"Live-blogging" Fresh Meat Episode Two

Okay, so after I “live-blogged” the first episode of MTV’s Fresh Meat last week, a few people told me that I should “live-blog” every episode. The problem with trying to “live-blog” every episode is that, in order for the “live-blogging” to really be, like, timely, it should actually be done, like, “live,” which is why I keep putting the phrase “live-blogging” in quotes. Because Fresh Meat was on last night and I’m only now watching it for the first time. (Which should in no way reflect my feelings for this awesome show.) (I love this show so much.) (I’d marry it if I could.) (Or Derrick—I’d marry Derrick if I could.) (Obviously there are a lot of things standing in between me and Derrick getting married—not just the whole “gays can’t get married” thing, but the fact that Derrick isn’t gay.) (But whatever.) Anyway, here I am, a day late, “live-blogging” episode two of Fresh Meat.

So the episode opens with a couple beautiful shots of the Australian countryside…and now Derrick is walking down the road with his partner, Diem. If you don’t remember from last week’s preview, we saw Derrick’s partner Diem saying something about how she wanted to be as physical as possible now because she wasn’t sure how long she’d be able to do physical things…now I had some theories as to what she might have been alluding to, but here we go…she and Derrick are talking…and she has ovarian cancer, she’s laying it all out for Derrick…wow, okay…she’s making me cry…and so is he…jeez, louise…she had surgery THREE WEEKS AGO. They just removed one of her ovaries. And she’s still here…competing. I love her, she’s inspiring. I WANT HER TO WIN. And if I wasn’t in love with Derrick before (and I was, obviously), then I’m a goner now: he’s got the most heart of anyone who has ever appeared on MTV ever. I’m serious here.

I want to transcribe their whole opening dialogue. Just humor me. Maybe you don’t want to read it, but Derrick and Diem just became the team to beat in this competition (not because she has cancer and I feel sympathy—it’s not that at all—it’s the fact that she had surgery THREE WEEKS AGO and now she’s here for an adventure and she’s ready to fight everything that life throws her way and she’s inspiring) (and Derrick is a good, decent guy) (and he’s hot) (and so is she), and I have to transcribe their dialogue in this opening scene because I’m weird and obsessive.

So they’re walking down this beautiful Australian road…

DERRICK: Here’s the whole gist of it, right now, are you ready for this?
DIEM: I’m ready, go.
DERRICK: You’re the only person I can trust.

Cut to:

DERRICK TESTIMONIAL FOOTAGE: “I think it’s phenomenal that I have a partner to rely on, and one person to trust, and that’s Diem.”

Back with Derrick and Diem walking down the road:

DERRICK: Is there anything you’re afraid of?
DIEM: I have to say…I can’t believe I’m going to say this…well, I’ll say it. I had surgery…I had surgery a year ago. They removed a cyst, no problem. I had—three weeks ago—I had another cyst tumor, they had to remove an ovary, appendix, my lymph nodes…and I have ovarian cancer.

Insert slow-mo footage of Derrick and Diem walking, as this news sinks in. Then we cut to:

DIEM TESTIMONIAL FOOTAGE: “Four weeks ago, I started having some pains in my side and I actually had a surgery to remove a cyst on my ovary and then they…they found it.”

Back with Derrick and Diem on the Australian road:

DIEM: I’ve been through two treatments, one the day before I got here, I’m on the lower, lighter dose right now, and when I get back is when I go on the higher dose and I’ll lose my hair and all that…

Cut to:

DIEM TESTIMONIAL FOOTAGE: “I hate lying and I have a partnership with Derrick and I need to tell him what I’m going through to let him know, so that he understands that I’m not weak.”

Back with them on the road:

DIEM: I want to do this because I have another big battle after this…

Diem’s crying now:

DIEM TESTIMONIAL FOOTAGE: “And I want to do everything physical now because I’m not sure when I’m going to be able to do anything physical again.”

