Saturday, January 06, 2007

The Woman I Want To Come Into

I’m having a slumber party with Urp tonight. After dinner we’re going to get into our pajamas and have pillow fights and put our underwear in the freezer (or maybe not) (because I don’t want to think about her underwear) (and she doesn’t want to think about my underwear) (yeah, the underwear in the freezer thing is SO not going to happen).

We decided to go see a psychic this afternoon (something I would have called a “New Thing” last year, but we’re not really doing the New Thing thing anymore, so I won’t label it) and we spent most of the afternoon walking around Los Angeles, looking for a psychic (we didn’t actually walk that far, but we walked for about an hour, and walking for an hour in Los Angeles is equivalent to walking for about seven hours in New York)—it was remarkably difficult to find a psychic, which was strange because when you’re driving around LA it feels like you see those neon hands in windows everywhere, but we simply couldn’t find one.

Until we did. This strange woman named Mrs. King who operated out of a tiny little beat-up apartment with several bad couches and a wobbly little dog. Who got absolutely nothing right. Like, for instance, when she found out that Urp was engaged (after seeing the ring on Urp’s finger), she pointed at me and asked, “is this your fiancé?” And we were both like, “um, no.”

Still, I thought I would jot down the things she told me, in case any of them come true, I can look back on this post and be like, “wow, Mrs. King wasn’t full of it like we thought,” and then I can go back to her and drop another twenty bucks her way. She really does need a new couch, after all.

Things the palm reader lady told me:

1. I’m confused. (um, not really) (but maybe she was) (just you wait, you’ll see where her “confusion” comes into play a little later down in this list)

2. I’m frustrated. (sometimes, I guess, but I don’t think I’m frustrated enough for that to be one of my defining traits) (oh, and hello, vague and general, right?)

3. I’m a jealous person. (sooooooo not true) (at all)

4. I’ve had two relationships end because of jealousy. (again, not true) (see my response to #3: "sooooooo not true") (not a jealous person)

5. I’m in a lot of pain. (jesus, this psychic really has it out for me) (I have my moments of angst, sure, but I wouldn’t say I’m a walking wound or anything)

6. 2006 was a really bad year for me. (okay, it wasn’t the best year) (the first half of the year was definitely better than the second half of the year) (the stuff in the second half of the year that was “bad” was family stuff that has since settled down, stuff that I would categorize more as “difficult” than as “bad,” and ultimately there was a lot of growth, and good things come out of change, and all that, and I’m sorry I’m being so vague but it’s not bloggable) (and a lot of good things came out of 2006 too) (like the blog, for starters) (so to just say that “2006 was a really bad year,” as a blanket statement, is totally foolish)

7. I want a family. (okay, yes, I do, but she had a fifty percent chance of getting that one right)

8. I’m having problems with a family member whose name begins with the letter “M.” (that’s a no)

9. I’m going to publish a book this year (it might be helpful if I was writing a book) (and the only reason she even knew I was a writer is that I told her: “I’m a writer.”) (but maybe I should write a book this year and get it published so she can be right about at least one thing)

10. A woman whose name begins with the initial “D” will help me out in my career this year. Someone who I haven’t met yet. (Okay, cool, I’ll look out for her.)

11. I am going to make a lot of money this year. And when I do, I should come back to her and buy another palm reading. (She actually said I should do this.) (And hey—if I do make a lot of money this year, I’ll give Mrs. King another run.)

12. I will find true love this year. (Sounds great, but wait for it) (this is what I was talking about when I said that she was “confused”)

13. I will find true love this year. With a woman. (there we go) (Grandma will be so excited)

14. Or, to use her exact words: “You will find the woman you want to come into this year.” (Um, could you repeat that?)

15. Again, with her thick Armenian accent: “You will find the woman you want to come into this year.”

And then she kept going on and on about how I was going to find my woman this year, and Urp and I kept trying not to laugh, and she finally finished her reading and we paid her and we left—quickly—and as soon as we got outside we both burst into laughter.

But as we walked back to Urp’s house, I think I had a little more bounce in my step because now I know this is going to be my year. The year I’m going to find the woman I want to come into. I’ll let you know when I find her.

12 comments:

TheDarkerUma said...

ahhhh, i always knew you were straight!

i guess you are just not partial to darkies.

c'est la vie!

Anonymous said...

ROTFLOL! That so rocks!!!!!

drc said...

I could be #10...We haven't met IRL, and my name starts with a D!

Erik said...

Oh Urp, Urp, Urpma,

If I'm straight, then you're having 3...okay, I won't say it.

(grain of salt)

Erik said...

Rebecca, it was indeed a very funny psychic experience.

Erik said...

DRC, we'll see if it's you! That would be exciting!

christy said...

well duh, there's your book!

Emily said...

I once went to a psychic who looked and talked like she was some sort of Christopher Guest-inspired parody of those gypsy crystal ball types you see on TV. Just about the time she wiggled around her fingers, complete with excessive rings and long nails, and instructed me to concentrate, I began laughing so hard and for so long, she actually gave me back my money and asked me to leave.

Anonymous said...

Emily, I love the image of you buckled over in out-of-control laughter. And she gave you your money back! She must have been PISSED. So funny. And I looooove the image of her "excessive rings and long nails"--I think maybe she might be the same woman who I did my driver's test with at the DMV for my license, back in the day.

--erik

Anonymous said...

oh my god i am so annoyed at blogger. i think i'm going to have to transfer my blog over to the new version, but i'm afraid of losing all of my past comments and if you know me you know how crazy that would drive me (but i suppose you just have to live and let live) (but aaaaahh), but ever since they did "maintanance" today (is that how you spell "maintanance"??) I haven't been able to log into my blogger "identity."

Anonymous said...

Oh, and this is probably late, but I just looked at my "stat counter" and sooooo many people came over to my blog from Sheila's blog. HELLOOOOO, all of Sheila's readers! And thank you for the linkage, Sheila--very cool.

--erik

Anonymous said...

Hilarious!

I went to a psychic before I got married, while I was in college. I wanted a tarot reading. I had just started reading tarot myself and thought it'd be nice to see a "pro" do it. She wasn't a pro. And she wanted 70 bucks. All I had was a 20 that I was supposed to use for dinner for the fam. She pretended to read my aura for free, but I think gave me a shitty read because I couldn't pay her.

She told me the guy I was troubled over was not the one for me. Same guy is my beloooved husband now. I'm more pshychic than that woman.