List of Best Performances

This used to be part of my previous post, but it's really super duper long and so I decided to break the posts up, just to make it seem less long.

I took a blogging break in between writing the last post and this post to go poop, and while I was pooping I was reading the latest issue of Premiere Magazine (the fact that I was pooping isn't meant to be any veiled allusion to what I think of the quality of Premiere Magazine--I love Premiere Magazine--I mean no disrespect) and the cover of this month's Premiere Magazine promises a list of "the 100 Greatest Performances of All Time," and since I love a list, I thought I'd spend a few minutes dissecting this one.

(This sounded like a really good idea while I was pooping. Maybe it's not a good idea. If it isn't a good idea, then just bear with me.)

(I'm in an obsessive compulsive mood, so right now this sounds like a really good idea.)

(And it's raining right now, which makes it sound like an even better idea. I just wish that I had hot chocolate.)

(Of course, I do have hot chocolate in the cupboard, I just wish that someone would actually go into the kitchen and make it for me.)

Anyway, some thoughts:

a) I have only seen 47 of the 100 performances they list.

b) That makes me sad. This makes me feel like a terrible moviegoer. How can I not have seen 53 of the 100 "Greatest Performances of All Time"? I'm sure that the ones I've missed are great and I suck for not having seen them.

c) If I was still a member of NetFlix, I would start adding the movies that contain those 53 performances to my list right now.

d) I can't do that, though, because I'm no longer a member of NetFlix. After holding on to my first three NetFlix rentals (Porky's 1, Porky's 2, and Teen Wolf) for a year (yes, a year) and only watching Teen Wolf (multiple times) and losing both of the Porky's movies (without even watching them!), I finally decided that NetFlix wasn't for me and I should stop paying thirty dollars a month (or whatever it was I was paying) for the privalege of watching Teen Wolf whenever I wanted to (and it was a privilege). I have to give NetFlix credit, though, because when I called them and told them I wanted to cancel my account, they gave me some of the best customer service I've ever received. The woman on the phone was like, "you've been paying for the Porky's movies and Teen Wolf for twelve months?" And I was like (sheepishly), "um, yeah, and I actually lost the Porky's movies, so just tell me what I owe you and then I can wash my hands of this whole mess," and then she was like, "oh, sugar, don't you worry about it. You've more than paid for those Porky's movies."

e) But I've digressed. (I do that.) f

) Since I haven't seen 53 of the performances on this list, and I've already acknowledged that I'm a bad moviegoer for not having seen these performances, here's a list of the performances that made Premiere's list that I have seen:

(moving in their order from least great to greatest) (the performances with asterixes would go on my list of 100 Greatest Performances Ever) (the performances without asterixes are also good, for the most part, but they wouldn't make my list)

100: Malcolm McDowell as Alex Delarge in A Clockwork Orange*
(this performance is harrowing, it freaks me out, it's so compelling, yes)

99: Steve Martin as Navin Johnson in The Jerk*
(one of the funniest performances ever, but the reason it's so good is because it has so much heart. he truly makes you believe that this is a man who would think a sniper was shooting at cans and not at himself, you know? like, he's a true innocent. and when he learns what his "special purpose" is supposed to be used for, and he writes home to tell his parents how great it is, well, how can you not love a person like that?)

96: Judy Holliday as Billie Dawn in Born Yesterday
(she was great, but she wouldn't make my list. maybe it's because i saw this movie five hundred years ago)

95: Angela Bassett as Tina Turner in What's Love Got to Do With It
(she was also great, and fierce, but almost too fierce, so she doesn't make the cut on my list either)

91: Jane Fonda as Bree Daniels in Klute
(nah)

90: Jeff Bridges as The Dude in The Big Lebowski
(I think I'm in the minority, but I hated this movie) (actually, the only person I liked in this movie was Tara fucking Reed) (how sad is that) (and embarrassing) (it's embarrassing too) (really embarrassing) (I can't believe I admitted it) (I have totally just lost so much credibility) (not only as a person with an opinion on films, but as a human being as well) (holy cow) (or, should I say, "holly cow"?)

