as I turn my mind into mush, some of the tv that's rattling around in there

My Tivo was getting way way way backed up, so I had to have a couch potato-fest—I fuycking had to—wow, I love the word “fuycking”—(when I was in high school I went through a “phase” where I wanted to be Irish, and I would go around talking in an Irish accent) (this is particularly funny if you’ve ever heard me try to do an accent, because I am really bad at accents) (and during this period of time I really loved saying “fek”) (but now I want to start saying “fuycking”) (because “fuycking” definitely sounds different than “fucking”) (it’s actually a little softer) (like, it should be an acceptable alternative when the word “fucking” just isn’t going to be allowed) (like in church) (“if they fuycking tell us to stand up one more time…” “hand me a fuycking bible…” “did you ever notice how cute the fuycking cantor is?” etc.)—but what I was saying was that I fuycking had to watch a lot of television this weekend—it was imperative—because if I didn’t watch it, my Tivo was going to start deleting things, and I wasn’t going to allow that to happen.

While I was watching all of this television, I had several TV-related thoughts, questions, and concerns, and I started jotting them down, and here they are.

I was going to call this a “pop culture round-up” but that would imply that I was going to talk about more than just television, and I’m not, or at least I don’t think I’m going to. There’s no rhyme or reason to the following. Here goes.

1. I have a new celebrity crush. Maybe he doesn’t really qualify as a “celebrity” crush, since most people probably don’t know his name (though I do) (I mean, of course I do—he’s my new crush), so maybe I should call him my new actor crush.

2. Speaking of crushes, remember how I stumbled across that Stefy show at the Virgin megastore and crushed on the keyboard player and then stood in the autograph line to meet him afterwards and told him that he has “a great energy onstage” (I was talking to Eleanor, and she was like “I can’t believe you said that you said that on your blog, that’s a really embarrassing thing to admit that you said”) and then I semi-stalked him (via MySpace) and found out that he’s married? Remember that? Yeah, okay, anyway, I’ve been listening to Stefy’s album (like, a lot) and I kinda love it and I am such a 16-year-old girl sometimes. Because this is seriously 16-year-old girl music. I’m listening to it right now. (Song titles include “Where are the boys?” “Hey School Boy,” and “Lucky Girl.”)

3. Based on the first episode of the new season, I want Cao Boi to become the next sole Survivor. Based on the first episode of the new season, I’m totally in love with Survivor again. (Does the “again” imply that I was ever not in love with Survivor? Because I’m a whore for Survivor. I love it. I need to dig up my old Survivor audition tape and get my brother Josh to help me upload it onto the computer and put it on youtube. Because that was some funny shit.)

4. I watched thirty minutes of Bonanza. I had never seen Bonanza before. Was Bonanza the worst show in the history of television? Actually, I shouldn’t say that. Even though what I saw was terrible, I will admit that it was compulsively watchable. Like, I couldn’t change the channel. I had to see how the episode was going to end. But SO melodramatic. And the acting was wretched. (The episode I watched involved a blind woman who was engaged to Michael Landon and then tripped on a rug and suddenly GOT HER VISION BACK and then pretended that she was still blind because she was afraid that the only reason Michael Landon wanted to marry her was because she was blind and he felt pity for her and of course Michael Landon’s father catches the “blind” woman primping in a mirror and so he knows that she’s faking her blindness and every single scene was punctuated by at least thirty meaningful glances at the ceiling, telegraphing that the actors were “conflicted.”) The show was on for 14 years, so I suppose it was considered quality in the sixties, but compared to some of the (truly) great acting that goes on in today’s world of TV, Bonanza’s really campy now.

5. Somebody should produce a late night stage version of Bonanza, like they did in the 90s at the (then) Westwood Playhouse with The Real Live Brady Bunch. It might be really funny. (Then again, maybe not.)

6. I get the impression that Ellen doesn’t like to dance anymore.

7. Which makes me really sad.

8. Because there’s nothing better than watching someone dance with pure abandon and joy (okay maybe there are lots of things better than that, but it’s still high up there on the list of “pretty great things”) and when I was watching Ellen dance at the beginning of her talk show yesterday I felt like her interior monologue was “I can’t believe I locked myself into this she-dances-at-the-beginning-of-every-show thing.” It just really felt like the last thing in the world that she wanted to be doing was dancing.

9. She seemed engaged again when she was doing her interviews, it was just the dancing that felt off.

10. Whatever happened to her British DJ Tony? He’s not on the show anymore and I miss him. Maybe I’m not a 16-year-old girl, maybe I’m an 80-year-old woman. Whatever. I still miss Tony, the British DJ. Where the hell did he go?

11. I’m totally into Aaron Sorkin’s new show, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Totally into it.

12. I want the woman with one leg to win Amazing Race. (Is it wrong for me to call her “the woman with one leg?” I don’t know any of their names yet. It always takes me a couple of episodes to learn peoples names.) Either the woman with one leg couple, or the black moms, or the coal miner couple. Those are the three teams I’m rooting for, outta the gate.

13. Did you know that Sarah Jessica Parker’s favorite show on television is The Amazing Race? Yeah. Seriously.

14. I think my mom and I would make a good Amazing Race team.

15. This is totally off topic, but my mom and I have been going through some heavy shit, relationship-wise, but we just had a breakthrough where we hit a wall with each other and then pushed through the wall and had a real (tough but real) conversation and it was really good. I’m not going to get into any of the nitty-gritty, but suffice it to say that we had a lot of stuff to work through and we worked through a large chunk of it, and I feel really good about where we are right now, and I think that if we went on an Amazing Race around the world, we would make for some REALLY GREAT FUYCKING TELEVISION. There would be lots of crying and some of the physical parts of the race would be rough, but I think that racing around the world and scaling walls and jumping off cliffs together would be good for our relationship and did I say that we’d make for some really compelling television right now? Because we would. (Yes, producers of Amazing Race, I’m talking to you.)

16. This isn’t related to television, but I’ve already gotten off-topic, so I want to recommend Half Nelson. It’s a great movie. It makes me really happy to not be addicted to crack and it kind of makes me want to be a high school girl’s basketball coach at an inner-city high school. But that’s just me—I’m impressionable. Ryan Gosling and Shareeka Epps are amazing in it. Actually, all of the acting in the movie’s pretty damn amazing. None of it feels like acting.

17. I think that Joss Whedon should cast Charisma Carpenter as Wonder Woman. Supposedly he’s looking for an actress in her early 20s, but come on: the Wonder Woman from the comic book (and from the 70s television show) has always been at least a solid 33-years-old. Give the role to Charisma.

18. Lukas Rossi (the new lead singer of the band now known as “Rockstar: Supernova”) needs to stop saying the word “man” at the end of every sentence, man. I keep reading all of these interviews with him, man, and he uses the word “man” at the end of every sentence, man. I swear, man. It might sound cool in real life, man, but when you’re talking to a print journalist, man, the word “man” starts to look funny so many times on the page, man. You know what I mean, man? I’m happy for you, man. Even though I didn’t really want you to win, man. But I’ve gotten over that, man. Now I think you’re a good fit for the band, man, and Dilana and Toby and Storm are going to rock their own careers, man, so I’m not feeling sorry for them not winning anymore, man. But enough with the “man,” man.

19. TV Land had a “Three’s Company” marathon over the weekend and I miss John Ritter.

20. I never saw Snakes on a Plane and I feel like a bad person. A really really bad person.