Saturday, April 29, 2006

New Thing #69, dudes!

I suppose, since this is New Thing #69, it should be something sexual, but since I ain't gettin' any, y'all are gonna have to make do with a non-sixty-nine-ish New Thing.

But my Sixty-ninth New Thing is still pretty cool:

I met a fan.

Yes, you read that right:

I MET A FAN! How cool, right?

Okay, here's how it went down. Last night, I went to a party at my second (and last) ex-girlfriend Gina's house. It was another High School Friends reunion, except now that we're hanging out again more frequently I suppose we can't really call these get-togethers reunions anymore, and it wasn't just old friends from high school, there were new peeps there last night as well. Anyway, this was our second Game Night. I was kind of late (kind of? okay, try: last to arrive) and people were, um, buzzed by the time I got there. Which explains the "raising of the roof" hollas (is that a word) (I'm trying to be gangsta, but I'm not sure if "hollas" is a word) (but would gangstas worry if it was a word? hells, no--they would just use) (therefore, fuck that worrying shit, these bitches was hollasing) when I arrived.

Okay, so, before I met my fan, actually, well, the first thing I did when I got to the party, was eat about seven deviled eggs (made by my second [and last] ex-girlfriend Gina's fiance Matt) because deviled eggs are perhaps the most delicious fucking thing ever invented.

(They're so delicious that I had a seriously difficult time spelling "delicious" just now. I was all "delishious?" Um, no. Then I was like "delishus?" Way wrong. And then I was like, "delitious?" And then I was like, "dude, seriously?" And then I was totally, "am I having a stroke right motherfucking now?" And then I was like, "delicious!" And then, I swear, I was like, "wait, delicious with a 'c'?" And then there was this other part of me that was all, "dude, delicious with a 'c.'" And then I resisted the urge to check dictionary.com because I wanted to trust that other part of me. And then I spent a few moments being sad that I don't ever use a real dictionary anymore, I just use the cyber one. And then I wondered how long it would be before computers took over the world with their superior brain power and turned all of us puny little humans into slaves. But then I took solace in the fact that cockroaches are going to outlast us all and manymany years [manymany beats] after we're all gone and the computers are all gone, there will be giant cockroaches roaming the planet, which is kinda cool if you think about it. I mean, sad that humans won't be around any more, but this is a couple of million years from now and just think about a cockroach the size of an SUV and you've gotta admit it's pretty dang cool. And then I thought about our eventual extinction a little bit more, except I actually [honestly!] just typed the word "distinction" just now instead of the word "extinction," which is further proof that I recently had an undiagnosed stroke in the middle of the night, but then I realized that "distinction" was completely not the word I meant and I went back and replaced it with "extinction," so, anyway, back to what I was thinking about before I was thinking about my undiagnosed stroke, I was thinking about our eventual extinction and that made me think about all of the kids in our world that need parents and it made me mad that gay couples can't get married and therefore have such a hard time adopting, and that made me wish that people would stop having so many dang babies and that they would adopt more [because we've got so many dang babies that need you!], and then I was mad at Britney Spears for about thirty seconds, I was mad at her and Kevin's apparent inability to recognize [1] the need to take their child to the hospital when he has a motherfucking skull fracture and [2] the need to wear condoms in order to lesson the likelihood of any more Spears-Federlines running around our fine city eating Doritos and drinking Jack and Coke, and then [after thirty seconds] I decided to let go of my anger at Britney and to fantasize some more about adopting lots of Chinese babies with my own Harry Greenblatt, and then, suddenly, every single word in this paragraph looked like it was spelled wrong except for "delicious." Finally, now, after all of these words, "delicious" looks right, yes, motherfucking right.)

So after I ate seven of these de-lish-eeee-ous (I don't mind spelling it wrong when it's a choice) deviled eggs, I ate a couple of theses scrumdiddleiumptious (spelled correctly) cherry tart thingies (they were really good) (I love maraschino cherries)

(if I could get all of my daily vitamins and nutrients from maraschino cherries, I'd be a happy man) that my friend Lane (who I've known since I was fifteen, but whom I've never dated) (and who's going to be mad at me for spelling her name "Lane" and for not spelling it "Lanie," which is how it's pronounced, but it is spelled Lane on her driver's license and I have always thought that Lane is a super cool name and that Lane without the "i" is a super cool spelling of said super cool name and that you can still say it with the "ee" sound at the end even if you don't spell it with the "i") made.

