So I named my penis Billy Zabka.
If you don't know who Billy Zabka is, well, he was only one of the most awesome actors to come out of the '80s. I am serious here. You might think I'm talking all tongue-in-cheek and shit, but I could not be more earnest. Billy Zabka was the jock-asshole-villian in Karate Kid and Just One of the Guys. (If you still don't know who he is, then you need to go rent those movies motherfucking now.) He achieved a bit of fame from those two movies and he's still working--he's still acting--but he hasn't ever quite reached the zenith peaks he reached with Karate Kid and Just One of the Guys. But he was fricking awesome in those movies. Like fucking kickass, you know? Such a badass. Such a dude. Such an awesome prick.
Which is why I think it's appropriate to name my penis after him.
I just did a google search of the phrase "Billy Zabka is..." and here's what the internet had to say about my penis:
Billy Zabka is the head of Cobra Kai.
Billy Zabka is still around.
billy zabka is my long lost lover.
Billy Zabka is THE guy who THE karate kid fights at THE end.
Billy Zabka is a jerk.
billy zabka is the best gift a girl could get on valentine's day.
Pretty cool, right?
206 comments:
1 – 200 of 206 Newer› Newest»totally cool.
My husband never named his penis. I didn't give it a proper name either. However "gigglestick" was pretty popular for us a year ago. Don't tell him I told you that.
gigglestick, eh? i think that's a pretty proper name if i ever hear one. i mean, when we're talking about penises, that's as proper as you need to get. (though, i guess it's not as proper as Billy Zabka).
Sweep the leg.
Joe I get the Karate Kid reference, but it sounds SUPER dirty in relation to this post.
Billy Zabka was adorable in the eighties (the actor that is). Maybe your penis will be on the next season of The Surreal Life now!
Jack, re: The Surreal Life...
A penis can dream, right?
(However, I think my penis would prefer to be on The Amazing Race.)
OMG, you are going to make Def Jam Becca MC soooooo happy with this post!
Things I've decided must be true about your penis on the basis of its name:
- Your penis is a badass jock-asshole-villain.
- Your penis is blond.
- Your penis could kick most other penises' asses.
- Your penis speaks Czech fluently.
- Your penis is 6'1".
- Your penis might have graced the cover of Tiger Beat in the '80s.
- Actually, your penis prefers to be known as "William" now.
- Your penis is the best gift a girl could get on Valentine's Day.
erik.
i know.
awesome.
Angela is brilliant. The authority on your penis!
Oh, and read this post about the best TV characters having sex. Totally up your alley.
Bonnie, does Jam Becca MC love naming penises? Or does she love Billy Zabka?
Angela, I cannot tell you how much I love that list you put together for my penis.
It's all true.
Bonnie, Angela IS brilliant. You should meet her. I am going to call her "the authority on my penis" for the rest of my life.
Okay, I'm gonna read that article now.
Bonnie, I love that article. Oooooooo Angela and Jordan, whatever became of you? I think they did finally have sex. I think Jordan was totally her first. And then she went to college and forgot all about him, except for occasionally when she would see a red car or have a really awkward conversation and it would remind her of her first love, and maybe they would bump into each other one day way down the line and he would say something really stupid and she wouldn't understand what she ever saw in him, and she would have way moved on by then and gone to college and then who knows.
She never got together with Brian Krakow either. But their parents are still neighbors and occasionally, on holidays like Thanksgiving, they will see each other, in their driveways, and Brian will be so much cooler than he ever was in high school and he'll have a really brainy wife who's amazing and three kids.
The grammer in that last comment is HORRENDOUS.
So sweet to have an authority on your penis! Aw! What a fun job! (Heeee!)
I think Def Jam Becca MC just loves all '80s movies, and therefore Billy Zabka. She loves penises (penii?) too, but that's beside the point.
Yeah. I like Angela. She's cool. You know good people. It's true!
Bonnie, I think it's penises. Penii makes me think of penne pasta or something.
I have this fantasy that Boom Boom Becca will come out of her non-commenting closet and comment on my blog again.
LOVE your take on the future of Brian in the driveway. I totally believe that.
xxaatm, billy zabka says hi.
bonnie,
i know, right?
