Wednesday, September 06, 2006

New Thing #139: Rocking Genitals Expression Contest ends on FRIDAY

Reminder: The "doing-something-wild-with-your-genitalia-to-express-a-rock-on, dude-attitude" contest ends on Friday at midnight, Pacific Standard Time.

(If the contest name doesn't make sense and you don't feel like clinking the link above to read more about it, then the basics are thus: come up with phrases that involve genitalia and rocking, a la "rock out with your cock out.")

The creator of the best new phrase gets this shirt as a prize:

The shirt's being provided by my friend Adam, who happens to be in Cambodia right now, so he's the Official Judge and the winner of the contest will be determined by Adam and Adam only. (And Adam, you fucking rock, I love the shirt.)

Oh, and the idea of the contest was Adam's, inspired by Lindsay's original phrase "jam out with your clam out," and I think Adam has decided that Lindsay is disqualified because she provided the inspiration for the contest in the first place (thereby making her ineligable for the same reason that "employees of CBS are not allowed to compete on Survivor," but maybe Adam will get Lindsay a t-shirt anyway?)

Contest entries so far: (in order of receipt)

1. do your damage with your clammage (submitted by aimie)

2. rock the moon with your poon (submitted by aimie)

3. it's okay to freak out with your deek out (submitted by aimie)

4. Dance like Madge with your vag (submitted by jesse)

5. Open the trunk with your junk (submitted by jesse)

6. gimme a smooch as if you liked the cootch (submitted by jesse)

7. it's not wussy, use your pussy (submitted by lindsay)

8. make it hot with your twat (submitted by lindsay)

9. do no wrong with your dong (submitted by lindsay)

10. better believe her, that's some beaver! (submitted by lindsay)

11. bring your balls to the ball (submitted by joe c.)

12. be a genius, take out your penis (submitted by joe c.)

13. take your penis out of your pants and headbang to this awesome rock music (submitted by joe c.)

14. Thrash out with your gash out (submitted by bonbon)

15. Jerk in with your merkin (submitted by bonbon)

16. let the rock get caught in your twat (submitted by aimie)

17. feel the music grunt in your cunt (submitted by aimie)

18. dance out rock woes on your cameltoes (submitted by aimie)

19. metal tempo and time feels fine on my gine (submitted by aimie)

20. you can crank or yank that wank because the music is rank! (submitted by aimie)

21. shake your bones out with your stones out (disqualified entry/example offered by adam)

22. rock the boat out with your scrote out (disqualified entry/example offered by adam)

23. jam that song out with your schlong out (disqualified entry/example offered by adam)

24. shake your legs out with your eggs out (disqualified entry/example offered by adam)

25. Send em out with your pudendum out (disqualified entry/example offered by adam)

Keep your submissions coming!


TheDarkerUma said...



TheDarkerUma said...

shake out the lovin from the whooooo haaa!

TheDarkerUma said...

and my entry should be sung to the song....

"let's get the rhythm of the hooooot doooog!"

Erik said...

whatcha doing up? aren't you going outta town tomorrow? you needs your sleep?


Erik said...

but i'm glad that, since you're awake, you're entering the contest before you go out of town. that makes me happy.

Erik said...

i don't know the hot dog song you speak of. is it a canada song?

Erik said...

oh, and urp: you're always saying that i don't add new pics to my myspace page often enough, so i just took a photo with my phone about twenty minutes ago and i posted it. it's me without my mustache.

TheDarkerUma said...

love the pic. thanx for honoring (sp?....getting sleepy now) the request.

i guess this is something you don't know about me. but i can never can sleep the night before i fly.

as for the lyrics, i think i learnt the song from sesame street (technically when i lived in canada). it's one of those songs that you clap to like "patty cake", but in my humble opinion, it has a bit more soul.

lyrics below:

Down Down Baby
rendition from "Irene and the Big Fine Nickel"
published by Little Brown

Down down baby
Down down baby
Down down the roller coaster
Sweet sweet baby I'll never let you go
Shimmy shimmy co co pa
Shimmy shimmy pow
Shimmy shimmy co co pa
Shimmy shimmy pow

Grandma, grandma sick in bed
She called the doctor and the doctor said

Let's get the rhythm of the head
Ding dong
Let's get the rhythm of the head
Ding dong

Let's get the rhythm of the hands
Clap clap
Let's get the rhythm of the hands
Clap clap

Let's get the rhythm of the feet
Stomp stomp
Let's get the rhythm of the feet
Stomp stomp

Let's get the rhythm of the hot dog
Let's get the rhythm of the hot dog

Put it all together and what do you get
Ding dong clap clap
Stomp stomp hot dog

Put it all backwards and what do you get
Hot dog stomp stomp
Clap clap ding dong

Erik said...

