Friday, June 09, 2006

List of non-non-negotiables

I am at a coffee shop working right now and there's this guy sitting across from me who's wearing a baseball cap and he looks really good in said baseball cap and that got me thinking about how a lot of people do not look good wearing a baseball cap, like it simply doesn't feel right on them (like, for instance, me) (baseball caps DO NOT look right on me), and then I was thinking abouthow I'd like to date someone who looks good wearing a baseball cap. Maybe it's because of my random new crush on Adam Kennedy of the Angels (their second baseman, thank you very much) (look at how much baseball knowledge I have!) (i am SO butch!).

My friend Andrea S. (and I'm noting her last initial because I have two friends named Andrea) has this thing she did before she found the love of her life. She made this list called her "list of non-negotiables." She'd been unlucky in love, natch, (I don't really know when you're supposed to use the word "natch," and I may have used it wrong just now, but it felt appropriate) (and the cute guy in the baseball cap is still sitting across from me so forgive me if it causes me to use words wrong) and so she made this list of her "non-negotiables," natch. (Um, yeah, I don't know if I'm using it right there, either. Natch.) And these "non-negotiables" were basically dealbreakers from Day One. Like she wouldn't date a married woman, or she wouldn't date someone who lived out of state. Or whatever. I haven't actually seen her list, so I don't know what her "non-negotiables" were. I just know that she had this list and then she met this girl Ashleigh and they fell in love.

Now, obviously "the ability to look good in a baseball cap" should not be on ANYONE'S "non-negotiable" list, and I'm not really planning on making a "non-negotiable" list at all right now because I'm in the mood to just date and I'm happy to negotiate, or whatever. But I was thinking it would be fun to make a "negotiable" list, i.e. a list of things that I'm looking for in a guy that are TOTALLY negotiable, that are TOTALLY irrelevant, that are TOTALLY unneccessary, but I'd still like to meet a man who fulfills at least some of the requirements on this list, which I'm making mostly because I love making lists, but also because the list might come in handy, natch! (the more I type the word "natch," the more my brain starts thinking of the word "snatch," which is so totally wrong.)

Erik's list of Totally Negotiable Things (i.e. non-non-negotiables) he's looking for in his "Perfect Man," or whatever.

1. Must look good in a baseball cap
2. Must know when to use "its" and when to use "it's"
3. Must have a second home in London
4. Must have a British accent
5. Must have any accent
6. Must have read "The End of the Affair" by Graham Greene at least twice
7. Must know who "Hallie Lowenthal" is (and I chose "Hallie Lowenthal" because she wasn't a regular character, but fanatics would know who the fuck she was) (and besides, it's a non-non-negotiable)
8. Must love dogs, but not necessarily dogs
9. But can still love dogs
10. Must be a REALLY GOOD cook
11. Must be willing to occasionally let me rest my chin in his hand if I ever get tired of holding my head up
12. Must have killer abs and must know that when you're working your abs, you DO NOT work them every day, or maybe you do, depending on who you ask, but
13. Must be a brain or heart surgeon
14. Must be obsessed with television
15. Must be named Derrick and must currently be competing on MTV's Fresh Meat Challenge
16. Um, yeah, I know
17. Must own Wagamama, or at least know what Wagamama is and, like, be excited about going there
18. Must dance really well
19. Must like wearing ties (because men in ties are sexy)
20. Must know the correct usage of the word "natch," natch.

This list is far from complete, but I've gotta end it there for now.

43 comments:

christy said...

first!!!

(finally.)

christy said...

okay:

1) i am so, so not your perfect man.

2) absolutely DO NOT work out abs every day.

3) after last Fresh Meat I was like, Evan's just a tool and not that attractive, after all, and Derrick is really sweet but not my type, and so I no longer like any of the guys, and it is toolish to have an episode without sending anyone home, so I don't know if it can hold my interest.

Erik said...

Christy,

1. There are a few things that make you not my perfect man. But, like, my perfect man does NOT need to check off more than at least, like, one of the requirements on this list. More is gravy train.

2. but some people say YOU SHOULD. not that i will.

3. The 2nd episode of Fresh Meat was a let down after the first one--there wasn't much drama. But it will pick up, believe me. And they don't always kick someone off every week--there isn't enough time for all of the challenges they have to go through AND kicking someone off. I think people go home every other episode.

christy said...

okay, well that said, I have:

2) (although I don't always use this knowledge)

5) (on a technicality)

8, 9 (did not follow the links so don't know what the sub-definition is all about)

10)

11)

12) (just a little bit obscured as I have given up the quest for perfection in favor of chocolate)

and 18), natch.

