Friday, May 26, 2006

Probing Deeper into the Ongoing Saga of Jennifer Aniston's Third Hand (& NT#86)

If you don't know what I'm talking about in the title of this post, well, then you should go read:

Part One: (clink me)
and
Part Two: (clink me)

And then come back here for Part Three, in which I go straight to the source, the movie that set this whole debate in motion, yep:

I saw Friends With Money tonight.

Okay, so I haven't been to the movies in a really long time. I'm usually someone who goes to the movies at least once a week, if not five times a week, but I haven't seen a movie since I saw Stick It, which was way back on Mother's Day, which was eons ago. (What was it really? Two weeks ago? That's a hella long time for no movie-going.) So, tonight at, like, 7:30 pm, I started to feel withdrawals, and I ran to my computer, typed in Fandango, and prayed that something would be starting in the next 15 minutes that I could rush out to see. (Have you ever noticed that movies all seem to start at 7pm and then 9pm or 10pm, but movies never start at 8pm?) (What the fuck is up with that?) (When I typed the words "have you ever noticed" just now, I kinda felt like I was Jerry Seinfeld.) (Because he begins his routines like that.) (Why did I feel it was necessary to explain why I felt like I was Jerry Seinfeld?) (I mean, it was obvious, but I still felt the need to explain.) (Back to the movie thing, though: I always want to go to the movies at 8pm and movies never start at 8pm and it really ticks me off.) (When I am king of the world, there will always be an 8pm start time for every single movie at every single freaking theater.) (Life will be bliss.) So was on Fandango, and I didn't want to see the new X-Men movie because, well, I just didn't. (I don't really care enough to stand in lines for an X-Men movie on opening weekend.) (Maybe I'll see it in, like, a month, just because I like to see everything, but as I noted earlier, I don't see nearly as many movies as I used to see, and so even though I would like to see the new X-Men movie one day in order to cross it off the list of "movies I haven't seen," there are still so many other movies in the theaters that are way higher on the list, so I probably won't be seeing it in the movie theaters.) And I couldn't go see Mission Impossible III, even though everyone who I know who has seen it has loved it, I just can't see it because I refuse to spend money on another Tom Cruise movie until he gets over himself. And I was scrolling through all of these other movies and none of them were really jumping out at me when I suddenly saw that Friends With Money was starting in ten minutes (at 7:40pm) and I got really excited and dashed away from the computer, to the car, and headed off to the theater to see Friends With Freaking Money.

Because after all of the blogging I've done about that dang picture (above), I had see the movie. If not because I actually really love Nicole Holcefner's other two films (Walking and Talking; Lovely and Amazing), but also because I needed to analyze Scott Caan's hands so that I could decide for myself whether or not his hand could feasibly be the mystery hand in the Friends with Money Sundance Portrait Photo.

Before the movie started, they showed a preview for the movie An Inconvenient Truth, which kinda gave me the chills, especially after spending the day as a substitute teacher for a biology class (I'll blog about that later) and totally becoming Ross Geller by the end of the day (I swear--at the beginning of the day, I was like, "I have to sub for blah-oligy?" and we were supposed to watch a video about evolution, which sounded even more blah, but the video was amazing, and so interesting, and now I kinda want to become a biologist, and then by the time second period rolled around and kids were coming into class, they were like, "we have to watch a video--how boring!" and I was like, "it's the most amazing video ever! Seriously!" And with absolutely no irony: "I'm the lucky one who gets to watch this video four times today--you guys should only wish you were so lucky.") and I've already gone to the movie's website and pledged to see it on opening weekend.

So then the movie started and I suddenly realized: I need to be taking pictures of this. I mean, I was so excited to finally be seeing the movie, and it was such a last minute plan, that this was the first moment when I was like, hello, I need some pictures of Scott Caan's hands from the actual film. So I got out my camera phone and I started snapping pictures.

Now before I begin to analyze the photos, I would like to explain why there are so few of them. I totally planned on taking pictures during the entire film and having photographic evidence from more than just the first ten minutes, but right after Scott Caan's first big scene ended, I felt a tap on my shoulders. It was the manager of the movie theater.

"Excuse me, sir."

"Um, yeah? Are you talking to me?" (I didn't actually say that. I didn't actually say anything. I just looked at him, as if to say: I know what you're about to say and please don't ruin this moment for me and my blog readers. This is an important thing I'm doing. I'm documenting Scott Caan's hand. You may not realize the civic duty I'm performing right now, but it really is a civic duty, and I just wish you'd understand. But you're "the man" and I can see by the look on your face that you're about to shoot me down. So just do it. Just get it over with and do it. Shoot me down. Fine. I dare you.) (The look I gave him was really fraught with emotion.)

