New Thing #89: Live-blogging MTV's Fresh Meat

The Real World/Road Rules Challenge is the best thing ever. (Notice how I didn’t say it was the best “TV show” ever—that’s because it’s simply the best thing ever, uncategorized.) (Like, I’ll go so far as to say that it’s even better than chocolate.)

Now, I Tivo’d the premiere episode last night and I didn’t watch it because I had to get up super early to go sub for a high school biology class (which wasn’t too bad) (I was bummed that we didn’t get to watch any videos on evolution, but it wasn’t too bad) (one of the kids told me I was the best substitute ever after I told her it was okay to work on homework she had from another class) (and being told I’m the “best substitute ever” was pretty much what I aspired for when I began subbing, so now I guess I don’t have any more mountains to climb) (it was really easy to become “the best substitute ever”) (much easier than I thought it would be) and so I waited until today to watch “The Challenge,” as MTV is now simply calling it, realizing that “The Real World/Road Rules” is a mouthful.

I’ve never live-blogged a television show before (and I realize it’s technically not “live-blogging” because the show was on last night and I’m watching it on Tivo, but it’s still “live” to me, and I’m gonna sit here and type while I’m watching, so that’s essentially “live-blogging,” right?) and I’m gonna give it a go right now.

--okay, I love the picture they use of Tanya in the opening credits. In all of the previous challenges, she’s pretty much hooked up with every non-gay male in every single competition, yet (I think) she’s always maintained that she’s “not a whore”—but look at her in the opening credits for the new season:

(OKAY, I WAS GOING TO POST THE AMAZING PICTURE OF TANYA HERE, BUT FOR SOME REASON BLOGGER WON'T LET ME POST PICTURES RIGHT NOW, SO I'LL HAVE TO POST THE PICTURE LATER)

(SUCCESS! PICTURES ARE FINALLY POSTING!) (I AM LEAVING THESE NOTES ABOUT THEM NOT POSTING, JUST BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT)

I can’t tell if this moment was staged (“Hey Tanya, we want you to pose for us in your red lingerie with a cigarette dangling out of your mouth!”) or if it’s just the brilliance of Tanya being Tanya caught by MTV’s brilliant camera crew (which seems more likely because all of the other shots in the opening credits are candid moments).

--okay, so TJ Lavin, the host, has just told us what this season’s hook is: “for the first time ever, twelve eager new faces are going to join the competition, young naïve hopefuls who think they have what it takes to battle it out with our gang of awesome, drunk, slutty, amazing old-timers. To the sharks in this game, these new faces are Fresh Meat.” (some of that was me paraphrasing)

--Now old-timer Theo’s all mad, asking “who are these people?” And then being all “it’s not like I come to their job and try to out-do them, it’s not like I go to Starbucks and try to out-latte them,” which is a brilliant quote because I love that Theo has admitted that competing on trashy MTV reality competitions shows IS HIS FULL-TIME JOB.

--oooo, twist! I assumed that it was going to be the twelve old-skoolers vs. the twelve new MTV wannabes, but TJ Lavin just told us that it’s going to be twelve teams of two! Each MTV old-skooler gets to pick a member of the opposite sex from the batch of “fresh meaters” to be their team partner! (How embarrassed should I be that this show gets me THIS excited?) (On a scale of 1 to 10?) (Should I be embarrassed at 8?) (9?) (10???) (Whatever, I am not embarrassed.) (There is a time and place for trash, and trash deserves some love too.) (NOTE—derrick, in case you ever read this—I am not calling any of the competitors “trash,” I’m simply calling the show “trash.”) (And, well, maybe Tanya.)

--Okay, does anyone else (as if all of you are watching this “live” right now, with me) find it weird that there’s a girl named “Ev” and a boy named “Evan” and that “Ev” and “Evan” are the first two Fresh Meaters picked? That just seems weird to me. It’s like when you meet a lesbian couple named Jan and Jan and you’re like, what are the odds of two women named Jan meeting each other and falling in love?

--Girl Ev is really cocky. I predict a major fall.

