Wednesday, March 01, 2006

New Thing #38: I'm the motherfuckin' high score on Ms. Pac-Man at Golden fuckin' Gopher

That's right. I rock. I roll. I rock'n'roll. I rule.

I'm, like, seriously the muthafuckin' king of Ms. Pac-Man at this dive bar called the Golden Gopher in downtown Los Angeles.

Check this out:

You see that HIGH SCORE? I did that. Me. Do you see how the 1UP and the HIGH SCORE are the same? It's because I made that high score when I was the 1UP.

That's right. I did it.

Because, like, I said, I am the King of Ms. Pac-Man.

(Is that her married name? Because I know she and Pac-Man get married and have kids and all, but her name appears to be "Ms. Pac-Man" even before they're married. Shouldn't she be something like "Ms. Pac-Woman"?)

However, even though I am the kick-ass King of Ms. motherfucking P to the ac to the M to the an, I had never before achieved the distinction of being Mr. High Score on a video game at an actual public place. (Achieving high score on Zelda on my Nintendo box in the late 80's doesn't count because it was my Nintendo box and I was the only person who played it, which meant I wasn't just the High Score, but I was the Low Score as well.) (Do you geeks out there remember how much fun Zelda was?) (Seriously.) (Zelda ruled.) (I remember this one time sitting in my friend Luke's living room and literally playing Zelda for 12 hours straight and we were really good at the game at that point and we knew all of the secrets and we began our mission at the very beginning of the game and at the end of those 12 hours we had won the entire game and we rocked and rolled and ruled back then too.) (We were also pretty good break-dancers, but that's another story for another time.)

Well, the other night, it was my friend Ingrid's birthday and she had a shindig and I met up with her for a drink at this bar that I think was called the Golden Goose, but it might have been called the Golden Grasshopper, or maybe it was the Golden Guppy, or perhaps it was the Golden Greyhound, or the Golden Gargoyle, or maybe I'm even more color blind that I thought I was and it was the Silver Fox or the Bronze Bear or something ricockulous like that, but whatever the bar was called, it was Ingrid's birthday and I want to send a special shout-out to Ingrid and her birth because Ingrid rocks even more than getting the High Score on Ms. Pac-Man at every single bar in the world.

She's that groovy. True story. ('True story!')

So, we were having some cocktails at this colorful bar and my friend Roberta aksed me (that's right, if I remember correctly, she didn't ask me, she aksed me) if I wanted to to play some Ms. Pac-Man.

Um, did I ever. Like, hells yeah.

So we start playing, and, well, the rest is history, really. We were both really fucking good at the game. Not to brag. But we kinda made a scene and we were kinda both yelling and screaming and showing those ghosts who was boss and eating their blue asses and shit and then, suddenly, low-and-behold, I was making Golden Groundling history.

Until some other stupid drunk putz beats my score. (Which, honestly, I have no idea if 107,420 is really high or not, like, by comparison to other Ms. Pac-Man machines. I mean, it was high for the Golden Greenback bar, but maybe no one has ever really seriously played the game there, and my wicked score of 107,420 would actually be laughable in a real video game bar. I don't really know.)

(Did you notice how my "High Score" ends in the numbers "420"? That's totally an accident, but I think that all of the pot heads in the world should light up a dooby in my honor because how funny is a High Score of "107,420"?) (I mean, seriously.) (Potheads should stop referencing "420" and start referencing "107,420" as, like, your "high score, dude.") (I'm not even joking, potheads: start using my number!) (Seriously, do it.) (Unless it really isn't funny.) (Like, it really isn't really isn't funny.) (That would be sad.) (But I think it's at least almost-funny. Like, if you're on the pot, it should be hilarious, at the very least.) (When I said "if you're on the pot," I meant "if you're doing the dooby," not "if you're sitting on the john.") (Obviously.) (Is dooby supposed to be spelled doobie?) (I swear I'm not on the dooby/ie right now, I'm high on chocolate.) (Almond clusters, to be more specific.) (My stomach is SO ROUND.) (I suppose that's not something I should talk about on my blog, but I'm high on chocolate right now and it's fucking round.) (I love using 'fucking' as a fucking adjective. I don't actually use the word IRL very often, but I use it on blog fucking constantly.) (Fuck, you know?)

Anyway, I want to know if my High Score is really high or not, and since I like making my blog interactive, here's a challenge: If you can find this Golden Groucho bar in downtown Los Angeles and you can beat my slammin' score of 107,420 on Ms. Pac-Man and take a picture of it and send it to me, then I will do something really good for you, like bear your first born child, or bake you a loaf of challa bread.

Actually, you don't even have to do this at the Golden Gopher (which I think is maybe possibly perhaps the honest-to-goodness real name of the bar) (maybe). If you send me a picture of a higher Ms. Pac-Man High Score that you yourself earned (no cheating) (and this is the Honors system, folks), then I will at the very least post your picture on my blog and admit that even though I will always rock, maybe I don't roll as much as I thought I did.