He didn't read much into the look. I suppose the movie theater was dark, so maybe he didn't really see the look that well. Anyway, after he said "excuse me," he continued:

"Are you recording the film?"

"Oh my god, no. Totally no."

I didn't even think that I would look like a movie pirate, sitting there with my camera phone in front of my face, pointed at the screen, and I suppose taking pictures of the movie is technically pirating, but I wasn't taking moving pictures of the movie, and I have no intention of selling these pictures, they're for my blog for crying out loud, they're for the investigation! So I was really relieved when he asked if I was recording the film, because I could legitimately say no. For some reason, he didn't believe me. He continued:

"Because we're against piracy and we're going to have to ask you to put your phone away."

I couldn't really argue with him and I didn't want to be kicked out of the movie, so I put my phone away. Anway, I wish I could say that's the first time I've gotten into a scuffle with a manager at a movie theater, because then it would have been a New Thing, but it was the first time I've been accused of pirating a movie, so I'm going to claim that as my New Thing for the day. New Thing #86: I was accused of trying to pirate Friends With Money.

Now, on with the pictures. The proof. The photographic evidence.

(But first, an apology for the photos. They're really bad and oversaturated, but I suppose that's to be expected when you're taking photos of a movie screen with your phone.)

(Oh, and also, before I analyze the photos, I'd like to mention that I really loved the movie and I thought that Jennifer Aniston was particularly good in it. I've always loved her, and I thought she was great on Friends, but after seeing her in several movies I was beginning to buy into the whole "maybe she's just a TV actress and not really a movie star" thing--especially after seeing that god-awful Rumor Has It--but after seeing Friends With Money, I'm back on the Jennifer Aniston bandwagon.)

Photo #1:

Scott Caan is not in the above photo. Nor is his hand. Nor is Vince Vaughn's hand or any other mysterious hand that might be following Jennifer Aniston around. (In fact, I didn't notice any stray hands throughout the course of the entire film, so I don't have any more flames to add to the "Jennifer literally has a third hand" theory fire.) But I wanted to post this picture because it has most of the players from the infamous photo. Of course Nicole, the director, is missing, and Francis McDormand is standing in for Greg Germann (Greg, if I have just misspelled your last name, please accept my apology, I am trying to write this post in a timely manner so I can get to bed and I'm not in the mood to google your correct spelling) (so I'm just going to hope it's right) ("not in the mood to google?" you gasp!) (i know, Greg, it's completely unlike me). And Scott Caan is missing, like I said, and so is the hand. But most of our cast of characters is represented in this photo. (Including Simon McBurney, who apparently has lots of people googling him and coming to my blog as a result.) (I've gotten two hits from "Jennifer Aniston" searches and I've gotten, like, ten hits from "Simon McBurney" searches.) (Which means one of two things: either Simon McBurney gets more google searches than Jennifer Aniston, or my blog is so low on the list of hits you get when you search "Jennifer Aniston" that no one ever gets to my blog when they search her, and there are comparitively very few hits that come up when people search Simon McBurney and so my blog is much higher in those searches and therefore more clicked.)

Photo #2:

Okay, right before I took this photo, Scott Caan totally had his hand in clear view of the camera, and then just as I was snapping (with my very slow camera phone) he moved his hand over to his chin. Damn him.

Photo #3:

Okay, he did the same thing here. He was gesticulating with his right hand (the hand in question) and as soon as I took a picture, the hand was out of frame again. Double damn him.

Photo #4:

Okay, we don't see any hand in this photo, but we do see arm, and lots of it. Scott appears to have a really long arm. Which you might use to argue that his arm is long enough to get all bendy and twisty and foldy and to get itself into such a position where his hand might look like it was coming out of Jennifer Aniston's crotch area and completely separate from his own body, but I've got long arms too, and when I tried to recreate the pose, my arm couldn't get nearly as bendy and twisty and foldy as you people who think it's his hand say his arm got, leading to this whole controversy, which makes me thing that it, therefore, is not his hand in the Sundance photo, because such a long arm can't really get that twisty. (Did that sentence make ANY sense AT ALL?)

Photo #5:

Now here's where I start to think that Scott Caan's hands have minds of their own. But not just any minds: evil minds. And not just any old evil minds, but evil minds with wicked powers. Because as hard as I try to take pictures of these hands, they inevitably jump out of frame just as I'm taking the photo. Which I can accept as pure coincidence the first few times it happens, but then when it keeps happening, I start to suspect foul play. Moreover, I understand that my camera phone is not the ideal piece of equipment for photographing a movie screen, but this saturation thing is getting out of control. I mean, Scott Caan's hands were clearly in frame for this photo, but then they got whited out through all of that saturation. And I don't think it's the camera's fault. I think the hands did it. I think the hands are mad at me.