Never named a penis or met a named penis (that I know of) BUT there was this one that was totally a Gargamel. Mostly cause he was always bungling things up, and was kinda crooked.
Erik,
I totally want to have business cards made up that list me as:
Angela Kang, A.O.E.P.P.
And when people ask what it stands for, I'll say (in a bad British accent): "Authority on Erik Patterson's Penis".
(I don't know why it needs to be said in an accent. It just does.)
Bonnie,
That article is awesome!
Joe,
"Sweep the leg." So. Effin. Sweet.
Of COURSE it must be said in a bad British accent! That's brilliant (and "brilliant" was just typed with a bad British accent, natch).
Angela, I agree with Bonnie, that's brilliant. Make business cards! Use the British accent! You're totally my A.O.E.P.P.
I missed the boat, there's just nothing clever left to say about your penis. ::sigh::
I want to start a real non-myspace blog but I can't decide on a name for it. This is also why I never got any tattooes, or bumper stickers. And because bumper stickers are stupid.
Have you ever named someone else's blog before? That could be a new thing. First your penis, then my blog...just like in the Garden of Eden.
Christy! Your first comment!
I would LOVE to name your blog. Give me some time. I'm gonna think on it.
Yay!!! I can't wait!!
And btw, St. Nicks makes their drinks way the hell too strong. I got sooo sick last night. I have all these post-it notes with smiley faces on it in my front seat from this security guard named Biggs who watched me throw up and THEN tried to get my number.
I am so classy it is obscene.
And he said I looked just like Katie Holmes and Charlotte from Sex and the City.
Which people say a lot, but I thought this was particularly funny, because his name was Mr. Biggs. And because I was hammered.
I'm bummed I missed Tuesdays last night, I missed your drunken shenanigans.
Did you give Mr. Biggs your number? (It sounds like you didn't, but I'm just checking.)
I'm bummed you missed last night too!!
And you are correct, I did not give Mr. Biggs my number.
As of six months ago I gave my phone number to EVERYONE. Then to my horror they all actually called. For like 2-3 weeks I completely stopped answering my phone and I don't know when I'll ever have a date again (or if I'll start to care eventually...well okay, yes.)
So anyway now I'm much more selective about who I give my number to. Like, if I try really hard to focus on your face but it's like, wavy around the edges, that's a flag.
Ooooo Christy, wavy around the edges face is definitely a sign that you should NOT be giving your phone number out. I try to GET phone numbers as opposed to giving mine out. And then I don't call the guys. Like, for instance, a couple of weeks ago I went to this bar and got TWO phone numbers! Which felt like a hundred. But I wasn't really into either of the guys so I didn't call either of them. But I still have their numbers like trophies.
OMG, this so rocks. You have to name drunken Christy's blog!
I named my cousin's blog "allgoodtitlesaretaken.blogspot.com" (brilliant, eh?).
Hee!
OMG, if your wenus is billy zabka and in five years we are destined to do the deed, does that make my hoohoo elizabeth shue? xoxo poop
bonnie, i love what you named your cousin's blog.
i still don't know what i'm going to name christy's.
i want it to be a really good name. like the blog name to end all blog names. (but the name you gave to your cousin's blog acknowledges that this is kinda hard to do at this point.)
poop,
your hoohoo is SO elizabeth shue.
well, erik says that my nani cannot be named elizabeth shue because it's already named "queen of the damned." but, maybe that's just because he's scared that his willie will be christened ralph macchio.
YES! It has to be the blog name to end all blog names (and you are so the guy to come up with it!)!!!
I went ahead and registered all the other ones anyway. Maybe one day I will be a famous blogger and people will buy my rejected names on Ebay.
And I swear there are TONS of great names left. I just registered 3 of them. Okay, well 2. 1 1/2.
How about erikspenisisnamedbillyzabka.blogspot.com? Or billyzabkaiserikspenis.blogspot.com?
Bonnie, i SO hope that Billy Zabka googles his own name and finds my blog. How cool would that be? The first Billy Zabka reading about my Billy Zabka?
