I have to take a shower after watching tonight's episode of Fresh Meat

Okay, so I’m “live”-blogging Fresh Meat again, for the five people who read my blog who also watch Fresh Meat (maybe there are more of you) (but for every person who reads my blog and LIKES Fresh Meat, there are at least 10 people who read my blog and DO NOT like Fresh Meat) (that statistic is probably grossly inaccurate also) (however, I will note that since I started writing about Fresh Meat, almost every single google hit I get has been Fresh Meat-centric) (I wish that someone would google “best ways to keep meat fresh” and then stumble upon my blog, because that would give me a chuckle or two) (I have no idea how to keep real actual chicken and pork and beef fresh) (on with the show!)

But first, a quick recap…Last Week On Fresh Meat:

--Wes was a dick.
--Derrick and Diem were falling in love.
--Wes was dickish some more.
--Johanna loves Wes.
--Wes was a dick.
--Derrick and Diem were falling in love.

I did that recap from memory because my Tivo didn’t actually tape tonight’s recap (it started taping—boom—with the opening credits), but I don’t even have to go back and look at my last Fresh Meat write-up to know that it’s an incredibly accurate recap. (Actually, maybe Derrick and Diem were falling in love two weeks ago, but whatever.)

The episode opens with a shot of two lizards hugging and then it cuts to a shot of Wes and Johanna frolicking in the pool and I really love when reality TV editors do thinks like that because, come on: Wes and Johanna are freaking lizards, it’s true. So then Wes and Johanna start laughing maniacally and they haven’t even spoken yet and they’re freaking me out. And THEN, Johanna hugs Wes and it looks like she’s going to kill him. Seriously. She looks like a scary succubus. And then we cut to Johanna talking in testimonial and she says something like “Wes and I have a pretty good relationship…he was a mess before I got my hands on him,” and I’m like, “wait, seriously, Johanna—he was MORE OF A MESS before? Because he’s a fucking mess now. And if you’re saying he’s better, he must have been, like, the anti-christ before, and you’re a really good girlfriend.”

Thankfully (I seriously almost just wrote “thankfucky,” which is SO a better word than “thankfully”) (I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like being thankful and all, and I think that “thankfully” is a really awesome word, but it doesn’t hold a candle to “thankfucky” because, um, hello? “Thankfucky?” Best. Word. Ever.) (Michael Hartney gave me props in his blog for inventing the word “clink,” but even though I thought that I had invented the word clink, and therefore invented it for myself, I didn’t truly, honestly invent the word. Like, it had actually existed before I had the cojones to say I’d invented it.) (But “thankfucky?” That’s gotta be another story. That calls for some googling.) (Which I just did—I just googled it—and when you google the word “thankfucky,” you get one hit. But it’s a British website and most of the words on the website appear to be misspelled and I don’t think that they actually intended to use the word “thankfucky”) (though it does have a certain British ring to it) (I miss England) (I wish I was in England right now) (But I fucking digress) (sorry) (thankfucky, I think I can lay claim to the word “thankfucky,” despite that one British website, because I think they used it accidentally, without realizing what a jolly brilliant word it is) (so, thankfucky) Tina is sitting by the pool watching Johanna and Wes frolic and she tells it like it is: “I feel bad for Johanna because Wes is an asshole…I am appalled by how he talks to his partner Casey” (who, if you’ll remember, he’s always referring to as “the weakest, most incompetent, least athletic, stupidest person”) “that sexist asshole needs to go home.” Amen, sister.

Okay, so after dissing his girlfriend and her partner as “the weakest team right now,” Wes explains that he is going to do anything and everything he can to make sure that Johanna doesn’t go into exile today, which means that Johanna is TOTALLY going into exile today, and then Johanna demands that Wes “take her to the room!” and she peels her arm off of him long enough to point at the room like she’s an evil princess and the thought of these two people having sex just made me swore off sex for the rest of my life. And then the camera panned to the water and then dissolved to a shot of a lit torch and I don’t know what that is supposed to signify about Wes and Johanna’s love life, but I’m just going to move on and try to get the images out of my head.

