Okay, maybe not. But they ARE better than these pictures (CLINK), and they do prove that I have a future in investigative journalism.
So here's the deal. A while back, I was reading Premiere Magazine and I noticed this picture of the cast of Friends With Money, starring Jennifer Aniston (note, this is not one of the tremendously exciting pictures I was just talking about) (you're gonna have to wait a few minutes for those pictures) (unless you just scroll down and look at them right now) (but then you'll be looking at them out of context and that's so totally fucked up and I'll be mad at you) (it's like going to spoilerfix.com to find out how Gilmore Girls was going to end before watching the season finale) (which is a lame thing to do) (and I can call it lame without being judgmental because I myself did it) (so I'm judging myself) (I don't have any idea how Grey's Anatomy is going to end their season) (because even if there were spoilers out there, I would rather lose my left foot than have a single moment of Grey's Anatomy ruined for me) (same thing with Survivor) (I want Terry to win, or Cirie) (but not Danielle because she's kinda blah) (and not Aras because, even though he's hot, he's a cry-baby) (Terry should win because HE ROCKS more than Superman) (or Cirie should win because of that giggle of hers) (and speaking of people winning things, Joanie had better fucking win America's Next Top Model) (I'm just saying) (or if she doesn't win, they should give the crown to Kim the Lesbian from last season) (how fucked up would that be if Tyra was like..."America's Next Top Model is...(and in my head, the final two is between Joanie and Danielle...because even though Jade is a better model than Danielle, they never let the crazies get to the final two)...Kim!" And then Kim marched out and started crying and Joanie and Danielle would be like, "what the fuck?") (speaking of reality TV [and how did we start speaking of reality TV?], I miss Derrick) (speaking of Derrick...)
LET'S TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH WE MISS DERRICK OF MTV'S GAUNTLET II FAME:
(that's Derrick on the left, and Landon on the right)
(I heart Derrick)
(anyway, I think that was a long enough moment) (respect) (imagine that I pounded my chest with my fist and then pumped my fist into the air a couple of times right after I typed the word "respect") (because I did)
Okay, earlier when I said "I noticed this picture of the cast of Friends With Money, starring Jennifer Aniston," I wasn't talking about the above picture of Derrick and Landon being all hot and manly and shit.
I was talking about this picture (which still is not one of the tremendously exciting pictures I was talking about way at the beginning of this post):
There's something really interesting going on in this picture. Let's call it "The Case of the Mysterious Hand That Doesn't Belong to Anyone Featured in the Picture." I blogged all about it HERE. (Go there and read that and then come back to this, if you don't remember what the debate was about or you never read it in the first place.) (SERIOUSLY, go back and read it before you continue reading this post.) (Read the comments too, so we're all on the same page.) (I AM SERIOUS HERE, PEOPLE.)
Okay, you went back and read that other post? Good, so that means you're familiar with this picture:
Now, this picture has been the subject of some heated debate. For a long time, I maintained that the hand in the photo did not belong to Scott Caan (pictured in the bottom right of the photo, sitting in front of Jennifer Aniston). Other people maintain that he's just sitting in a really awkward position and that it is, indeed, his hand. Yet other people suspect that Vince Vaughn was crouched behind Jennifer Aniston (causing her to laugh an the others to look slightly weirded out) and that it's Vince's hand poking out from behind her. While a few others think that the hand looks so weird and alien because it is Scott Caan's hand, but we're looking at two different photos that were photoshopped together because Jennifer looked better in one of the photos and Scott Caan looked better in a different photo and the photoshop artist neglected to notice that Scott's hand (from the Aniston-looks-better version of the photo) looks really weird when it's slapped onto Scott's body (from the Caan-looks-better version).
The indisputable facts (in my opinion) are these:
(a)--You can clearly see that Scott's right shoulder is touching the mysterious hand's wrist.
(b)--The mysterious hand is jutting out from Jennifer Aniston's crotch area.