And Bonnie, I so bet someone has tried to start a blog with that name since and were really, really pissed off it was already taken!
And Erik, I *LOVE* your idea for my non-publishable book! I even named it already:
notdoingdoodly.blogspot.com
and then, of course, always the optimist/idealist/romantic I had to also snatch up:
doingdoodly.blogspot.com
and then just for good measure I snatched up
gratuitousblogwhore.blogspot.com
SO TAKEN.
Christy! Those are GREAT!
Oh my god. Christy. You honestly DID grab all of those blog names. I'm impressed. I kinda want you to start, like, 13 different blogs so that you can utilize all of them.
I'm struggling to come up with better blog names than the ones you already have.
Oh my god. Christy. You honestly DID grab all of those blog names. I'm impressed. I kinda want you to start, like, 13 different blogs so that you can utilize all of them.
I'm struggling to come up with better blog names than the ones you already have.
What a cop-out, Patterson.
I know, I know, it WAS a cop out.
I'm serious. Think of a good name for Christy's blog right now, dammit.
Ok, jeez, I'm thinking.
Sorry, I didn't mean to be rude.
No, it's okay, I needed someone to kick me in the butt.
Well...we're waiting...have you thought of one yet?
Gosh, give me more than a minute, okay?
Again, sorry.
Is it weird that I'm sitting here having a comment conversation with myself, but pretending that it's a conversation with "anonymous"?
Kinda weird.
Whatever, while you're thinking, here are some blog name suggestions for Christy.
(I'm not sure if any of these blog names are taken or not.)
(If they are, well, tough titty.)
(Don't you love the expression "tough titty?") (I want to use it more IRL.)
Speaking of which, is this taken?:
toughtitty.blogspot.com
Here are some others...
To the point:
readmyfuckingblog.blogspot.com
Confusing:
blogspot.blogspot.com
Boastful:
myblogisbiggerthanyours.blogspot.com
(I think my favorite is honestly the gratuitousblogwhore one.)
Those blogname suggestions aren't very good.
I know.
Patterson, you are not getting out of naming my blog.
Just relax...you're probably just trying too hard. It will probably come to you when you're in the shower, or on the can, or in a dream.
Why are you such a pushover? He should definitely have come up with a blog name by now.
I'm not a pushover, okay, I'm just a nice person! Things take time.
Not only are you a pushover, but you are so unoriginal it is obscene.
You really need to stop saying things are so ____ they're obscene. It's just lazy. You're like, so lazy it is obscene.
Okay Christy, you're insane. AND unoriginal, which is an awful combination. You are
insanelyunoriginal.blogspot.com
That's taken.
Yeah, by you.
Oh my God. Christy. I just came up with the blog name to end all blog names. I hereby anoint your new blog
wildinbed.blogspot.com
The more I think about it, the more I realize I really came up with a brilliant name for your blog, Christy.
Yeah, too bad you didn't actually come up with it.
What do you mean?
You know what I mean.
OMG, did you know I had the coolest dream!
I dreamed that Keith and I were hanging out with Boom Boom Becca and you walked up.
I said, "OMG, hey Becca, this is KiKi..." (You two shake hands) "...and Billy Zabka." (She moves toward your penis with her hand to fake you out. It works.)
I dream in COMEDY, baby!!!!!
omg, BONNIE. That is, quite possibly, The. Best. Dream. Ever.
I mean, I love that I got to meet Boom Boom Becca in the dream, but I love even more that you would INTRODUCE MY BILLY ZABKA to her. And then I love that she tried to psyche me out by going for the Billy Zabka shake. It's like boom-boom-boom (comedy's best in threes, baby).
I seriously woke myself up laughing at my bitchin' funny dream.
I need help.
I just love that you're dreaming about my penis. Well, not ABOUT my penis, per se, but that my penis is involved in your dream plotlines.
Haha Erik, the other night *I* had a dream about your penis being named Billy Zabka, too! Nothing too interesting happened, but I was reading your blog in my sleep.
Oh and that blog name really is brilliant. I can't thank you enough. It's so me, it's like you got in my brain and stole my identity.
But how did you manage to comment me from Camp Snoopy? SO WEIRD.
