Fresh Meat: more assholyness from the Austin crew

This week’s live-blogging of Fresh Meat is criminally late. Sorry.

To recap last week’s episode: Wes was an asshole again, to infinity.

We open with more of Wes being an asshole and he’s going on and on about how it’s obvious that the challenge has come between him and Johanna in their relationship. Yeah, right, it’s the reality show that’s come between them, not Wes’ big mouth. That’s right. Yeah, sure. Good one, Wes. (Fun, he just called his girlfriend “the most spiteful person he knows.” Don’t you love young love?) If Johanna doesn’t kick his lame lily-white ass to the curb in tonight’s episode, she’s a freaking idiot. Seriously. Johanna, please—if you self-google yourself and find this blog entry, I am begging you: leave the bastard.

So now that the whole requisite in-case-you-forgot-Wes-is-an-asshole recap is done, it’s time for the Fresh Meaters to have some fun. Which means it’s time for a costume party. Which means we’re about to see Tanya dressed as a slut and we’re about to see all of the other women dressed as Tanya.

Okay, the costume party sequence was so quick I barely even got to see what half of the Fresh Meaters were wearing and now I have to rewind and do some pausing. It looks like Diem is dressed as a slutty mermaid with an eye condition. The next person we see getting into costume is a blonde woman putting on mascara who for the life of me I cannot recognize. (More proof that I had a stroke in my sleep, perhaps?) (Because I’ve seen enough episodes of Fresh Meat by now that you would think I would know everyone’s names by now.) (Though there’s always at least one person on these reality shows who lays low for several weeks and then all of a sudden starts talking out of necessity—because there ain’t no one else around—and then you’re like, “who the hell is that?”) (So maybe this blonde girl with the mascara is the silent type.) (WAIT—holy crap—I think it’s Casey, aka Wes’ partner, aka [in Wes’ words] “the most miserable, terrible, unathletic person ever,” or whatever he called her [that wasn’t an exact quote, but I’m sure it’s close] and now I feel bad for not recognizing her in the first place because girl deserves props for having to put up with the Devil’s assholyness every week.) (That’s right, I just called Wes “the Devil.”) (It’s because I’m tired of typing his name and I’m tired of him dominating this show with his assholyness, and I’m tired of people googling his name and finding my blog and I’m just plain done with him.) (His name will never again be uttered on my blog.) (From here on out, he will be referred to as “the Devil.”) (Okay?) Next we see supposedly-closeted (according to Shane) (and I can’t believe I’m sitting here spreading gossip I’ve heard Shane talking about on “Overdrive,” the aftershow they air on mtv.com) Jesse dressed as Tinkerbell. True story. (True story!) And Tinkerjesse is standing with Johnny, who is dressed as either Conan the Barbarian or a Half-Naked Man With Muscles. I can’t tell which. We then cut to a quick shot of Tanya trying to seduce Jesse and it looks like she has lipstick smeared all over her face and I think she’s already made out with at least five of the men in the house. Then we see an amazing shot of Johanna dressed as Drunk Tinfoil and Evan dressed as the Devil (not dressed as “the Devil,” but as the actual devil) and then standing behind them is Darrell as Tupac except I think it might actually be Tupac. I can’t tell what Chanda is supposed to be—she has a black cape on—maybe she’s a vampire? Theo is dressed as a naked bunny. Sorry, a naked DRUNK bunny. At the end of this very quick costume party montage, we see several shots of Tanya in her red lingerie getting wasted, doing shots, letting other people do shot off of her body, and then there’s this really puzzling image of Tanya with what looks like an egg yoke in a seashell perched on top of her bosom and I honestly have no idea what that thing is supposed to be but I’m getting the distinct impression that she’s waiting for someone to drink it and I’m afraid. I’m very afraid.

Tanya’s partner Johnnie just said that he’s afraid Tanya is starting to unravel and I’m like “starting?”

Next we get a scene between Johanna and Evan and I’ve gotten a better look at her costume and I think she’s supposed to be a Drunk Tinfoil Pilgrim. With low self-esteem. Because she’s decided to go apologize to the Devil for how much of an asshole he’s been to her. Come on, Johanna! I’m glad that you’re telling him that he’s hurtful and expressing your feelings and all, BUT DUMP HIS ASS. And then Johanna’s like, “if he hurts me again, there won’t be a second chance,” and I’m like, “Johanna, Johanna, Johanna—you’ve already given this dude, like, 10 second chances in the last four episodes of this show. How many second chances are you not going to give him before you finally stop giving him second chances?”

And then, the next morning, the two of them are all giggly and in love again and I’m really mad at the Devil for giving Mohawks a bad name. Because Mohawks used to be so fucking cool.

I want to go to Australia. That was a completely random comment and it has no bearing on the contents of this post.

Okay, it’s challenge time. Which means it’s time for everyone to squeeze into really tight speedos and cover their bodies with oatmeal and then try to keep as much oatmeal on their bodies while running across a field and then dumping their body oatmeal into a bucket and then running back to the other side of the field and getting more oatmeal. As TJ explains the rules, we see a shot of Casey (the devil’s partner) looking so sad and down and defeated and I feel so bad for her and I wish there was a way that she could switch partners or something.

Commercial break. My pink lei is starting to itch and it’s only been eight hours. But I’ve never been leid so long before and I figure I’ll be able to get through the itching phase and come out the other side a stronger man.

Back to Fresh Meat: covering your body with oatmeal and running with it really is kind of disgusting. The highlight of this challenge, though, has to be seeing Derrick in a speedo and covered in oatmeal. Despite the disgustingness of the oatmeal. I’m sorry. I’m obsessed.

I can’t tell who’s doing good and who’s doing bad. It’s kind of impossible to tell, the way they’re editing it. Coral just made a joke about how badly she needs to wash oatmeal off of her nipples.

Wow, Coral and Evan got first place. They fucking rock. They’re amazing. They’re powerhouses. Now it’s time for Johanna/Jesse and Casey/the devil to compete against each other in Exile.

I’m sorry, I’ve kind of lost steam, this is some lame live-blogging. I’m just tired of the devil. NOTE TO MTV: too much devil, not enough Derrick!

I was about to say that this is kind of Shakespearean—boyfriend and girlfriend pitted against each other in this final challenge like they are—but it’s not Shakespearean. I just wish that more people would find my blog by searching the word “Shakespearean,” so I thought I would throw the word into this post a couple of times. Ooooo, how sad are those Shakespearean scholars going to be when they come to my blog looking for Shakespeare and they find my rambly musings about Fresh Meat. But before I can continue talking about Fresh Meat being Shakespearean, the devil just called Casey a “stupid bitch” and I seriously want to kill him.

It looked like Johanna and Jesse were going to win the race, but then they made a really dumb mistake and the devil won and finally, FINALLY, Johanna confronted the devil about his assholyness and told him to lay off of Casey: “Do you know the kind of person you seem like when you act like that…?” and then Johanna says that “when he called Casey the b-word, he was getting out of hand” and I don’t understand how someone who says “the b-word” instead of “bitch” could EVER date the devil. It’s so weird.

The episode ends with Casey telling the devil that she hates him and the devil finally apologizes and then Tanya mentions that she’s a timebomb waiting to explode and I’m getting the feeling that MTV is getting ready to pass the crazy torch from Wes (that’s the last time I’m typing his name) over to Tanya.