--whoa, the winning team (of two) gets $250,000! Usually the winning team gets, like $60,000 and they have to split it between, like, 6 people. Just like Tina just said, “that’s a lot of money, y’all!” (She actually said “y’all.”) (Which really sold the line, in my opinion.) (Because obviously it’s a lot of money, but by adding the “y’all,” it felt like it was even more money than it is because $250,000 would be a lot of money to any of us, but to someone who uses the word “y’all” it’s practically 250 trillion dollars, or something!)

--okay, Mohawks are super hot, but Wes’ Mohawk looks supremely dorky.

--I love that the old skoolers still get excited when they see where they’re going to be living, as if they didn’t know that this time the y were going to live in an amazing house.

--I cannot believe that Wes and Johanna from Austin are dating and that Melinda and Danny from Austin are still dating. Melinda just said that “the drama hasn’t hit the fan yet,” and maybe she hasn’t seen her season of The Real World: Austin, but, um, if she thinks that “the drama hasn’t hit the fan yet” after literally crying for three months because of all of the crap that she and Danny were going through, then I cannot wait for the drama to start hitting the fan. (Um, and I love that she says “the drama hasn’t hit the fan” instead of “the shit hasn’t hit the fan.”)

--wow, 18-year-old Ev just said that “these aren’t the smartest people in the world” and that she’s “pretty much calling the shots in this game.” She is SO in for a major fall, it’s not even funny!

--Wes just called his Fresh Meat partner “basically athletically worthless” (way to build up team moral, Wes! She hasn’t even competed in a single challenge yet and you’re calling her “basically athletically worthless”!) (I don’t know her name yet, but I feel really sad for her.) (The look on her face is like, “I didn’t know I was worthless…” (So sad.) (Ohhhhh…sad….and she just said that “there’s a part of me that feels like I’m in way over my head,” which means that she totally is and she’s in for a major fall.) (But who will fall first? Basically Athletically Worthless Girl or Ev?)

--Derrick is such a bad boy! (And I am such a twelve-year-old girl!) Look at him:

(I AM SERIOUSLY ANNOYED AT BLOGGER.COM FOR NOT LETTING ME POST PICTURES RIGHT NOW) (BUT PRETEND THAT THERE IS AN AWESOME PICTURE OF DERRICK RIGHT HERE AND THEN COME BACK LATER FOR THE REAL DEAL) (It's imagination time!)

(Wait, stop using your imagination!) (Photos are working again!) Now look at Derrick:

This picture is, like, straight out of Star Wars or something.

--OKAY, the first challenge is to walk across a plank off this building that’s, like, 500 stories high, while being tied tied back-to-back to their partner, and whoever has the quickest time wins. If I was competing in this challenge, I would so fall off the plank and die, and Tanya would so laugh at my dead body. Back in reality, Tanya’s team is first. She is freaking out.

--I’m sad that the cute new Fresh Meater guy is teamed up with Melinda because people are going to team up against all of the Austin kids and he’s not long for this game, unless they can successfully keep their alliance. Which they so can’t.

--Derrick did the challenge without any problems. Rock on Derrick.

--I miss Mormon Julie. She’s always good TV.

--Ev’s team came in fifth place. It doesn’t look like she’s “calling the shots” yet.

--the Basically Athletically Worthless Girl is “trying so hard not to cry right now” because her team has been selected to go into “exile” tomorrow against another as-yet-undetermined team. The rules of this game are so complicated I’m not even going to attempt to explain them well, but basically at the end of every episode two teams have to compete against each other in a final challenge and the loser goes home. Basically Athletically Worthless Girl is so on the chopping block all of a sudden…

--Wes is trying to expand his Austen alliance to include Tanya. Smooth move Wes. She’s a crazy hoor, if you haven’t watched any of the previous Challenges. And she’s already feeling like you’re playing her. She is so not going to join yer alliance. “I don’t like to be manipulated and lied to,” as she just told Tina, who replied “this is a lying and cheeting game!” (Except she said “cheating,” not “cheeting,” I’m just leaving that typo because I like typos.)