(c)--Therefore, either the mysterious hand DOES NOT belong to Scott Caan, but rather belongs to someone who is crouched hiding behind Ms. Aniston, OR it is Scott Caan's hand, but it's been photoshopped in because there's no way that Scott Caan's hand could be jutting out from that angle while his body is sitting the way it's sitting (unless he's a member of Cirque du Soleil).
Still, the mystery lingers. It festers. It eats away at your soul.
So in an attempt to find some closure, frequent commenter Lindsay suggested that we recreate the photo. By recreating the photo, we hoped to solve the mystery once and for all.
I have three photos to show you.
THESE PHOTOS, my friends, ARE THE TREMENDOUS PHOTOS I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT.
THEORY #1: It's Scott Caan's hand. No photoshopping. Just weirdly contorted bodies and odd camera angles.
(pictured: in the back row, from left to right, we have some random guy I don't know as Jason Isaacs, my friend Leslie as writer-director Nicole Holofcener, and my friend Alex as Greg Germann; in the front row, from left, we have: some random guy I don't know as Simon McBurney, some random woman I don't know as Catherine Keener, my friend Lindsay as Jennifer Aniston, and me as Scott Caan)
As close as we got to recreating the actual Jennifer Aniston photo, you can see that I wasn't able to recreate the illusion that his shoulder is touching his wrist. THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO MAKE YOUR SHOULDER TOUCH YOUR WRIST and not look REALLY WEIRD. Unless you're, like, a monkey, or, like I said before, a Cirque du Soleil performer, and I am neither. Neither is Scott Caan. (It felt weird to use the word "neither" as both the last and the first word of consecutive sentences like that.) And even though the Jennifer Aniston photo looks strange, Scott Caan himself doesn't look strange. Just the hand.
Conclusion? It's probably not Scott Caan's hand.
Let's take a look at the two photos side by side, just to make sure we analyze this beyond the shadow of a doubt.
Let's face it...
Simply isn't this:
The angles are all wrong!!!!
End of story.
THEORY #2: It's someone else's hand. Possibly Vince Vaughn's. Possibly a production assistant's. Possibly Robert Redford's. (The photo was taken at Sundance, after all.)
Now, aside from the fact that this photo actually gets a few more details right (i.e. the guy on the left in the back touching the guy's shoulder in front of him), it also looks more feasibly like it could be what happened in the real Jennifer Aniston photo shoot.
Scenario: they were shooting photos. Vince (or whoever) was there. They were all fooling around. Things got a little goofy (as things are want to do when Vince, or whoever, is around). And then, inexplicably, Vince (or whoever) crawled in between Jennifer Aniston and the people in the back row and he stuck his hand in between Jennifer Aniston's legs, and snap, the Photo That Would Inspire So Much More Scrutiny Than Any One Photo Deserves was taken.
Conclusion? It's probably definitely not Scott Caan's hand.
I'm a fan of this theory because it's kinda naughty, but I still think that the third theory holds the most plausibility.
THEORY #3: The weird hand that seems to come from nowhere is the result of bad photoshopping.
Case in point:
When I did this little photoshop job, even though I am admittedly very very terrible at photoshop, it hit me that we are super-geniuses for discovering what was obviously a photoshopping snafu (I have to give credit to David Newsom for first floating the photoshopping theory) because this is TOTALLY the answer to our riddle. I mean, look at the above photoshopped photo and then compare it to the real photo again:
Therefore...conclusion? It IS Scott's hand, but the hand is from a one photo in which Jennifer Aniston looked smokin' while the rest of Scott Caan's body is from a photo where he looked smoking but Jennifer didn't so much.
Oh, and by the way...
New Thing # 74: I recreated the Jennifer Aniston photo, and New Thing #75: I used photoshop.
(P.S. My "d" key isn't working very well, and so when I was just rereading this post, I kept noticing that a lot of words that were supposed to have the letter "d" in it, don't have the letter "d" in it, like, for instance, it says "an" several times where it's supposed to say "and," but I'm tire and I'm flawe and I accept it, goamnitt.)