Monday, September 25, 2006

I suppose all of my cars must be inaugurated with some strange liquid

Case in point:

My first car was a Mercury Topaz. (I forget the year, but it was old.) One day I parked the Paz and left several (as in four) fairly large candles on the dashboard. (I don't remember why I had the candles in the first place, so don't ask.) A few hours later, when I returned to the Paz, I failed to notice that the candles had all melted and the sunken dashboard had turned into a little wax lake. I started the car, accelerated, and then SPLASH: my whole passenger seat was suddenly coated in hot liquid wax, that never ever really went away.

My second car was a Toyota Camry. (I forget the year, but it was old.) (Not as old as the Paz, though.) One day I bought some deodorant at Rite-Aid (surely because it was mid-afternoon and I'd run out of deodorant at home and desperately needed to put some on) and I left the gel deodorant in that little crevice in between the driver's seat and the passenger's seat--you know the spot I'm talking about, where some cars have their parking break. Anyway, I left the deodorant there one afternoon and it all melted out of the tube and into that little crevice and then I had deodorant in that dumb little crevice of my car for the rest of the car's existence.

I'm now on my third car. It's a Toyota Corolla. (I think) (I'm not very car observant, but I'm pretty sure it's a Toyota Corolla) (it's younger than my previous two cars, but it's not new or anything.) Anyway, today I got in my car and I was like, "uh...what's that smell?" And then I looked over at the passenger seat and noticed that, uh, yeah, I accidentally left a tube of butter sitting on the passenger seat yesterday (don't ask) and the entire tube of butter melted and, yeah, now the passenger seat has been entirely coated in butter and I don't know how to get rid of the smell.

I'm serious: I do not know how to get rid of the smell. IT SMELLS LIKE BUTTER. (Which, actually, isn't the worst smell in the world.) (I mean, it ain't for nothing that most cooks are like "just add butter if you want it to taste better.)

18 comments:

frank's wild lunch said...

First.

Jesse said...

there's a passenger lube joke, just waiting to be made, but I'm classy and wouldn't stoop to such levels...well ok, not really.

j-dō said...

what is a tube of butter? I have never seen one. i have only seen a tub and a stick. is it like toothpaste and you can squeeze a bit on your corn whenever you need to? fill me in because i <3 butter!

Anonymous said...

Well, first I would add popcorn...but that's just me! Then, are the seats cloth or leather? You could try one of those stain removing agents that they sell. If that doesn't help get rid of some of the odor, then I'd try something with a better counter-odor or one of those odor-neutralizing sprays...though you don't want your car to smell like your bathroom either. Oh my god, I can't believe I'm actually trying to answer this seriously!!!

willam said...

speaking of liquids, we can bring them on planes again...yay KY warmin gel. put that on your list for year of firsts too come/cum to think of it.

Erik said...

Frank's Wild Lunch: sixth.

Erik said...

Jesse, since when are you classy?

Erik said...

j'do:

I meant "stick" of butter, the "tube" thing was a mistake, but now I think maybe we should look into copyrighting the damn thing because Tubes of Butter sound like a fucking awesome idea. Total million dollar idea.

Erik said...

Dear Anonymous,

is this Ilene?!?

I think so.

Thank you for taking my butter-smelling car seriously.

xoxo

Erik said...

willam, i totally hadn't heard that we can bring liquids on planes again.

hallelujia. i've never had sex on an airplane, but maybe i should try to find a way to make that happen before the year's up.

Adam said...

hi erik, that quite unfortunate about your passenger seat. i'm no expert but i've listened to car talk allot... not a big fan but my parents were... and from such a remarkable wealth of effed up car stories.. i can make these few unsubstantiated predictions and recommendation about what the eff to do with your buttered seat... first, apparently the only smell other than hurricane katrina flood water rotting body smell that will ruin a car as in throw it away Now! ... is spilled milk (no personal experience only car talk). second, butter might not be as bad because it's milk that's already rotted a bit but it could be just as hard to get rid of b/c the fat molecules will bind to the polymers in the seat and never go away. and third, such polymers will continue to slowly rot as long as you own your car. so, my recommendation is to unbolt the seat and throw it away ASAP. this could be a temporary or a permanent solution. as a temporary solution, you should be able to replace the seat from a junkyard.. or internet junk yard as a permanent solution if indeed your car is a corolla it could turn out to be blessing in disguise. if you've ever been to mexico city aka D.F. and had the pleasure of riding in a Volkswagen bug (old one) taxi the ingenuitive mexicans remove the passenger seat to allow for more spacious and efficient access to the back seat.. so you could have a more spacious corolla for all you many passengers.... you don't know me but brigid will likely introduce us someday...

Erik said...

Adam, I have a lot of remarkably effed up car stories myself (i.e. the time I drove away from a gas station with the pump still in my car and then heard a big clatter and then saw in my rearview mirror this angry gas station attendant running after me and I pulled over and it was like my car had grown a pump tail) (or the time my car rolled down Los Feliz Blvd. while I was at a friend's house having dinner and the car caused a horrible traffic jam) (or the time my accelerator got stuck and I drove about twenty miles without ONCE touching the accelerator, just milking the brake the whole time, hoping that I wouldn't hit anyone at red lights) (or, well, there's more, there's more, I'm just a terrible driver) but despite all of my car woes, I have managed to retain absolutely no knowledge about cars whatsoever and your comment was eye opening. I never even considered the fact that butter is a milk product and that "the fat milecules will bind to the polymers in the seat and never go away."

Holy crap!

I think you're right. I think I need to get rid of the seat. Ack! Ack!

I LOVE BRIGID. Any friend of Brigid is good in my book.

p.s. i've never been to Mexico.

Jesse said...

no one has asked this...why was a lone stick of butter hanging out on your passenger seat, and what were you doing that lead you to forget about it?

Screw Scott's hand...what about the Lone Stick of Butta!

Erik said...

Oh Jesse, wouldn't you like to know?

Anonymous said...

How did you know it was me?! (Ilene) Yes, the one whose brain has also turned to mush from too much television this season. (but I'm loving every minute of it!)

frank's wild lunch said...

sixteenth.

All of my weird car stories involve vomit. Not always mine.

Erik said...

Ilene, I totally knew it was you because you're my favorite cousin, that's why! (And don't tell any of the other cousins I said that.)

Erik said...

fwl, every single one of my cars has been vomit free, knock on wood!