Okay, now Tina is kickboxing with some guy whose name I can’t remember (he’s a Fresh Meater) and apparently tonight’s episode is all about booty because everyone knows that kickboxing equals they’re-totally-about-to-do-it. Which makes me hope that if everyone’s getting’ some in tonight’s episode, then freaking Derrick and Diem better freaking get some freak on because freakity freak. Oh! but then Tina stopped the kickboxing session because she was all “I saw a picture of your girl” to the dude whose name I don’t remember and then everyone was like, “dude, you got dissed! You’ve already got a girl!” (And somewhere in the house, Tanya is getting ready to kickbox with him anyway.) Apparently the dude’s name is Kenny (speaking of Kennys, hey Adam—are you still reading my blog? Did Kenny ever come check out the blog? He totally didn’t. What’s up with that?) and he’s Tina’s partner and Tina likes him but she doesn’t want to fool around with him too much because “he doesn’t realize that this is a job!” and I sooooo love that all of the Real Worlders and Road Rulers consider competing on the Challenges to be a job.

Holly crap, did I not just say that Tanya was somewhere in the house getting ready to jump Kenny’s bones? Because as soon as Kenny says “Tina’s grown on me,” Tanya comes out of nowhere WEARING A WHITE, WET, SEE-THROUGH TANK-TOP and literally throws herself on Kenny with so much force that she knocks him into the pool, but Kenny wants to show Tina that he actually likes her and not Tanya so simultaneously while Tanya is throwing herself all over Kenny, Kenny still has enough wits about him to literally grab Tina’s shirt and pull it completely off as Tanya pushes him into the pool. I’m not making this up, people. It really happened. And somewhere there are still photographs of Tina’s bare breasts as she falls into the pool after Tanya and Kenny—because while all of the above was going on, Evan was standing next to the pool with his camera and then he laughed a laugh that could not sound more like the laugh of a twelve-year-old-boy-who-just-saw-boobies-for-the-first-time if he tried to make it sound like the laugh of a twelve-year-old-boy-who-just-saw-boobies-for-the-first-time. Seriously, the. Most. Juvenile. Laugh. Evah.

After the pool shenanigans, our Fresh Meaters get a clue about tomorrow’s challenge and the clue is basically “do you want to get high tomorrow?” And everyone’s starts screaming “it’s sky-diving!” but Derrick obviously really wants to toke some of the marijuana because he’s nodding really vigorously and if this was Blind Date and a thought bubble appeared on the screen it would totally say something like “I’m high right now” or “where are my Scooby snacks?”

Then we cut to a shot of Jesse talking about his eyebrows, except he’s not talking about his eyebrows, he’s talking about how he and Johanna need to win this challenge, but all I can see is his eyebrows and all I can hear is this thing called Subtext that keeps screaming “I’m gay and I’m cute” and I’m sad because why do all of the cute, gay Fresh Meaters (Ryan and Jesse) have to be teamed up with the annoying Austen girls (Melinda and Johanna), making them the first people to be kicked off the show??? (Ryan was booted last week and I’m predicting that Jesse gets booted tonight—except when I say “tonight,” I really mean “next week” because MTV likes to stretch these things out as long as possible.) (But mark my words: Jesse and Johanna are the next team to go.)

So the group arrives at the challenge and the first thing they see is a huge rock climbing wall and everyone (except for Derrick) is upset that they aren’t going sky-diving, while Derrick is upset that they aren’t going to get high from the marijuana. Basically, the wall is really tricky and, like, booby trapped (kinda) and whoever gets to the top the quickest wins, but it’s tricky and I can’t explain the rules because the rules for every game on this show are always way too difficult to explain and I’d rather just say “they have to climb a tricky wall” and just leave it at that.

Of course, Jesse and Johanna are chosen to go first, which means that they’re at the most disadvantaged and they’re totally going to lose. While they’re climbing we get two choice quotes from Wes, re: Jesse: “He’s not that strong” and “I wish he had muscles.” Wes is totally The Biggest Asshole of Reality TV. I am going to go so far as to say that Wes is a bigger asshole than both Puck (of Real World: San Francisco fame) and Johnny “I faked my grandmother’s death” Fairplay (of Survivor fame). Now, that’s just my opinion, but I have a feeling that a lot of people out there might agree with me. What do you think? Another choice Wes quote: “I think Johanna did absolutely horrible, but I didn’t expect her to do very well…she can’t even get down with athleticism.” Yeah, Johanna, if Wes was a mess BEFORE you got to him, holy freaking cow, because he is an ASS now, and he’s The Worst Boyfriend in The World and you should dump his ass.

