I am a whore for reality television. I am not going to pretend I'm not. I mean, I've already blathered on and on enough about reality TV on my blog that I don't think it's really a secret, but I wanted to come right out and just say that I know all of my favorite reality TV shows are bad for me and they're probably killing my soul and stuff like that but I still love them.It's okay, though.
I mean: I don't do drugs. I don't drink coffee. I don't have sex with underage strippers. I don't smoke. As far as vices go, I think that my addiction to reality TV ain't too bad.
Okay, so. (Have you noticed that I say "okay, so" all of the time lately? I don't even mean to say all the time, I just find myself saying it.) (When I say "saying it," I really mean "typing it.") (I just had the weirdest craving for one of those crisscrossy fritter things they sell at the fair. What are those things called? You know what I'm talking about. They're, like, waffles and they're covered in powdered sugar and they're awesome.) (I don't really know why I suddenly had that craving.) (I think it's because we were talking about things that are bad for you and my belly was all, "dude, get me one of those fritter things.") (My belly didn't know what they were called either.) (How stupid is my belly?)
You know who's belly is not stupid? Derrick's belly. Derrick as in Derrick from The Real World/Road Rules Gauntlet 2, which I'm watching on MTV right now (on my Tivo, taped from earlier this evening) and Derrick is about to go into the Gauntlet, again, and I paused my Tivo so that I could take a moment to mentally prepare for the possibility that Derrick might be going home from The Gauntlet in a moment. I actually paused my Tivo so that I could get into the right headspace for this potentiality. And then I decided to blog about it because how psycho am I?Now when I say that I'm mentally preparing for the possibility that Derrick might be going home, don't misinterpret that to mean that I don't have faith in Derrick. My man Derrick rules. But he's been to the Gauntlet several times and the way they've been editing the episode makes me worry that his winning streak is about to end. Of course, they might be editing it that way so that I'll think that his winning streak is about to end, when in reality he's about to prove once again how hardcore he is.
The suspense is killing me. KILLING ME.
I just re-read that whole thing about the suspense killing me and I'm worried that it might read as sarcasm, but please understand that this entire blog post is 100% sincere. I am genuinely worried that my pit bull is about to go home.
Let me set the scene: the veteran team lost, so Derrick, as the veteram team captain, has to go into the Gauntlet and compete against one of his teammates in a one-on-one battle, loser goes home. Now, fortunately, it's a mental challenge, and he's competing against Brad, who isn't all that bright, so Derrick definitely has the edge. But, and here's where it gets all Shakespearian and shit, Brad is, like, Derrick's "main man" and shit--they're practically best friends and shit--so Derrick's emotions might come into play and shit. Which means it's anyone's game and shit. 
Again, can I say that the suspense is killing me? KILLING ME.
Oh my god, oh my god, it's 4-1. Derrick is in the lead. First one to five wins.
Fuck, okay, now it's 4-2. But Derrick still has the lead.
And...
Fuck! 
Yes!
DERRICK WINS!
He...
is...
still
in
the mothafuckin' game, yo!
Thank you, God.*
Um, what has become of me?
29 comments:
I am going to go ahead and comment on this entry myself and say that I'm still learning how to properly layout pictures on blogspot and I'm annoyed that I can't do it as well as I wish I could do it and some of the text in this blog entry is not exactly how I would like it to look in a perfect world.
But this world tries to be perfect (or doesn't try, as the case may be), this world is not perfect. And neither are my layout skillz.
Okay, so, I've been commenting on your blog for so long that you've created a whole new post while I've been at it.
Oh, and I think you totally picked up the "okay, so," thing from me. Don't believe it's possible? Go back and read some of my blogs. For reals. It's me. And maybe it's also you or ten other people you know, but just the same, it's also me. ;)
I watched the whole Derrick thing very worried for you, dear KiKi. I even said to Keith, "Oh, no! If Derrick goes home, KiKi will cry!" See how I watch reality TV for you?
Oh, and I totally made a mistake and deleted the episode after watching (damn TiVo button-pushing habits). I save all of the episodes for my friend Dawn, who doesn't have cable (I KNOW!!!!) and we get together and do the RW/RR Challenge viewing party thingy over Gimlet Night regularly. I got her hooked back when she had a broken pelvis and I was Nurse Bonnie (this was before she had cancer and I was Nurse Bonnie, but in a way I guess I was in training for being Dawn-has-cancer Nurse Bonnie during the whole Dawn-broke-her-pelvis (again) Nurse Bonnie experience).