(That's Lane on the right, Gina on the left.)

So after I ate the scrumdiddleiumptious cherry tart thingies, Fiona, one of Gina's friends who I've never met before, comes up to me and says, "I never leave comments."

And I'm like, "huh? what?"

And then she continued: "You wouldn't know me because I never leave comments, but I read your blog and when you walked in I immediately recognized you and I've never met anyone before who I already knew from a blog before meeting them. I'm your number one fan. You're like a celebrity."

(Okay, she didn't say the "I'm your number one fan" thing, and she didn't say that "you're like a celebrity" thing either, but I'm allowed to embellish because I'm not talking about having half of my teeth pulled out of my mouth without novocaine and I'm admitting my embellishments.)

But she still acted like she was meeting a celebrity, and even though I was beginning to feel slightly nauseous (which I want to spell "naucious") after having eaten so many dang deviled eggs and cherry tarts, it was still pretty cool to have a stranger come up to me and be like "I know you from your blog!"


(That's Fiona, my #1 Fan, in the center of the picture. That's Gina on the right, and that's Gina's friend Moe, who I also met last night, but who [as far as I know] doesn't read my blog, on the left.)

Oh, and (since BonBon McBonBon and Babes McPhee have started calling me Kiki Longpost, I figure I might as well really embrace the name), one last thing: Gina gave me the most awesomest gift last night. Check it out:


"The Best of Gilda Radner: SNL" on DVD. I had "The Best of Gilda Radner: SNL" on VHS when I was a kid and whenever I felt down about something, I always knew that watching "The Best of Gilda Radner: SNL" (henceforth TBOGR:SNL) would make all of my troubles go away. And it always worked. No matter what. If I didn't get cast in a play and I was upset about it, I would put TBOGR: SNL into the tape player and I suddenly didn't care about that play anymore because I knew there would always be more plays to audition for. If it started raining and I couldn't play outside anymore, it didn't matter because I knew I had TBOGR: SNL. If one of the school bullies decided to chase me around the playground for the entire lunch period, threatening to beat me up (and, to be honest, this only happened once) I knew that, whether I got beaten up or not (and I didn't), at least I could go home and watch TBOGR: SNL afterwards.

She's brilliant, she's funny, and she makes me cry (in the La Dolce Gilda sketch, which isn't really a sketch, it's actually a mini-movie, and it's perfect).

(The caption in the above photo, from La Dolce Gilda, reads: "Leave me my dreams. Dreams are like paper, they tear so easily.")

So I would watch TBOGR: SNL all the freaking time when I was a kid. Like, all the dang time. I watched it hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times. It entered my life in elementary school, it was (pretty much) my only friend in junior high school, it stayed with me through thick and thin in high school (BFF! KIT!), and it was one of the first things I packed when I went off to college.

Flash forward a couple of years to 2004, or thereabouts. I was living with Urp and Eleanor. Eleanor and I were hanging out and I forget what was bothering her, but Eleanor was really upset about something, and I told her I had the perfect solution. I knew what would get her out of her funk, out of her depression, out of her doldrums, or upsettedness. I knew EXACTLY how to turn her frown upside down. GILDA.

I ran to my room and grabbed my trusty old VHS copy of TBOGR: SNL. I put it into the VCR. I told Eleanor to prepare for brilliance and sunny days. And then a terrible thing happened. The VCR played fuzz. Nothing but fuzz. FUZZ. And there was this weird sound coming from the machine. This weird whirring sound.

I hit "eject." I looked at my tape, my old friend, my TBOGR: SNL. And she was broken. After so much play, the (apparently) flimsy film was loose. It was no longer connected to that plastic circle thing. (Look, people, I'm a writer! I use descriptive words like "thing!") It wouldn't play anymore.

My TBOGR:SNL was dead.

So then I was thrust into a depression of my own and Eleanor and I sat around the living room eating pints of Chocolate Chocolate Chip Haagan Daz ice cream and cursing the universe. It was a really sad day.

Flash forward a couple of months. Eleanor told me she had a surprise for me. She told me to close my eyes. When I opened them again, I found a new copy of TBOGR: SNL in my hands. On DVD! Oh my god, awesome. The world is good again. The world is right.