Bonnie said...

Hmmmmm... I have a photo of the PITFALL high score I earned on my Atari 2600 from around 1981.

They had a thing where you could send in photos of your high scores and win Atari stuff. Of course, we got double prints, so I still have a few shots of my most totally awesome high score.

As for Ms. Pac Man, I bow to your high score. Well done!

Erik said...

1981 Atari!

Rock on!

I'm sure I've played that game, but right now I can't picture Pitfall. I guess I'm gonna have to be whipping out the old google.

Anonymous said...

My Dad's assistant's last name is Doobie. And she used to be a go-go dancer for The Who. I don't know how to spell it, but I bet she invented them. She's THAT rad.

the shorter story... said...

i'm glad you kick ass at pac man cuz i suck at it! seriously though, i SO remember zelda...loved that fucking game (i also love using "fucking" as an adjective). of, course, i also thoroughly enjoyed duckhunt...and the original mario bros...and tetris...omg, tetris! u know what else i remember? that game pad you had for your nintendo that i was so jealous of! i always wanted one. we used to play some sort of olympic game on it. am i on crack (or smoking a doobie)? this was you, right?

joe chandler said...

i believe the game was called track and field. i had it too. it was phenonmenal

soleclaw said...

Oh I will SO take you on, Erik! The movie theatre around the corner from me has an arcade with Ms. Pac-Man and I play whenever I go to a movie...which honestly isn't much lately since I have a 6 month old baby girl.

Question: if someone else gets a higher score than you and sends a pic, can I trump that person with an even higher score?

Not that it will happen though. I think the highest I got in college, when I skipped class to camp out in the pool/game room (and lost a scholarship because my grades dropped) (true story) might have been between 100,000 and 150,000. I don't remember. But not because of pot. Man, talk about a crazy blog. I had to check the urban dick to know what the hell 420 even means. And now I love Urban Dick. LOVE IT.

Zelda still rules. My hubby and I are such losers that we are known to still spend an entire day doing nothing but playing a video game (and of course taking care of the baby.)

soleclaw said...

PS: you should wear this shirt:

Erik said...

I have so many things to say.

First of all, Lindsay, is your dad's assistant's first name Debbie? Because wouldn't it be funny if her name was Debbie Doobie? Actually, maybe Debbie Doobie is too close to Debbie Downer. How about Dana Doobie? That's pretty funny too. I think that any name that begins with a "D" and ends in Doobie is funny.

Okay, I just decided that I am going to name a character Dana Doobie. I have no idea when and where Dana Doobie is going to appear, so don't hold your breath, but one of these days Dana Doobie is gonna see the brilliant light of day. So if you're reading this comment and you're like "I want to write something about a character named Dana Doobie," then back away buckaroo. Dana Doobie is all mine.

What if your Dad's assistant's name is Dana Doobie? I wish I was psychic like that.

Anyway, whatever Ms. Doobie's first name is, how rad is she? A former go-go dance for The Who? Um, hello? That's gotta be one of the coolest things to have on your resume ever.

Now, AQR--(jessica)--I love that you used to be jealous of my game pad. I wish I had known that you loved it so much, maybe I would have given it to you. Or maybe not. Ha! I actually gave it to my brothers when I got tired of it (which is an oxymoron or something because how could I ever have truly gotten bored of the Nintendo game pad?) and they had it for several gametastic years. And Mr. Joe Chandler is right--that Olympics game WAS called Track and Field and it WAS phenomenal.

I wish I still had that game pad. You've gotten me all nostalgic. But aside from nostalgia, I wish I had it because if I did then maybe I would be in shape right now. I should invest in one of those Japanese Dance Dance Revolution games. If I had Dance Dance Revolution in my living room, I could do it every morning as a little wake-up routine and I would be hella worked out.

Soleclaw--DO IT. Awesome! Take me on. Yes. Go to that arcade around the corner from your place and kick ass at it and send me your better-than-107,420 score. I need photographic proof, though! And if someone else beats you to it with a higher score, you can try to trump THEIR score, but I don't think you'll have to worry about that because I think you're the only one taking this awesome challenge so far. (Though I think if I goad Joe Chandler to take the challenge, maybe he'll do it too.) (And monets, how good are YOU at Ms. Pac-Man? Think you can throw down with us?) (I like goading people into the game.) (Bonnie? Are you ready for some blisters on your game-playin' fingers?) (I know that UMA won't do it. No fricken way.) (Ha!)

Oh, and yes, Soleclaw, I agree: Zelda still rules.

Erik said...

Oh, and also, Lindsay, you don't need to tell me Ms. Doobie's first name, but I just have to know if it begins with a "D". Well? Does it?

She's already way cool enough without having an alliterative name. In fact, if she has an alliterative name, she might be TOO cool. I just need to know. You know?

joe chandler said...

a good friend of mine plays dance dance revolution with his wife a couple nights a week in order to get excercise. i dream of excercising to get excercise.

ms. pac man is a game i love, but i'm not sure how good i time i see one...

