Part One: (clink me)
Part Two: (clink me)
And then come back here for Part Three, in which I go straight to the source, the movie that set this whole debate in motion, yep:
I saw Friends With Money tonight.
Okay, so I haven't been to the movies in a really long time. I'm usually someone who goes to the movies at least once a week, if not five times a week, but I haven't seen a movie since I saw Stick It, which was way back on Mother's Day, which was eons ago. (What was it really? Two weeks ago? That's a hella long time for no movie-going.) So, tonight at, like, 7:30 pm, I started to feel withdrawals, and I ran to my computer, typed in Fandango, and prayed that something would be starting in the next 15 minutes that I could rush out to see. (Have you ever noticed that movies all seem to start at 7pm and then 9pm or 10pm, but movies never start at 8pm?) (What the fuck is up with that?) (When I typed the words "have you ever noticed" just now, I kinda felt like I was Jerry Seinfeld.) (Because he begins his routines like that.) (Why did I feel it was necessary to explain why I felt like I was Jerry Seinfeld?) (I mean, it was obvious, but I still felt the need to explain.) (Back to the movie thing, though: I always want to go to the movies at 8pm and movies never start at 8pm and it really ticks me off.) (When I am king of the world, there will always be an 8pm start time for every single movie at every single freaking theater.) (Life will be bliss.) So was on Fandango, and I didn't want to see the new X-Men movie because, well, I just didn't. (I don't really care enough to stand in lines for an X-Men movie on opening weekend.) (Maybe I'll see it in, like, a month, just because I like to see everything, but as I noted earlier, I don't see nearly as many movies as I used to see, and so even though I would like to see the new X-Men movie one day in order to cross it off the list of "movies I haven't seen," there are still so many other movies in the theaters that are way higher on the list, so I probably won't be seeing it in the movie theaters.) And I couldn't go see Mission Impossible III, even though everyone who I know who has seen it has loved it, I just can't see it because I refuse to spend money on another Tom Cruise movie until he gets over himself. And I was scrolling through all of these other movies and none of them were really jumping out at me when I suddenly saw that Friends With Money was starting in ten minutes (at 7:40pm) and I got really excited and dashed away from the computer, to the car, and headed off to the theater to see Friends With Freaking Money.
Because after all of the blogging I've done about that dang picture (above), I had see the movie. If not because I actually really love Nicole Holcefner's other two films (Walking and Talking; Lovely and Amazing), but also because I needed to analyze Scott Caan's hands so that I could decide for myself whether or not his hand could feasibly be the mystery hand in the Friends with Money Sundance Portrait Photo.
Before the movie started, they showed a preview for the movie An Inconvenient Truth, which kinda gave me the chills, especially after spending the day as a substitute teacher for a biology class (I'll blog about that later) and totally becoming Ross Geller by the end of the day (I swear--at the beginning of the day, I was like, "I have to sub for blah-oligy?" and we were supposed to watch a video about evolution, which sounded even more blah, but the video was amazing, and so interesting, and now I kinda want to become a biologist, and then by the time second period rolled around and kids were coming into class, they were like, "we have to watch a video--how boring!" and I was like, "it's the most amazing video ever! Seriously!" And with absolutely no irony: "I'm the lucky one who gets to watch this video four times today--you guys should only wish you were so lucky.") and I've already gone to the movie's website and pledged to see it on opening weekend.
So then the movie started and I suddenly realized: I need to be taking pictures of this. I mean, I was so excited to finally be seeing the movie, and it was such a last minute plan, that this was the first moment when I was like, hello, I need some pictures of Scott Caan's hands from the actual film. So I got out my camera phone and I started snapping pictures.
Now before I begin to analyze the photos, I would like to explain why there are so few of them. I totally planned on taking pictures during the entire film and having photographic evidence from more than just the first ten minutes, but right after Scott Caan's first big scene ended, I felt a tap on my shoulders. It was the manager of the movie theater.
"Excuse me, sir."
"Um, yeah? Are you talking to me?" (I didn't actually say that. I didn't actually say anything. I just looked at him, as if to say: I know what you're about to say and please don't ruin this moment for me and my blog readers. This is an important thing I'm doing. I'm documenting Scott Caan's hand. You may not realize the civic duty I'm performing right now, but it really is a civic duty, and I just wish you'd understand. But you're "the man" and I can see by the look on your face that you're about to shoot me down. So just do it. Just get it over with and do it. Shoot me down. Fine. I dare you.) (The look I gave him was really fraught with emotion.)
He didn't read much into the look. I suppose the movie theater was dark, so maybe he didn't really see the look that well. Anyway, after he said "excuse me," he continued:
"Are you recording the film?"
"Oh my god, no. Totally no."