That is the weirdest song in the history of the world.

Erik said...

oh, and i didn't know the thing about you not being able to slep the night before a flight. weird. (not weird that you can't sleep, but weird that i didn't know that.)

Anonymous said...

thank you for stating what i was about to, erik: adam should get me my own damn t-shirt.

here are some reasons off the top of my head:
a) because he loves me.
b) because, like he said, that beaver one was inspired.
c) because i hung out with him when he was trying avoid that underwear model and law students in general.
d) because he loves me.
e) because i didn't get mad when he'd watch episodes of arrested development without me.
f)because i look good in shirts.


Erik said...

Lindsay, here are some more reasons Adam should get you a shirt:

g) because the writer of this blog (the only blog Adam reads) said so.
h) not only because you look good in shirts, but because you look dang fine in shirts.
i) because when was the last time Lindsay was in Cambodia and could get a shirt there for herself? (Pause.) Exactly.
j) because ykayo
k) because: "get hosed with your taint exposed"
l) because: "get your game on with your flame on"
m) because: "jump around with your tits on the ground"
n) because none of my three genitals rock on expressions really make any sense.
o) because you love her.

Erik said...

my pronouns are confusing in that last comment. sometimes the "you" is referring to Adam and sometimes the "you" is referring to Lindsay, but I think it's all decipherable.


Anonymous said...





adam said...

i definitely missed the memo where all of you decided to end your emails with things like yvbhghkq. but maybe they actually stand for something. like lindsay's last one: ylomrvlk. is that "you look out my rear view like kansas"? it has to be right?

and erik's last one: ivhanh. "illegible veneers have always noticed him." again, a no brainer.

urp's is a little tougher: gnymrw. my first thought was "got nothing you might really want," but that's DEFINITELY not true. maybe "great news, you masturbate really well." yeah, that's gotta be it.

and just so we're all clear on this: i had ALREADY bought lindsay a t-shirt BEFORE you made the list. because she's lindsay and is the kind of person who makes you want to by her a t-shirt (and all of the other reasons you [lindsay] and you {erik} listed above--except your {erik's} reason (j) [because "you know already you orangutan" is not really a reason]--and ESPECIALLY your (lindsay's) reasons (a) (d) and (f) {because i really do love you [lindsay] (and i also love you erik, but maybe a little less than lindsay)).

but i got you (lindsay) a medium, because i know you're a small, but the people here are real small, and i don't think your boobs would get into a small here. they might, but then the t-shirt would read caMBODia, because it would be real stretched out where your boobs were.

now, to business: urp's submission automatically gets 21 extra points because it is set to a song. it, however, loses half of those points because it is, according to erik, a canadian song, and as we all know, everything is only worth half in canada. but i'm not good at math, so let's just say she gets 11. wooha, is pretty good vocab, but it just doesn't quite meet the high standard set by gash, cameltoe, and vag. and maybe it's a language thing, because urp speaks urpish first and 'merkin second, but i don't see no rhymes in there. if there is one and i'm missing it, please advise and i'll reconsider your (urp's) submission.

get hosed with your taint exposed. this is like when prometheus stole fire from the gods: it is brilliant, but i think it's too early to know what to do with it. we may have to wait fifteen years for america's vocabular to catch up with this. but definitely itrftlfcoc. definitely.

jump around with your tits on the ground makes me think of a national geographic article on the botswana hill people's annual rain dance. there should be extra points for that, probably.

get your game on with your flame on. isn't this spike lee's new movie about gay basketball players?

well, tomorrow i'm leaving cambodia (yeah yeah, i know, the smiths: cambodia it was really nothing, heaven knows i'm cambodia now, cambodia is dead, cambodia in a coma...). so any further t-shirt competitions will have to be vietnamese or burmese (and i'm not sure if they make t-shirts in myanmar).



Erik said...

Okay, first of all: LINDSAY! You're getting a shirt!

Word is right.


"adam has pretty klever shirt habits"

Erik said...

