Saturday, December 23, 2006

New Thing #184: Five Things You Didn't Know About Me

New Thing #184: I'm doing my first official meme. Communicatrix tagged me and damned if I'm not gonna follow up on a tagging. So here goes.

It's simple, it's sweet. It's:

Five Things You Didn't Know About Me

(1.) I worked at Barnes and Noble for two summers during college, and while it was an okay job (I loved being surrounded by books), the pay was kinda crappy (they promoted me to "section supervisor" without a pay raise, which they could get away with because "section supervisor" wasn't a real position and I was apparently stupid--what it meant was that I had two other employees who I had to boss around, but we were, like, all making the same amount of money, and there was this weird dynamic of "why do I suddenly have all of this extra responsibility and nothing to show for it?") and they once made me "keep an eye on" a customer who was masturbating in the cooking section because they couldn't kick him out of the store "unless he's exposing himself--so watch until he does" (those were my manager's exact words) and so, (I still haven't gotten to the "thing you don't know about me" part), anyway, after I stopped working at Barnes and Noble, I kinda felt like they owed me, and, well, I'd always fantasized about living a life of crime (not in a bad way, more in a robbing-banks-looks-fun-in-the-movies type of way), so I tried my hand at shoplifting. For the thrill of it, mostly--I didn't honestly have a beef against Barnes and Noble. (I stole a book about the Dali Lama and several magazines.) (And that was the extent of my life of crime.)

(2.) (okay, this next thing I'm gonna say is maybe something you know about me if you know me IRL, but it's definitely something I've never blogged about and so I figure it's fair game) (and besides, it's a poop story and we all know how much I love talking about poop) (but if your eyes just glazed over and you were like, "uh-oh, not another poop story," just give this one a moment of your time because it's a good one.) When I was fifteen-years-old, I played the kid in a production of On Golden Pond at this tiny little theater in Fullerton. And when I say "tiny little" I'm not being redundant; it was a very small theater space. The theater's seating capacity was forty. And there were only two small bathrooms, unisex, located in the theater's lobby. Which meant that the actors used the same bathrooms as the audience, and we'd have to make sure to use the facilities as soon as we got to the theater because once audience members started arriving, we were basically trapped in the dressing room (the single dressing room, mind you, that all of the actors shared) until we got our call for places. All of us actors were hanging out in the dressing room, getting ready, when I suddenly had to poop, pronto. It was about 7:30 and the audience would start to arrive soon, but I had to go. This would not wait. So I excused myself from the dressing room and went to poop in the tiny little theater's tiny little bathroom.

It was a massive poop. An earth-shattering poop. Total hugeness. When I finished, I looked down into the toilet bowl and I couldn't help but be slightly in awe. That came out of me, I thought to myself. It was so big that it filled the bowl. And I'm not talking chunks of poop or lots of little swirlies or anything; I'm talking one huge ginormous solid twelve-inch-long ginormous piece of shit.

Moment of admiration complete, I grabbed the toilet handle and flushed. And then...nothing. I tried the flusher again, and again...nothing. Um, whoa. What am I supposed to do? On one hand, I can't ask anyone for help because I'm fifteen-years-old and gawky and not quite comfortable in my own skin (yet) to ask someone else for help in poop related matters. On the other hand, I can't just leave this big giant piece of poop here and go back into the dressing room and pretend I don't know anything about the big giant piece of poop because everyone involved with this tiny little theater is currently in the dressing room and they all know that I've left to go to the bathroom, so if the poop stays here then they'll know it's mine, without a doubt.

I try the flusher again, and again, and again, but I'm stuck. This poop is not going to go down. I'm starting to freak out.

By now it's 7:40 and I can't hear anyone in the lobby, so for now the coast outside is clear, but the calm is not going to last for long. We've got about twenty people coming to tonight's performance and they should start arriving any second. The poop must disappear. How the frig am I going to get it gone? I have a plan...

