Tuesday, June 06, 2006

June 6, June 6

Guess what today is?

It's PAM's birthday!

And no, I'm not talking about the Extra Virgin Olive Oil Cooking Spray. I'm talking about my Punk-Ass Mom.

Here she is when she was a kid (I have no idea how old she might be in this picture) (I am really bad at guessing peoples ages) (I mean, if you told me she was 4 in this picture, I'd believe you, and if you told me she was 8 in this picture, I'd believe you too--that's pretty much the range I'm getting here: she's definitely somewhere between 4 and 8) , before she was a punk-ass:

I won't say how old she's turning today, out of respect for the elderly. But the following picture is from her 14th birthday:

Note how bored my cousins Ellen and Jeff are in this photo (okay, technically they're my mom's first cousins, which means they're my second cousins, not just my "cousins," but I figured I could say the shorthand "cousins" because I knew I'd just go and make a pointless parenthetical statement about it any minute).

Okay, now we're jumping forward in time quite a bit with the next photo...(Pam's probably about 24, or thereabouts, in this one):

And here she is at 30ish (and this photo is kinda weird because even though I look exactly like my father--like, exactly--I can also look like my mother a lot and I think this picture looks like me) (but maybe I'm crazy) (or maybe it's the glasses):

This next photo is a picture of PAM and my step-dad Joe, I have no idea when it was taken, but I'm guessing PAM is in her mid-thirties here:

And this photo was taken a year or two ago, and since I promised I wouldn't out my mother's age, I'm not going to say how old she was in this photo, other than "this photo was taken a year or two ago":

I was looking for pictures to scan into this post and I came across this old scrapbook that my mom made for me when I was ten-ish and there's a Mother's Day Card (from 1985, when I was 8) that she wrote to me that I just had to scan and share on PAM's bday:

If you can't read the scan, it says: "1985...Dear Erik, I can remember when you were the age of the boy on this card (the outside of the card has a drawing of a mother holding a small boy), except you always seemed to have a smile on your face. It's so much fun to be your Mom, because you're so much fun to be with. When you grow up, I hope you will have a son as smart and handsome and loving as you are. My mother's day is happy because I have you. I love you! xxxxxxxxxx, Mom. P.S. (and this is my favorite part of the card--because it shows how much PAM gets me--how she really knew the way into 8-year-old Erik's heart) I even like your Garbage Pail Kids, especially Slimy Sara."

Okay, and while I was looking through this scrapbook, I found something that has nothing to do with PAM, but that made me laugh out loud and I just had to scan it in and share it, like, immediately. (Maybe I should be saving this until Christmas, but whatever.) It's a letter that I wrote to Santa Claus when I was 9-years-old. (The scan cut off some of the letter, so I will transcribe it below.)