Except it wasn't. It wasn't a DVD. It was some sort of weird computer disc that wasn't a DVD and so it wouldn't play on our DVD player and there were even instructions on how to download the program thing that would allow us to thing the thing that we would need to thing if we wanted to watch our new copy of TBOGR: SNL. (I used the word "thing" so many times in this paragraph in order to illustrate how useless and frustrating this computer disc's instructions were.)

So now we had a copy of TBOGR: SNL on a disc that we weren't able to play and we were thrust into even deeper doldrums.

This was, like, a year ago. No, wait: two years ago! I finally stopped eating Haagen Daz ice cream and moved on with my life, but there has always been a part of me that has been upset that whenever I've needed any sort of pick-me-up, I haven't been able to go home to my TBOGR: SNL. If I was a weaker man, I would have resorted to a whole slew of drugs by now. Thankfully, I'm strong. Thankfully, a part of me knew that Gilda would one day come back into my life, and thanks to Gina (who succeeded where Eleanor failed) (sorry Eleanor), I now have TBOGR: SNL on DVD and this is one of the happiest days of my freaking life.

It's like I've been missing a chunk of my mojo for the last few years and I just got it back and now I'm ready to take over. So watch the freak out, world.

Word.

38 comments:

Bonnie said...

First!

Bonnie said...

Okay, that's seriously like the most delicious post ever.

Your friends (and fans) are the best people on the planet. Life is so sweet!

christy said...

Yay!! So much fun. It makes me wonder if people are reading *my* blog, and love it, and will never comment so I'll never know! (There's not a counter like on myspace, so I *knew* people were looking...)

And just to comment on the Bill & Ted allusion (I so just made them literary but putting them in the same sentence as 'allusion'), That line, "69 dudes!" was one of those lines that I laughed at because I probably knew it was supposed to be funny, but I probably didn't actually GET until like 8 years after seeing the movie, when I was in high school.

And I was like, "OHHHHHH."

THIRD!

jenny said...

This is really weird, Erik. There is some strange Gilda Radner serendipity thing happening throughout the blogosphere right now. I left a comment about her on someone's site, then someone different said I looked like her on my site, then I went to a completely random site that had an entire post about her, and now I come here and see your post. What's going on?

I think it means that I need to buy TBOGR dvd tomorrow. So that's what I'm going to do.

PS - those cherry tarts look awesome!

drc said...

I never leave comments either. But I love your blog!

I only found you a couple days ago, but I now read as often as you post.

And I saw Bill & Ted in the movie theater when it first came out.

Bonnie said...

Babes, you can totally add a counter. Just go to BlogPatrol.com or SiteMeter.com and get the code to paste into your blogspot template. For reals!

Oh, and KiK, I forgot to ask what the gang signs that are being thrown there mean. Can you tell us or would you have to kill us?

Boom Boom Becca said...

hey, you just left me a comment at the very same time i was writing a post about your last post. we're typing at THE SAME EXACT TIME.

Boom Boom Becca said...

how cool would it be if you were also watching the surreal life like i am right this second?

Erik said...

Ninth! (Or fifth!)

Erik said...

Bonnie, my friends are pretty "best people on the planet," aren't they?

We were actually talking about comments and the fact that I'm a "comment padder" (that phrase didn't actually come up last night, I think I just coined that phrase and if I DID just coin it, then I need to copywright that shit) (even though I don't really see how coining the phrase "comment padder" would ever turn into coin for me, but still) and Gina and Lane were saying that they come to my blog and see 100 comments and they're like "whoa!" until they see that 80 of those 100 comments have been left by me and that 70 of them have been left by you and Christy (and I know that that's faulty math).

I love our comment craziness. life IS sweet, indeed.

Erik said...

Christy, I so know what you're talking about when you say you didn't know what "69" meant until years and years after you first heard the phrase in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Same thing with me and the phrase "blow-job."

christy said...

Wait, what *is* a blow job?

Erik said...

Jenny, OMG, go go go buy TBOGR on DVD tomorrow! You will not be disappointed. (And now that you mention it, I see the Gilda resemblance.) (And that's really strange about Gilda being all over the blogosphere right now. What was the other blog that had a post about her?)