Anyway!
So, now I have to TiVo the episode again so that I can put it on VHS for Dawn, and that means I won't get the way cool teaser they do for the Overdrive "After the Show" thingy on first-aired versions of the Challenge. And how much did I love Brad learning what "pet peeve" meant? SO MUCH!!
Okay, so, another thing I thought you'd like is this point (which I figured out today while speaking to two drama classes at the St. Monica School): The reason casting directors love reality TV (besides all of the other reasons ANYONE loves reality TV) is because watching reality TV is like the only time we have "off" from casting, when we're watching TV or films or anything.
When we're watching scripted TV (and even commercials), we're looking at actors and shopping to cast our current projects. We can't help it. Reality TV is LESS LIKELY to have SAG-card-carrying actors on the screen for us to sample.
Not saying I *don't* look for future stars on reality shows... just saying it's a bit more of a "clock out" for me, viewer-wise.
Wow. I am a commenting fool for you tonight!
CRUD. You beat me by less than 20 seconds. Punk!
Who are you calling a punk??? You wanna take this outside? Are you gonna bring it? 'Cuz I think it's been brung.
Bonnie, if we were in the Gauntlet together and our challenge was to see who could comment on this blog entry fastest, your ass would totally be going home!
(But our whole team would be really sad and upset because one of our best players would be leaving.)
(AND we'd be really PISSED that you had to go instead of that girl who never talks and who totally never puts all of her strength into any of the missions and whose name none of us even knows because she never freaking talks.)
Bitch, I so have my chest out at you right now! And I may be a punkass (like yo' momma) but I definitely out-cup you and I will school your ass on Name That Coconut anytime!
(But you would totally win in Beach Brawl.)
(I think we'd tie at Capture the Flag, although I do have a good 50 pounds on you.)
Hmm... I may just punk out like Beth and go home like a bitch. Nah... no way. I'd represent. Why show up if you're not gonna rock out with your cock out, right?
BTW... had I not needed to PEE and POOP (so very "you"), I'd have beaten you to the punch on the timing of that first comment post. Don't MAKE ME start a battle for being "first commenter at EriK's blog entries" now, or you will WISH you were being greased up and wrastlin' Derrick.
Oooh. Now that could be fun!
Hmm.
Suddenly feeling less punkass. Hee!
Actually, I'm not so sure if I would win at beach brawl. All you would have to do is start tickling me and I would turn into a ball of jelly. Fuck, I just told you my weakness.
Yay! You're ticklish! Yay! I'm so not!!!!!!!! Yay! I win! Yay!
But, honestly, I'd more likely be one of those teammates who'd not ever go up against you but instead who would (on the seasons when you're not on the show for some reason, like you're touring and speaking at college campuses about ways to earn money while never being sober or whatever) wear a T-shirt that said, "Where's KiKi?!"
And then all of the cute tweens on message boards (or those of us near 30s who do our RW/RR posting at comment threads in the middle of the night) would say, "Did you see Bon wearing that 'Where's KiKi?!' shirt? She's so badass. I want a shirt like that. Where IS KiKi anyway?!? Let's start a letter-writing campaign."
And then the next season, you'd be on the challenge but I would not (because I'd be on "Girls Behaving Badly" or doing a book tour or somehow stuck in rehab or whatever) and you'd wear a T-shirt that said, "Where's the Bonster?!?" and everyone would post in the forums with questions like, "Where IS the Bonster? I heard she died! No way, man. She's not dead. She's in Lompoc." and all that cool stuff.
That's much more likely.
Though tickle fights are fun too, especially when you can't whistle and aren't ticklish. Freak = me.
BTW, did you catch the 90210 reference above? Didja? ;)
You're description of us on alternating seasons of RR/RW challenges is SO RIGHT ON THE MONEY. I'm sure that's exactly how it would play out.
Isn't it amazing that all of these drunk RR/RW'ers make a living being "real" people? With all of the MTV appearances and the books and the college tours and all of that? I find it amazing. I could never be on RR or RW or any of the challenges. It's just like Burning Man. It sounds like it would be an amazing experience, but I know that as soon as I got there I would be upset that I didn't have any toilet paper and that I had to sleep with so many nasty, literally dirty people. (No disrespect to Burning Man people--I know and love many of you--but roughing it is not for me. Not until we have a nuclear apocolypse and I am FORCED to rough it.)
