (even though they kinda cause a ruckas at the trial, at least they believe in something), but I don't know if I can name a kid Joan because Joan gets it in the head from Maxwell and that's too morbid.

MOLLY (Obladi): this is a good one. And I think this would be a perfectly lovely song to be named after.

LORETTA: I don't think this name gets much play (does it?), which is definitely a reason to give it a go.

MAGGIE MAE: okay, it's a great name, but unfortch, I feel like it's saddled with too much (she's dirty and guilty!)

MARY ("Let It Be"): I think any kid named after "Let It Be" has just gotta grow up into a perfect image of Buddhaness.

re: your boys names...

DESMOND (Obladi): Love, love, LOVE this suggestion, and I particularly like the nickname Desi.

LEAR ("Paperback Writer"): Love this song, and I'm into the Shakespeare reference too, so this is a keeper.

BILLY (Shears): I think I mentioned in an earlier comment that I am a fan of nicknames as proper names, i.e. Billy not being short for William or Bill, Billy just simply being Billy, and so that gets Billy a prominent spot on the list. (Are there any Beatles songs about a "Johnny"??? Because Johnny used to always be my favorite potential kid name.)

WALTER (Sir Raleigh, "Yer Blues"): As far as "Wal" names go, I prefer Wally short for Walrus.

MR. MOONLIGHT: This one seems too hippyish for me. (Which is a totally random distinction because, um, none of the other names on the list are hippyish??? But this is the only one that seems TOO hippyish.)

JO-JO: Again, I love this one because it's a nickname as a proper name.

and of course
DR. ROBERT: Rob, this one's funny, I like the idea of "Dr." being the kid's first name and Robert being the kid's middle name. If he ever actually became a real doctor, his name would be Doctor Dr. Patterson, which makes the name so worth it.

Rob Kendt said...

Oh, forgot to mention: Loretta should probably go in the "indeterminate gender" section, since after all "she thought she was a woman but she was another man," one of McCartney's oddest and most inspired lines. I don't think the lads ever put "Johnny" in a song, though "John" is in the title of "Ballad of John and Yoko" if you really want to stretch your rules.
OK. Geek out.

Erik said...

I suppose naming a kid Johnny could be seen as naming a kid after John himself, which would be the ultimate Beatles tribute, though John is such a common name that I'm not sure anyone would ever realize it was referring to the Beatles--especially if the kid was going by Johnny.

Lennon on the other hand...

And I just couldn't name a boy Loretta, it's too "A Boy Named Sue."

(However, if the kid him/herself is of "indeterminate gender"...)

Eleanor said...

I know that this will be competing with my top choice, but I REALLY REALLY REALLY want you to name a DAUGHTER Billy.

I like boys names on girls. Like dresses on boys. I think it would be so cute to have a girl Billy. Or like a girl Eddie.

Erik said...

I am COMPLETELY a fan of naming a girl Billy.

Ever since writing this post I've become really enamored with the name Pepper Patterson, but when I tell people in real life that I want to name a kid Pepper Patterson I'm mostly getting met with blank stares and then derision.

Eleanor said...

You can name your kid anything you want to, because your kid will be very wonderful and special.

And many decisions that you may make about your child will probably be met with blank stares. So you do what you want!