(20!)

Erik said...

If only you had a penis.

Michael Hartney said...

Do you think Graham ended up fucking Hallie Lowenthal?

Erik said...

Yes, I think Graham and Hallie had sex in the next episode, and I think they had an affair for most of the next season, and then I think Patty found out about it, and I think she confronted Graham, and then I think he broke it off with Hallie and tried to make it work with Patty, but she couldn't, and it didn't, and they broke up, but then they got back together.

And it was all very rough on Angela, but on Danielle especially because Angela was out of the house having her thing with Jordan and then leaving Jordan to go off to college and then forgetting about Jordan and letting Jordan grow into this, like, footnote in her life (her first...everything).

But Danielle was around for the tough stuff.

That's just my gut instinct on how some of it all played out.

Michael, do you think that Angela and Rayanne ever became friends again? (Oh my god, I typed that sentence and my body literally ached, because I feel like they didn't ever become friends again and it tears me up.)

Erik said...

"Tears" as in RIPS ME APART.

Michael Hartney said...

I, for one, hope that Angela and Rayanne didn't become friends again. Someone did the same thing to me (and we know what that thing was), and to this day I kick myself for ever going back to being friends with them.

I mean, the drunken carousing to the Toad the Wet Sprocket montage pretty much says it all. Rayanne's a mess.

christy said...

yeah, if i had a penis i could pee standing up.

but i would also be gay, which would probably be tougher than being straight, even though it is pretty tough being straight when you're a woman cause most guys are dicks.

but i would be a man who looked an awful lot like michael j. fox.

but i would also be a man who lookeed an awful lot like kristin davis.

law of averages.

Erik said...

I know Rayanne's a mess, but I love her, Michael! Mess and all.

But I don't think they ever became friends again.

HOWEVER, I think that Sharon Cherski and Angela are better friends than ever. They went through their blip and came out the other side stronger than ever.

Erik said...

christy, you'd be a fun gay man, i think.

Jesse said...

1.) Must sing in the car.

2.) Must know that big white sneakers are never ok.

3.) Must laugh at my stupid recycled jokes.

4.) Must have clean finger nails.

5.) Must always be sweet to the waitress.

Bonnie said...

I like Jesse's list.

Yours is good too.

I think Angela and Sharon were college roommates and maids of honor in each others' weddings.

And they sometimes drink too much on girls' night and get hot for each other and crank call Rayanne.

Erik said...

Jesse, I agree with Bonnie, your list is good. Those are all going on my Extended List.

Erik said...

OMG, Bonnie, I could not agree with you more. That is so totally how I see Angela and Sharon's future. Spot on. I love it.

Erik said...

That scene in the girls bathroom...when Sharon calls Angela out...and Angela tries to explain why she can't be friends with her anymore...and Sharon says that she hates Angela's hair?

That scene kills me. One of the best acted and written scenes ever.

And as harsh as the scene is, I think it sets up the eventual rekindling of their friendship, which we see start to happen later in the season (how sad and awful is it that there was only ONE season of MSCL) and that extends into Bonnie's spot-on fantasy version of What Happened Next. Because when you're that close to someone, you come back to each other.

Michael Hartney said...

Oh, and one more thing: 'member how Jared Leto just came out? And how I always thought I would think that was so cool? And it turned out that the person I wanted to come out was really Jordan Catalano the whole time? Weird, huh?

Erik said...

Yeah, I don't think Jordan Catalano ever came out, unfortch.

frank's wild lunch said...

I want to thank you for this post, because you reminded me of Wagamama, which was such a comfort during my study-abroad days, and because you forced me to finally determine once and for all whether Bess Armstrong was on Days of our Lives briefly before she landed on My So-Called Life. I have always thought she played one of Roman/John Black's girlfriends after Marlena disappeared at sea that time. She wasn't.

That was helpful. But now I don't know who that woman was!

Oh, and Jared Leto didn't really come out, did he? I thought he drove up and down Melrose asking young women if they recognized him and, when they said yes, offered to sleep with them. Didn't I read that on Defamer or something?

frank's wild lunch said...