Since you're about to go buy the DVD and watch it, I want to share a few thoughts. First of all, I haven't watched my DVD yet. It was too late last night when I got home and I've been out and about all day today. But I just found this review title "DVD vs. VHS" by someone named Jason Marlin on amazon.com:

*
"This is by far the best of the "Best Of" compliations for SNL because Gilda is truly a comic genius and by far one of the most talented, if not THE most talented of any of the SNL players. I had the VHS version that was released in the late 80's/early 90's and it was spectacular. I had since lost the tape and have been waiting for the DVD to come out. I really enjoyed the DVD and the special features that came with it. There are some slight differences between the older VHS release and the new DVD release. There are some skits involving "Emily Litella" and "Rosanne Rosannadanna" that are different. The performance of "Gimme Mick" by "Candie Slice" is much better on the older VHS release, however the DVD version shows more of her character and why she is the way she is and it's quite funny. Overall, I am very pleased with the DVD and am happy it is released. The only thing missing was the classic "Harley's Bristol Cream" commercial."
*

Okay, now, a few thoughts about this...I'm slightly nervous about what this guy says about the Rosanna Rosannadanna and Emily Litella sketches being different. I don't know if he means that they are literally different sketches or if they have been edited differently (which is what it sounds like has been done to the Candie Slice sketch), so I don't know what to think about that. As far as the Harley's Bristol Creme sketch...that one was funny, but it was such a short sketch, I don't foresee missing it.

MY FAVORITE SKETCHES:
--"Audience Questions" is so charming, it's Gilda being herself and being hilarious. When I watch SNL nowadays, I usually fast-forward through the opening sketch because even though the opening sketch should be the most compelling sketch, I find that it's usually the worst sketch. "Audience Questions" is how it should be done.

--"Dancing in the Dark," which is a duet between Gilda and Steve Martin and it's the best filmed dance sequence in the history of filmed dance sequences.

--"Extremely Stupid," is soooooooo funny and I don't want to say why. You will watch it and see for yourself.

--"Stretch Marks," which features snippets of several songs that I will often find myself absent-mindedly humming. "Streeeeetch marks, streeeeetch marks...footprints of time on your skin..." And "F-U-L-L-F-I-L-L-M-E-N-T...that's what your love means to me."

--"Soup Commercial," is FREAKING FUNNY.

--"Laundromat" is tender and makes me want to fall in love. (Seriously.)

--"La Dolce Gilda" is just beautiful.

The other sketches are all good, but the ones I've listed above are SLICES OF HEAVEN.

Erik said...

drc, thank you for the love! Thank you for coming out of the woodwords! Thank you for commenting! Do it more! (I AM A WHORE FOR COMMENTS!)

xo

Erik said...

Bonnie, those gang signs are a "C" and an "M" to signify "Costa Mesa."

Erik said...

Oh, and Babes, my counter is through www.statcounter.com and it's really easy to set up and I love it.

Erik said...

Boom Boom,

I totally left my comment on your blog and then left my computer so I didn't see your comment/post until later and I have to say two things:

1. I AM SO FLATTERED by your post.
and
2. I WISH I WAS WATCHING SURREAL LIFE, but I wasn't, I was watching this week's episode of Survivor (on Tivo) (for the second time).

Erik said...

Babes, honestly I don't really know what a Blow-Job is, no one will tell me, all I know is that it involves blowing air with your mouth and you can apply for the position and if you get one you're a dick. Or something.

christy said...

Why would anyone want a position that makes them a dick, KiKi? I'm so confused!

I just always thought 69 was really funny as just some random number that two people were thinking of at the same time.

I think it's actually *more* funny not meaning anything.

And my older brother would never ever tell me what the "C" word was. Just like my mom still won't tell me who the secret lesbian lovers in our church growing up were (I guessed one). She always told me one day she would tell me, but then she found out I like lesbians better than Christians and now she won't tell me.

Bonnie said...

Copyright.

Not copywright.

And the fact that you're throwing gang signs for Costa Mesa is just the coolest thing EVER.

Well... no... this is cooler. Seriously. Blog Gang Sign.

Don't be a hater on me!!!

And yeah, that's part of why it's a tough call to comment on your own comments... b/c that pads your comments and what does that look like? Padding your BRA! And since I've been a C-cup since like 4th grade, I need to embrace learning how that feels for once.

Anyway... yeah... Becca loves you best now. That must mean I SUCK. :(

Erik said...