The letter reads: "Dec. 13, 1986...Dear Santa Claus, Thank you for the things I got last year. (Notice how I don't mention any of these "things" specifically--probably because I can't remember exactly what I got, because I was a greedy little bastard who aspired to be like Alex P. Keaton, and Alex P. Keaton wasn't the type of dude who remembered what gifts Santa gave him last year, he was the type of dude who just wanted more gifts.) (Thankfully, I don't aspire to be like Alex P. Keaton anymore, though I would give my left foot for the chance to, like, have dinner with Michael J. Fox.) I think you look really good. (Way to butter him up, Erik!) (What I want to know is, when I say he's lookin' real good, am I talking about how good he looks in the picture I've drawn? Or did we go to the mall and he looked really good there?) Do you like my haircut? (Okay, when I originally transcribed this letter, I somehow missed this question, and then I had to come back and put it in because it's so funny. It's like, I gave him a compliment and now I'm fishing for one in return. I am fairly certain that the haircut I'm talking about was my killer flat top. Okay, now the letter is slowly going to shift towards what I'm really after.) It seems like Christmas was just yesterday. (Very good, Erik. Very casual.) How many helpers do you have? (That's good--engage him! Get him on your side!) What kind of cookies do you like? (Also good--you're showing interest in him right before going in for the kill--) Here are some things I would like for Christmas. (Smooth segue!) First series garbage pail kids. (I'm pretty sure I inserted a period there because that was really the only thing that I wanted. I mean, I would have been happy with any of the other things on my list, but I would have died and gone to heaven if I'd gotten the first series Garbage Pail Kids.) (I mean, my mother mentioned Garbage Pail Kids in her Mother's Day card to me--obviously I was obsessed.) (I didn't get the first series for Christmas that year, by the way; but I did eventually get them.) (I still have them.) (Preserved in plastic binders.) (Pristine.) Jams and Trolls. (Okay, I remember what Trolls were, but I have no idea what I was asking for when I said "Jams.") I like remote control cars too! (Such a lie.) (I never liked remote control cars.) (I was SO trying to be butch by asking for remote control cars.) (Actually, I didn't ask for remote control cars, I just mentioned that I "liked" them.) (I was REALLY trying to act straight for Santa.) (And that overcompensating exclamation point! I! Like! Remote! Control! Cars! Too!) (Poor little gay boy!) I also like 'Alf the doll' and magic tricks. (Oh my god, I was obsessed with Alf.) (I definitely got an Alf doll for Christmas that year.) (I went to sleep with that Alf doll in my arms until the freaking doll was ragged.) (I don't remember liking magic tricks.) Love, Erik Ross Patterson (I'm fairly certain I used my full name because I was aware that there were other "Erik Patterson"'s in the world and I didn't want him to mistakenly deliver my Garbage Pail Kids and Alf doll to the wrong "Erik Patterson.") P.S. "Merry Christmas." P.P.S. (and this is my favorite part of the letter) I would also like Fart Magazine Part II. Thanks."


If you wanna comment on this entry, make it a birthday wish to PAM.

Happy birthday Mom!


Bonnie said...

Happy birthday, PAM!!!!!

christy said...

Happy Birthday, PAM!!!

(both PAM and Moms McPhee are Geminis!)

(I woke up with a cheap wine headache which is why I'm up at this hour, drinking some water)

(but I have to be up for my Unemployment Interview between 10-12 so I'm going back to bed shortly)

(and I loved Alf and Garbage Pail Kids, too!)

(but NOT remote control cars)

(I hated those)

(my brother loved them, though. he was a bully.)

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Bonnie and Christy, for the birthday wishes. And thank you in advance to all those who may write while I am celebrating feeling younger than ever (though slightly menopausal) at 51.

This blog entry is the best gift I could get from a beautiful son who gets better every year. The Christmas letter to Santa Claus says it all. You are amazing. Can't think of anything I want more than your happiness.

Unless you can get me Fart Magazine Part III.

Love you,

Rebecca said...


drc said...

Happy birthday, PAM!

(And all I can say is PAM has nice lips!)(Was that wrong to say that about your mom?)

And I feel so old because you were 8 when I graduated high school!!!!

Gina said...

Happy Happy Birthday PAM!!! That first photo of the can of PAM..that's me:) I'm holding the PAM can! It's at my house. See, we were thinking of you on our game night. And yes, I'm wearing mardi gras beads. In my house. On game night. I like to mix it up a littl bit, ok? It's how I roll.

You must be so proud of your son, he's quite amazing. What a wonderful relationship you guys have together. And just think, I could have been your daughter in law. You could have been my PAM in law! And as much fun as we had dating, Erik was just destined for other things. And by things, I mean men..lol..

Have a kick ass birthday and celebrate by doing something you've never done before...

Erik-you're "dear santa" letter made me smile out loud...especially the commentary about keeping it casual and roping him in. Your so awesome and incredible. If you weren't such an fantastic writer, I'd tell you to become a teacher, because your sub stories are so dope and I think you have a special connection with those kids. I'm proud of you for making a difference. Even if you don't feel like you have. Love you!

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday! What kind of cake will you have?