89: Gong Li as Juxian in Farewell My Concubine
(I love Gong Li, but my favorite performance of hers was the one in To Live)

86: Robert Walker as Bruno Anthony in Strangers on a Train*
(okay, this is a kick-ass performance) (hella kick-ass)

85: Jessica Lange as Frances Farmer in Frances
(I love Jessica Lange, and she's awesome in this movie, but I'm going to make a rule and say that no actor can appear on my list twice, and the Jessica Lange performance I'm going to pick is the one she gives in Tootsie) (she's just SO good in Tootsie) (like, I love when she throws the drink in Michael Dorsey's face after he uses that line on her at the party--it's such a small moment--but you know that she wants someone to cut through the bullshit with her and she can tell that Michael's attempt to "cut through the bullshit" is actually just more bullshit, so she throws the drink in his face and moves on) (if that makes any sense)

83: Hilary Swank as Brandon Teena in Boys Don't Cry*
(unfreakingbelievable performance)

81: Kate Winslet as Clementine in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
(she's brilliant, but I prefer her performance in Heavenly Creatures)

80: Jeanne Moreau as Catherine in Jules and Jim
(honestly, I saw this movie in college and I don't remember anything other than the fact that I saw it)

79: Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean
(um, he was good, but this ain't even close to being on my list)

74: Madeline Kahn as Lili Von Shtupp in Blazing Saddles
(okay, also great, but I think I would pick her performance in Young Frankenstein over this one. am I crazy?)

73: John Travolta as Tony Manero in Saturday Night Fever
(I want to pick Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing over John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. How weird is that?)

70: Anthony Hopkins as Hannibal Lector in Silence of the Lambs
(i'm not actually going to comment on each and every one of these performances, am I? because if I do, this is going to take forever)

69: Gloria Swanson as Norma Desmond in Sunset Boulevard
(I want to be a silent film actor)

66: Holly Hunter as Jane Craig in Broadcast News*
(okay, back to commenting, this is another brilliant fucking performance) (Holly Hunter rocks my world)

65: Jack Lemmon as Jerry/Daphne in Some Like it Hot
(is anyone even still reading this blog entry? i think it's getting pretty long)

62: Gary Oldman as Sid Vicious in Sid and Nancy
(like, really long)

61: Ralph Fiennes as Amon Goeth in Schindler's List
(like, I wasn't hungry when I started writing this because I had just finished eating dinner, and now I'm famished)

60: Diane Keaton as Annie Hall in Annie Hall
(like, fucking famished) (oh, but I love Diane Keaton) (and this is a great movie) (I think it might be my favorite Woody Allen movie, except isn't it really obvious to say that Annie Hall is your favorite Woody Allen movie?) (it is) (okay, then i'm going to say that Crimes and Misdemeaners is my favorite Woody Allen movie) (which is close to true)

58: Sigourney Weaver as Ellen Ripley in Aliens
(I always love Sigourney. She doesn't work enough.)

56: Jodie Foster as Sarah Tobias in The Accused*
(I remember watching this movie at my Grandmother's house when I was, like, twelve) (um, hello?) (and when they got to the rape scene, my Grandma was like, "why don't you go stir the soup in the kitchen for about ten minutes?") (true story)

52: Emma Thompson as Miss Kenton in The Remains of the Day
(you know that scene in Love, Actually, when Emma Thompson opens the gift from her husband and it's a Joni Mitchell album and she realizes that her husband is having an affair and she goes into the other room to cry for a moment before pulling herself together and putting on a happy face for her family?) (that scene kills me) (she's pretty good in Remains of the Day too)

48: Bill Murray as Phil Connors in Groundhog Day*
(rock on!)

46: Tom Hanks as Chuck Noland in Cast Away
(gag me with a motherfucking spoon)

45: Reese Witherspoon as Tracy Flick in Election
(again, rock on!)

43: James Dean as Jim Stark in Rebel Without a Cause*
(i wish i was cool)

41: Samuel L. Jackson as Jules Winnfield in Pulp Fiction
(i'm hungry again. now i want a fucking cheeseburger, thank you very much)

40: Nicole Kidman as Suzanne Stone Maretto in To Die For
(she should do more comedy. she's a great comedic actress.)

35: Philip Seymour Hoffman as Truman Capote in Capote
(he was brilliant, but the movie left me kind of cold) (that's not supposed to be a pun on In Cold Blood) (maybe they wanted to leave me cold?)