I poke my head out of the bathroom into the lobby. It's empty. I calmly walk over to the coffee counter they've set up and I grab one of the extra-large styrofoam cups they've set out. I walk back into the bathroom with the styrofoam cup, scoop the large piece of poop into the cup (it was so big that the poop stuck out the top of the cup several inches). I cover the top of the poop--the part of the poop that was sticking out of the top of the cup--with a wad of toilet paper, I walk through the theater's lobby with the styrofoam cup of poop in my hands, I walk around to the side of the building, and I throw the poop, styrofoam cup and all, into a bush...just as I hear someone saying "hey, Erik," and turn to see my director approaching. I don't know if she saw me throw the poop, but audience members are beginning to arrive and the director shoos me back into the theater, quick. Poop crisis averted.

So that's my poop in a styrofoam cup story.

(3.) My toes are double jointed and I can move most of them individually (try it, it's not as easy as it sounds--usually when you move one toe, several other toes just automatically move with it, but not on my foot, fuckers!) (I got really toe proficient after watching the Daniel Day-Lewis flick My Left Foot) (for several months following, I was obsessed with training my feet to be as cool as Daniel Day-Lewis' character's feet--opening doors with them, trying to write with them, etc. And I got pretty good at it.

(4.) I only own two pairs of socks. (And that's including the two pairs of socks I received today from my Aunts Jill and Lori, for Christmas, with the new pair of "meeting shoes" they gave me.) (Very comfy shoes.) (Technically, I'm in possession of about two other pairs of socks, but they don't actually belong to me--I borrowed them from my stepdad.) (Okay, "stole" them from him.) (But that's the extent of my life of crime.) (And now I can return his socks and embrace socks of my own.)

(5.) (I'm starting to get so sleepy that I'm typing random words that don't make any sense.) (I honestly can't even remember what the first four examples of things you don't know about me were.) (Anyway, here's #5.) When I'm substitute teaching, I usually eat lunch alone in my room or I go out to get lunch because the teachers in the Teacher's Lounge are too clicky and I don't feel like I belong and it makes me feel like I'm a dork in junior high school again. (Awww, so sad.)

And that's "Five Things You Didn't Know About Me." Since Communicatrix mentioned that a meme isn't officially a meme unless you tag someone at the end of it, I'd like to tag:

Jesse, Kyle, BonBon, Urp, Aimie, Steve, Joe Chandler, and the Time Magazine Person of the Year: YOU.


Anonymous said...

1) we've not met irl
2) jessica kickass said i should read your blog
3)i run the la service org for theatres
4)i just sent you a friend request on myspace because i'll have a show to promote in february
5)i have a 17 year old stepdaughter

Anonymous said...

1) Your poop stories make me wanna gag...and yet, here I sit reading them, knowing full well that I'll inevitably regret it!
2) I've never been skiing...(that may really belong more in a game of "I never..." than 5 things you didn't know about me
3) I've always wanted a Christmas tree, but the closest I've come is hanging lights when I moved into my own apartment!
4) for a long time "Dirty Dancing" was my favorite movie ever!
5) Your genius, motivation, and perseverance inspire me immensely...but I haven't told you that...until now. So there, now you know. Happy Holidays! xo Ilene

Erik said...


1) you're right, we haven't met, but i think you handed me a certificate at the kirk douglas theater when i was nominated for an ovation. or, if you didn't hand it to me, you were definitely there, so we've definitely been in the same room at the same time irl.

2) i love jessica kickass. did you go to her christmas party this year? i bummed that i missed it.

3) love the la service org too.

4) friended.

5) 17 is an awesome age, i bet she's cool.

Erik said...


1) no regrets! we all poop!
2) i was going to suggest we play a game of "i never" at the next family function, but then i realized, um, wait, no, there are some things that we probably don't all wanna know about each other!
3) i've never had my own christmas tree either.
4) i just watched Dirty Dancing the other night! such a good movie. oh how i miss Jennifer Grey's nose.
5) thank you! love you.

steve said...