I just re-read that comment and I think "she didn't" would've been better than "she wasn't." IMHO.

frank's wild lunch said...

Okay, I figured it out. It's Genie Francis.

Erik said...

Kyle (fwl), I love that you brought up the IMHO thing, totally randomly (it WAS totally random, wasn't it?) (or had I used the acronym and I don't remember?) because at the beginning of MSCL's sadly short life, Angela (Ms. Danes) and Patty (Bess Armstrong, natch) had a catchphrase. It was obviously somethiing that Angela had picked up from Patty, something that she didn't even realize that she did, that tied her to her mom in such a she's-her-mother's-daughter type of way. It was "in my humble opinion." They both say it in the pilot. I think they might have stopped the "in my humble opinion" a few episodes into the season, but whenever I hear that phrase, I think of Angela Chase.

So it's appropriate that you asked (in that other thread) about the acronym, because MSCL is obv. on the brain.

Erik said...

And I think that Michael was hoping for Jordan Catalano to come out of the closet, like, down the line in our fantasy what-happened-to-them scenarios, but I just don't see it. I see Jordan being a friend of the gays, but he's too much of a womanizer to ever swing our direction.

Erik said...

Same with Leto, IMHO.

frank's wild lunch said...

I of course, enjoyed MSCL, but haven't the memory of it that you and Michael do...or the DVDs, for that matter, so yes, it was an accident.

But I need clarity on Leto, though...because Michael's comment rang a bell that he'd made some gay statement, but I thought it was glib. I can't remember. I just get creeped out by him because of Requiem for a Dream.

Oh, and incidentally, did you watch that other show that was on that was by the same creators and had a lot of the same actors and I think was called Relativity? It only lasted a season but I remember being obsessed when I was in college.

frank's wild lunch said...

Wikipedia has the answer!

"In a 2006 interview Leto claimed, "It’s so funny how perception and reality are so often as far as day and night... I'll give you an exclusive... I'm gay... as a goose." Later, after this interview was published, Jared Leto contacted the editors at AOL "to say that he was, in fact, not gay, and that his 'coming out' should not be taken seriously."

frank's wild lunch said...

Thank God. I really didn't want that Melrose legend to have any doubt cast on it whatsoever.

Erik said...

fwl,

Leto DID make a glib statement, about a week ago, saying: "I'm as gay as a goose" on an AOL interview. And then there was lots of out-of-context speculation that Leto had come out of the closet. Which I thought was all very hopeful and wide-eyed because if you read the actual interview, it was very, very jokey and didn't for a second (IMHO) feel like a real coming out. But because people took it so serious, his publicist had to release a statement that was something like "Jared loves gay people but he ain't one of them, so back off bitches."

And I remember Relativity, but I think I was in college at the time as well and I never saw an episode because those four years were a mostly TV-less time. (And I said mostly.)

Erik said...

oh, whoops, i'm late, wikipedia already answered your question!

Bonnie said...

Relativity is one of my all time favorite TV shows.

Here's where I blogged about it five years ago. Ugh. I'm an old blogger.

Erik said...

I need to rent Relativity. Especially considering the fact that Brian Krakow sans curly hair is in it.

Bonnie said...

Yeah, but Krakow sans Jew-fro was also a rapist on Felicity. So... I tend to like my Krakow old-school style.

Riding a bike in front of Angela Chase's yard.

*sigh*

frank's wild lunch said...

I think I was in confused love (thanks closet) with Elizabeth Williams' (was that her name? the lead...didn't she date/marry a tennis pro or something?) bf on the show. Who was that? I'm off to IMDB to find out....

frank's wild lunch said...

Okay, it was KIMBERLY Williams. But I still haven't figured out who her bf. Was it Randall Batinkoff? I could see myself having a confused crush on him, but I'm not sure....

Erik said...

Which show? Are you talking about Relativity, Kyle?

frank's wild lunch said...

Come on, now, who her bf? Shoooot....

frank's wild lunch said...

Yes, sorry....

Erik said...

Well now I really need to rent Relativity, apparently.

frank's wild lunch said...

I kinda want to watch it again, too. But I'm wanting to see MSCL more now. I need another high-school comedy/drama in my life since I finished FREAKS AND GEEKS all those months ago....

Erik said...

I could watch MSCL and Freaks and Geeks over and over on repeat forever and never be bored for one second.

El said...

OH my God, so truth.

Erik said...

I desire to keep the glance from porn.