Don't you think you've taken this charade a little too far?
Wha--what do you mean? Charade??
You know what I mean.
I'm confused. What is Anonymous alluding to?
Oh now YOU'RE going to continue the charade as well????
I mean, now that I have my new Razr phone with INTERNET ACCESS (!!!), I totally could have blogged from my phone at Camp Snoopy. Totally reasonable.
But DID YOU blog from Camp Snoopy? That's the question here.
Hello? Erik? Are you avoiding me now?
What? Just because I called you on your crap?
How about you Christy? Where are you?
You can't ignore me.
The sad/scary part is the dreaming about blogging that's going on. I mean, GET A LIFE, GILLESPIE!
I'm right here, Anonymous.
Look...obviously Erik blogged from his Razr phone. So put your magnifying glass away, Colombo. There's no funny business going on here.
When did you get to be such a tool, anyway? I think you seriously need to get laid.
Sherlock Holmes was the magnifying glass. You know when they invented things like oh, the TELEVISION, detective work amped up.
See there you go again. ANAL.
Bonnie, why do you have to interrupt me? I have a message to send the world.
Hi Christy, I was reading Erik's blog and I found your plight (woman searches for name of blog, blogger says he'll come up with a great name, blogger doesn't come through, "anonymous" person comes up with lame names, "anonymous" person starts fighting with blogger and woman in search of a blog name) and you have my sympathies. It shouldn't be this hard.
What about naming your blog:
christyonacross.blogspot.com
That girl is no martyr.
Okay, "totally not erik. for serious," um, if you take the parenthetical statement out of that sentence, it reads: "I found your plight and you have my sympathies." You found her plight...what?
Finish your damn sentence.
Excuse me, "Anonymous," but you're starting to sound a little schizo.
Why do you have to be such a dick!?
sorry, totally not erik:
Thank you for your appreciation of my plight, but Erik already totally blogged from his Razr phone from Camp Snoopy
wildinbed.blogspot.com
And I mean that's really fucking genius, don't you think?
Christy, I had come with the message to bring to the world that you are the Chosen One but you just really hurt my feelings. I mean, picking on bald guys is not cool.
Wait, but you just said "That girl is no martyr."
Well I mean, not YET...
Erik...we totally just hit 100 comments. I think that's a new thing '06!
OH MY GOD! Christy! Yes. 100 comments is WAY a new thing.
Hurray!!!
Party time!!!
WOOHOO!! Awesome. I just had some wine to celebrate!
Are you going to be there Tuesday?? I'm having part 3 of "The End of Fucked Up" go up...
I so hope you're there!!! I don't think you saw parts 1 & 2. Oh wait, maybe part 1.
I had actually been wanting to have a "comment orgy," which is this thing that my blogging friend Jenny did once (and that several of her blogging friends have done), wherein you write a post and the goal of the post is to generate 100 comments within 24 hours, or something like that, and I've always thought that would be fun. But this comment orgy happened all on its own.
All because of my penis and your unnamed blog.
Or, sorry, all because of my Billy Zabka and your unnamed blog.
(My penis has a first name, it's B-I-L-L-Y. My penis has a second name it's Z-A-B-K-A.)
I am hoping to be there on Tuesday. I have a script that I'm trying to hammer out and so it kind of depends on where I'm at on Tuesday, but I think I'll want/need a break. So hopefully I will be there to hear your stuff!
You mean, all because of Billy Zabka and wildinbed.blogspot.com
I think I'm going to wait until I quit my job (end of the month) to start the new blog.
Besides, I'm about 300 shy of 10,000 hits on my myspace blog and that's kind of a goal now.
I'm glad that your blog has a name and I can stop coming up with uncreative bad names.
Me too.
What they said.
Oh, and we'll have to crack open the wine when you get 10,000 hits and celebrate then too!
(Do you think we can get this comment thread to reach 200 comments?)
Well, duh, dude, at the rate you're writing comments for your own dang blog, you'll reach two hundred in, like, fifteen minutes.
Anonymous is really cranky today. Someone should slip him some valium.
Me too!