--I called it. I knew that either Ev or Basically Worthless Girl was in for a major fall very soon! And one of them is going home! Because Ev and Basically Worthless Girl both just happen to be teamed with the two boys from Real World: Austen and the rest of the Challengers just voted Ev and her Austen boy (Danny) into the Exile Challenge against Wes and Basically Worthless Girl.

--ooooo, the Austen kids hate each other right now. I cannot believe I am “live-blogging” this. Yer IQ is so going down, like, exponentially as you read this.

--okay, they’re about to start the next challenge, where, if one of the Austen teams wins, then they won’t have to go to the Exile challenge, (I told you, the rules in this game are really complicated) so Ev and Basically Worthless Girl’s fates are totally hanging in the balance right now. If I was Melinda, I might say something about how “the drama is about to hit the fan.” But I’m not Melinda, so I’ll just say that shit is about to fucking go down, motherfuckers.

--Ev and her Austen boy Danny just got knocked out of this non-elimination challenge, which means they are definitely going into the Exile Challenge. Ev, I can smell your defeat from here. You so should not have said that thing about how you were calling the shots in this game!

--Wes and Basically Worthless Girl just got knocked out of the challenge, which means they’re going head to head with Ev. Poor girls. They’re totally victims of everyones hatred of the Austen crew.

--Whoa! Another twist! The rest of the challengers don’t get to watch the Exile Challenge! They have to say goodbye to Ev and Basically Worthless Girl right now because one of them is not coming back to the house!

--Well, MTV just showed a promo for next week’s episode and now I totally know who’s going to be losing the Exile challenge and let me just say right now…maybe Basically Worthless Girl ain’t so basically worthless afterall! Good-bye Ev!

--So the challenge is basically this: they have to run a race while carrying the luggage they brought with them to Australia (did I mention that this is taking place in Australia?). And now I can see why Basically Worthless Girl stays and why Ev is about to go home. Because even though Basically Worthless Girl’s luggage weighs ten pounds more than Ev’s luggage, Ev’s Boston boy Danny’s luggage weighs as much as Wes and Basically Worthless Girl’s luggage COMBINED! What the frig did Boston boy Danny pack??? Bricks?

--OMG, Ev just explained that Danny let his girlfriend Melinda pack a lot of her clothes in his bag, that’s why it’s so freaking heavy. Holly cow.

--The race is neck and neck…

--Back at the house, Melinda really wants Danny to come back…but here comes a car…it’s Wes and Basically Worthless Girl! Uh-oh, Melinda’s crying now, maybe the drama is about to hit the fan.

--They’re flashing back now and showing us the moment when Boston boy Danny and Ev finally reached the finish line, ions after Wes and Basically Worthless Girl got there. Ev’s really upset: “I just feel cheated about what happened. The fact is…we got screwed.” Um, yeah, that’s what happened.

--Man, now Ev’s crying and I feel bad for Ev. But she shouldn’t have said that she was running this game.

--Okay, Basically Worthless Girl just became my favorite person in the game. She and Wes decided that they wouldn’t tell the other Challengers what the Exile Challenge was like—they want to keep that advantage to themselves and trip everyone else up—so now they’re making up all of these stories about what the challenge was like to mess with people’s heads—and Basically Worthless Girl is like “…and there was, like, a box, and there was kangaroo sack and kangaroo tongue and kangaroo balls…and it tasted kinda like jerkey with, like, a nice, like, oozy ooz to it.” She ROCKS. She is so not basically worthless. She deserves a real name now. It’s Casey.

--Melinda feels like she’s “lost Danny forever.” Now I hate Melinda. You’re going to see him, in, like, two weeks.

--whoa. In the scenes they just showed from the next episode, they show Derrick’s Fresh Meater partner crying and saying that she wants to do “everything physical now because I might not ever be able to do anything physical ever again.” Scary. That sounds like real drama, not MTV drama.

--I cannot believe I just “live-blogged” the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. New Thing #89.