Anonymous said...

her first name starts with an 'L' and ends with an 'inda'. It does get some of the consonance in there with the d towards the end.

i have a friend who is obsessed with "DDR" as she calls it; she gets hellof competitive.


Erik said...

Joe, what's fun about excercising to get exercise? Huh?

I got a membership to the YMCA in September and I've only gone three times.

If only they had a Dance Dance Revolution machine...

I like your Dance Dance Revolution married couple friends.

Erik said...

Lindsay, if I knew Ms. Doobie, I'd want to shorten her first name and combine it with her last name so that she was affectionately known as daDoobie.

Anonymous said...

erik, my boyfriend and i play ms. pac-man every day at home. seriously. we're obssessed. so much so that i must add extra ssss to obsessed. or is it supposed to be obssessed? anyways, our at-home game is slower than the arcade version, so it's really hard to get a high score.

but there's a bar down the street, and there's this guy, he's totally on the doobie (it's ie!!), and when he's on the doobie, which is like every day (remember the doobie brothers? see, it's ie), he goes to the bar and spends all night playing ms pac-man.

did you know her real name is crazy otto or something like that? it's true! she started out as a hack pac-man.

my real name is tina poppy.

Erik said...

Okay, Tina, I demand that you go to that bar. Now. Go there with lots of quarters and a camera. Kick that doobie dude offa Ms. Pac-Man (or Crazy Otto or whatever her name is) (and I'm gonna google it in a minute to see if Crazy Otto is correct) ('cuz that's a crazy name, Crazy Otto) and then play Ms. Pac-Man like your life depended on it. And then, even if you can't beat the doobie brother's high score, take a picture of YOUR high score and then send it to me. That's your challenge, should you choose to accept it. If you're really, truly obssessessed (do you like how I added EVEN MORE ssss?) then you will do this.

Erik said...

I just learned so much about Ms. Pac-Man.

First of all, yes, Crazy Otto was a hack Pac-Man created, I think, as a sequel to the Pac-Man game, but it was created by a different company (the website I read was very confusingly written) and there was a lawsuit and then Crazy Otto became Mrs. Pac-Man who became Miss Pac-Man who finally became Ms. Pac-Man.

Here's some trivia (cut and pasted from this site) about High Scores that puts my 107,420 to shame:

"After the 255th level, the maze (including dots) disappears. The game becomes unplayable, since there are no more dots to eat.

"Chris Ayra holds the record for this game on 'Regular' settings with 920,310 points on August 16, 1998.

"Victor Kunisada holds the record for this game on 'Speed-Up' settings with 922,810 points on June 16, 2001.

"Vancouver, Canada (Reuters) - Little seven year old, Al Nagac attained the Guinness World Record for Ms. Pac-Man v.2.97 with a score of 18,976,048. Al was exhausted and dehydrated and asked for several glasses of skim milk after shattering the longtime record of 11,056,736 set by Faith deRivera, who was onhand to congratulate the victor with a kiss on the cheek."

Erik said...

Oh, also: who the fuck is this Al Nagac kid and what are his parents feeding him that his fingers can move as fast they obviously can move that he can get a High Score that is 18 MILLION points higher than my fricken high score. Huh? Is this kid even in school, or does he spend all of his days playing Ms. Pac-Man? I mean, seriosuly. I am in awe of this kid slash disgusted by this kid that I cannot even spell "seriously" correctly.

Erik said...

That should say "I am SO in awe of this kid slash disgusted by this kid..." etc.

Erik said...

I just wrote this really dumb REALLY LONG comment about how I love commenting in comment threads so much that I even comment to my own comments and then the comment accidentally got deleted and I am so tired right now that I cannot even remember what the rest of the comment said, but it was like at least 500 words.

Anonymous said...

i think the most hilarious story of ms. pac-man (and the most telling story of american presidency) is how, in the 80's, then-president ronald reagan gave an *award* - a fucking presidential award - to this little kid who supposedly earned a score only possible by playing through the fucked-up last level (255 or whatever) of ms. pac-man.

a presidential award.

(tiny poopy)

Erik said...

I bet he gave the award to friggin' Al Nagac!

What I want to know is...what the frig is Al Nagac doing with his life now?

I mean, after such a huge score on Ms. Pac-Man and a presidential award from Mr. Pres. Ronald Reagan (if it was indeed Al Nagac who RR gave the award to), well, after alla that, the rest of your life has gotta be a whole lot of downhill, right?

Or is he living in San Fran inventing video games for XBOX?

Bonnie said...

OMG, yes. Just put "pitfall" in a Google Image Search and you'll find a bazillion screen caps. Oh, my. I had no idea how many "of us" were out there.

Of course, you're way younger than I am, and that's why Pitfall wasn't on your radar to the same extent it was on mine.

I so so so so want a PlayStation or XBox "Karaoke Revolution" game. *sigh* Is it too early to write letters to Santa?

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