Monday, August 14, 2006

Fresh Meat live blog is BACK

Okay, so I'm going to live blog MTV's Fresh Meat again tonight, because Uma told me to (that's not completely true) (actually, I suggested it and then she approved of the idea).

Derrick and Diem are falling in love and it's making her forget that she has ovarian cancer. She's mumbling and she doesn't make sense. (Okay, so far this blog entry doesn't really make much sense either.) (I was sort of lost in staring at Derrick and his amazing Derrickness to be able to focus on what was actually going on in the episode.) She's afraid that no one will want to be with her because she has cancer. But what she doesn't realize is that she's totally one of (if not THE) coolest people in the house. And Derrick is such a manstud, and such a sweetheart, and you can tell he's falling in love. I hope they get married and have lots of beautiful little babies. It's impossible to be snarky when talking about them.

Okay, other stuff has happened and I've just been babbling about how much I love Derrick and Diem. Now it's time for today's challenge, which involves diving under water and staying down for as long as possible. I would be terrible at this. I was in a play many, many years ago and I remember during one of the rehearsals we had these "who can hold your head under water the longest" competitions and I was really bad at it. That's a true story.

Wes is talking shit about Casey again. Some things never change.

Tina and Kenny just went underwater. I've barely said anything about Fresh Meat. Okay, while we're on commercial, I just want to point out again that during that "holding your breath under water" competition, I think that part of it was a weird claustrophobia thing, because when I'm swimming I can stay underwater for a long time. But when we were sitting onstage and I was holding my head in a pot of water I could only stay for, like, five seconds. Uma was in the play too. I can't remember how well she did, but I think she was probably better than me at it. I think everyone was better than me at it. I was a really sucky hold-your-head-in-a-pot-of-water actor.

Okay, we're back.

Tina just said that she could feel "the pressure in her head getting worse" and I like Tina so I'm not going to make any stupid jokes. Not jokes that are stupid, but jokes about stupidity. That's what I meant. Wow, I feel really stupid right now. MTV just made it look like Derrel and Aviv did really bad at this challenge, but sometimes they edit it so you can't tell who is doing well and who isn't and I think they did weller than they want us to think. Oh, wait, DAMN: Chanda and whoever her partner is (I can't see him right now, oh wait, it's Theo) they are doing KICK ASS. They were under water for, like, an hour.

Wes just called Casey "stupid on so many levels it isn't even funny." Despite the fact that he usually DQ's himself.

Okay, it's Derrick and Diem's turn. Go, go, go, fucking hold your breaths, please, come on, oh shit, is that a shark? Derrick is greaking, he was vowing to do really good at this, but then he saw what looked like either a shark or a big fish (maybe it was that thing from the TV show Surface) and, ok, he's still holding his breath, okay, fuck, it WAS a shark, but they did really well and MTV wants us to think they won, which means they're probably second place...okay, TJ is about to tell us...YES! They WON!

Derrick and Diem fucking deserve to win this. Come on Gods of MTV. They freaking need the money so they can pay for their inevitable weapon. I like that Diem is finally getting into the gane-playing part of this game. The smart thing to do is vote out the strong people, and the strong people just happen to be their friends, and last week Derrick made her put her best friend into exile and now Diem is making Derrick put HIS best friend into exile, and Derrick looks so upset, BUT COME ON. You gotta do this. We're talking 250 thousand buckaroos.

Another commercial. I'm really hungry. I had a really late lunch and then all I had for dinner was a chicken breast and now I'm starving. Oh, I saw a promo for the 11 o'clock news on CBS earlier tonight and they were teasing a story about Tom and Katie saving some people and the story is totally about the clown people pictured two posts below. I totally have to remember to watch that. Maybe they'll explain their crotches.

Okay, we're back. Diem looks almost THRILLED to be putting one of Derrick's friends in Exile. Derrick looks like he's going to throw up. I think Diem is taking such perverse pleasure in this, it's ridiculous. I'm glad that Chanda understands--she realizes that it's all about competition at this point, and that they're the strongest peeps right now. This is really good news for Derrick and Diem. Darrell and Aviv just got selected to go into Exile against Theo and Chanda--and Darrell is also one of Derrick's best friends. Which means that the two supposed strongest teams are going into Exile. Derrick and Diem can TOTALLY beat Wes/Casey and Tina/Kenny in the end. This rocks. This is good. (Except now everyone hates Derrick, which sucks, but come on: dude has to win this money so he and Diem can buy horses to ride off into the sunset together on.)

I don't know why Darrell is pissed off at Derrick--Derrick didn't have anything to do with the rest of everyone voting him into Exile. How on earth did Wes stay in this game so long? It's kinda crazy.

Okay, now we're at the Cheeky Monkey bar that they hang at, and MTV just showed us a sign that said "69" and I think that was a little obvious, right before cutting away to Derrick and Diem drunkenly making out and Diem telling Derrick, "you know what...I'm bad."

And how they're sitting on the sidewalk talking about how good Derrick's heart is (true) and how great his "wooooo" is, and then they show Derrick saying that "the money will help Diem the might ultimately save her life, and that's what matters the most," and if it was possible to love him even more, I do right now.

This wasn't a very good live blog.

They just showed a clip of Derrick being interviewed on MTV's Fresh Meat online Aftershow where Derrick says "Derrick loves the girls, man," and that makes me wonder if maybe Derrick has googled himself and read my Fresh Meat liveblogs, because I get so many goddanged google hits about Fresh Meat and all of the various cast members that I'm sure pretty much everyone on the show has self-googled and come here at some point, (seriously, I get, like 30 hits a day from people who have googled Fresh Meat related searches) and I hope Derrick isn't freaked out by the fact that I have a huge crush on him, it's really just a blog crush, not really a real life crush. I know that you love the girls, Derrick. A crush is a crush. I just want you to be happy because I honestly think you're the best person to come out of an MTV reality show. You have a heart the size of a watermelon. Rock on.

(I just reread some of this--I didn't reread the whole thing, I just kinda skimmed it--and I laughed when I read the sentence "maybe they'll explain their crotches" because it isn't completely clear that I'm talking about the clowns and you could totally read that sentence as referring to Tom and Katie and I think it can work that way too.) (Because if Tom and Katie explained their crotches on the eleven o'clock news on CBS, well, I think a lot of people would tune in for that.)


Anonymous said...


Erik said...

This comment thread needs more comments.

Erik said...

I'm really sad that Derrick and Diem lost in Exile last night. I hope that some awesome rich person was watching the show and sent Diem a handsome check to pay for all of her medical bills because she is a fighter and she deserved to win Fresh Meat and I wish I was rich and I could send her an anonymous check of 250,000 buckaroonies.