Fresh Meat--episode 3--real actual LIVE blogging of the episode

This is the first time I'm actually live-blogging live. Does that make this New Thing #98, then?

Yes, it does. (Sorry, Lindsay Lindsay.) (But still--I promise that for every MTV-centric blog entry, I will publish at least 5 or 6 non-MTV-centric blog posts.) (I'm totally adding this note on the commercial right now. Is that cheating? To go back and add things after I've already posted chunks of the "live" blog? Does that make this NOT live?) (Whatever, it's live.)

I don't know if I can do this without pausing occasionally. (The last two times I "live-blogged" Fresh Meat, I was able to pause and rewind when I wanted to enjoy, oh, fuck, the show is back on, now I have to scroll to the ottom and keep "live-blogging." Oy!) ("ottom," ha.)

I've already missed so many things.

Tina is really mad. She has been doing this shit for years. I'm not sure if she should be so proud.

Oh, look, Melinda--you're talking to Danny on the phone. Remember how you said you were going to die because he was gone? Or, you said something like that. I don't usually notice boobs, but Melinda's boobs are, like, characters on this show.

Okay, um, in Melinda's testimonial, why does her hair look so bad?

Jesse is so gay. He's gay. He's totally gay.

Look at Coral's boobs. I'm all about the boobs tonight, apparently--or the cameramen are all about the boobs, because that shot of Coral just now was SO boob-centric.

I don't think I can do this without pausing. Everything moves too quickly. I am HUNGRY. I want chocolate. Okay, there's some sort of challenge that's happening right now, involving jail cells and eating some sort of slop.

Either Ryan/Melinda or Casey/Wes need to win this challenge if they don't want to go into exile, but I hope neither of them win because I want the Austen kids to have to pick each other off one by one and go home, home, home.

Tanya's team is going against Katie's team right now. I totally missed what TJ was saying about what the rules of this specific challenge are. I don't know what they're supposed to be doing. Um, this is such a trainwreck of a post.

Commercials are on. I'm going to publish what I've got. This is live, y'all!

More at the next commercial.

BACK:

Okay, apparently they are looking for keys in the slop, and they can only find the keys with their mouths and then they get out of the cells they're locked in and then they have to run, and Tanya just won the first round.

People are grodyied out (how do you spell grodyied?) about "eating out of Tanya's bowl." I don't know why they're so worried. I mean, after all of these years, they've all already eaten out of Tanya's bowl at least once or twice. (And when I say they've "eaten out of her bowl," I mean that they've "eaten her pussy.") (Because we're talking about Tanya here.)

Jesse and Johanna lost their key. That was a really dumb move. They were too busy thinking about Tanya's bowl. Jesse's kind of cocky. And gay. Very gay.

Okay, now Melinda and Ryan are eating out of Tanya's bowl, and Wes and Casey are eating out of other bowls, and Melinda and Ryan don't seem to have any problems eating out of Tanya's bowl and they won that round.

Poor Casey. "I've got the least athletic and least intelligent person as a partner" Wes just said.

WES, YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

Now Chanda is really upset. She doesn't want to eat out of ANYONE'S bowl, least of all Tanya's. They're worried about snot in the bowl, but they should be worried about a lot of other things in Tanya's bowl. Am I taking the "Tanya's bowl" thing too far?

OOOOOOOO GO DERRICK AND DIEM!!! Go! They did okay, I think they were in the other cell, not in Tanya's cell.

Coral and Evan appear to be falling in love. If that's not MTV foreplay, I don't know what MTV foreplay is. They are ALL OVER EACH OTHER and losing on purpose. Losing on purpose = love.

Okay, the challenge is over. Tonya and her partner got 2nd place. Apparently everyone else was SO worried about eating out of Tanya's bowl that they couldn't eat nearly as fast enough, except for Theo and Chanda, who were really worried about eating puke and shit, but not worried enough to not win. I am trying to type really fast. Fuck this is making me hungry. Seriously. Typing makes me hungry.

Okay, so Wes and Casey the Idiot (I feel bad that I just called her an idiot) (I just became Wes) (let me rephrase that--), okay, so Wes the Asshole Fuckwad and Casey the Sweety are now in Exile against Melinda and Ryan. I missed what the instructions were, again. Okay, commercials! Commercials mean I hit "publish," thereby making this "live." Here ya go.

Okay, I'm watching commercials right now. This has been really stressful. This "live" blogging thing. I think it's really funny that Lindsay Lindsay has already commented and that she got first because she HATES the MTV blog posts. And I love that Steve checked in to see if I was live-blogging it WHILE he was watching it. Or while he's watching it RIGHT NOW. This is LIVE, people. I'm housesitting, or dogsitting, rather. And I can't find ANY chocolate in the kitchen. I NEED SOME CHOCOLATE. Like, this craving for chocolate is really huge right now. This craving is, like, as big as Melinda's boobs.

Okay, so get this:

The following google searches brought people to my blog today:

1. vince vaughn's hand (conspiracy theorists, take note!)
2. mtv fresh meatovarian cancer (notice that "meatovarian" is one word)
3. johnnie and mtv and hot and fresh meat
4. real world fresh meat spoilers wins coral
5. mtv fresh meat spoilers
6. mtv fresh meat diem
7. bttf clock tower game
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9. gilda radnor
10. jesse, fresh meat, gay
11. mtv fresh meatovarian cancerdiem
12. diem cyst
13. coral mtv naked
14. will forte spelling bee skit link
15. louis prima wrote
16. go pre shirt nike
17. fresh meat - mtv - diem
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19. derrick and diem
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21. jesse, fresh meat
22. diem and derrick the challenge

Are people SUPER obsessed with Fresh Meat? Or am I the ONLY PERSON blogging about Fresh Meat and therefore the few people who are googling it are all coming to my site?

Oh, fuck, we're back from commercials:

la la la, okay, they are on a race and they have to do puzzles. I have to say that the "exile" portions of Fresh Meat are really lame. These races pretty much lack any drama. BORING.

'kay, Melinda and Ryan won the first "puzzle" and their prize was that they got to drop their bags, which they've been carrying with them and it looked like Ryan and Melinda would win but apparently they're supposed to have flags with them and they forgot their first flag or something.

Um, Casey just hocked (hawked?) the biggest loogie I have ever seen on television. I wanna be all "you can't do that on television," but apparently you can.

Okay, they aren't showing us the end of the challenge...wait, now they're cutting to the house...Wes and Casey won, of course, because Ryan and Melinda forgot their flag or whatever.

GOODBYE Melinda and Ryan. Arrivaderci, sayanaro, ciao. Melinda gets to go back to Danny, now. That's what she wants and it's what I want. Oh my god, this is boring, but I just remembered that Danny's partner, Ev, the cocky girl, remember her? I found her MySpace page and she and Danny are having a total fued on MySpace and it's really funny and I don't have the link to it right now but you should go find it. Everyone on this show is insane.

(except for Derrick)

What a lame blog post. I'm sorry, Lindsay Lindsay.