Babes, every day I love your mom more and more. I really want to know more about the secret lesbians at your church.

Erik said...

Bonnie, oh man, copyright, yes. Playwright, copyright.

That blog gang sign frigging rocks the house!

Costa Mesa is pretty gangsta. Me and my homies ride our lowriders down the street drinkin on our gin and juice. (I don't even know what I just said.)

And I'm sure you're still Becca's number one in her heart. Or in her loins. Yes, definitely in her loins, for sure.

(Oh, and I am okay with comment padding, at least of the one comment reply per comment kind that I am so guilty of, because it gives each person's comment a little sauce, a little extra love, you know?)

jenny said...

Actually, the Dancing in the Dark sequence makes me cry a little, because I remember when Gilda died, Steve Martin just happened to be the host of SNL that night. Instead of doing a monologue, he talked about Gilda and they played that sketch. Then he was all choked up and I'm seriously welling up right now remembering it. GAH! I just love her.

Here's the other site that just posted about her: i can explain

Erik said...

Oh, and Bonnie, if you look real close at the photo of the Gilda DVD, I think someone is making the Costa Mesa gang sign in the background! Check it out.

Erik said...

(and Eleanor, we totally need to watch this together, ASAP) (see what I meant?)

Erik said...

Jenny, I'm choked up reading about you and Steve Martin getting choked up and their dancing segment gets me choked up as well.

And thank you for sending me to that other blog! I love that she met Bill Murray and had to ask him about Gilda. That's lovely.

Bonnie said...

*sniffle*

I sooooo loved that moment on SNL when Steve Martin choked up and they showed that dancing scene. Man, that was poetic, lovely, and so touching.

KiK, I totally believe you when you say you've been lowriding and drinking gin and juice. I totally do. Anyone with as punkass a mom as yours HAS to be gangstah like you.

Erik said...

Bonnie, it's funny, you know that song "Low Rider" (by, um, honestly I don't know who sings it)? Back in the day, we used to pile into Lane's awesome old Mustang, crank "Low Rider" up (way up) on the stereo, and cruise the streets of CM, singing and actin' cool.

"All my friends love a low rider..."

Bonnie said...

Greatness.

jenny said...

I just got back from Best Buy, with my new copy of TBOGR: SNL. Now... time to pick up some Thai food, crack open a beer, and watch one of the funniest women EVER!

I might need to watch the dance sequence first, so she can cheer me up later...

;)

Erik said...

OMG, Jenny, enjoy. Thai food, a beer, and Gilda. That sounds like heaven.

Angel said...

Am I late to the party???

Okay, so I just finished my Thai Melon Curry for breakfast, with tea- not beer it's not even 9 AM yet--

So great to see so much love for Gilda -- must have a coast to coast live BOSNL Gilda DVD viewing and live blogging session soon!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the love Erik! Lowrider (the original) was by War. But the version we listened to was a re-make by Latin Alliance. Hmmm.... maybe I should post a music archive on my blog about this! I hope no OG's from CM get pissed about our signs!
--Lane or Lanie (which ever you prefer!)

P.S. You've seen my driver's license? :)

Gina said...

I am on cloud nine. My photo is on your blog! My old mug...right there on your blog. That is SO hot!
Glad you made it on Friday. And we weren't buzzed, we were happy to see you:)
Glad you liked your present! I was hoping you didn't have it all ready.
Oh, and you missed the after party. We all head to Shane and Fiona's house around midnight and karaoke'd until 3am.
I'm glad you got to meet my other friends. They loved you. of course. what's not to love?
I have amazing photos from that night. I will put them on my clubphoto soon.
Mwah!

Erik said...

Angel, no one is ever late to the party. The party just keeps going and going. So, welcome!

I looooooove the idea of watching Gilda together and having a liveblogging session. I've never done that before. It's SO a new thing.

Erik said...

Lane, you should so totally post a music archive on your blog. I'd love the trip down memory lane. I never would have thought of either of those band names.

(And I don't think I've actually ever seen your driver's license--or if I have, I haven't seen it since high school--but I know how your name is legally spelled. Oh, yes, I do.)

Erik said...

Gina, I had so much fun, and THANK YOU again for the Gilda DVD. We have to meet up and watch it together again soon. xoxo

(Oh, and I loved meeting your friends! They were awesome peeps.)

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