Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Burps and obsessions

I am so disgusted with my body right now.


Because I can't stop burping. I am serious. I have had so much gas today (all up top, none down below) and I'm afraid it's never going to stop. I started burping when I woke up and I'm still burping right now as I write this post. I'm like a freakshow straight outta Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. But I don't remember eating a whole lotta glorious chocolate or anything like the golden ticket kids. So, I'm left wondering: WHERE IN THE HELL IS ALL OF THIS GAS COMING FROM?

I am totally grodied out.

I am going to change the subject because (1) I don't want to subject you to any more of My Day of Burping and (2) I don't want to think about burping anymore anyway and (3) maybe if I can stop thinking about it, the burping will actually stop.

So my new blog friend Rebecca told me (in a previous comment thread) that she was obsessed with my blog, which got me thinking about obsessions. Because I'm an obsessive person. Like the thing with my uncontrollable burping today. I know I said I would stop talking about it, but it seemed like the perfect example because I AM OBSESSED WITH MY INABILITY TO STOP BURPING TODAY.

I started making a list of Things I Am Obsessed With in this previous comment thread that I mentioned, but since I know some people don't read comment threads (huh?) I thought I would continue my list in an actual blog entry.

So. Here is a completely non-complete list of things that I am (or have been) obsessed with (in no particular order):

1. Making lists (have I told you about the journal I found from elementary school that is filled with lists, including lists of things like "Secondary Disney Characters"?)

2. Michael J. Fox (my first love)

3. Google (this obsession is well documented)

4. Chocolate (who isn't obsessed with chocolate?) (besides Uma?)

5. Getting A's (obviously this is an old obsession, since it has been years since I was graded on anything) (I sucked so hardcore at math, which made me hate it. I didn't even want an A in math, that's how much I hated it. But then I got a math tutor, I forget what her name was but she was the nicest woman ever. And then I wanted her to feel good about her tutoring skills so I studied my ass off not so that I would do better in the class and actually learn something but because I wanted to be able to tell her that her tutoring was working.)

6. Being on time ("Early is on time, on time is late, late is dead")

7. Wet Hot American Summer (go rent it now)

8. Pooping (this obsession is also well documented)

9. Richard Brautigan (I even wrote a play about my obsession with RB, that's how obsessed I was with RB)

10. Bloggers named Sheila (two of them)

11. London (I found a web deal for roundtrip tickets for $169! I have this fantasy of just flying out on a Friday, arriving on a Saturday, going to the Curly Dog cafe in Primrose Hill for a tuna and sweet corn sandwich for lunch, then going to the Spread Eagle Pub for some tea, then going to Wagamama's for dinner, then going to a play at the Royal Court, then dancing all night at PopStarz, and then getting back on a plane on Sunday morning and finally sleeping on the plane and then arriving back in Los Angeles on Sunday night and being able to tell people that "I went to London for the weekend.") (How cool would that be?)

12. Getting into Northwestern (a school I ended up not even applying to)

13. Comic Books (only DC universe) (I stopped collecting 13 years ago)

14. Tootsie (I have seen it over 100 times. No joke.)

15. Lucy (obviously)

16. Cult TV shows (Twin Peaks, Freaks and Geeks, Buffy, Degrassi, MSCL, etc.)

17. My health (I'm not really obsessed with being healthy, I'm more obsessed with worrying about how unhealthy I am) (which is fucked up)

18. Updating my address book (this a weird super-anal-retentive obsession)

19. Alphabetizing the books in my library (I kinda gave this one up awhile ago, because I have too many books, but it pains me to see my books unalphabetized)

20. Writing haiku (2000 was my haiku year)

21. Jeff Probst (hottest man ever)

22. Bjork (don't even think about dissing her swan dress)

23. Updating my blog (hello)

Okay, I'll probably add more obsessions to this later, but the coffeeshop I'm at is about to close so I'm done for now. Toodles.


Bonnie said...

Best get rid of those burps before our date... to which we'll both be way early. *giggle*

Listing my list of obsessions would become an obsession of its own. I'd better not even begin picking at that scab tonight. It's late.

Oh, lordy... is that the sun?

Boom Boom Becca said...

I saw mention of your new blog friend Rebecca and I got really excited. Until I realized that this is the first time I ever visited (courtesy of Bonnie). Anyhow, I just purchased a dvd of Michael J. Fox's supremely underrated movie, "High School USA." A buck fifty at Big Lots. How awesome is that?

Monets said...