Bonnie, I am so mad (not really) that you have given me a challenge (in the form of "find the 90210 reference above) right as I'm trying to go to sleep. I think that Lompac must be significant, but I am so not nearly as 90210 knowledgable as you, so you'll have to give me a clue.
"You're description..."??!??????
Oh my god, if Carrie Bradshaw read that, she would so call Miranda and laugh at me right now. (Actually, Carrie would only do that if I was engaged to be married to Big and she was looking for faults with me.)
Still, YOU'RE DESCRIPTIONS?!?#@>TRFG
*giggle*
That is seriously one of my favorite moments in SatC history. Absolutely completely the kind of thing that gets me off... finding such slips and feeling "better than" even for a moment.
It's the little things, really. And it's exactly that kind of sass that makes me cringe (but also know that I totally deserve it) when I come across typos in my columns or books, long after they've been published. *shudder* Ah, imperfect us!
Lompoc IS the answer, my dear! You DO know more about 90210 than you may recall. Lompoc is where Dylan's dad was locked up for part of the second season. Dylan went to visit him there, which is why he was late to the SATs (which he had to take at an alternate location, which is why they questioned his score, which is why he rebelled and chose not to pursue admission to Berkeley since it would mean he'd have to fight the system and all that).
Well done!
Oh, and I'm totally with you on the whole, "I could never do the RW/RR," thing. In fact, I've decided the only reality show I could do is "Big Brother," since they get to live in a house and sleep and play chess and eat PB&J and work out all the time. That's about as much as I could take, in terms of "challenges" put out for reality show contestants. Keith, on the other hand, could absolutely do "The Amazing Race." Not me! I'd last a MINUTE. And then I'd be over it.
MAYBE I could do a show like "America's Next Top Model," simply b/c it's so cushy. Y'know, b/c they would want an old big gal like me on a show like that. ;) Anyway, I'm with you on the whole "livng with dirty people" thing. I think it would just be way too far out of my comfort zone.
Ah, hell. Who am I kidding? Leaving my apartment puts me out of my comfort zone! Heeeeee!
Okay. I've done my blog entry. I'm seriously going to sleep soon. No, really. Promise!
Erik, I was thinking of you the whole time i was watching Derrik in the gauntlet. I knew he'd win because can you imagine Brad as the captain? Yikes! I think D is hot and deserves to win this whole f ing thing. That snarl he gets when he's determined might just be the death of me...
By the way, I bet you i am more addicted and obsessed with reality tv than you....I'm atcually watching and totally in to "Flavor of Love." Can you to that?
Bonnie, the real reason Dylan didn't get into Berkeley was because Luke Perry wasn't ready to leave the show yet, obviously.
Gina, I can't believe you copped to your love of Flavor of Love. You are absolutely a worse addict than me. I mean, I love shows like Made (don't you love Made???), but my love of Made is not embarrassing to admit. You were brave to admit your love of Flavor of Love.
okay, so, not to get in the middle of yours and bonnie's brawl/tickle fight...but i believe you were referring to funnel cakes when talking about "fritter things" covered in powdered sugar that your stomach was craving :) and knott's berry farm has the best funnel cakes! my mom gets one every time...one of her fave things in the world :)
FUNNEL CAKES!
Thank you. Yes. That's it. You have eased my mind. I think the reason I forgot what they were called is that I eat too much sushi and I probably have mercury poisoning which causes memory loss and you may be thinking "oh, Erik, what an incorrigible hypochondriac" right now, but it's very possible, just ask Daphne Zuniga.
And Jessica (aqr), you can butt into a tickle fight of mine any time. (That sounded kind of dirty and it SO was not meant to be dirty because, um, gross.)
BIG NEWS: I just gave Audrey Horne kleenex.
Less reality T.V., more FUNNEL CAKE! (Though the both make one fat.) It's like a dream, that funnel cake. It's the whole reason to go to a fair. Any fair. Any fair with fresh delicious funnel cake. I haven't had one since labor day weekend. MAN!
Lindsay
Joe. You cannot leave me hanging. I must know more. I need to know more. This is big. You just gave a kleenex to Audrey Horne??? This is hecka big.