1) I was a used car salesman for a summer
2) I've never shoplifted, but was once accosted in a Kmart for putting baseball cards in my coat as I went to ask my parents if they could buy them for me. Everyone including my parents thought I was going to steal the cards, but I wasn't. (The extent of my life of crime)
3) I haven't read a book in over a year
4) I can't think of a good #4
5) I read this post and responded while on the can

Anonymous said...

I did this already cuz Meg tagged me, but I forgot to tag somebody.... Thanks for thinking of me, though!

aimie said...

1. i always have nail polish on my toes, even if i don't have it on my finger nails.

2. my cat's fur smells like heaven to me and i stick my face into their bellies and behind their ears every day. wierd cat lady, yes.

3. i love gorey movies (edward gorey, too, for that matter) and can eat at the same time i watch them. just did it with the hannibal brain sequence with a pomegranate salad while my bf and mom had to leave the room. pish posh.

4. i cannot poop in public places. my bf calls me a poop miser. it just knows when it wants to come out and it is only at home.

5. i had never stolen anything from a store and so i decided to take a wee ring from nordstrom rack (i did spend over $100 on other things there that day, i promise) just for the danger of it. i got the ring home and it was too big for all of my fingers. that taught me never to do it again.

i'm so glad to hear the poop story again. i try to tell it from time to time because it's one of my favorites but i don't tell it so well. and, it loses its pertinence without you present.

Anonymous said...


I know, I'm gross but I've been waiting a long time for you to spill that one!

Oh wait - that came out wrong...

Hm, now there's REALLY no way to end this gracefully...

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, 5 things...

1) I'm left handed (borrrring!)
2) I always sit with my legs crossed up on the chair because I can't stand to have my feet on the floor
3) I can't tell my left from my right. No joke.
4) I've got really bad heartburn right now (does that count??)
5) In college, my hair was several colors of the rainbow, and once I dyed it green before I came home for Christmas because my mom was making me come home early for a dinner with my step-grandmother who I didn't like and I KNEW would hate my green hair!

TheDarkerUma said...

1) I shoplifted a lot as a kid. I wasn’t allowed to eat sugar, white flour, meat, or anything that was at all artificial or unhealthy. I was so embarrassed at “lunch time” then, but now I would be considered cool and hip. Anyhoo, I shoplifted chocolate bars any chance I could get (from the age of 10 to 13). I would shove them in my underwear and walk out guilty as hell. But then scarf it down maniacally. Ironically (is this the correct use of the word?), I don’t eat much chocolate now.

2) I imagine myself falling down stairs before I actually walk down them. I feel it will prevent me from falling.

3) I too (Aimie), refuse to poop in public or even private places. If I can help it, the only place I poop is at home. And I set aside a good 30 minutes to do so, and equip myself with either a crossword or trashy magazine.

4) I hate public speaking. I love to act but I do not like to speak as myself. I once co-produced a play (with the beautiful Jessica Hanna) and had to announce to the audience that they had to turn off their cell phones, etc. I totally buckled and begged for someone else to do it. Shame, shame.

5) I don’t part my hair. Today I got my hair cut and the hair dresser asked me how I part my hair. I looked at her baffled. I guess people part their hair. But I don’t.

Jesse said...

1) I went to 4 different Pink Berry's in the last 4 days.
2) I think 50 % of Christmas music sounds sorta depressing.
3) Before I fall asleep, I rub my feet together, religiously.
4) When I was a kid and playing with my friends I used to hide some of my toys they were playing with and then accuse them of losing them, just for my own sick amusement.
5) Also when I was a kid and not hiding my toys from my friends, I used to watch Mr. Bellvedere and repeat all of Wesley's lines outloud, thinking I could have done a better job.

Michal said...