I totally don’t understand the motivations of people on this game. Tina and Kenny just attempted the climb and then Tina fell off the wall, causing her and Kenny to be disqualified, and then she gets all mad because she’s afraid that people are now going to think that she and Kenny are a weak team, and then Wes gets all cocky and he’s like, “this is great! Now people are going to think that Tina and Kenny are a weak team and they’re going to vote them into Exile.” But what I don’t get is…if each team is playing for themselves, wouldn’t they want to keep weak teams around? Because that means that you’ve have a better chance of beating them later? Especially if said “weak teams” are cool people who you enjoy having around, like Tina and Kenny? Wouldn’t you rather vote out assholes like Wes? I just don’t understand why anyone would even think that this was a moment that signaled Tina and Kenny’s doom—I would think that they’d WANT TO look weak? Or am I wrong?

I’m tired of quoting all of the assholy things that Wes says. He and Casey are climbing the wall right now and he’s still going on and on about how stupid he is and I just want him to go home. He’s poison. I can’t take it anymore. Goodbye, Wes, go home. (Casey, you seem like a lovely person—screw him.)

Wes and Casey got elimated and then so did some other team…this wall is really tricky…for reals…until finally the teams seem to be learning from the people before them and they’re starting to complete the task...including Derrick and Diem! Derrick and Diem do really well. But then Coral and Evan climb up the wall as if they’re natural born spiders or something, and everyone starts whispering about how great Coral and Evan are and I’m like, “Tina and Kenny are SO NOT a threat, I don’t understand why Wes would think they’re going to get voted into exile, it is SO NOT going to happen.”

Derrick and Diem get 4th place…dammit, I want them to win. Why won’t people start letting the cancer girl win? Is it too much to ask? Hopefully she and Derrick are having lots of fantastic fourth-place sex.

Of course, Coral and Evan get first place, which means they get to choose one of the two teams who are going into exile, and then Wes does the Stupidest Thing He Could Possibly Do (um, maybe because he’s an idiot? Sorry, Wes, but you are what you preach)—he goes to Coral and Evan and he’s like, “DO NOT VOTE ME OR MY GIRLFRIEND IN. You need to vote ANYONE BUT ME OR MY GIRLFRIEND.” Which totally means that Coral and Evan are going to vote in either Wes or Johanna because he’s totally given them the idea to force the two evil lovers to have to go head to head in exile. It’s practically destiny. And, of course, they pick Wes. (Wes, if you ever do another Challenge, remember that you’re never supposed to say something like “don’t vote me into exile/the gauntlet/the inferno/whatever,” because that’s like telling someone not to think of an elephant—once you’ve gotten it into your head, it’s impossible not to do.) Wes is PISSED. I am ECSTATIC.

Okay, Wes is being a drama queen now and being a bad boyfriend and I’m not going to live-blog this. I’m boycotting it. Too much drama. (Don’t get me wrong—it’s great MTV drama—but he’s such an asshole it’s ridiculous.)

Wes is having the biggest freakout in the world and, as Theo just said, he’s being “semi-delusional,” and he’s screaming and screaming about how people “better not fucking put my girlfriend into exile against me” and I’m afraid he’s totally going to make it happen because, as Theo just said, he’s putting the idea into all of their heads. It’s like he’s totally using the Power of Saying Shit Out Loud, but he’s using it for evil.

It’s Deliberation Time. And everyone decided to let Wes have it. They voted Johanna and Jesse into exile. If I wanted to care about all of Wes’ drama I’d say that it’s almost Shakespearean—the whole lover-pitted-against-lover thing—but I don’t really want to give his drama that much weight (even though I’ve just written five pages about it). Why on earth is Wes still wearing those freakish tights???

Wes just said: “She’s not the brightest star.”

Tina just called him “downright dirty.”

And Johanna just said that she “loves herself more than [she] loves Wes” and if that's true then she had better beat him because she so deserves better than that freakazoid. Holly freakin’ crap.

(photo by autowitch via flickr)