I didn't even think that I would look like a movie pirate, sitting there with my camera phone in front of my face, pointed at the screen, and I suppose taking pictures of the movie is technically pirating, but I wasn't taking moving pictures of the movie, and I have no intention of selling these pictures, they're for my blog for crying out loud, they're for the investigation! So I was really relieved when he asked if I was recording the film, because I could legitimately say no. For some reason, he didn't believe me. He continued:
"Because we're against piracy and we're going to have to ask you to put your phone away."
I couldn't really argue with him and I didn't want to be kicked out of the movie, so I put my phone away. Anway, I wish I could say that's the first time I've gotten into a scuffle with a manager at a movie theater, because then it would have been a New Thing, but it was the first time I've been accused of pirating a movie, so I'm going to claim that as my New Thing for the day. New Thing #86: I was accused of trying to pirate Friends With Money.
Now, on with the pictures. The proof. The photographic evidence.
(But first, an apology for the photos. They're really bad and oversaturated, but I suppose that's to be expected when you're taking photos of a movie screen with your phone.)
(Oh, and also, before I analyze the photos, I'd like to mention that I really loved the movie and I thought that Jennifer Aniston was particularly good in it. I've always loved her, and I thought she was great on Friends, but after seeing her in several movies I was beginning to buy into the whole "maybe she's just a TV actress and not really a movie star" thing--especially after seeing that god-awful Rumor Has It--but after seeing Friends With Money, I'm back on the Jennifer Aniston bandwagon.)
Scott Caan is not in the above photo. Nor is his hand. Nor is Vince Vaughn's hand or any other mysterious hand that might be following Jennifer Aniston around. (In fact, I didn't notice any stray hands throughout the course of the entire film, so I don't have any more flames to add to the "Jennifer literally has a third hand" theory fire.) But I wanted to post this picture because it has most of the players from the infamous photo. Of course Nicole, the director, is missing, and Francis McDormand is standing in for Greg Germann (Greg, if I have just misspelled your last name, please accept my apology, I am trying to write this post in a timely manner so I can get to bed and I'm not in the mood to google your correct spelling) (so I'm just going to hope it's right) ("not in the mood to google?" you gasp!) (i know, Greg, it's completely unlike me). And Scott Caan is missing, like I said, and so is the hand. But most of our cast of characters is represented in this photo. (Including Simon McBurney, who apparently has lots of people googling him and coming to my blog as a result.) (I've gotten two hits from "Jennifer Aniston" searches and I've gotten, like, ten hits from "Simon McBurney" searches.) (Which means one of two things: either Simon McBurney gets more google searches than Jennifer Aniston, or my blog is so low on the list of hits you get when you search "Jennifer Aniston" that no one ever gets to my blog when they search her, and there are comparitively very few hits that come up when people search Simon McBurney and so my blog is much higher in those searches and therefore more clicked.)
Okay, right before I took this photo, Scott Caan totally had his hand in clear view of the camera, and then just as I was snapping (with my very slow camera phone) he moved his hand over to his chin. Damn him.
Okay, he did the same thing here. He was gesticulating with his right hand (the hand in question) and as soon as I took a picture, the hand was out of frame again. Double damn him.
Okay, we don't see any hand in this photo, but we do see arm, and lots of it. Scott appears to have a really long arm. Which you might use to argue that his arm is long enough to get all bendy and twisty and foldy and to get itself into such a position where his hand might look like it was coming out of Jennifer Aniston's crotch area and completely separate from his own body, but I've got long arms too, and when I tried to recreate the pose, my arm couldn't get nearly as bendy and twisty and foldy as you people who think it's his hand say his arm got, leading to this whole controversy, which makes me thing that it, therefore, is not his hand in the Sundance photo, because such a long arm can't really get that twisty. (Did that sentence make ANY sense AT ALL?)
Now here's where I start to think that Scott Caan's hands have minds of their own. But not just any minds: evil minds. And not just any old evil minds, but evil minds with wicked powers. Because as hard as I try to take pictures of these hands, they inevitably jump out of frame just as I'm taking the photo. Which I can accept as pure coincidence the first few times it happens, but then when it keeps happening, I start to suspect foul play. Moreover, I understand that my camera phone is not the ideal piece of equipment for photographing a movie screen, but this saturation thing is getting out of control. I mean, Scott Caan's hands were clearly in frame for this photo, but then they got whited out through all of that saturation. And I don't think it's the camera's fault. I think the hands did it. I think the hands are mad at me.
The money shot! Finally, I got a clear picture (okay, mostly clear--some of it is obscured by that bottle of Rolling Rock) of Scott Caan's right hand.
And this is where things get weird. Because I have been looking at the above photo for a while now. And I've been comparing it to the original Sundance photo. And I just don't think they're the same hand. Scott's hand in the movie looks longer than the hand in the Sundance photo. It looks like...
Check it out!
So, at this juncture in the investigation, I think we can safely conclude two things:
1. The mysterious hand in the Sundance photo does not belong to Scott Caan,
2. Scott Caan and I have the same hand!