I'm FAMOUS!! I got a mention in Erik's blog!!!! Yeah yeah, I was already in the comment section - but I'm in an ACTUAL ENTRY!! YAY!!! Way to keep the obsession on track, Erik! ;-)

I'm pretty sure I don't have as many obsessions as you do (but wouldn't that be a weird competition?) but I am completely and totally obsessed with Diet Pepsi. Weird, huh? Oh, and bags. Purses, backpacks, duffles, beach bags - you name it, I love it.

And speaking of your google obsession... you've said you Google everyone you meet, but whenever I do that I get tons of hits. How do you narrow it down enough to find the person you're searching for? Clearly, I bow to your Google-tese (like expertese but with Google). And I just realized I'm copying your writing style. So not cool.

Bye for now-
~~ Rebecca

Erik said...

Bonnie, the burps are gone today, thank god. I'm so excited that we're both going to be early to dinner, we'll have so much time to get to know each other before we're officially supposed to meet! (By the way, we still haven't set a specific time. PAM wants a specific time. She was like, "did you set a time? Why didn't you set a specific time?" And I was like, "you're a punkass."

Erik said...

Boom Boom, I am so jealous that you own High School USA. I bet you're watching it right now. My favorite Michael J. Fox/Nancy McKeon pairing, however, was the movie Poison Ivy--do you remember Poison Ivy? They were counsellors at a summer camp. It was one of the best movies ever. Maybe it's because I have a thing for summer camp movies (hence my obsession with Wet Hot American Summer).

Anyway, I'm really glad that Bonnie steered you to my blog because (1) Bonnie has impeccable taste in blogs and people, (2) I just went to your blog and think you're awesome, and (3).

Erik said...

Rebecca (monets), it's all good and cool, you can totally copy my writing style. It's really only my blog writing style. Anyway, I am happy to keep the flames of your obsession alive!

Okay, so, to respond to your google question...the best way to limit hits is to use quotation marks. Like, if I googled Erik Patterson, I would get 15 million hits, but if I googled "Erik Patterson" I only get about 400 hits. And a lot of those Erik Pattersons aren't me, but the search for the real me is seriously smaller and easier to navigate.

That's my main trick.


Jesse James said...

i dont love chocolate like the rest of the world does, that's why me and Uma are actually friends and not sworn enemies

and Bjork is over, i give you proof

TheDarkerUma said...

Amen brother!

I just had a vision of you (Jesse) and I at an "African American" church singing in the choir our praises for not being chocolate dependent.

Heehee...I again am not talking to the owner of this blog in my response.


Bonnie said...

I just giggled my ass off. Seriously.

Def Jam Becca MC (AKA Boom Boom Becca) is a friend from freakin' freshman year of college for me. And her blog IS awesome. Seriously. I visit it whenever I need a happy feeling. The post just after Thanksgiving about her daughter's review of HOOTERS is worth the search through the archives. Ah, hell... it's all brilliant.

Yes we will be early on our date. I can't wait. I think we did the whole... "5:30pm? 6pm?" thing in our email. Since PAM needs a time set freakin' two whole weeks in advance, let's let her pick between those two times and then we'll show up early either way. ;) Would that make her happy-slash-relaxed about it all? (BTW, I love how punkass she is. Seriously.)

I woke up this morning and said, "Keith! KiKi and PAM are so excited about our date! I am too!" He said, "I know. You told me." Apparently, I'm seriously talking about how excited I am about this like every day. *giggle* I am SUCH a geek!

BTW... it was 20 years ago today that I lost my virginity.

Why do I feel the need to post that here? Well, I was thinking about how it will have been 18 years ago (come September) that I met Def Jam Becca MC and realized that today, 20 years ago, my first-love boyfriend and I lost our big V together and I guess, since your comments threads are my secret blog posts, I felt more comfortable sharing that little bit of info here. ;) *giggle*

So, in honor of Bon's 20 Years of Sex, please, everyone, go get laid tonight.

Thank you.

TheDarkerUma said...

P.S. Bonnie, I have to say that you have got another fan (me).

You had me at "get laid".

Bonnie said...

Ooooooh! Yay! Never have been so happy to be a skanky whore! Yay! New fan! Yay!

Did you get laid yet? Hop to it!

Erik said...

Okay, first of all, I have been out of commission all day on a writing deadline and so I'm only just now getting to the comment portion of my day.

Second of all, I am so happy that my NBFF Bonnie has met my OBFF Uma and that you two are becoming blgo friends. Bonnie, when we get together for dinner, I have lots of stories to tell you about Uma. (Uma, how do you like that, huh? I'm talkin' about you like you're not here, just like you were having that conversation with Jesse and pretendin' I wasn't here.)