Angela said...

bil hoozho bi'dizhchi-neeji' 'aneilkaah, PAM!

(Happy birthday in Navajo, if the internets are to be believed...)

I hope you have a beautiful, joyful, fun-full day!


TheDarkerUma said...

Happy birthday PAM/MAP!

Shove some cake in Erik's face for me.

Love Uma

Angela said...

Might "Jams" be referring to these:

Brightly colored tropical-themed boxer style cotton swimming trucks with a drawstring. These were originally seen in beach movies of the 1960s and were revived in the mid-1980s. These cost around $25 each and spawned a slew of imitators, although the only ones that were anywhere near as cool as the trademark Jams were the Ocean Pacific trunks.

They were SO cool in the '80s (at least in the O.C.)!

Anonymous said...

I think she is right on the "jams!" Go Erik! And Happy Birthday to PAM. Sorry I am a little late on this boat! Happy Belated!

Lanie :)

communicatrix said...

A belated "Happy Birthday!" to Pam. What a swell mom you have, Erik. I'm glad you appreciate it.

Now..."elderly"? ELDER-FUCKING-LY!?!?!

I hope you were kidding b/c I am, like, two years younger than Pam. If that.




Erik said...

Okay, I wasn't going to reply to any of the comments on this thread because I figured none of them would be directed at me, they would be birthday messages, and they ARE birthday messages, but a few of them still have comments directed at me, so here I go, let's see:

1. CHRISTY: Alf and Garbage Pail Kids rock. Hear hear.

2. PAM: I don't know if I can find a copy of Fart Magazine Part III, but I will look on eBay.

3. DRC: you can say whatever you want about PAM's lips. And you should NOT feel old because I was a VERY OLD 8.

4. GINA: thank you sweetie. Love you too. I've said it before and I'll say it again: you're the best ex-girlfriend I could aks for. (And yes, I said "aks," not "ask." One of my favorite jokes from Futurama is that people don't say the word "ask" anymore in the future, they say "aks," and I think that we should all start switching over to "aks" and make that premonition come true because how funny?)

5. LINDSAY LINDSAY: PAM like really sweet frosting (like, sickening sweet) and what we ended up doing for her birthday was we went out and got SO MUCH CAKE--we actually got 6 mini-cakes with various different frostings on them. There were six of us there--PAM, me, my stepdad, PAM's MAP, PAM's sister, and our cousin Ilene--but even so, it was a tremendous amount of cake. We felt really sick afterwards.

6. Unfortch, UMA: (and I think we should all start saying "unfortch" instead of "unfortunately") no one shoved any cake in anyone's faces. There was too much drama revolving around the LAST cake shoving incident. (Wasn't there? I feel like I took the joke too far, from what I can remember.)

7. ANGELA: it's funny, I can't imagine actually asking for CLOTHES for Christmas, because I pretty much hated clothes when I was a kid (not that I wanted to be a nudist or anything--I just wanted to wear WHATEVER and not have to freaking think about it or SHOP), but you're right, I remember now how popular those shorts were and I SO WANTED TO BE LIKED by the cool kids at school when I was that age, so I'm certain those shorts are the Jams I was asking for. Unfortch, I was always a year behind when it came to trendy clothes. Do you remember how popular Flourescent Maui and Sons clothes were? Yeah, until I finally convinced PAM to buy me a pair of Yellow flourescent Maui and Sons shorts and a pair of PINK flourescent Maui and Sons shorts, and I started wearing them to school all proud, but by then flourescents weren't in and I stood out like a freaking freak.

8. And COLLEEN: while I am a punk, I was definitely being facetious on the "elderly" thing. There ain't nothin' elderly about PAM. She's a spry l'il chickadee, and so are you.

9. PAM thanks all y'all for all your birthday wishes!

Anonymous said...

PAM- happy happy belated belated belated birthday wishes. I think it's really funny that you put in your comment getting Fart magazine III. You're funny.

I hope you had a great birthday.