And Anonymous...you can go home now. I mean it was a cool ride and all but...nobody really wants to be seen with the bald guy who drives a Ferrari.
Oh, that was the other Anonymous. No I swear, I'm really, really cool.
Yeah, the bald Anonymous in the Ferrari is me. I'm leaving. Later.
Thank god. That guy was such a dick.
I know, wasn't he?
(Oh, sorry, I haven't introduced myself. I'm the third Anonymous.)
Erik, how many Anonymouses are in here??
Oh, hi.
Hello.
Ohayo gozaiumasu.
Christy, apparently there are several. My site-meter isn't really very good at keeping track of them, unfortunately.
Hi backatcha.
I'm really shy. I'm a long time reader, first time poster. But since everyone else has been saying hi, I thought I would say hi too.
So, hi.
Hello, hi. I like to keep a low profile generally. But my, my name is Sybil.
Hi Sybil.
I-hey.
Dear Sybil, no one is here to judge.
Hi Sybil.
I mean, I have other names too. But just, just call me Sybil.
Um, hey, Sybil, this is me again, Erik, I meant to say more when I said hi just now, but, well, I didn't, and well, anyway. Welcome to my blog, I hope you enjoy.
Sorry, I um forgot my keys. Where did all these people come from?
Dude just leave already! You're suck a buzzkill. God.
I just need my keys. You, you'll think differently you little punk when you lose all your hair.
What the fuck is the bald guy doing back here?
People, people, there's no reason to be mean to Anonymous. He has every right to be here.
Sorry, Anonymous. I think I saw your keys on the kitchen counter.
Dude, baldness is a recessive trait from the maternal grandfather, and my mom's old man totally was not bald.
I wonder why Anonymous deleted their comment? What's up with that?
Your funny! He is so hot tho your right! I see that commercial and I'm like omygod!!! So hot but wrong! Becuz he's shaking a cow!! You know what I mean?
~~~Cara
Oh sorry, that was me. I...I'm just very unsure of myself. I had a very...a very difficult childhood.
Sorry!! I posted that in the wrong thread!! Your penis is c@@l tho!
Oh my gawd gf, I so know with it. Y'now wha i's sayin'?
I wuz talking about the guy from the cow shake commercial! Like obviusly! Rght!??
Anyway, hi Anonymous. Yer cute toO!
*(What's up with that sYbil chik tho, righ!t??)
Whut you doin' here, Queef? I mean, shit.
Nice. This party is gettin' STARTED. Rock on!
Nice. This party is gettin' STARTED. Rock on!
No, that was me. Sybil.
like fo real $#% totly gf, i's like, tha bas fro the cow shake commercial gittin' fro fro on my hizzy shake dow-dow-down, know wha i's sayin' uh-huh-huh
I'm confused. Why was another comment deleted. And what are you talking about Sybil?
Okay, well, you guys have fun in here. I have to go get more booze. I totally didn't realize that so many people were coming over. So...sorry to leave you all hanging, but please keep having fun without me, and I'll be back (WITH MORE BOOZE) later.
Did he really just leave?
Pardon me, I am a Cambridge researcher and cultural anthroplogist and I just have to say I find your mockery of Ebonics completely "diz diz on my fo real hiz bodalang".
Erik...where did you go? I thought it was just the two of us.
It's cold in here and I feel SO ALONE.
Hello?
big dog why's you gots to be tha way?
gets a little quie' an all sud you a uppin uppin like youz ai' seen no woman since befo' the warshizzle.
tha boyy fro the cow shake commercial sho is fine, tho, ri'?
Whoa, that was freaky, for about ten minutes it was telling me that "comments have been disabled," and I was like, "how in the hell am I supposed to Partay if the dang comments have been disabled?"
Okay, seriously.
If I hadn't yet met KiKi IRL and was reading this comment thread, I'd consider bringing major backup to our meeting, since you're clearly having a psychotic episode.
NTTAWWT.
Just sayin'.
Hello, Laqueefa. My name is Jerome Q. Edmonton, Ph.D...
Dang, gizzirl. I'm str8, yo, but he shore azz fine. I see dat.