Fourth of all, (I suppose I should just say "fourth" but I like saying "fourth of all") I so totally did not get laid today and it sure as hell doesn't look like it's on the agenda for tonight, and I'm really sad that I couldn't celebrate Bon's 20 Years of Sex by having sex today. I hope that most of my blog readers DID celebrate the big day (I'm talking to you again Urp) and I hope that you all celebrated it well.

Hey Boom Boom, have you watched High School USA yet? Just checking. It's still awesome that you own it.

Did anyone see Michael J. Fox on Inside the Actor's Studio this season? I am so in love with him still. There was this one moment where he told James that he needed to leave and take a break so that he could take some medication and relax for a few minutes and I so admired him for just being like, "hey man, this is what I need to do now, I'll be back." I guess I don't know what else he would have said, but he just seems like such an awesome dude. Did anyone watch him on Boston Legal this season? Yowza, good stuff.

Bonnie, it's, like, 9:40 and the burps are still gone.

Usually I try to comment to each comment one by one but I am so tired after all of the work that I did today that I'm too scattered to focus on one comment at a time. My writing partner and I wrote something like 40 pages today. And then we didn't eat dinner until really late so my body's all pissed off at me for feeding it after it's usual dinnertime.

Jesse, how did I not know that you don't like chocolate. Did I used to know that and I forgot it? I am really weirded out by the fact that I didn't know this. How have I known you for as long as I have known you (for people who aren't Jesse, that would be almost 15 years--Jesse is one of my oldest friends--we've been OBFFs since my freshman year of high school, which was his junior year) and not know that you don't like chocolate? I'm sure I must have known that and I blocked it out because I found it disturbing.

Dear Ms. Uma, how was lunch with Ingrid? Did you just bag on me the whole time for ditching our Grey's date?

Again, Dear Ms. Uma, I have never called you "Ms. Uma" before just now and the only reason I called you "Ms. Uma" was because that's how you signed your comment to Jesse, and now I feel really weird calling you Ms. Uma.

Okay, wait, back to Jesse, BJORK IS SO FUCKING NOT OVER. I know you think she's "over" because she's making that artsy movie with her husband, but I don't think she's actually acting in it, I think it's some kind of avant garde art installation movie, so it's more like a video or something, I don't know, the honest truth is that my computer (damn Toshiba) wouldn't let me open up the preview so I couldn't watch it and I have no idea what it is but I will say that no matter what it is BJORK IS SO TOTALLY NOT "OVER". And I will fight you on that one. And you know that I will continue to fight you on that one for the next fifteen years. So get ready.

Back to Bonnie, I'm gonna go look for that Hooters post on Boom Boom B's blog after I finish this comment. Her blog is awesome. Many, many posts had me guffawing. Her blog makes me want to have kids so that I will have hilarious stories to blog about.

As far as setting a time (since my PAM is so adamant about setting a time), let's say 5:30 pm. And I am SO SO excited about this date. Just as excited as you are. We still have so much "getting to know each other" to do.

I'm totally not sure if I responded to all of the comments that I needed to respond to, but I have to go now. I'll be back if there's more to comment on later. Holy moly.

Erik said...

Oh, also, by the way: Hi Joe.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, Erik, the search for the real you will never be small or easy to navigate.

Erik said...

OH. My. God.



I was just talking to PAM and she was like, "I like Bonnie's nickname for you. I wish I had a nickname for you. Can I call you Ikik?"

And I was like "what?"

And she was like "can I call you Ikik?"

Totally sincere. Totally wanting to be cool like you and have a cool nickname for me.

And she comes up with Ikik.

Oh. My. God.





(I meant to type "fucking" but I like the typo better.)


Erik said...

When I said "blgo friends," I meant "blog friends".


Anonymous said...

Well, I am so relieved that we finally have a meeting time. I am so not worrying about this anymore. Just to clarify, I assume that 5:30 really means 6, but the people who have to be early to be on time will get there at 5:30. But I don't want to miss anything so I'll probably get there early, too. Which means the actual meeting time is 5:30 (which means some of us might be there at 5?). PAM

Bonnie said...

I think the place may not actually OPEN 'til 5:30pm, so we're safe with that time, whether we're early, punkass, or evil former military republican (please, don't hate my hubby just b/c he has red-state roots--believe me, I'm blue enough for the lot of us).

Still, my plan is to hit the bar at 5:30pm.