1) In high school I worked at Rampage and Nine West and got fired from both of them (I suck at retail)
2)I do not own a hair brush and do not EVER brush my hair (except for when I get my very curly hair straigtened and then get super brush happy and it gets out of control)
3)I used to steal things all the time as a kid... and now every now and then I'll switch the tag on a sale item to make it a wee bit cheaper. But I still pay for it. Is that full on theft?
4)I met my husband online. Jdate to be exact. OK you may know that about me, but alot of other people dont because up until this year I found it completely humiliating and usually made up storied of how we met.
5)when I board a plane, I always linger a bit after the guy takes my boarding pass just so I can see my name on the little computer and make sure that I have officially boarded...ya know, just in case I die on that plane, I want to make sure I'm accounted for.

Anonymous said...

I laughed out loud at the poop story. Great therapy for a cold, windy day when I have to get back to work and I'm reading your blog instead cause I really don't want to get back to work. So thanks for the laugh. And I love that the teachers are all clicky. I choose to ignore your shoplifting escapade. I believe you have needed to confess this all these years and now that you have finally done so, you won't have to walk around feeling all Raskalnokoffy anymore. A great way to start the new year.

Anonymous said...

I have been waiting a long time to hear the poop in a cup story. I really enjoyed it. After you work with kids, nothing scares you! :)

Lanie :)

Erik said...

So many confessions that I never commented on! Catching up now...

Erik said...

I feel like a jagoff for not replying to all of these awesome comments/confessions. (I'm trying to introduce the word "jagoff" into my daily vocabulary.)

Erik said...


1) Aren't used car salesmen supposed to be slimy? I don't mean to generalize, but that's the rap they get. And I don't think of you as slimy at all. Is that why you only did it one summer? I would be the worst car salesman in the world, used or otherwise.

2) I feel for young Steve, whose parents thought he was trying to steal the cards. I believe that you just put them in your pocket until you could talk to your parents about them.

3) Books you should read: the "dead until dark" series by Charlaine Harris. They're funny, sexy, quick reads, and there's six or seven of them, so if you like the first, you have several others to get into. I'm serious here. Go buy Dead Until Dark, the first book in the series. It's so good. I really think you'll like it. Go. Get it. Now.

4) The Golden Girls is playing on my TV right now. My favorite Golden Girl is Rose (Betty White).

5) It makes me so happy to know that you read my blog/responded while on the can. I've had two bowel movements today. Both of them pretty good.

Erik said...


1) I didn't know about the nail polish thing! I think I've only polished my toes two times in my life. Probably Halloween or something, because the only make-up I'm really into is eyeliner. But the last time I had toe-polish on, there were little chips of it on the edges of my nails FOREVER.

2) you're a weird cat lady, i'm a strange dog guy. i don't think the "strange dog guy" archetype has caught on like the "weird cat lady" archetype. maybe there are more weird cat ladies out there. but the weird cat lady and the strange dog guy are kindred spirits.

3) when referring to movies and not edward gorey, i think it's spelled "gory," but don't quote me on that because I am certainly not an expert on issues of spelling. your bf and mom are wimps for having to leave the room during hannibal. wimps!

4) i can poop anywhere.

5) instant karma! how did you steal the ring? did you just put it on your finger?

Erik said...


I'm sorry it took so long for me to share the Poop In A Cup story, but I hope it was worth the wait.

1) I've never quite understood left-handedness. Nothing against left-handedness, it just seems really foreign. That's weird, the fact that I think left-handedness is weird.

2) But what's weirder is that you can't stand to have your feet on the floor. I totally understand. I hate to wear shoes. Have you ever wished that you had a personal assistant who would follow you everywhere and hold your head up whenever you feel too tired to hold it up? (I have.)

3) Hold your fingers up in front of you. The hand that forms an "L" is the left one!

4) I used to get bad heartburn allllll the time, but I don't get it so much anymore. I don't know what I changed, but I must have changed something. I hate heartburn.

5) I had green hair in college too. I loved my green hair. Was yours short and spiky? Or long?

Erik said...