Photo #6:

The money shot! Finally, I got a clear picture (okay, mostly clear--some of it is obscured by that bottle of Rolling Rock) of Scott Caan's right hand.

And this is where things get weird. Because I have been looking at the above photo for a while now. And I've been comparing it to the original Sundance photo. And I just don't think they're the same hand. Scott's hand in the movie looks longer than the hand in the Sundance photo. It looks like...

My hand!

Check it out!

So, at this juncture in the investigation, I think we can safely conclude two things:

1. The mysterious hand in the Sundance photo does not belong to Scott Caan,

and:

2. Scott Caan and I have the same hand!

53 comments:

TheDarkerUma said...

sleepy....

i wish you were here so we could get the baked salmon roll....

i'm hungry.

Erik said...

OMG. You just made me famished by saying "the baked salmon roll."

Erik said...

I actually took a nap this afternoon, so I'm wide awake, but I have lots of work to do tomorrow so I should go to bed. But now you've got me craving that fucking baked salmon roll!

TheDarkerUma said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
TheDarkerUma said...

was the movie good or is there really a jennifer aniston curse? (because one deserves to be cursed after the collapse of a marriage??)

you cannot stop the tradition of ruining movies for me!

p.s. i accidentally (yeah right!) taped One Life to Live today and Todd and Blair killed me. He (Todd) died (yeah right!).

Erik said...

Todd died on One Life to Live?!?!??@?#?R???

Erik said...

I mean, I am sure they will bring him back, but I wish I had seen the episode today 'cuz I could've used a good cry and that would've given me one. THEY CANNOT KILL TODD.

Erik said...

Oh, and you should go see Friends With Money. I like it. I promise to continue ruining movies for you, but I don't intend to ruin this one because it's actually really good.

TheDarkerUma said...

okay, you remember the crazy red head margaret. she got pregnant with todd's child because she raped him (misery style). she then blackmailed and stalked him tell he went over the bend (crazy). then they (todd and margaret) ended up on a boat (this is realistic people!!!) and it was assumed that todd killed margaret and his unborn child. when in actuallity (?) she had faked her own death and swam to shore. todd was racked with guilt and stood trial. he got the death penalty. meanwhile margaret was alive and was suffering amnesia in some convenient foreign country. the requisite hero cop discovers this and travels to said foreign country with a woman he is bound to have sex with. times a tickin. but todd takes a lickin.

p.s. was the movie good or not!!!???

Doug said...

Okay, first Dr. Greene and now Todd????? I'm going to have to stop reading your comments threads, Erik; it's too traumatic. But then even though this Todd (Todd #2?)is way cuter than the original (?) Todd with the scar on his face who is now on another soap and used to be on Dawson's Creek, that grouchy scar faced Todd, the first one (?), will always be Todd to me since he was the first OLTL Todd I knew, so I guess, when all is said and done, this one, Todd #2, dying (if he is indeed dead) isn't really all that traumatic, is it? Whew, I feel better.

Erik said...

Urp, I don't think you read my last comment before posting yours. I LIKED THE MOVIE A LOT. I wouldn't say it's my favorite movie or anything, but it's REALLY GOOD.

Erik said...

Oh, and the scene with Scott Caan that I took pictures of? It was shot at Fred 62's in a table that I've sat at many many times. Which is interesting to note because maybe Scott Caan's hand and my hand have a psychic connection.

Erik said...

Oh, and every time I drive by Fred 62's and they're filming, I always drive by really slowly to try to see WHO is inside filming, and so while I was watching the scene in Friends With Money, I was also trying to look out the windows in the background to see if I could see my beat up maroon Camry driving by, but I was taking pictures at the same time, and I was trying to watch the scene, so I missed some of the cars driving by, and wouldn't that be CRAMAZING if my car was actually in a shot???

Erik said...

Doug, I started watching OLTL with the current Todd, so I'm really upset by this news. I have never seen First Todd, but current Todd is a total hottie, so you should be upset too.

Anonymous said...

I am so proud of your hand for having an out-of-body, er, out-of-arm experience and landing a part in a sorta big and really good film. Maybe you can be like Joey from Friends (wihtout money) and tell Scott Cann you are hand twins and take the show on the road.