Did you get her phone number?
Lindsay, aren't fairs the best? Sometimes I kinda want to drop everything and get a job at a traveling carnival/fair and just live the good life, you know?
I'm at work. I'm looking at my computer(not working, mind you, I rarely do that). Someone is asking the girl who works next to me for a kleenex. Without looking up I say, "I have some." I look up. My brain screams, "HOLY SHIT IT'S AUDREY FUCKING HORNE" I tell my brain to watch it's language, my brain says "AUDREY FUCKING HORNE." Then my brain says, "She's short. Really short." She took the kleenex and said someting about having a runny nose day. Then she walked away. I feel like I've accomplished something today. I'm taking the rest of the day off.
P.S. Sherilynn Fenn is not as hot as Audrey Horne, mostly because she's short, but also because there isn't sexy music playing and you're not afraid she'll kiss you just to get you caught in a compromising position.
Joe, I've never met or seen Sherilynn Fenn in real life, but I've seen her on Gilmore Girls and some other guest star thingamabobs, and you're right, she's not nearly as hot as Audrey Fucking Horne was, and part of that is most definitely because she doesn't have her own theme music playing all the time. We should all have our own theme music that would make us all more sexy.
My theme song would definitely be something by the Fugees.
Joe, I am so annoyed because I got an email with your comment in it, like, hours ago, but for some reason my internet server hasn't been letting me open up my blog so I haven't been able to REPLY to your comment until right now, and when I first read it I had this fantasy of saying what song would be MY theme song, and then other people playing along and there being a comment frenzy with people saying what song they would choose to be their theme song if they could have a theme song that played everytime they entered a room.
Anyway.
My theme song would definitely be "I Love Rocky Road" by Weird Al Yankovic.
this song? this makes life more sexy?
i dunno.
i don't want just one song. i want a whole playlist. a soundtrack, really.
on second thought, i think my life already has one. it's difficult, really, to live such a freakin' sexy existence.
xo
lindsay
1. thank you for mentioning Weird Al, I just loaded his polkas onto my iPod.
2. I was trying really hard to think of my real song, but couldn't find the perfect one, so I thought I might get a chuckle out of the Fugees.
3. I think thats the perfect summation of who I am as a person. I try really hard to do the perfect and right thing, then I realize that although the problem is solvable, it will be very difficult so I opt to do something that will be funny, and also very easy. The key is that it's easy, funny is a positive benefit(i should blog about this theory about myself).
Bonnie, I saw Blake tonight and he told me to send his love to you!
(Don't you love how our worlds intersect and we haven't even met IRL yet? I walked up to Blake and I said "Bonnie is my NBFF! Whaddya think of that, huh?")
Lindsay,
First of all, I don't really think that "I Love Rocky Road" would make my life sexier. Like Joe with his Fugees comment (who actually are kinda sexy), I was trying to be funny.
Secondly, I can imagine that your life is pretty damn sexy without a soundtrack.
And third(ly), if I had to pick a real song to be the soundtrack to my life, a real song that would make my life more sexy, and if I'm not allowed to choose "Audrey's Theme" from Twin Peaks (because it's already AUDREY'S theme and therefore cannot be mine) then I think I would pick a Jeff Buckly song. I can't pick which one right now. Maybe the entire Grace album, if I'm allowed to choose a whole album rather than just one song.
*giggle*
I think it totally rocks b/c Blake actually called here tonight (while I was out at dinner) and left a message saying he was on his way to T@9 and then here you've talked to him and I just think that's so cool and "small town"-ish.
Hee hee.
I just imagine him telling you, "Hey, you tell Bon to call me back, okay?" And you telling him, "Yo, Blake, I've never met the girl in real life but I can already tell you she's way more of an email person than a phone person, y'know?"
I seriously need a nap. Like now.
1) right?
2) I don't care that he's short.
3) oh yes, I want to meet Spike too. I think Audrey Horne and Spike are pretty much equivalent on the hotness scale.
4) I saw the first half of the first episode of this season's real world. I kinda feel like the only reason the show is still on is so that MTV will have new people for the Gauntlet/Inferno shows (which is fine by me) (is Road Rules even still on anymore?).
5) we were supposed to have our sleepover tonight!!
I KNOW I SUCK.
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