1) I think you used the word "ironically" correctly. Actually, yes, it's ironic because you wanted nothing but to eat sugar while your mother wanted you not to eat sugar and then you stuffed yourself with sugar so much that your mom got what she wanted: you to not eat sugar. I love the image of Young Uma laughing maniacally with chocolate smeared all over her mouth.

2) You're weird, but whatever works works.

3) I feel privaleged that you feel comfortable enough to poop while I'm in the same house as you. I mean, I guess you had to, since we lived together all of those years. But you could have always waited until I wasn't in the house. Makes me happy. (I also like that all of my blog readers are also obsessed with their poop.)

4) I am exactly the same. Re: not wanting to speak as myself. Except, ever since I started teaching, that's been going away.

5) Hair dressers are strange ducks. I don't part my hair either. I always forget what I like when I'm at the hair dresser's and never know what to tell them. Also, I'm with you--I didn't realize that women parted their hair. I thought that only men parted their hair.

Erik said...


1) What is Pink Berry's?

2) Some of the most depressing Christmas songs are the best ones, though. My favorite depressing Christmas song is "I'll Be Home For Christmas." You could argue that it's a hopeful/happy song, because the singer is promising to be home, but it's totally implied that this is just wishful thinking on the singer's part and the singer won't, in fact, be home. Honestly, I like the song so much because of that one Facts of Life christmas episode. You know the one, right? The one where the girls go to a prison on Christmas Eve to put on a show for the prisoners, and Jo is totally against the whole thing because her dad is in prison and she doesn't want to participate (because she obviously has issues). And so all of the other girls perform. Tootie knocks everyone's socks off--she's such a showoff and she loves to sing! I can't remember what Mrs. Garrett and Blaire and Natalie perform, but I'm sure they do something funny. And during the whole show, Jo is sitting in the "dressing room," listening. Finally, she comes out onstage and she says that she wants to sing something. "This has always been my dad's favorite song," she says. And then she starts singing "I'll Be Home For Christmas," and soon, one by one, all of the prisoners join in with her, and everyone at home is crying because oh. my. god. such a sad song. And none of these guys are gonna be home for christmas, and neither is Jo's dad.

3) To warm them up? I like my feet to be under the covers when I fall asleep, but usually they're out of the covers when I wake up.

4) You are a sicko! So mean!

5) I could SO totally see you as Wesley. And YES, I think you would have done a better job too. Ohhhh man, I wish you had been Wesley. How cool would that have been? Mr. Belevedere was a great tv show.

Erik said...


1) I am so not a shopper. I have no idea what Rampage and Nine West are. Is Rampage on Melrose? I actually kinda like retail--I worked at book stores--and I always loved to work at the cash register. I would remember how much money my cash register had taken in every day and have competitions with myself to try to make more money at my cash register the next day. There were usually at least two people working at the cash wrap at a time and if we had a long line I would check out who had the most books in line and time my interactions with customers so that I would get the customer with the most books, and therefore my cash register would "win." Of course, since I was the only person who knew about the competition, I was the only person who knew I'd won. But the win still felt sweet.

2) I don't own a hair brush either! But you have way longer hair than me. I like your curly hair.

3) Not full on theft, but still illegal!

4) i DID know about you and Jdate, but I love to hear Jdate success stories. I actually know several happily, married couples who met via Jdate. Jdate rocks. It's so not humiliating that you met there. It's very 21st Century, very Jetsons.

5) That's really smart. I am going to start doing that. I want to be accounted for too.

Erik said...

PAM, the teachers are SO clicky! But there are still a lot of good ones and several who I enjoy hanging out with one-on-one. It's just lunchtime tat gets to be too much.

Raskalnokoffy is a great adjective.

You've heard the poop story before, right??? That was during On Golden Pond. You remember how small that theater was.

Oh my god I'm having such a sneezing fit right now. Ahhhh.


Erik said...

Lanie, I aim to please. xoxo.

Anonymous said...

Clicky? Or would that be cliquish?

I didn't remember the poop story, though I must have heard it, so I enjoyed it all over again.

Nice to finally see you responding to your loyal fans.