Fo' real, look u all cutzit wi' da bow tie up in here
Bonnie, I swear to you, this is only 45% me.
And help me out with "NTTAWWT". I'm slow right now.
and Bonnie, it is only 45% ME.
and 10% me.
Oh, and Bonnie, I never replied to your previous comment, but you were thinking that YOU needed to get a life??? Um, who's making up anonymous commenters???
(And again, I can only lay claim to about 50% of the anonymous commenting.) (I know, I said 45% before, but now I'm being realistic.)
OH, dang, I didn't read Sybil's comment before posting.
So, yes, it's 45% me, 45% Christy, and 10% Sybil.
Erik, why are you so embarrassed by us?
Seriously, KiK. Take your meds.
Yes, I need to get a life if I spend like two hours sleeping and during that brief amount of time I am dreaming about blogging. That's sad.
Anonymous, I'm sorry.
Bonnie, I just took 'em.
NTTAWWT is from a "Seinfeld" episode. Does that help?
Okay, Bonnie, maybe dreaming about blogging is *a little* sad, but I find it endearing.
Oh my GOD, how slow am I???
NTTAWWT.
You only find it sweet b/c I was dreaming about YOUR blog.
If I were dreaming about, say, Derrick's blog, you'd think I was demented and sad (but social).
Isn't it like the best acronym ever?
Actually, I have a better one:
OMGTTFFTIHERIMEL
And that's a Bonnie Gillespie original, yo.
DOES DERRICK HAVE A BLOG???? Because if he does then
a) you've been holding out on me
b) i totally just wet my pants
and
c)
Bonnie, Bonnie, why do you judge yourself so harshly?
It sounds to me like someone needs a little "fro fro on the hizznit" if you understand what I'm saying, girlfriend.
You brought more booze, right Erik?
Yes, NTTAWWT is classic.
I'm still working on OMGTTFFTIHERIMEL.
Yes, Dr. Jerome, I brought more booze.
And no, Bonnie, I am not Dr. Jerome.
Okay tell the slow girl...
What is NTTAWWT??
"Not That There's Anything Wrong With That."
"Not That There's Anything Wrong With That."
Oh, Erik beat me to it.
And Bonnie, Erik so is me.
Okay, so I have to go to the bathroom. (To go poop.) True story. (True story.) So I'll be gone for a while. Maybe I'll see y'all later.
Wait, I just saw Jerome's comment and I so am not him. Bye. Going to poop now.
Erik...Erik...
Hello?
Can I just say how much I love that KiKi knows that you cannot EVER say "for awhile"? It's always "in awhile" or "for a while". Period.
Brilliant. I knew I loved you for a reason, KiK.
How's that poop goin', baby?
Okay, gotta finish my column. I'll check back in on you in a bit. I'm gonna guess you'll have something like 500 comments by then.
I'm back from pooping. And I gotta say, I really enjoying a pleasant pooping experience and that wasn't a pleasant pooping experience. I'll leave it at that.
Bon, I love that you love me for my grammar abilities. Grammar is truly a lost art.
so yeah, Erik...I was hopin' you could set me up with this Sybil chick, kinda fine, ri'? maybe crazi but u kno what they say bout crazi chicks, ri'?
and yo I thinks it's 'grammer'. Grammer.
no u diundt
(Even though I don't know how to spell "grammar.") (Where was it that I spelled grammar wrong and then we talked about it? Because I can't find those comments in this thread, though lord knows I might have just missed those comments, there are now so many comments, but i DID notice the word "Grammar" spelled incorrectly in this thread and it made me realize that I am just really bad at spelling the word "grammar.") (Which is funny to me.) (But not as funny as dreaming about introducing Boom Boom Becca to Billy Zabka.) (And, seriously, how cool would it be if the other Billy Zabka ever googled his own name and found my blog and read all of this?) (Or how crazy would that be?) (Cool or crazy, I can't decide.)
Dude, Big Dog:
It's "grammar."
But, sure, I'll give you Sybil's digits.
200!!
just like, on a Post-It tho. Ri'?
Thank god. And just in time for The Sopranos. Or the gym. Haven't decided yet.
Go watch the Sopranos! I have work to do anyway.
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