And back with them on the road:

DIEM: I’m not a negative person. I’m going to try everything as hard as I can.

And I’m crying now, as we cut to:

DERRICK TESTIMONIAL FOOTAGE: “This is way beyond a “Challenge.” Do you know what I’d feel like if I let this girl down? I’m going to give this girl everything I’ve got. 100 percent, 110 percent. Blood, sweat and tears. I’m gonna give her everything.”

And then back with them on the road, as they give each other a sideways hug and continue walking:

DERRICK: I’m happy you’re my partner.
DIEM: I’m happy you’re mine.

End transcription.

Okay, this is why I love Derrick. I feel like all of the other guys on this show would have reacted to Diem’s news, like, “damn, I got stuck with the cancer girl,” but Derrick’s not like that. I think he’s inspired by the fact that she’s here because she wants a physical challenge and I think he wants to be as strong as she is.

Back at the Fresh Meat house, all of the other Fresh Meaters are hanging around, drunk, and reading a random clue about tomorrow’s challenge. Now Jesse is saying that he’s “really nervous” because he’s partnered with one of the Austen cast members (who are universally despised by everyone else in the house) (because the Austen cast members are all basically douche bags), and I have a feeling that he’s going to be the next Fresh Meater to go home.

…everyone hates the Austen douche bags…this is apparently the main source of conflict in the house right now, so they keep stressing that plot point: everyone hates the Austen douche bags…(okay, okay, we get it)…

TJ Lavin, the host, is a total tool. He just is. I have nothing else to say about him except for the fact that he seems absolutely, completely uninterested in what he’s saying. Which is actually kind of entertaining.

Okay, it’s challenge time: One member of each team hangs upside down from this harness over the water while holding the other member of the team, who is dangling below them. Whoever gets the best time, wins. It might sound simple, but it looks VERY DIFFICULT.

Wes and Casey are the first team to compete, and once again Wes (who’s one of the Austen boys, remember) proves that he’s a jagoff asshole who has no idea how to inspire his teammate (poor Casey). These words actually just spewed out of Wes’ mouth: “Just hold on for dear life…I want to be the one who lets go…I am going to be REALLY MAD if you’re the one who let’s go.” Okay, maybe when you read those words they don’t sound that dickish, but I promise you when they came out of Wes’ mouth they sounded so incredibly dickish it’s out of control.

If I was competing in this challenge, I think I might (maybe) last for, like, 3 seconds.

Okay, frat boy Evan just tried to ask Wes for some advice on the challenge, and dickhead was like “why don’t I just get out a pen and a piece of paper and write out all of the ways that you can beat me.” And then Evan stared at him, like, what? And then the editors inserted the sound of crickets chirping, and that was a really brilliant dickish moment. Even though Wes is an ass, he makes for some entertaining Fresh Meatiness and I don’t want him to go home today. (If one of the Austen kids are going to go home, I think it should be Johanna because she’s boring and there’s no bigger sin on MTV than being boring.)

Melinda and Ryan did pretty well…
Johanna and Jesse did really sucky…
Darrell and Aviv lasted a long time…

Tanya’s watching. She’s crazy. She just remarked that “this is hard.”

Katie and Eric did really badly…
Tanya and Johnnie rocked it, until Tanya started to kick and of course Johnnie couldn’t hang on to her anymore because Tanya was flailing about.
Tina and Kenny sucked…
Shane and Lynette did freaking amazingly. (Is “amazingly” a word?) (I didn’t know that Shane was gay. Why didn’t I know that until just now?)

Derrick and Diem re about to go…okay, shit…I’m worried…I want them to do really well.

Um, who’s this Chanda girl? Apparently she’s Theo’s partner, but I’ve never seen her before. She just said something and that’s the first time I’ve ever heard her speak.

Uh-oh, Derrick has a really weird grip. TJ just said that he looks solid, but…oh, man…there she goes, Diem is in the water. Damnit, they didn’t last very long. Theo and Chanda lasted way longer than them.

