Are you gonna go into the Gauntlet with me?

Speaking of the Gauntlet II. Ohmygod. Are you watching this shit? It's the best.

Seriously. It’s so good. And again, I have to ask: are you watching this shit? If you aren’t, you can stop reading right now, because the rest of this post really isn’t going to mean anything to you. But if you ARE watching, I gotta ask:

What is up with Beth? She is crazy--I mean, she’s CRAZY--but I never want her to go home because she's so fricken kuh-razy. That showdown between her and Ruthie was the best. Have I mentioned that Beth don't know kuh-rah-tee, but she do know kuh-razy? Yeah. She do. I love that she's like fifty years older than everyone else on the show, but somehow she’s the youngest and drunkest one of them all. Oh, and she’s crazy. And drunk.

And Derrick. How gangsta is Derrick? Really. He’s like a drunk superhero pitbull who’s always drunk. And then he gets drunk, and I'm like day-um. And he's hot too, in a drunk-superhero-pitbull-who's-always-drunk kinda way.

And Mark, the lothario with the fauxhawk? Every time he gets drunk, he falls in love with a new girl. (Jodi, you deserve better.) (So do you Robin.) And he’s always drunk. And he's kinda hot (but not as hot as Derrick), but he's also kinda skeezy too, and oh my god how did he did he get so drunk? (Oh my god, reread that sentence. I can't type. Am I drunk right now?) And have I mentioned how drunk Mark always is?

I am. I am drunk right now. Just thinking about how drunk all of these people always are. I am SUCH a lightweight. Oh my god.

I never watched Road Rules, but I used to love The Real World, back when it was good. Back when it was like Degrassi High for adults who say "about" instead of "aboot." Back when they dealt with issues in italics. Issues other than alcohol poisoning.

Remember the time David tried to rip the blanket off of Tami’s bed and they took the joke too far?

Or the time Puck spat in someone’s face? (Whose face did he spit in? I’m blanking right now.)

Or the time that little girl in daycare said that she didn’t like gay people and then Genesis sat there crying while Kameelah talked to the girl about accepting people who are different than you?

Or the time Neal’s girlfriend sent him a pig’s heart for Valentine’s Day? And then someone almost bit his tongue off at a nightclub!?!

Remember Pedro’s gay wedding? And the time Jay did his one-man show for the whole house in London? And the time the whole cast in Los Angeles sat around asking each other questions provided to them by the producers to prod them into talking about their sex lives? Back when Real Worlders actually needed some prodding before they would talk about their sex lives? Do you remember that?

Oh, halcyon days.

Anyway, the Gauntlet has everything in it that used to make The Real World good, and it also has all of the alcohol that makes the most recent seasons bad, but mix both of those elements with crazy physical challenges and--boom--somehow, suddenly you have THE BEST SHOW ON TELEVISION EVER.

True story.