Now, ADAM:

I'm sorry I forgot to send the memo to you (or maybe I sent it to you at your address in the states, but you were already in Cambodia). The whacky letter thing is the word verification letters, and Urp actually was the first one to let the letters stand for something (she had this one comment where she was like "afxiy--a fixation xeroxed is yellow" and when i read that statement, i was totally like "huh?" and completely forgot that we were doing the word verification letters thing and just sat there, like: "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???" Pondering, pontificating, trying to translate from Canadian to Californian, but then I realized they were the letters and now it's kinda my favorite poetic phrase and when I find myself in an awkward moment, a lull in a conversation, per se, I'll just say "a fixation xeroxed is yellow" and that kinda says everything that needs to be said, you know?

But you brought the letters-into-real-phrases game to the next level.

YES, they DO all stand for something.

Like, for example, when you were all, "yvbhghkq," i was like, "yeah, very bad hands DO govern heavenly klezmertic queers."

And you're right about Lindsay's "ylomrvlk." It IS "you look out my rear view like kansas"? So so true (and sad, in a sad poet kinda way).

However, I'd quibble with the whole "illegible veneers have always noticed [me]" thing, but that's a debate for another day.

Now, on to your query about Url's "gnymrw." Your second guess was absolutely right: "great news, you masturbate really well." Having slept underneath her (in bunk beds, of course) for several years, all I can say is yes, yes, and yes to that statement. (And I take pleasure in the fact that Urp is out of town right now and she probably won't check my blog as regularly as she usually does, so she won't say anything to dispute my statement for maybe a couple of days! ha!)

oh, and, uh: "you know already you orangutan" is SO fucking really a real reason for getting Lindsay a shirt, you orangtard.

It's okay that you love me "maybe a little less than" Lindsay, as long as you love me, Adam. That's all I ask for.

I am not going to make any comments about Lindsay's boobs, I'll leave them to Lindsay to reply to. (However, I would like to say, since I haven't said it in a really long time, and I don't even remember what the context was that originally made me say it, but whatever: "Eleanor's boobies."

In reply to your notes about my submissions, I first want to say that I don't think I should be allowed to win. (Not that I would have.) I just think that since I'm the host and all (it's my blog, yo), that winning wouldn't be kosher.

but thanks for comparing my taint line to "when prometheus stole fire from the gods." That's the best compliment ever. Remember that moment in As Good As It Gets, when Helen Hunt is like "Say something nice to me" or whatever she says, and Jack Nicholson is like "you make me want to be a better person" and then Helen Hunt is like "that was the best compliment anyone ever gave me," well, obviously no one had ever compared one of her genital phrases to "when prometheus stole fire from the gods."

and thanks for saying "itrftlfcoc," too.

"it's the real fucking thing, like for cheap old cock" indeed.

the tits one was very national geographic. i don't know if that's a plus or not.

Spike Lee's new movie about gay basketball players is actually called: Baby's Got Balls.

Okay, so ADAM: you're leaving Cambodia tomorrow? I guess that means we should have probably ended the contest tonight or something, but I already said that the final deadline was Friday at Midnight california time. I'm not sure if we'll get anymore suggestions, but we should keep it open since I said that. Will you be able to check the blog on Saturday for the final phrases? They have internet access everywhere, don't they?


very old harpies in question, oh dionysian evangelicals!

aimie said...

okay, so, i'm out of inspiration. so, adam, can i just pay you to get me a cool tshirt? i'll give you a tip for your pip. but, of course, i'm just talking about money.

and, i'm also at my dad's house in washington so my brain is not inspired with rock/genital slang.

rock cock block.

TheDarkerUma said...


for someone who slept above me for so long you know didley squat about what constitutes as me (ahem), masturbating.

however, i do appreciate adam's kudos.

i, however have accurate memories of you making strange noises while watching strange images, on that ol' laptop of yours. and i would see your toes twitching from under your covers. and i would dare myself to look further.


you remember one person forgetting every necessary detail

Bonnie said...

I am so freakin' excited about this awesome T-Shirt!!!!!!


vacationing clammers never have waterwings

Bonnie said...

I just wanted to mention that I never received my T-shirt. :( Boo!

Erik said...

BonBon, I know! I've had your freaking shirt for a year!!!! :)

Ahhhh! What's wrong with us for not having seen each other since our Dan Tana's date oh so long ago??!?!??