And I'll be happy to receive company within any moments of that hour. ;)

PS--not to make it seem like it's got to be all about Keith, but if you fawn on the man, he'll tell fun stories and be a good friend to all. If you don't, he'll sit there all stoic and obnoxious.

Dear GAWD, am I suddenly wondering how/why I married a republican????

Erik said...

Hey Pam, your new name for me (Ikik) is catching on. Check it out.

Bonnie said...

BTW, how did you comment on MY blog when *I* can't even comment on my blog and how much do I LOVE that your PAM (MAP) wants to call you IkIk? We're going to have such a time!!!!!

Erik said...

We will totally fawn on your husband. And PAM is a journalist, so she has a talent for asking questions. When I was in high school and friends would come over, they'd always be like "what is up with your PAM? Why did she give me the third degree?" And I'd be like, "it's just what she does." But she would inevitably learn things about my friend in five minutes that I hadn't learned about them in years, so she's good to have around.

Erik said...

I love that we are commenting on top of each other right now...

And I seriously don't know what everyone is talking about (including you!) when they (you!) say that they (you!) can't comment on your (your!) blog. I have never had a problem with commenting on your blog.

Bonnie said...

The funny thing is, as SOON as you comment, no one else can! It's like you break me!!!!!!!

Bonnie said...

Oh, and...

I think your momass punk and my red-state hubby will do just fine together. They'll connect and chat and you and I will have a time. ;)

Erik said...

You're on the phone with PAM (MAP) right now, which is kind of a historic occasion, so I just thought I would commemorate it by posting a comment saying that it's happening.

Bonnie said...

Your MAP has a WAY sexy voice.

No, really. I won't grope her. I swear!

I'll grope you.

That's okay, right?

Bonnie said...

BTW, I'll tell the enormous clitoris story there, IRL, okay?

Boom Boom Becca said...

Wait. My blog makes my children sound like hilarious little comedians? They are MONSTERS, I tell you, MONSTERS. Okay, granted Isabella is covered in glitter and sparkles most of the time, so I guess she's really too cute to qualify for monster. And Matthew, well, you can't REALLY dislike a child that can't talk back to you.

Yeah, yeah. They're pretty fun.

POison Ivy? Great freaking movie. For the LONGEST time I thought Nancy and Michael were going to be our generations big couple.

And, just ask Bonnie. I NEVER comment. How special are you?

Bonnie said...


If we could transport Def Jam Becca MC to the West Coast, she would so love you more than she loves me, clearly. Though she'd probably love the one who paid the bill to send her west, so... well... who knows.

Clearly, she's moved to comment on you. That's huge.

I, on the other hand, will comment at the drop of the proverbial hat.

Becca comments when properly baited. Clearly, you've done a good deed.

Dammit, we're both married to republicans.

How much does THAT suck?

Anonymous said...

24. Egg salad sandwich at Johnny Rockest (stop eating them)

dustin said...

That egg salad comment. Was me! lol

Erik said...

Well now that I know that Boom Boom Becca is not a frequent commenter it will become my life's goal to elicit a comment out of her from each and every post I publish. (No pressure or anything, Becca.)

Bonnie, YES, tell me the enormous clit story in person, that is a perfect idea.

BBB, (that's YOU Boom Boom), whatever happened to Nancy McKeon anyway? I know she did that show (on Lifetime?) a couple of years ago, but WHATEVER HAPPENED TO HER ANYWAY? She obviously dropped the ball on the Michael J. Fox union, and even though he and Tracy Pollan pretty much keep a low profile, I think that they at least deserve, like, underdog status as "our generations big couple."

Dustin, I was actually craving the Johnny Rocket's egg salad sandwich YESTERDAY. All fricking day.

Anonymous said...

I know a lesbian named Tootsie who lives in Idaho.

Anonymous said...

Do you think anyone will ever google the phrase: "lesbian tootsie idaho"?

Erik said...

Okay, anonymous, now you're just toying with my emotions.

Erik said...

But...i sure HOPE someone will google "lesbian tootsie idaho" one of these days and they'll come to my blog. Because anyone who knows a lesbian named Tootsie in Idaho, or anyone who wants to know more about a lesbian named Tootsie in Idaho, well...they're all right in my book.

Anonymous said...

I guess if they do, they're gonna meet you. LESBIAN TOOTSIE IDAHO

Erik said...

You know, I just googled LESBIAN TOOTSIE IDAHO (without quotes) and all I got were random movie lists. Nothing about the real thing. Soon, when this comment thread makes its way to google, this comment thread will be the #1 resource for information about lesbians named Tootsie in Idaho!

(We dream big here at My Year of New Things.)