Okay, the last team: Coral and Evan. Everyone’s watching them, like, “we hate how you’re dominating this competition and you’d better not fucking win again.”

The results:
11th place: Johanna and Jesse, 00:08
10th place: Katie and Eric, 00:10
9th place: Wes and Casey, 00:12
8th place: Tina and Kenny, 00:16
7th place: Tanya and Johnnie, 00:31
6th place: Darrell and Aviv, 00:34
5th place: Melinda and Ryan, 00:38
4th place: Derrick and Diem, 00:42 (okay, the way they edited this, I totally didn’t think that they had done this well) (awesome) (I mean, I wish they had won, but 4th is still pretty good) (it was a difficult challenge)
3rd place: Shane and Lynette, 00:43
2nd place: Theo and Chanda, 00:49.30
1st place: Coral and Evan, 00:49.72

I’m a fan of Coral, I think she’s pretty cool. But Evan is too cocky. He’s all “why are we even still playing the game, they should just give us the win.” Whatever, dude. You’re annoying. You’re no Derrick. Go home.

Because they won Coral and Evan get to pick one of the teams to go into exile. They’re obviously going to pick one of the Austen kids, which is fine by me. As long as Derrick and Diem are safe, I don’t care who goes home. Okay, they picked Melinda and Ryan.

Now the rest of the Fresh Meaters get to decide who is going into the exile against Melinda and Ryan…Wes is afraid that people are going to vote his girlfriend Johanna into exile, and he doesn’t want that to happen. He won’t let it happen. He’s all macho and manly and, like, “I’m not gonna let my girl go into exile, I’ll put myself there before letting people vote her into exile,” and I know he wants us to think he’s noble and shit, but we’re not buying it. He just said that he really thinks it’s cool that his partner Casey approves of his decision to put himself into exile (which means that Casey goes into exile too), but I think the reason Casey is okay with the thought of going into exile is because she (like the rest of us) cannot stand Wes and and she’s ready to go home.

Wes just asked everyone to vote himself into exile and everyone applauded his suicide plan and now Johanna is asking everyone if they realize that her boyfriend is willing to go home to save her…and…NOW SHE’S SOBBING and everyone’s looking at her, like, IT’S A GAME, WHY IN THE HELL ARE YOU CRYING? IF HE GOES HOME, YOU’LL SEE HIM AGAIN IN, LIKE, TWO WEEKS. Now everyone’s ignoring Johanna and they’re all honoring Wes’ wish to go into exile and thank god it’s still Austen cast member against Austen cast member because that means Derrick and Diem have that many more weeks before they might have to face exile.

If Ryan wasn’t gay, I have a feeling that Melinda would be all over him right now.

Okay, the episode is about to end, so the whole cast has gone out for some drinks, and we’re wrapping up with Diem and Derrick again…and I have to transcribe again…because I LOVE THEM BOTH on such an irrational level and I think they’re falling in love with each other and I want them to be happy and become the next Rob and Amber (i.e. the next reality TV love story) and I want them to get married on television.

Cut to:

DIEM TESTIMONIAL FOOTAGE: “If you have a positive outlook on anything, you’re able to heal yourself. And I think that my mindset right now is really positive and I want to prove to myself that I’m strong and I can do anything that anyone else can do.”

And we see Derrick and Diem flirting with each other…holding hands…talking close…looking into each others eyes…

And we cut to:

DERRICK TESTIMONIAL FOOTAGE: “I can’t help but be attracted to Diem. She’s beautiful both inside and out. The Challenge is one thing, but to be given the opportunity to make a difference in somebody’s life in this type of situation means so much more to me than just, like, that stuff that we call money.”

And then we end in a slow-mo of the two of them holding hands…like, close on their hands…and I am suddenly roped into this show even deeper than I was last week and it’s damn good TV and holly shit, I want Derrick and Diem to win, win, win.