Also, I started watching All My Children, One Life to Live, and General Hospital when I was a small child and my mom woudl have them on. But I really got into it when my grandma used to come stay with us every summer. This was like more than 20 years ago, people. From the Luke and Laura, Felicia and Frisco eras (loved Jack Wagner so so so much; remember his single - All I Need...It totally paved the way for Richard Marx).

But I swear, I can turn the tv on to any one of them, and be about ten minutes away from completely caught up.

Now I have to run out and see Friends with Money. Because maybe Jennifer Anniston and I are funny laugh twins and I could really cash in on that.
xo,
Lindsay

Erik said...

Oh my god, Lindsay, I cannot wait to hear what you think about FWM, because I think you and Jennifer MIGHT TOTALLY BE laugh twins, and then you and I could go on the road as "Lindsay and Erik as Jennifer Aniston and Scott Caan" and we could perform scenes from the movie and we could also support each other in trying to get hand double scenes and laugh double scenes!

Erik said...

Oh, and Lindsay, I only started watching the ABC soaps about 4 years ago. Uma got me hooked when we used to share a bedroom and she didn't know how to use the programming functions on our VCR and she would get up in the morning, turn the TV on to channel 7, mute it, and hit record, and so then when I would wake up (somewhere in the middle of All My Children) the soaps would just be there...and then I would start getting ready for my day during AMC (which is why my knowledge of AMC is fuzzy--because I never really watched it) but then by the time OLTL would come on, it would draw me in, and I would inevitably end up watching it, and then I would make myself leave the house before General Hospital came on because I didn't want to get sucked into THAT ONE too.

Doug said...

Yeah, I know, I should be. Maybe I'm just in denial. I'll check to see if SoapNet is repeating the Todd dying episode(s) today, maybe that'll snap me out of it.

Erik said...

Seriously Doug.

TheDarkerUma said...

twenty! (its my favorite number, yo!)

erp: tuc might be leaving as well. sadness.

lindsay: all the oldies are coming back to hike up the ratings. scorpio, holly, anna, robin, and noah drake (yeah, we all remember Jesse's girl). Rumor has it gh is trying to woo back Frisco.

you can take away my "cool" card now. oh wait, i never had it. doopie doopie doo.

Erik said...

Okay, Urp, I know I said I wouldn't be able to comment today, but I found a way (for the next few minutes at least) and I just had to scream NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! at the thought of Tuc Watkins leaving One Life to Live.

It cannot happen. Tuc, don't go. (Unless you've got another awesome job lined up where your fans can follow you.) (I cannot believe that you've outed me as a soap fan, Urp.) (You're the OG fan, though.)

Anonymous said...

How much did I love Scorpio and Anna? SOOOO much! Anna DeVane. She used to be evil, with a scar and everything. But then she got some plastic surgery and she became good. Ah, thank you soap wisdom.
Lindsay
P.S. My mom just about hacked up a lung laughing so hard at this entry. And she told me Scorpio's original girlfriend is on GH. Oh the drama!

Erik said...

Two things I love:

1. That this comment thread has become a place for people to geek out about their soap opera obsessions.

and 2. Lindsay's mom almost hacking up a lung from laughing at the entry.

Bonnie said...

1. You "met" your identical hand twin!
2. You're a pirate! Arrrrrrr!

christy said...

okay i can't figure out how to make a link to your post (like the create a link option)

i might geek out over soap operas but i can't for the life of me geek out over actual geek stuff.

Erik said...

Bonnie, I am a pirate, and it's NOT scott caan's hand.

Erik said...

christy, you are such a geek.

christy said...

no i'm no-ot...

Bonnie said...

Is too.

Erik said...

i say, is too, too.

christy said...

are not, are not, are no-ot

Bonnie said...

No, silly! "Is too" Scott's hand.
And, well... I guess "is too" Babes' a geek.
So...
Nevermind.

Erik said...

Is SO not (Scott's hand).

Erik said...

And is too (Babes' a geek).

Gina said...

Sorry I couldn't make it to the movies with you on Friday. I did go see the movie the nexy day with my girlfriends and we really enjoyed it. BTW..you saw Stick it? The gymnastics movie? i wanted to see that...was it good? It can't be better than Bring it on, right?

frank's wild lunch said...

I got all nervous when I was scanning up the comments and "geeking about soap operas" was mentioned, but then I realized that no discussion of DAYS OF OUR LIVES was happening, so I breathed a sigh of relief. Time we got it started, huh? So Days? What's going on? I haven't seen it in AGES. I hate Marlena. She's ancient and annoying. And John Black? Could someone teach him how to not make me crazy? Is there another alien storyline? Because that would be fun.

Erik said...