33: Dustin Hoffman as Michael Dorsey as Dorothy Michaels in Tootsie*
(this performance would be in my Top 5)

32: Audrey Hepburn as Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany's*
(this performance would be in my Top 10)

31: Jamie Foxx as Ray Charles in Ray
(this performance would never be on my list ever)

30: Jimmy Stewart as John Ferguson in Vertigo*
(oh, yeah, yes, yes, yes)

28: Rosalind Russell as Hildy Johnson in His Girl Friday
(again, I saw this movie 500 years ago, but I remember loving it)

23: Russel Crowe as Jeffrey Wigand in The Insider
(I didn't shower today and I feel really gross) (I am going to shower after I finish this blog post so that I can be all cozy and snuggly as I go to bed and listen to the rain outside) (if I ever finish this blog post)

22: Johnny Depp as Edward Scissorhands in Edward Scissorhands*
(now this is a Johnny Depp performance I can get excited about)

21: Giulietta Masina as Cabiria in Nights of Cabiria*
(go rent it) (now) (it makes me bawl)

18: Emily Watson as Bess McNeill in Breaking the Waves*
(this one makes me bawl too) (when I saw Breaking the Waves, I had just bleached my hair blonde and I left the peroxide on my scalp for too long and I kinda burned my scalp, like, a lot, and so for the first hour of this movie I couldn't stop worrying about the fact that maybe some of the peroxide had seeped into my brain and that it would somehow get into my brain and kill me, but by the midpoint of this movie I had stopped thinking about my imminent brain death and I was rooting for Emily Watson to live, and dear lord, I wanted to live too)

15: Tom Hanks as Josh Baskin in Big*
(okay, I love that this performance made it onto the list and I think it would be in my Top 10)

11: Daniel Day-Lewis as Christy Brown in My Left Foot*
(i already told you the story about how this movie inspired me to get busy with my feet, so now I got nothing to say about it)

9: Gene Wilder as Dr. Frederick Grankenstein in Young Frankenstein
(we're almost done, I promise) (i miss Gilda)

8: Jimmy Stewart George Bailey in It's a Wonderful Life*
(Top 5)

5: Bette Davis as Margo Channing in All About Eve*
(also up there)

3: Meryl Streep as Sophie Zawistowska in Sophie's Choice*
(i ain't got any words for how good this performance is) (I read the book before I saw the movie, and I went into the book totally blind--I didn't know what the "choice" was--and when it was finally revealed, towards the end of the book, I literally gasped out lout) (i thought they did a great job of translating this book into a movie) (and how great is peter mcnichol?) (and kevin kline!) (though meryl is the best)

Whoa. Phew. Done with that.

But not done. Nope. Not quite.

Okay, so, of these 47 performances, 29 of them would not make it to my list. That means I've whittled Premiere Magazine's list of 100 Greatest Performances down to a measly 18! Which means I've gotta come up with 82 more performances to fill out my list! Which means, well, it means I'm not going to finish this list tonight.

I'm gonna need to think about this for awhile before I get the list back to 100, but here are just a few performances I would add, off the top of my head:

(and I'm trying to think of truly great performances here, so as much as I loved Seann William Scott in Dude, Where's My Car, I'm not going to list his performance in this, my [not-yet-definitive] list of 100 Greatest Performances)

(in no particular order) (and this is subject to change)

--Roberto Benini in Life is Beautiful
--Bjork in Dancer in the Dark
--Marilyn Monroe in The Seven Year Itch
--Laura Linney in You Can Count on Me
--John Cameron Mitchell in Hedwig and the Angry Inch
--Matthew Broderick in Ferris Bueller's Day Off
--Albert Brooks in Defending Your Life
--River Phoenix in Running on Empty
--Mercedes Reuhl in The Fisher King
--Robin Williams in The Fisher King
--Cory Haim in Lucas
--Toni Collette in Muriel's Wedding
--Catherine O'Hara in Waiting For Guffman
--Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates
--Ed Harris in Pollack
--Marcia Gay Hardin in Pollack
--Shelly Long in Irreconcilable Differences
--Annette Bening in either American Beauty or Valmont (I can't decide)
--Julianne Moore in Boogie Nights

I understand that some of the choices on my list might seem weird (um, Corey Haim?) but I'm a weird man.

So there you go.