Gina, several things:

1. Stick it is in NO WAY better than Bring It On.
2. Bring It On is BRILLIANT.
3. Bonnie is going to disagree with me here, but the first hour of Stick It is (in my opinion) fairly lame. BUT--and here's the essential BUT--the last half hour of the film is SO FUCKING GOOD. I laughed, I cried--seriously--it's SO GOOD. Totally makes up for the fact that the first hour is so-so. So I think you should see it.

Erik said...

Kyle, I'm sorry but I've never seen Days of Our Lives. Can anyone help fwl out with some scoop?

Erik said...

But fwl, I want to know why John Black makes you crazy. (Even though I don't know who John Black is.)

frank's wild lunch said...

Well, for starters, there's the fact that he's had the same haircut since he came on the show in 1987 (approx) as some guy who had amnesia and took the name "John Black" from a plaque on the wall of University Hospital, before he realized he was Roman Brady, who everyone thought was dead. Of course Roman wasn't dead, and the real Roman showed up and threw his life into disarray, but this time the real Roman was played by the actor who played Chris Kozacek, the guy who tended bar at Shenanigans in the mid-late 80s, who, after having a hot romance with a bombshell named Savannah -- who was, incidentally, played by future B-movie/softcore siren Shannon Tweed -- disappeared, along with his bar. But this was NOT Chris Kozacek, even though it was played by the actor who played Chris Kozacek, it was really the real Roman. You following me? Anyway, so John Black didn't know who he was, and yet, for some reason this identity crisis did not prevent him from trying a new haircut in an attempt to find out who he really was. Instead, it made him realize he really was JOHN BLACK -- even though he took his name from a plaque when he showed up in 1987, and it wasn't like he was the guy from the plaque, he was just, coincidentally, some guy named John Black. And there was some Romulus/priest storyline that went on in the 90s that I didn't really follow, and now I think he's just John Black who grimaces and cocks his head and his eyebrow and is all leathery and hairy but not in an attractive way, but more of a skeezy way. And then there's that damn MULLET.

frank's wild lunch said...

Oh, and I feel bad about saying I hate Marlena, because I don't. She's just a little weepy and super-victimized. Maybe it's just all a letdown with her after she got possessed by the devil. I mean, how do you follow that?

Erik said...

fwl, that description of Days of Our Lives SO sounds like my life.

Erik said...

Even the mullet part (for several years in the early 90s)!

Erik said...

Oh, and to answer your question about Marlena, about what one does after one becomes possessed by the devil...I think one usually joins Sc*ent*l*gy and marries T*m Cr**se. (I added those asterixes because as much as I would love for people like "MICHAEL J. FOX" and "ANDERSON COOPER" to self-google and find my blog, I would prefer it if the S*ie*to*og*sts did NOT self-google and find my blog, and Mr. C*u*se, too.)

Erik said...

But what if *they know* the tricks people use to thwart their self-googling efforts and so they have drones sitting around at computers all day googling variations on "S*ie*to*og*sts" to find out what people are really saying????

Bonnie said...

As one of my commenters said, "I used to think 'Bring It On' was our generation's 'Citizen Cane.' Perhaps that title should go to 'Stick It' instead?"

Of course, I agree that "Bring It On" is better than "Stick It," but only because it was first, groundbreaking, and--HELLO--it had Jesse Bradford. Duh.

But it doesn't matter which one is best b/c they were both written by my NBF Jessica Bendinger. (You saw the news in my blog, right?) Lah-ti-dah, I have a NBF and she writes movies about flippy girls. Yay me!

Erik said...

"Jesse Bradford. Duh." should be a bumper sticker.

Erik said...

And Jessica B. is the coolest person ever and I'm so jealous.

Bonnie said...

Yeah, but now I'm starting to think that maybe it WASN'T her--it was "the bus boy."

Erik said...

Oh, no BonBon, I hope it was her. If the Bus Boy is up to his old tricks I'm gonna whip him.

TheDarkerUma said...

hehehe. i was just catching up on all the comments. yes. a bit late.

but your description on how you got hooked on soaps is too funny. because it implies you woke up consistently to "all my children".

when i know for a fact you spent some quality time with some women named meredith, joy, elisabeth, stella...i mean star and of course babs.

Erik said...

Dude, Urp, you totally called me out.

OKAY, fine, I will admit it...

I am a fan of The View.

Tear me apart, if you must, but I love those women. (Even though Elizabeth is AWFUL.)

Bonnie said...

Keith and I have been to tapings of "The View" twice. Once in LA (with Subhash) and once in NY (thanks to Subhash). For reals. Keith, as one of the lone men in the "good seats," was brought up on stage at the LA taping and was forced to dance to Sir Mix-a-lot.

True.